New Year's heave

I think I know exactly what dimsum feels like now.
After spending a quarter of an hour in my gym's steam room, I kinda get the feeling that this is how my favorite shrimp dumplings feel like right before being served.

I just had to squeeze in that last minute workout before 2005 officially ends and I've decided that I'll have to level up my life somehow in so many ways.

I've never actually had serious resolutions before, but when I guess now is the best time to come up with them so here goes....

1. I 'fess up. I am a hopeless chocoholic. I dont think I can totally curb my appetite for chocolates, but I can at least inhibit myself (and save more money) by not buying them. So from now on I will forbid myself to shell out any cash for it no matter how big the craving. I will only live off freeloading these treats from good friends (haha, not really good news for my friends.)

2. (Potable) Water is now my best friend. I was baptised in it (i think), I bathe in it (when I can haha) and my kidney craves for it (it hates bleeding, thats why). So from now on, (except for those stupid sugary drinks that comes free with value meals) I will try to only drink water for refreshment. Soya and cow's milk are a whole different issue altogether. Oh and the doctor says I need to up my intake to 20 glasses a day to be safe (sorry kidney...)

3. I want to be a better listener this year. More than a talker, I think I can learn alot by not being so in-your-face all the time and just be more laidback about things. Taking the cue from my new favorite movie character Aslan, I'd rather rule the world with wisdom not power.

These past few months, I've tried to not be as reactive and I am starting to believe that it is the more intelligent thing to do. I am psyched about the coming year as it gives me the opportunity to do things better too. Everyone deserves a fresh start!

more resolutions to come...

Travelling with Time

Christmas has past and now everybody is getting ready for 2006.
I am psyched, but at the same time, I am also feeling a little bit sad.

2005 turned out to be much better than I ever expected and even though i wasn't really expecting that much (I actually thought it would be very uneventfully safe year). I met and discovered a couple of nice folks, some i had known even before, but never really got around to really getting close to. I also have come to terms with my incessant (yet prevalent) need to not not be alone.

I've settled in a job which i've discovered can be just as great or just as menial as I make it out to be. I like what I get paid to do and I think it is an amazing thing that i havent been found out to be the writing hack that i really am. (lucky bastard).

And since there's so much to be thankful for in 2005, i've decided to come up with resolutions for 2006. Although they're all swimming like soggy alphabet noodles in my head right now(my mind is like a small bowl of hot and creamy mushroom soup). I am plotting forward. because at least in theory, I am getting somewhere.

The Rush

It's Christmas eve tomorrow and I am soooo glad I do not have any pressing need to go out anymore. One can literally drown in the swarm of people out and about. One particularly gruelling day was when I spent the afternoon shopping for prizes for the games for two parties. A task I thought would not be daunting until now. try getting swept up literally by a throng of gift-hungry masses looking for the best bargain.

Tonight I am catching KingKong on the big screen with a fellow movie buff. Our last chance to go out before family duties take up all our time next week. A merry Christmas indeed!

This entry isnt going to be finished right now.....

The End is Near...

For 2005 that is.
Haven't really had the time nor inclination to post anything new.
I guess I can be thankful that there's been much to do and not enough time to do nearly half of everything I want.
But it's been a memorable year for sure. Not great, but memorable nonetheless.
I've had the opportunity to travel to the places I wanna see, with the people I wanna be with and stay for as long as I could afford to allow me the chance to miss my beloved city. I was even lucky enough to go back again and again! All in the same year. Now that, was why this could be considered great.

I've also managed to break my one year curse (which applies to both employment and relationships) because I've decided to stay put in my job and I've actually started liking the thought of growing roots here. Because the people are creative and the environment isn't hostile. I've even gone out with colleagues a couple of times and have started missing them on the weekends when I don't have to work (who would've thought!)

It's almost mid-december and the last opportunity for flag football this year has just passed. It was fun and stressful all at the same time. (Note to self: reffing is a thankless job, so why do it?) Though I had work, I just couldnt bear the thought of missing the games, more because this was the only real opportunity where I get to "hang" with like-minded people (read: sport addicts) and because my life had become a routine blur of work-gym-home with the occasional book store jaunt.

Next year promises me alot of things. I asked the Fates what was in store for me and it looks like I was meant to do some serious travelling (on the road, not in my head). So maybe this really is seriously my last playing year in the exhilirating world of contact sports. But surprisingly, I am not too broken up about that. I have alot of things to smile about right now.

2006 here I come....



Endnote:
October was great. October was my favorite month this year. Which is probably why I don't have a single entry during that entire month.

Attachments

Its been awhile since I last wrote anything online and I guess I am getting used to the hustle and bustle of real life.

Not that I want to immerse myself in a self-perpetuated cyber reality, but that I have suddenly found myself too busy to do anything else but work, sleep and dream.

But inspite of all this, I find myself still attached to the things I thought I could always let go. Just like that. Things that I thought were insignificant and specifically relevant only to a certain phase in my life, people I thought who were just gonna be there seasonally and values I thought I could move on from.

Things things i find myself going back to again and again. And i do not want to sound like i am trying to be philosophical or anything. I am just discovering how much of a fondness (?) I have with things i didn't think too much of in the first place.

One Helluva Party

I barely had time to catch my breath this weekend.
Apart from playing in a really muddy game. I had to fight off an impending fever that same day, making me all high strung and crabby for the duration of the game. I wasn’t stressed about the opponents, but rather that I felt my team wasn’t delivering up to par with our usual gameplay. I feel that winning isn’t winning when your just capitalizing on other people’s mistakes.

Anyway, we finally had our fundraising football night that same day at a cozy secluded area in Rockwell. We just couldn’t believe how many people came! They just kept pouring in! We ran out of drinks halfway through the night (and this was when we had already asked for four extra bottles already over and above the supply we brought that night). One ticket equals one shot of Jagermeister (our team sponsor).

Anyway, despite all the comings and goings, I believe the party never really died down til around 5am, when the bar starting closing down. The influx was crazy. I saw reps from almost all the teams show up (men AND women) People just didn’t wanna call it a night. And I’ve never seen so many drunk friends in one place before. Since nobody wanted to go home yet, we then hied off for an all-night buffet breakfast at Eastwood city (can you believe driving all the way there just to eat again?!). I got home just before 7am.

What a night.

Sick

I hate being sick.
First off, your body stops listening to you and goes off on its own way of coping with its pains.
Chills, muscle pains, fever, dizziness, nosebleeds.... all this crap I've had to deal with since Sunday, when I started feeling woozy.

Now I'm back at work (of my own free will), still dizzy but making myself useful.
At home all I did was watch Harry Potter movies and a Taiwanese series based on Japanese Manga called "Mars."
To put it bluntly, Its about traumatized people and how they deal with their pasts. More than that, its also an addicting love story starring Barbie Hsu and Vic Zhou of Meteor Garden fame. I love it that they switch character profiles in this series. she's now the subservient and quiet doormat Qui Luo, while he plays brash and reckless aspiring Grand prix rider Ah Ling.

Its the middle of the afternoon and i think i am just going to go home.
i'm feeling quite melancholic today.
I hate thinking about my birthday.

Lost

Today, this is probably the most apt blog entry title I could ever have chosen. Why?

1. Because it is also the title of one of my favorite tv shows right now
2. Because I tend to feel this way for a few hours everyday when i'm too tired to work or finish my gym class
3. Because I am an idiot who loses or breaks things in the most unforgivably stupid ways possible.

The other day, I was thinking how its been quite a long time since I had a good cry (which begs the question, can crying generally be viewed as good thing? Don’t you just cry when your in despair most of the time?) I realized I’ve never really had a big enough reason to cry, nor have I been affected enough (I think) to succumb to such an act. But then again, I can be resilient in all the wrong places. Which follows that I can cry for all the wrong reasons.

Like today, I lost something I’ve had for the past couple of years (which miraculously, has never been broken or conked out on me, unlike most of my stuff). It was a birthday gift I specifically asked for back in college. A trusty black automatic umbrella. My lifesaver.

In my rush to get to work, I took a cab and put my drenched umbrella down, thinking I would have the right number of brain cells left not to leave it. Ha-ha. So when I finally realized this awful fact (after seeing my officemate dry out his umbrella), I wanted to rush to the nearest mall and buy myself a new one, exactly like the one I lost. It was a very unnerving feeling, like someone stole something from me. Only I knew it was my lapse of composure that was to blame.

So I called up my aunt (she’s also one of my closest friends) on the off chance we could go hunting for the same umbrella this same afternoon. Ended up crying on the phone while explaining what happened. I know it sounds silly, but I just don’t know why it’s the inane things that make me cry. Like it’s a catalyst for all the other :heavy stuff” I should be crying about.

Just a Quote

I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not. --- Robert G. Ingersoll

Who wears the Pants

You really learn something new everyday.

And sometimes from the unlikeliest of places, mind you.
I got my latest nugget of knowledge from a cab driver today.
We were stuck in traffic (I had to pick up a designer gown we were gonna use for a pictorial and it simply could not be folded or arranged in a manner that would have made it easier or more comfortable for me to carry). And during one godawful long stoplight, the driver turns his head around and asks me what I think about girls wearing jeans. I told him I never really gave a flying fig about it. I always thought it was natural for clothing to evolve into what was more comfortable (as well as cool).

Well anyway, he starts telling me about the time when he remembers that there weren't even any pants available for women (he must've been really old). That it was considered weird for a woman to walk around wearing clothes meant for "just the menfolk." I look out the window and think about it. How things have changed and how things will change even more.

He also mentions how skirts nowadays always seem to get shorter and shorter. There's another interesting nuance he also points out. Apparently, men don't understand why girls in micro-minis keep trying to pull their skirts down when they know its not gonna stretch any further down. Makes their being conscious more conspicuous. Not really cool.

Lucky Bitch

I've been walking around half-asleep lately.
Don't really know why.
It's not that I almost lost my job last week.
Or that I am losing interest in the only other thing that drives me to wake up everyday.

Last night I lost my phone. And found it again.
Right in the middle of the road.

I had gotten off my usual stop, about a block from my house.
Before going home, I had passed by a late-night supermarket to get fresh fruit and my guilty junk food rations for the week.

Now I have this stupid tendency of texting in the middle of traffic which was why my mobile was not tucked safely in my bag, but just barely peeking out of my jeans pocket. When I got off, with my big backpack (gym staple) and pack of groceries, I didnt bother to double check if I had left anything behind (thats another thing I'm prone to doing nowadays, never looking back)
It was not until I was inside the house that I noticed the absence of a bulge in my right pocket.

Panic, i've learned, is a controllable urge once you've conditioned the mind to accept things you cannot change or contribute to.
So as I decided to search my bags then retrace my steps all the way outside, I was also trying to tell myself that stupid things happen because I let it happen, because thats what happens when you let yourself slide into a lazy state of complacency.

I figured, by this time, somebody wouldve passed by and picked it up already.
But then again, it wouldnt hurt to at least try and look for it.
So as I walked, not trying to look too panicked, nor too dejected. Until I reached the main road. Just as a tricycle zoomed passed the dark orange-lit street, I saw a small black bar lying smack in the middle of the road and i raced to it, knowing full well it could have already been flattened by the rush of vehicles zooming past.
But I was lucky, it was 10pm and traffic was light.

So as I walked up to my poor phone (Its just a baby at barely 2 weeks old), i felt ashamed at being so careless, so scatterbrained, so full of myself. It didnt have a scratch on it at all! (well, except the ones I made when I lug it around).

I figured, only people who have ever truly been in need are the most careful people in the world. Those who do not have any extra to spare, or have cherished what they have to the point of worship. These are those who know and appreciate how lucky they are, to have what they have, to be in the exact situation they have been put in. They know fully well why they do or don't deserve what they have.

I'm not rich. A cellphone is as much a luxury as it is a necessity for me. But maybe, deep inside I know I can live without it. That I dont really need it (well, my boss needs it to contact me, but not the other way around. God knows I'd love not getting last minute text assignments in the middle of the night). I know I should value money more. That it is not just a means to an end, but a means to get me to a specific end.

Love is another commodity in my life I haven't quite taken good care of lately. It seems that I am at a point of losing it and I am not being extra careful again. Not with my actions nor with my words.

I need to keep things closer to my heart I think.

All in a daze work

Everytime I am out walking about, these thoughts pop into my head that I store, things that I would like to do, would like to be, would like to write. And then they end up getting lost somewhere in my mind and I feel stupider than when I didn't think of these things.

There are very few simple things in life that can calm me down, perk me up and get me going again. Here's the top 5

1. Going through a second-hand bookstore and finding nice books to read(its a shame to leave with only one)
2. Walking along a busy street market, taking in all the wonderful eye candy, the colorful wares, the people bartering, the smells, the entire social set-up. It is
like one big lesson in psychology, or art, depending on what you need or want to
know.
3. Visiting vintage shops with no particular mission in mind and you end up with an
armful of stuff you suddenly decided you cannot live without.
4. Walking around the neighborhood mall (it doesnt really matter what the backdrop is) with my best friend for hours, lugging our heavy backpacks (he's also chronic overpacker like me) and talking and overtalking out every silly and sorry little thing we've not been disclosing to each other since we last met.
5. Spending a day by myself, acting on whim and not really knowing where i'll end up.

Manila's Really Trippy

Funny things always seem to happen to me.
Not that it’s really funny from my perspective, more of embarrassing actually.
Like take for instance, last night, an old friend of mine treated me out and we had a nice relaxing foot massage together. I would’ve fallen asleep except that my friend wanted to hear the buzz about anything and everything in showbiz.

Going home, we decided to take the Metro Rail Transit (MRT) since we figured it was past rush hour and it was faster than the start-stop-hobble movement of the buses in the highway. But boy were we so wrong. There were still so many train commuters at that hour. The MRT line 3 (the one I take to and from the office) has around 12 or so stations going north to south continuously. Now the train doors are located on both sides of the train. This is because every 4th or so stop has a shared platform. Now I am not the type to push and shove just to get into that blasted train, but my friend was confident that we’d fit. So I figured I’d step in last and if there’s no space left then I could just take one step back and take the next ride.

So me and Tess were chatting and catching up on months worth of stories we haven’t shared with each other and all that when the train doors started to close, with one of my bag handles still outside. Funny right? We laughed it off and I figured oh well, I’ll get back full possession of my bag (that’s what I get for bringing a dainty shoulder bag instead of my usual backpack) in the next station. No worries. Until the couple who were (squashed up) behind me pointed out that I’d have to take a round trip (which meant around 8 more stops) to get my bag back since we wouldn’t be passing into anymore shared platforms! Of course, everyone was staring at my reaction, which can only be described as a mixture of amusement, humor, horror and panic.

I was already mentally preparing myself to wait it out, weathering all the looks I was getting from people and accepting the fact that they were all secretly feeling lucky that they would never have to get into unbelievable follies like that girl who was stuck to the train door because she wasn’t sharp enough to pull her bag in. My friend looked at me sympathetically (what else could she do right?). and I was already psyching myself up as to what a great experience it was to be able to have an MRT train all to myself (even though I still couldn’t sit down and leave my bag hanging in mid-air. Only 3 stations more to go and everyone was gonna get out and leave me inside til the train turns around and go south. But a sympathetic dude (who I just know is a God-send!) offered to help pull it out, since the door edges were all rubber. And pull we did, ever so gently, and successfully. Relieved is too minor a term to describe what I felt.

Now, I think I can say it was quite funny.

Seafood Soap (soup)

I am writing this while juggling work and lunch (im such a bad bad employee...)
Anyway, i just have to write that I had taken a liking to this instant seafood noodle soup, wherein you just pour in the hot water and Viola, ita a mini-meal!
I like using chopsticks, for the heck of it (plus, it slows my digestion process, i got so attuned to having 15-minute meals in high school that i end up eating so fast and so plenty!)

well, it just dawned on me that my favored soup at the moment smells and possibly also tastes like soap! Yum. yum. yum. I really must need to get out more. (Fyi, my cousin likes tasting baby powder, so there.)

Its back to the rat race......

All Jazzed Up

Its past 2am, i am at the office listening to my Jazz in the City cd.
I'm contemplating sleeping in the lobby sofa (wouldnt be the first time though) just so i wouldnt have to go home and come back by lunch time (there goes my weekend...)

I don't really mind, we're working on a really good feature article right now and I know it'll be worth the sweat. Plus, i probably get a few days off next week. So now, my head is feeling kinda light, I wish I'd remembered to buy bread from the bakery before going home, and my brain is saturated in all sorts of Jazz.

Tomorrow is the start of the all-womens tourney (which i so obviously wont be able to participate in), i'm not that bummed, my knee hates me right now for not being responsible enough to bring it for an MRI. My other knee is starting to act up but lets not go there...

I am hoping to find the time to watch the new Willy Wonka movie (good luck with that) and hopefully buy a new phone. i'm not the picky type but my trusty old unit is about to give up on me any minute now (dontcha just know it, right gerard?)

anyway, im just on a blogging break, back to work.......

Finger food

For me, finger food can be classified into two categories, food which is eaten using your fingers (or toes, if you like) or food which actually resemble fingers (like those mighty thin fish sticks i had for lunch at the cafeteria, which, on the menu read "Special of the Day: Fish Fingers with Crispy Kangkong and garlic mayo dressing". What I didn't expect was that they would actually have the audacity to serve me one lousy piece of that leafy veggie! Oh my god, do they actually think I'd have fulfilled my RDA with that one leaf?! Anyway, this is why you should never trust breaded food. The breading (more truthfully known as "extenders" give the appearance of a fat juicy slab hiding under a textured layer of crispyness, its more like a thick slab of crispyness with a thin layer of something that allows our taste buds to recognize that its meat.)

What food can we eat with out fingers? Ive discovered that it can be practically everything except coffee jelly, spaghetti and baked macaroni. One of the hardest things I've tried to eat with my fingers was a very very sharply-boned piece of skinny fried fish. It was quite the challenge. and it didnt even tide me over.

The photo above, I am proud to say, was taken during a very rainy night while I was having the meal-before-the-actual-dinner with some of my teammates. This for me is one of the best meals of the week, right after a punishing round of training, we hie off to the nearest fast food joint and order whatever. I dont really end up remembering what I ate, its just an excuse to hang out and talk more before parting ways to another long week at work. What we did that night was order fries and just created one big pile in the middle of the table. We ran out of ketchup though (i dont think anyone noticed). Others ordered more than that, shared more than that. But noone was keeping tabs anyway.

I love nights like these. Sometimes its not just that the main event that matters, but the run down of everything after.

Sunny Sway

I know it sounds immature to say responsibility is a drag
So I wont.

I guess the weather is getting to me.
It should.

I know this won't last forever.
It can.

I know it sounds cliche to say Love conquers all.
My love will.

Out of Sorts

My fridge whacked me on the head today.
Or rather, it helped me whack myself on the forehead. Hard.
So today I’ve got this red mark that looks like an unfinished triangle on the upper side of my left forehead.

Now I’ve always reminded myself to stay away from sharp pointed metal objects (that in the past have led to accept words like “general anaesthesia” and “sutures”) but apparently, now I have to be wary of blunt inanimate things as well. My lackadaisical way of doing things sometimes gets the best of me and I know I should put more finesse in my actions. So mental note to thyself: Thou shall tone down a notch or two in the forcefulness department. This is actually a very good reminder because last Friday I almost chopped off the upper half of my right index finger while cutting thin carrot slices (which I last attempted doing many eons ago). You know that point where you feel your finger getting sliced and still you cut down all the way through? Ha, my brain doesn’t distinguish abrupt reactions, so I simply just “had” to chop all the way down. All the way down into my skin. This is so consistent with my personality, no mediocrity, no halfway options. I’m sometimes too severe for my own good.

Standing still

I am feeling like a sad sorry pile of crap right now.
I long for sleep, but am still at work. I almost dozed off on the train getting here, but my selfserving brain decided that its gonna be far more tiring to hop off a farther station than it is to keep yourself conscious for a few more minutes.(been there, done that, dont want to get off weird alien stations ever again)

Tonight, I dont feel like working out or doing anything that involves rigorous knee joint movement. Which unfortunately also involves brisk walking, which i love to do. Which also probably explains my newfound penchant for hailing down grandpa-looking cabbies. Commuting by taxi has never been that appealing to me til now. But still, I am heading to the gym after writing this entry.

I want to eat but I'm not really hungry. Its just my way of getting this sick feeling out of my mind's focus even for just a few peaceful minutes. Its like you feel like you are gonna throw up but never get around to doing it. Im a freak, i know.

I went to a media event today and they seated me right in front of our company's CEO, a fluke because i had arrived late and that was the only available seat! Of course I thought It was just another run-of-the-mill press conference that my editor didnt want to be bothered with, so I just showed up the way I usually do, in jeans, acceptable top (read:not the usual t-shirt) sans makeup. Apparently, It was a quick wake-up call. Yes, people will still respect you for your talent even if you look like garbage, but then it also helps that you can look the part that is assigned to you. Be it for representation purposes or for your own sense of self-confidence. It has finally sunk in that if I am assuming responsibility for the beauty and fashion pages in our mag, I should at least try to look the part lest someone think I do not fit the part.Shucks, and to think I was smug enough to think that I could get by with the same old me.

Dazed but not Confused

Finally, i am getting some things done in my life. Some things valuable, some vital, some trivial, some downright off-the-wall crazy. But the important thing is, things are happening, things are moving, and I am not in a rut.

Weekend was a blur. 2 hours funny sleep. Funny because I do not even recall dozing off and that was probably because I went to bed when the sun was already up and out.

It was perfect because I got to be with friends I wanted to be with, got to do things I wanted to do (like cook a nice sit down dinner with new friends, who are all still living and breathing by the way) and I also got to talk to others who I don't always have the chance to communicate with (read: not in the country)

In the past, I have already been accused as bitchy, moody, unforgiving and callous. I admit, I can be deliberately all that, but I dont choose to be. I would never choose to be. Someone just told me (you know who you are :) that I have a tendency to write viciously. A pretty strong word, considering I can't even bring myself to say anything cruel but honest about specific men I've met. And these are in cases when it was truly called for. If I may rant and rave, then it is a general feeling, a fleeting feeling if you must insist.

I dont even know why I am explaining this in my blog. I'd rather talk about this with you. Me vicious? Ha, you just wait.

If Only

I had wanted to do this list yesterday but my brain was in a hundred different places (just like my messy messy mental notes). There are a million things i want to do with my life and with a couple of thousand thoughts running through my head, I try to pluck out a few ideas every now and then (good and bad) that'll make the brain cells I burned while thinking worth the expense.

If Only.....

1. I could run down an upward bound escalator I'd feel so much more agile than today.
2. I could have the luxury of stopping and smelling the roses every once in a while
3. Men weren't so mean when they let you down.
4. I could turn pesco-vegetarian just like that.
5. Getting married was actually as nice as single people imagine it to be.
6. I could have one more day, just one more day with someone I'll never see again.
7. I could worry more about money than about life, then I'd be so much more richer
8. My cat wasn't as promiscuous as my mom says, then we'd still have her in the house.
9. Living by yourself wasn't so comfortable to make you think you could do it forever.
10. teeth were invincible, then I wouldnt have to buy can openers and knives anymore.
11. there more hours in the night to do all the things that I want.
12. people I like weren't too young or too old for me to consider.
13. I could have just one more playing year without fear of major injury or relapse.
14. Rain could make me just a little bit sad again (better than being indifferent)
15. Life could take me by surprise again.

wrongly titled

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-from Fire and Ice by Robert Frost

Windy times

My weekend was a blur. Finally moved into my own place albeit only temporarily. It's been great so far, quiet and empowering at the same time buying your own groceries and wondering if you still got enough money to get you through the next few days. Got a great view though. I love watching cars zoom through the highway at the oddest hours.

Only downside is that i can't bring my cat Mao to live there. I'm afraid she'll jump off the building like that unhappy has-been actress who did it on the very same rooftop a few years back. Being alone makes you think crazy things sometimes.

Anyway, its not like I've much time to actually settle in. Except for fixing my things, I havent exactly cozied up to the place. Was out all weekend with new friends, doing crazy things again. Which is all good with me, considering I sleep like a log after being deprived of rest 3 days in a row.

The past 2 days have been very windy, really cool weather, very little rain and just a little bit of sunshine here and there. I had lunch at my grandma's house today. Left office in the middle of the day. Now I think I'll be doing that daily. My grandma has been sounding more and more sad everyday, i can hear it through the phone and it tugs at my heart not to do anything about that. She's past 85 (as usual, I cannot remember anybody's exact age) and supposedly, she's as strong as a horse, even stronger than my mom and me especially when it comes to marathon malling (her favorite exercise), but now she's been feeling down, telling me how all the people she knows have already gone to a higher plane.

I know all my grandma wants is some time spent with her,talking with her, connecting, just being there to hear her out. Isn't that ultimately what we all want deep down inside?

To be reached out to.

Waiting...

All throughout my short unrelished life, for as far back as I can remember, all I've found myself is to be in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to go home, waiting to leave, waiting for meals, waiting for someone to come back, waiting for something to happen and waiting for things to change.

I know life is supposed to be a series of deliberate and unfolding events (not always unfortunate), but there are things that we just can't help but wait for. Just like the time my pet rabbit Jive (named after this Doo Wop band I really liked called Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers) broke his leg inside his cage (don't ask me how it happened, it got stuck in one of this playthings and i found him thrashing wildly til he disjointed himself. Trust me, it was not a pretty sight. And I'm not even going to start with the weird sounds I heard coming from that cage. Consider yourself lucky you will never have to hear a rabbit cry out in pain.

Anyway, so I brought him to the vet and he had his leg put in a cast. It kinda looked like a white plaster of paris fried chicken leg, and it was heavy for him to hobble around in, but it did help him heal faster.

So we did 8 months or so of waiting and waiting for that cast to come off, he was pretty depressed by then. But Jive eventually became okay and grew to the size of one fat lazy dachsund. He couldnt even hop like a proper bunny anymore! You know how a metal spring moves when stretched? That's kinda how he looked when he moved around the house. I think our dog even thought Jive was a dog too, cuz they got along fine (And I've got photos to prove it!)

So anyway, this entry wasn't even supposed to be about anything remotely profound, just an anecdote I remembered about one of my favorite pets growing up.

Wistful Thinking

I came across this island poem by Dennis Arthur Dames, a poet from the Bahamas while I was trying to suppress my urge to book a flight to go back to my favorite beach....


Tainted Thoughts

Tainted minds
Going strong
All the time

Nothing's right
All is wrong
Tainted thoughts still go strong

Tainted thoughts take a break...
Fresh visions of faith

A new day we do make
Tainted thoughts
The past ate

Fruitful thoughts are now new
Tainted thoughts, not renewed

Soft and Tasty

Starting tonight, I am officially on a soft diet.

Not by choice mind you, but because two of my uncooperative molars have decided to go on strike and refuse to allow me to chew on anything harder to masticate than tuna and gelatin. I tried to cheat by eating a heated-up beef jerky and those stupid chewers promptly put me in my place by shooting unmentionable amounts of recurring pain all throughout the day, thereby rendering me haplessly hungry and disgruntled.

Not that its totally a bad thing, this had preempted my long-term diet plan (yeah right). I think I can subsist on soup, Jell-O and ice cream (oh no!) for next month or so (my dentist is vacationing somewhere in Greece right now i think). Its not so bad. This'll give me instant punishment for eating (except for the ice cream part)

Something short of having someone chew on my food first (like a toothless grandma would have done), here is a list of stuff I managed to eat safely (but still cautiously) today:

1. Mooshey Wooshey Lasagna (late dinner)- i bought it at the convenience store at my
office lobby. It didnt look as radioactive after i nuked it several times. At least i could still distinguish the cheese from the pasta.

2. Coffee Jelly and Almond Jelly (not eaten together) - I had this for late lunch. Yummy stuff, but kinda made me feel like I was tricking my body into eating hardened liquid.

3. Overcooked Oatmeal (late breakfast) - I love oats. It is filling, affordable and I eat it at all times in the day (even as a midnight snack!). But making it (even the easy to cook variety) has sealed my fate as an eternally terrible cook. I can't afford to watch the pot before I burn it! I heard Quaker Oats has launched chocolate flavored oatmeal already. Will definitely check it out once I finish my sack of oats at home.

It is almost 11pm. I am still at work. I am not halfway done here yet. I had to turn down a night out with good music. I missed gym (and my favorite back-to-back classes). I am bummed, but there are other things that offset that fact. I like being missed :)

Damned and Delirous

I've done alot of stupid things in my time, but dont recall ever really regretting any of it.

The photo above is from one of my top 3 movies of all time "Before Sunset."
I love how the two people never really got together but never really stopped liking each other. I liked they can meet again, just pick up where they left off (gradually of course) and still be as eloquent as hell without having to jump in the sack the first chance they get. If I got that exact same chance, I would go for it, despite the years of uncertainty and self-doubt. I would choose that over stupid mind games with available men with questionable IQs and kissing abilities (ha! such a cheap shot)

Sex is never the answer to anything real anymore. Love isnt always a question either.

anyway, ive been offcially awake for 36 hours now. So I take partial responsibility for all the dumb (but immensely) fun things i've done over the weekend with. Funny how proximity and openness to share brings out the best (not always worst) in people.

I am delirious because I finally got to get an idea of how it would feel to get close to an ex-crush! Of course I was still curious about alot of things about him (Talent is a very strong aphrodisiac and he sure has alot of it!). There's nothing like being so close to intimate that piques the interest and staves off sleepiness.

I wil be damned because I admit, i have done alot of stir-crazy things with this lifetime. I can be offensive, impulsive and irresponsible on occasion (quite a rarity now. the stick up my ass is too far wedged in to be taken out now)

I am having fun now wth my life, nothing is really a big bother. I can do what I want, be who I want to be and afford myself the experiences I choose to go into. In other words, I am still free to be as whacked out as I want to be. God Bless the undiscovered single girl who prays for the proverbial ball and chain and yet, still enjoys every glorious perk of irresponsibility and immaturity.

Hiccups and other Oddities

Eureka!
I have finally discovered how to upload photos in my blog! (yes, laugh all you want, but it is really a major milestone in my little sluggish technophobic life)

It's almost 3am and i am still in the office. I wanted to talk about movies but I'm too brain-drained to churn out a proper review. Instead, I chose a photo from one of my favorite movies (i love subtitled films!) Amelie. I loved Amelie Poulain! I love how she also likes to tap and break into newly-made creme brulee with a spoon! She is everything I would expect from a perky slightly weird Parisienne. I love movies that keep you guessing how it'll turn out in the end. I also loved A Very Long Engagement.

Earlier this evening i developed a bad case of hiccups. My editor kept urging me to drink water because i sounded like a sick puppy walking around the office with my high-pitched hiccups. I, on the other hand, found it amusing. Not everyday do I emit sounds like that. But the problem was, it just wouldnt go away. i mustve drunk a 3 liters of water before I could talk straight again (which secretly bummed me out though)

anyway, i still gotta go to the printer after this. It's still so dark outside. But I don't mind. I like seeing the different.

Getting Fruity

Finally, my head is clearing up.
I finally got to catch up with my friends (where else but through their blogs of course)
Check out what interesting stuff has been swimming in my best friend's head if ya got time:
http://toneconscious.blogspot.com/2005/05/random-thoughts-throughout-day.html

my knee is still not in tiptop shape.
I used it sparingly throughout the week (except during two of my favorite dance classes). I wish I could just wake up and discover that the all too familiarly nagging ache has totally disappeared. But no dice so far.

I was a (very) happy camper last night.
Remember what i was ranting about in my previous post? well, God made a way to (more than) make up for that.
Somebody walked me home last night!
Not that its such a big thing. Friends walk each other home all the time. It's just that the difference was that this guy's home was all the way in the opposite direction! And i just found that out! He didnt even tell me where he lived. he was so cool.

I'm not talking about being romantic here okay, i just think that these kinds of gestures, so unexpected and so simple to do, are a rarity in a world where guys are often only most chivalrous when there is something in it for them. (tell me im wrong, i dare you)
It just made me so happy that someone would do that for me.
He probably doesnt know it, but he restored my faith.
Thanks Adrian.

Men (o) Pause

I am through with men.
Lousy men to be exact.
Lousy dressers, lousy kissers and lousy men who can't even be expected to think up lame excuses for their foul-ups. The least they can do is not to insult your sense of logic ("I'm sorry I can't go out tonight. I won't be able to make it.") What? Never mind the What, what about the Why?
Logical rule of thumb states that "If you weren't given an excuse, then there probably wasn't one to begin with."
If they cant find a way to cushion the disappointing blow of letting you down, then how else can you expect them to come up with cohesive alibis that won't totally break your heart? At least you can always quit while your ahead.....

I take that back.
Men aren't all lousy. Inconsiderate people are.
As my best friend ever-so-aptly puts it. The stupid gene is found in all sexes.

That is why, when you play, make sure you like fires.

Let Me Blow (Dry) Your Mind

Recently, I've discovered the perfect way of de-stressing myself.
Given the fact that I think I've just majorly injured myself over the weekend (my right knee feels like it's going to break off with every creaking movement), I also have to impose a very strict vow of abstinence from any gym work this week (ha-ha, lets see if i can stick to it by friday).

Given the circumstance, I've accepted that the only compromise I can make to console my body (already experiencing withdrawal symptoms from not seeing the treadmill in 24 hours) is to immerse myself in a long, relaxing steam and sauna ritual (which i think is actually helping me gain mobility in my knee!) I bought some girly-girly stuff last weekend (a direct copycat of my friend Mitch's must have list) which included peppermint foot scrub, oatmeal body scrub and yoghurt hair treatment wax. All I can say is that after just a week of using these implements, I really have to watch it before I develop some sort of bastardized Oedipal complex (i love smelling my hair every so often!)

But the bestest, bestest part of this beauty routine, the piece de resistance, is the blow-dry. My gym has installed new updated versions of industrial blow dryers with half a dozen confusing settings, one of which i am now very familiar with, the "cold breeze without the saltwater" setting. I love it! My hair's grown pretty long and I was always thinking of cutting it, but now it just looks so pretty hanging (almost) straight below my shoulders. It's also a very relaxing process. Trying to dry it layer by layer, watching my hair being tamed after years of hiding them in a bun (blame it on ballet) or in a severe ponytail(i liked the school marm look too haha).

Tonight, I will try to sneak in and watch a dance class for once. It'll be weird not being upfront with my friends, but I also welcome the change of perspective. But I will also look forward to the welcoming refuge of the women's locker room.

Roller Coasting

Yesterday night I went on one helluva ride.
I hitched a ride home with a friend and as we turned to get on the busiest, major highway in the country
her car battery went dead.

The road was an incline so we just kept on moving (or rolling was more like it). What upped the scare factor was that she was driving an automatic and so we couldnt turn on the headlights or even just the emergency lights. Big buses were rushing right past us on both sides while we were just praying we'd roll right into the nearby gast station in the highway.

When we finally made it (although we were technically parked on the highway), thats when we discovered that they had no mechanic on duty on Sundays. Great.

The succeeding gory details aren't as interesting as those initial facts so i'll just leave it as that. thank God we decided to stop for donuts and juice (even though we hadn't had dinner yet) because at least that takes the crabbiness out of the waiting game we did while waiting for her dad to look for a mechanic to revive the car.

Balut and Pizza

Balut, a popular native delicacy, which is technically a fertilized egg with a partially developed duckling that is eaten by Filipinos all day everyday. It was also used to challenge the lengths to which contestants were willing to win $50,000 on Fear Factor once. (haha, i had a good laugh on that one)

Last night, during our food buying spree for Jordan's birthday thingamajiggy, we found ourselves at the grocery getting avocado ice cream (his favorite) and vanilla (our vote). Andre, my buffest (is that a word?) friend ever, suddenly had a craving for balut, which was also sold in the fruit stand (go figure). By then, we had already gotten 2 large pizzas from Yellow Cab (that makes it 3 weekends in a row that ive found myself getting supposed 'sustenance' from their vegetable toppings.)

Anyway, we ate while watching a Jamiroquai concert on dvd. And I couldnt help but admire how Dre manage to scarf down those slices of pizza in between helpings of eggs (he bought 3). Yowsah, i gotta hand it to the dude, he took it all in stride. Good thing the room was dark or I wouldve winced at seeing the egg (im such a squeamish girlygirl.ha!)

anyway, weekends turning out great. Finally caught "Mr & Mrs Smith" Loved their hand-and-knuckle fight scene. Women Power dude!!!! Angelina Jolie rocks. Brad was just kinda cute. I love girl power movies (who wouldnt right?)

Hunger happy

The paint on my bedroom door is peeling.
The fruit yoghurt I was saving for a rainy day which i finally opened last night had turned tangy, much to my hungry dismay.
I had finally lost my mouthguard (which keeps my teeth from grinding all day) in the crazy confines of my room (i swear, there are doors that open to different dimensions in all that mess)

All I've had to eat today is a cup of semi-burnt oatmeal (my favorite choice for breakfast) and a half green half yellow banana (courtesy of my gym, which I sneak off to during lunchbreak on fridays)

But I am not hungry yet.

It's also Jordan's birthday today. Not everyone knows because no matter how innocent he may look int hat Where's Waldo cap of his, Jordan can also be one wicked sinister dude. He lied on his Friendster account so people wouldnt know when to greet him.
What he doesnt know is that we have a small celebration planned tonight. Baked goodies, pizza and ice cream. A nice way to cap off a good friend's natal day. Plus his pick of the weirdest movies available (Personally, i am hoping he will pick this far out Jap film called Pistol Opera. Dang, if that film appeals to him then I will kneel down and pray to the new God of the Slanted Mind. That movie weirded me out so much I stopped watching after just 3 and a half minutes!) Can you comprehend a scene wherein the no.3 ranked girl assassin (who wants to be no.1) is being chased with a gun by this handicapped dude in a wheelchair (who is also presumably an assassin), why for the life of me, he would even think he had a chance is mind-boggling. add to the fracas a jap schoolgirl with a balloon. Oh boy, its just too odd to describe.

Anyway, im planning to enjoy my weekend with less food and more work ("special" projects for added income have just come my way!)

Peanut Butter Pleasures

Nope, there’s no sexual innuendo of any kind in this entry.

Nowadays, I find myself craving peanut butter more than chocolate.
Peanut butter donuts, sandwiches, peanut butter on crackers, Reese’s pieces or even a lip-smacking glob of gooey, sickeningly sweet peanut butter on a spoon (gotta cut down on the bread)!
I’ve heard about this new so-called Peanut butter diet in the States, but my cravings have nothing to do with that (besides, the diet only talks about the unsweetened, organic variety while I prefer the more sinfully artifical local version)

My taste buds must’ve gotten tired of chocolate. Or maybe I just automatically hate the popular choice.
Just like I dont like having the same template as some of the people I know! Even our publication uses the same template (check it out www.starstudio.blogspot.com, its pretty cool if your the starstruck kind!)

Last night, i finally got ot catch the sequel to that old Ethan Hawke-Julie Delpy movie "Before Sunrise"
I have not seen a movie that sucked me into the dialogue so much as this one. "Before Sunset" should only be watched under the context that you enjoyed the first movie. Otherwise, it might look a bit dry in the entertainment department.
I'm not saying you will like it as much as I did. We all come from different points of reference so what gets my goat might actually amuse the hell out of you or something like that.

Basically, this movie was one long conversation over a span of 2 (maybe shorter) hours. the characters wear only one outfit all throughout and the settings are different places in Paris.
The two main characters (environmentalist Celine and writer Jesse) meet again after 9 years, having spent just one night together walking around in Vienna. It is a chance encounter and alot of outwardly things have changed 9but apparently, the feelings have not) They talk about books, life, fate, magic and of course, Love.

I love how the movie develops, how you find out certain things as their conversation deepens.
watching this was like reading a good book (or having a really good book being read to you out loud)
It talks about how Love and reality are contradictory (The premise is that when you love someone, you get romantic, but romanticism can't really totally co-exist with reality unless your an idealist loon). endpoint is disappointment and total dependence.

I don't wanna talk about all the good parts. But I will say that this was an open-ended movie and how you decide the ending is probably a good indication of what kind of person you are (if you think they eventually broke up then you are a realist, if you think they got together eventually then you are romantic, if you are being hopeful for them then i dont know what exactly you are but you should be more decisive in your thoughts)

Rain reigns

It suddenly rained real hard tonight.
So hard that there was a short-lived power failure in the neighborhood. (Thank God for dependable generators in major tv networks, wherein my office so cozily resides)

I hardly left my computer today. Had a lot of research to do. Food today, to me, was just regarded as mere sustenance to get me going. It was nothing more than fancy fuel for my tummy. An inconsequential necessity, but not a craving, not today.

I knew this would happen. So I stocked up on snacks, knowing full well that bringing that much food to work would either brand me as a glutton or as a junk food hoarder disguised as a gym rat. But like i said, today was different. I had absolutely no plans of working out (well, all i brought was an extra shirt okay.Which is gonna seem stupid considering I wore girly shoes today)

So in my bag I had everything I could possibly need today: an extra shirt ("just in case" i drop by the gym. NOT!!!), my trusty, snazzy (read:pricey) automatic folding-and-unfolding umbrella which i got as a gift 3 christmases ago (okay okay, well it wasnt exactly a gift. i asked someone to give it to me!), and my bag full of tasty snacks (tip:when your dealing with finicky,picky,weird or anal persons like me, there should always be options for snacking, salty and sweet! because you never know what mood will strike next! (i seesaw between a hankering for peanut butter and then bbq all day)

I want to watch Batman Begins because everyone has had good things to say about it. Not that I trust these people (there have been supposed "terrible" movies that i ended up enjoying. so now i take everything with a grain of salt). I caught Monster-in-law the other night and I only have 3 things to say about it:
1. Jane Fonda is soooo funny
2. I'd kill to have all of J.Lo's outfits (and body) in that movie!!! its so my style!
3. I'd sleep with Michael Vartan in a nanosecond! I loved him in Never Been Kissed too! (I dont watch Alias by the way)

Funny how the rain doesnt affect me anymore. I must be going crazy. I used to love the sun, now I dont. i used to hate the rain, now I dont. I am enjoying the seasons just like i am enjoying my work right now. Come to think of it, I might actually turn out to be a well-adjusted individual if I think about it! (haha, not really)

Weird and Whacked out

I had the oddest of lunches yesterday.
Tuna hotdogs and cream cheese sandwiches.
Actually, it wasn’t exactly lunch, more of “whatevers-left-in-the-fridge” kind of meal that me and my cousin Athena scrounged up for before settling down and watching our much revered and coveted copy of “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.” Thank god for ketchup.

For good measure, I also brought two large bags of Holy Kettle corn (a movie staple!)
It was a nice lazy Sunday afternoon. Perfect in my book: a good movie. Good (?) food shared with family. It rained later in the day (which is also why I am thankful I decided to forego football for once) But even if my knee was acting up again I couldn’t resist dropping by the gym for a new class (thanks for the incessant prodding Mitch).

My body feels beat up (there’s gonna be no running this week for sure) but for some reason I couldn’t wait to get a head start on work today. Must be something wrong with my brain….. mmmm….. this should be straightened out mid-week when I start getting anxiety attacks from the fear of what I could be fearing next.

I woke up early (not extra early, because its either I am up early or late only) today and fixed myself a bowl of oatmeal. I like oatmeal because it fills up my tummy and it supposedly cleans out the bad toxins from the body (not that I have any, I don’t drink, smoke or eat nasty stuff like roaches or crickets) But I definitely have got too much chocolate in my system. Damn you Cadbury, Hersheys and Sees Candies!!!

I am writing more and more mediocre entries lately.
I cant seem to get my head in shape for a cohesive, coherent composition.
I cant explain this but I know what its about.
Maybe I should just stick to writing about food and delete all the other crappy stuff I go on and on about. This is horrible. I am becoming the wannabe writer that I dreaded turning into.

Pipe Dreams and Pita Bread

Its been pretty crazy at the office all week.
Wasnt able to concentrate on my food cravings much (which is perhaps one of the only good things aside from the self-induced stress that made me more efficient)

Aside from the hankering for peanut butter, I find myself in constant want for pizza and pita bread! Right now I cant decide whether I prefer tuna or chicken filling. I had a Garden Fresh pizza (its not as healthy as it sounds) last night. I couldnt care less whether the bread was wheat or whole wheat. I love tomato sauce! Maybe I should try living in Italy where there are regions so simple that they top there spaghettis and pizzas with plain ole tomato sauce. Yum!

I am also a little bit scatterbrained right now, cant really decide how or where to pursue my dreams (really, i didnt even know i had any?!) People Ive just met know more about my real dreams that the people whove been around me my entire life. there is a certain comfort in confiding in (almost) strangers who cannot possible judge nor change their opinion of you because what you reveal in just a few moments after meeting them. Not that I am in the habit of doing that. I just feel that most people who think they know me already have this preconceived idea of what my "real deal" is. Oh well, thats their opinion.

I am happy right now. In between chasing my pipe dreams and giving in to my sinful cravings, I am surprisingly in better shape than I was probably a year ago.

The Queen of Pentacles

I had my first tarot reading a few days ago.
Crazy, unnerving and right-on-the-money are some of the words I might use to describe the whole experience.

Cleared up my head (and heart) on some things, other answers opened up other questions.
Who’d have thought past lives were so significant to the present?
Karmic residue, cosmic patterns and unexplained attractions all connect somehow.

Our session wasn’t much about fortune-telling as it was about divination. Merely a guide, not the standard for the things yet to come, if I will it to come.

Having your cards read might also mean opening up a whole can of worms you might not be ready to share, but it will come out anyway whether you want it to or not (hard to edit the subconscious energy)

There are also such things as cards that will constantly come up and define you. Character cards. All this has drummed up my interest again in the tarot and the supernatural. Spooky but enlightening definitely.

A cake called Dementia

I love sweets. Fruity ones, chocolatey ones, even sugar-based ones which will eventually lead to be the death of me.
Living in a third world economy, I have been naively happy with the affordable variety you buy (in bulk even, because its so cheap!) at the neighborhood store or street vendor. I never really strived for anything more than that. Unfortunately, Fate tempts you to open your mind, heart (and palate) to a vaster plane of existence which you never thought existed.

It all started when a Belgian friend of mine visited the country a few years back. We had met on an foreign exchange program in Europe in 1998. My family had given her more than ample accommodations and she had brought us gifts of goodwill and chocolates. Apparently, her family owned their own bakery and in Belgium, that meant you made and sold your own brand of chocolate. It was a whole new experience altogether to taste pure, authentic Belgian chocolates. There were different kinds, but the dark ones were the best. I asked if we could order from them and she could just have it shipped, but she shook her head and said they’d melt even before they’d get to Asia.

Then last year, a cousin of mine arrived from the US. She had been raving about this brand of French truffles she’d discovered and said she’s be bringing home a couple of boxes when she arrived. Turns out the truffles were a bunch of round hardened dark chocolates which will literally melt in your hand even before they reach your mouth. They are so rich that just one piece can satisfy your taste buds for the night (or not). I’m pretty sure the equivalent of one piece is the same as drinking a mug of pure cocoa. It was like Sin itself. Purely packed and pricey.

Since then, I haven’t been bowled over by any other sweets. I don’t really mind (its helpful for my diet), but last week after a tiring out-of-town photo shoot, our photographer suggested we try out this place he had discovered called Kooky Licious (in Greenhills). It was owned by a food editor of one of our magazines. So we tried out the pasta, sandwiches and pate. But the piece de resistance he says, was the chocolate cake called Dementia.

He didn’t know exactly what it was made of, But let me assure you, it is like eating a mix of chocolate mousse, dark chocolate, Toblerone, ice cream and other indescribable yummy stuff. If you have tried eating all these things at the same time then you probably get an iota of idea of what I am talking about. Of course, nothing in this level comes cheap, but it is worth it. It will literally drive you crazy (Chocolate lovers beware, all other cakes may have a tendency to pale in comparison after this experience)

Crushed

No matter how hard I try to go against something,
It seems that the entire universe will conspire and rudely shove me in the exact opposite direction.

I admit, I have a hazy concept of what I consider to be ideal in a man. Never really gave it much thought. I didnt think I had to anyway.
I always liked to think that there is redeeeming value in everybody. There is something in like in everyone, just as long as you take the time to actually look for something good.
And it follows that there is a point of attraction between two people who aren't total enemies.

But I've always known that if ever I had a crush, it would be with someone who I consider a kindred spirit, not far removed from my personality. Not someone who has probably never been inside a coffeehouse in his entire life (not that I particularly like coffee houses, I just don't think this guy's idea of fun involves Brazilian music and deep conversation).

I'm really starting to like someone right now who I know I shouldn't be giving much thought to. He is everything I am not (I have foregone certain things now that I feel I have graduated from the age of reckless youth). He, in other words, lives in a totally different planet than me. I have chosen the solitude in a small quiet world (similar to the place where the Little Prince lives, although more windy and humid), while he is living in a place where nobody ever sleeps, where there are too many things to do and places to visit. People to see. Girls to meet.

I like watching him from afar. It is a safe distance. And although we are friends, I do not talk to him as much as I should because I think it disturbs me that i am feeling unnerved by a man I hardly know.
I am getting over this. I need to hibernate.
Because I need to stay away.

Boracay

There are a million things to talk about regarding my recent vacation and I dont know where to start. So I guess it would be easier for me to just break it down into (seemingly) logical parts that are easier on the brain to digest.

The island I went to was basically a food lovers haven. They've got everything there. Where else can I order Japanese, Korean and Portugese food all in the same place? Just to give you an idea how it went....

Brunch: Thai soup (weird version of Tom Yum soup with seafood and brandy. The server actually discouraged me from ordering this because she thought I wouldnt be able to take it and she was right. My eyes were all watery after a few sips. but it was fab, especially since it came with nice french bread!), Thai seafood (which was basically fish, crabs, squid and shrimp with a whole lotta chili and onions) and a yummy chocolate crepe (This was actually part of a set meal. if you think pairing Thai food with a French dessert is weird, go ask the German guy who owns the place. The name of the resto was "De Paris"

Dinner: Buffet (what was supposed to be a purely seafood buffet, turned out to be pretty continental as well. Actually, I dont mind but I just felt that the meat lasagna was a little out of place with the crispy crablets and shrimp salad.)

Midnight snack: a bottle of Cabernet wine: This deserves a place in this entry because I think it constituted some sort of meal. Now I am not exactly fond of wine, but I have discovered (through this recent attempt at slight inebriation) that i prefer nice lukewarm wine over cold beer).

Brunch2: Buffet again (This was part of a tourist package when we went island-hopping. We went to another island where we were served unlimited chicken and pork bbq, fish, crabs and fruits. The great thing about it was that the drinks were unlimited too. so we took about 3 extra bottles of mineral water back to the boat!)

Dinner2: Wood oven pizza (Me and my friends couldnt decide on which flavor to try. Aria's pizza was supposed to be the best on the island (why people on this tropical island love to eat pizza, spicy thai food and crepes when its hot all day is beyond me) I wanted the Margherita but they wanted meat, so we settled on Calabrese.

Of course my vacation wouldnt be complete without a mango and/or papaya shake! Decided to check out their version of Papaya Lemon, which turned out to be more lemon than papaya. My aunt still makes the best kind (pulpy papaya with a tinge of lemon as an aftertaste.

Other island vignettes I don't want to forget....

-Walking along the dark expanse of the shore, wondering why people flew all the way there just to get a seat at a bar (a popular franchise of a city hangout) that they probably go to every weekend in the city .

-watching a firedance by an extremely limber gay guy who will probably go down in my memory as aninspiration for stretching religiously everyday.

-Tanning on top of a boat for hours while island-hopping (after the first 3 stops for snorkelling, me and my friend decided to the view from the top was better than down below. I had enough of watching schools of fish trying to avoid my feet)

-Trying not to freak out while swimming in an underground cave and seeing a striped sea snake pass us by. (For the record, I do not hate snakes, but they have managed to instill a deep sense of unshakeable fear in me)

-Trying to finish an entire bottle of red wine with my friend and a strange guy whose concept of "Let's Party!" involved stuff I'd probably consider with someone else other than him.

These things stand out in my head right now (blame it on another sleep and rest-deprived weekend), I will add more if my head clears up. I'm glad I got out of the city. But I am also glad I am back.

Superbowl

I finally found the apetite (and means) to treat my family out to a nice dinner yesterday night. I doubt they appreciated it though (I'm sure my mom prefers cold hard cash). We tried the combination dimsum platter (which had a sampling of every possible kind of weird-shaped dimsum) and hot seafood with noodles. Now the Chinese were small asian folk, but that resto had everything in American servings. Which was great if you were going with a group of people who shared the same love for good quality food as you, but if you like eating alone or in pairs, then it's gonna be quite a challenge finishing up a bowl of noodles the size of a motorcycle helmet in this place. No wonder it's called the Superbowl of China.

By the way, my team lost the semi-finals game today. We still get to play for 3rd place next week. I'd feel worse if I actually did anything significant to alter those chain of events. But the 9on9 co-ed game format just didn't permit that kind of opportunity.

Chicken a La Queen

Today I saw red.
As in literally, lots and lots of red.
Red hair colouring that is.

I attended a media event for L'Oreal's new Matrix hair product line and all the attendees got a free hair treatment afterwards (one of the better perks of being in publishing!)
Anyway, I decided to go for a really severe choice and chose the most radical shade of red available.
Only problem is, dark hair remains dark (unless bleached first), so what I got now is dark hair with tinges of something that looks suspiciously like reddish burgundy.

Since that pretty much took up most of my morning (and lunchtime), I only had time to grab a waffle for lunch before heading back to the office. Instead of my usual cheese, or ham and cheese option, I decided to live on the edge and try their new Chicken a La King waffle instead. Generally, I would be suspicious (we used to make the dish in our high school home economics class, so i know it spoils easily). I took a bite and decided it was edible (but slghtly tangy). But, as I've always decided, "I will try everything at least once (except fried roaches)."

When I got to the office, an officemate then dragged my stiletto-tortured feet for a late snack and guess what we had? Chicken fingers! Then my mom called and said I should bring home some dinner, like garlic chicken? great. I dont know what i'm gonna buy later but I am definitely sure what i wont be bringing home though. Pizza hut just introduced this disgustingly fat-laden monstrosity called the chicken crust-stuffed pan pizza. I dunno about other people, but the thought of all that processed carbs and meat just makes me wanna upchuck whatevers in my tummy right now. not a nice sight.

Anyway, I dont mind chicken (as long as its cooked well) and I dont mind my new hair color (as long as it doesnt stain my clothes, which it did, because of the careless stylist who lifted my dressing cape way too early). What I do mind right now is the heat (anywhere outside and inside the house), the approved transport price increase (does it always have to be so drastic? Where am i gonna get the extra 30% burden?) and the lack of available good, healthy food in my office (seems the lobby concessionaires are conspiring to kill everyone in the network).

(Untitled)

Nope, it’s not that I forgot to put a heading to this lazily written blog entry, it’s just that I feel it is an apt description of my life at the moment. Its almost 7pm and I am alone in our department. A pretty good day considering I hardly got any sleep (heavy rain invaded our currently-in-renovation house and the icky water seeped through the roof of my room, leaving me displaced for the night).

Desperate times heed the call of true friends and I am glad to be around a good number who do not mind my incessant calling at odd hours of the day, just to be able to purge whatever frantic sense of fear that gripped me at that moment. Sometimes, I am also too sad (or too scared) to make my own decisions (especially the life-changing ones)

I am not at all sad right now by the things happening around me. I feel like they will continue to happen (or not) despite what I do or not do. Therefore I have lost all interest in trying to stop things from turning out good or bad.

And since this blog entry seems hollow without any mention of food, let me just point out a few odd facts between food and myself that Ive noticed lately:

1. I am always suspicious of milk. I usually gulp down an entire glass of milk in a few seconds, and since I am lactose intolerant, this lessens whatever acidity I feel afterwards. Only problem is, On more than one occasion, I am more than halfway through the glass when I realize I may be drinking spoilt milk. Oh well, I won’t cry over that.
2. Junk Food isn’t necessarily junk. I dunno whether I shoulsd hunt down or thank the people who invented these deceptively entertaining (for my mouth) munchies or not. They are cheap, therefore do not really entail much expense, but they are also useless, providing no nutritional value whatsoever. But I must admit, they do make boring movies more bearable than usual.
3. We can’t avoid Juice. My dietician says that artificial sweeteners in iced tea and other flavored drinks are just as fattening as eating raw sweets. But as much as I try to drink water and only water, my mouth seems to crave for flavor, any flavor (except soursop/guyabano)!

Anyway, I am going for a slightly big change tomorrow. Whether it comes out good or bad will depend on someone’s skills. Will share post evaluation soon.

Miss Congee-niality

I haven’t been feeling A-Okay lately.
In fact, if it weren’t for my best friend, Soldier, and my first ever ex, I’d still be walking around in circles, with my head up my ass no doubt. Blind as a bat to the things I’m supposed to be smart enough to see.

My weekend was extra tiring, my heart hurt and to top it off, I was feeling really really sick yesterday. Ive been bugging my best friend to watch a movie with me all week and I wasn’t about to cancel it just because I felt like shit. But we had to go to 3 drugstores before I found my medicine. My face was not a pretty sight at all. You could have looked at me and sworn I either had a severe toothache or muscle dystrophy.

Anyway, we had dinner at this nice new Chinese restaurant (til now, we still cant remember what it was called, but the food was yum!). He ordered sweet sliced pork and dimsum while I had a nice medium-sized bowl of seafood congee. I never really expected much from congee. It’s basically melted rice, with soup and toppings to add flavor. It looked bland and therefore, would obviously not be much to get excited about. My grandma likes congee and so do other octogenarians. But oddly enough, when people get sick, congee starts looking more and more appetizing.

Anyway, I was watching Fugs eat his meal and I couldn’t help but look forlorn, feeling like I was too young to be eating congee at the mall on a weekend. But surprisingly, it really hit the spot, it had shrimps, fish, squid and even crab! It was comfort food definitely.

To tell you honestly, I wasn’t really up to writing anymore. Not in this blog especially. But it seems my appetite is picking up. I’ve decided to heed someone’s sound advice. Thank you. You know who you are. :)

A glutton for punishment

The other night I attended a traditional Chinese birthday dinner.
It wasn't my first time to go to one of those celebrations, but it amazes me each time I know I'll get to spend the entire evening devoted to food.
Food and eating and talking and eating and waiting for more food in-between.

How is that? Try a 12 course dinner not including the 2 desserts.
With increments of at least 20 minutes each, the presentation of each main course is as important as the chronology of when it is served. Rice, as much as possible, is not part of important meals like this, because it is considered cheap and in bad taste (because supposedly, when you serve rice, it shows that you probably want to stuff your guests early so that they will be full already). The usual Chinese favorites like Sweet and Sour Pork and fried chicken are not favored because it is also inexpensive and part of the usual fare. What are usually ordered are seafoods and pigeon. Crab, will always come last because it symbolizes the "breaking through" of yet another year in one's life. Quite interesting stuff that I learned, all from sitting beside the person who paid for everything that night.

Although I could pass on the sea cucumer soup and friend pigeon, one note-worthy discovery was Seafood Pie, which looks exactly like what its called. Think of pie baked in a casserole, thats tastes like Chicken Ala King except it has chopsuey, crabstick, mushroom, loads and loads of shrimp and ripe mango strips. Now I think ive found something that can rival my love for Hot Shrimp Salad!

Anyway, in return for the meal, guests were expected to sing. Unfortunately I had not geared up for any Chinese song (maybe next year). I was stuffed and although I know I consumed about a million calories that night, I didnt feel guilty one bit.

Thank god for my gym.

Tom Yum-Yum!

Last sunday,after a very exhausting workout with my good friends (which involved, brisk walking, running, jump-rope, lunging and gasping for air and sweating like a pig), I had my very first honest-to-goodness authentic Thai meal.

Tom Yum is known as Thai sour soup (not to be mistaken for soursop which is a fruit). We had the one with shrimp. It had alot of ginger and lemon grass (which had a very overpowering yet aromatic taste). I cannot compare its flavor to our own local soup, sinigang. But it was a welcome discovery.

We also had crispy catfish (which reminded me of the pork floss available at Bread Talk, the Singaporean bakeshop whose bestseller was bread with floss (or what more aptly looks like sawdust or then shredded wood). Fugly pants, my best friend made me try the rice with shrimp paste, green mangoes, eggs and sweet pork on top. It was good too! We also got a taste of green curry. I love curry!

We were all too full to have dessert so we skipped it altogether. I love sharing and eatig food with these people because they all put such a premium on the quality of what we eat. They are also genuinely decent human beings who wouldnt hurt a fly. Good food, good company. Nothing can beat that right?

Sweet sorrows

I was talking to someone early this morning and he commented how some things cannot be simplified, nor regretted, yet end up being a sort of sweet sorrow.

Can sorrow ever really be sweet?

If it does, then why does it pull at my insides and make me want to go for some momentary distraction of physical pain rather than the torturous reality that is so blatantly glaring at me?

I have a tendency to let my common sense mechanism(boooring) get ahead of me and start raining on my parade before it has even begun. I have been accused of that many times. Yes, I admit. I used to be such a killjoy (now, maybe not as often)

I just spent close to 9 hours under the sun today, and though I thought I'd saved money by getting my cheeks all rosy from all the heat, I'm sure I'm pretty much gonna be paying for all the skin damage when i get all old and wrinkly. Spent the day lounging around with teammates, watched games with them, laughed with them and most importantly, spent time with them. You may think that its all just another weekend of football, but when your somebody who is always at the brink of turning their back on the sport forever, this is already a time to be thankful for,for me at least. that i can look back and remember random moments like that is great. But I know there's gonna come a time that I will have to move on.

I'd like to think that all the sweet sorrows in my life have already passed. That they are what could have been, but never was. These are the things I will always fondly think about positively and forget the negative sides to forever. I'm sure everyone has sorrows to keep and sorrows to forget. Just consider yourself lucky it's not something you will have to live with at present.

The Jacket analogy

I watched a surprisingly good film tonight.
Surprising because I had already geared my mind to dejectedly declare defeat and suffer through yet another grotesque horror flick my cousins so gleefully picked out.
But as it turns out, after the initial scenes of torture and confusion, the film ended up being one of revelation and love.

The film I am talking about is "The Jacket" which stars Adrien Brody and Keira Knightly. I think the biggest injustice to this film is its movie poster, which is trying to (unsuccessfully) mislead the Filipino audience into another american horror-fest. Given the handful of people in our theater, I guess everybody else thought it better to go for a safe comedy than a weird looking movie.

Adrien Brody is Jack Sparks, a patient with delusional disorder, who supposedly shot a cop and cant remember doing it. he gets sent to this psychiatric criminal ward with all the other legally insane. His doctor, puts him in a godawful straitjacket (that is so obviously the deluxe model because its meant for the entire body), injects him with some really potent nasty stuff that makes him hallucinate,and sticks him into a body drawer at the morgue department of the hospital. While in the drawer, he gets flashes of the past and future. So everytime he gets sent to "the drawers," he is able to know stuff that has yet to happen.

Its really complicated to tell all the details,and although adrien looked really underweight in this flick, i have to stress that he still came out pretty cute!
I'm not great with reviews, so I'll just say it was good brain candy.

There's a theory I think i can apply from the movie. That if I had the power to know what to say or do to better the future lives of other people, whether or not they are important to me, then i would do what i can do to make that happen.

Back in business

Ahem ahem.... at risk of sounding like a wishy-washy idiot (which i know i already am), I would just like to write that I am very much in high spirits again. Not because of my own firm resolve to feel better, but because of the fantastic powers of persuasion of someone I'd rather not talk about.

Give or take a few words, you can elate or devastate a person. Move them or scar them for life. I'm sure most idiots out there throw away their words without regard for their lasting effects on highly-evolved (read:intelligent) people.

Being too sensitive will always have its drawbacks, but the best thing about being too sensitive is that emotions reverberate throughout your entire being, happiness is doubled, elation is overwhelming and pain will be a lesson you will never forget.

I dont like being too literary but its true. We all deal with our healthy doses of pain. The arftertaste sucks but it is a constant reminder of how wonderful things are when things are back on track with our lives.

Butterfly-filled belly

I just figured out two things tonight.

One, that nearly all my high school batchmates are either already married, married with kids or unmarried with kids. I know I shouldn't feel so left behind (I was second to the youngest in my batch to graduate) but I can't help but feel old right now. But I'm not old! They married young! Some of them even have two or three kids already. Geez...

Two, That Ive been walking around with a queasy stomach all week. Not from food mind you. Ive been watching what I eat ever since I realized summer has arrived and Im still a few (ha-ha) pounds away from a killer bikini body! No, seriously. I really should start caring for myself more and stop worrying about other people for now. I dont really want to sift through whatever mixed-up, fucked-up cornucopia of feelings I have right now. One minute I'm writing about love, another minute I'm griping about pain. It's all so tiring.

Why is it so easy for other people to get married just like that? My bestfriend tried to rationalize it by saying that we are more cautious, therefore more conscientious than others. we worry about bringing a new family into a world that cannot afford it yet. Perhaps this is true. Or maybe there just isnt anyone right enough to build a family with.

Aren't there more pressing things I should be thinking about?
Good question.

Freeze-dried fruit

I ate some cereal from Trader Joe's the other day. It had honey oats and some freeze-dried berries. (By some, I mean, with every handful I scoop out from the box, there'd be at least one sliced berry in the scoop) Good combination, although the fruit could taste nasty or good, depending on how you look at it. On one hand, the package label claims that because it is freeze-dried, then supposedly all the natural goodness is still packed in as well, so it retains its nutritional value. But on the other hand, it will kinda remind you of eating cardboard (which i have also tried) which comes in raspberry, strawberry and blueberry flavors. I liked snacking on it though. My mind thought it sounded healthy enough.

Funny what tricks your mind can play on you. Thinking it can have feelings when it doesn't. Thinking you can make these feelings last even if you don't really want it, need it or asked for it. The heart has feelings dummy, not the mind. the mind assesses and re-assesses. Analyzes and recommends to the heart what to do. If the heart throws all that out the window, then consider yourself mighty fucked (not always literally mind you). I have feelings put on hold, these are the ones put on extended vacation for the "what ifs" and "somedays" in this life. I have feelings forever put away for the "never agains" and "dont ever go there" people too.

These feelings, however real, are not going to make their way into the center stage of my life anymore. I can still feel them, but I'm sure as hell will never act on them as impulsively as I did at least once before. Ha-ha, I'm getting more grown-up each day...

Everything's frozen for me right now. Cannot act upon anything, cannot do anything significantly life-changing at the moment. I am not in the position to, even if my inclination is as high as ever.

Only consolation at the moment: work. Yep, I love my work right now. Good pay, good experiences and most importantly, good bosses. Could not have imagined it any better. I am actually starting to consider staying with them for more time than I initially planned. Thank you, thank you, thank you God!

Reverse Prayers

You know how sometimes, some things just happen, and although you already know exactly how its going to turn out, deep inside your still wishing that something spectacular could turn things around in some brilliant fashion?

I have always prided myself in being a very grounded person. I can still dream, yes. But I know when to take my head out of the clouds too. But sometimes, something really great (which I don’t think I deserve) comes along and you just wish it turns out exactly the way you want it to be.

The title of this entry was taken from a very interesting yoga pose I learned the other day. The first time I did it, I was almost struck with the fear that I might break one of my fingers (again!). But it is one of those positions that give light to why yoga is such an enlightening and humbling human exercise.

But I am not going to digress on yoga anymore (except that I was positioned next to another loud curser again in my second class last week). I don’t even want to talk about food for the time being. The weekend has been very spiritual, with lots of talk about relationships, love and the fleeting luxury that is Time. For once, food did not take center stage (because maybe, for once, I am ready to face what should really matter in my life).

This weekend, I did not meet any new people, nor did I come upon any great riches. Instead, I just rediscovered some old friends and better topics for conversation.

Although, it might not be evident, I am also very happy.

Noodles and Caboodles

As I write this, I have to set the circumstances which has brought me to talk about things and the mood that it has caused because of this.
I have never written anything with a burnt tongue before and it's not as unpleasant as I thought it would be.
Other kids went through the marshmallow test growing up, while I am still failing the "do-not-eat-scalding-hot-noodles-no-matter-how-ravenous-you-are" test til this very day.

Its almost 10pm, i am at work, it is saturday and the worst part of all this is that it is also supposed to be a national holiday.
But apparently, magazine deadlines stick their noses up on such flimsy occurences.
To top it off, my team is throwing one helluva surprise party for one of the guys, and in about 30 minutes i suppose, they'll all be having a smashing good time. I feel like I am missing out for two main reasons: One, because it is always fun when there are surprises, and two, because they are like one big happy family that i was lucky enough to be part of this year.

Anyway, after our scorchingly easy midday game, i had barely enough time to catch a nice long shower at the gym before heading off to work (less drudgery this time because i had my "football fill" for the day.)
I also managed to scarf down my first meal of the day at 5:30pm, a spaghetti plate with bread. Yummy shit (i know this is unbiased because i have eaten it on times when i'm hungry, times when when I'm not, and times when I couldnt care less what i eat as long as I get some carbo in my tummy to get me through the day)

For dinner, i went out and got myself a nice big bowl of fat noodles with egg, beef, squid, fish balls and veggies. And it looks just as "festive" as it sounds. I think the cook just decided to mix non-abrasive ingredients together and come up with that sorta thing. I realized no self-respecting non-Asian fellow would eat it without much contemplative thinking about its dubious looking appearance first. To put it bluntly, it looked like leftovers from a chinese deli. But hell, what the heck, I figured I'm Asian, My stomach has weathered far far more suspicion-inducing things, and I am already hungry.

I am glad I am resilient enough to eat such things, and therefore enjoy such things. Being in a 3rd world economy (with first rate corruptors) does have its untapped benefits.
We get to taste the best and the worst looking food on the planet. (More on this another time. It seems the office has managed to firewall my brain to think about work more than anything else right now.)

But lets just put it this way, Filipino food rocks. period.

Corny things

Since late last year, my penchant for all things with corn seems to have grown to an alarming degree. I don't care if it is cold, hot, junk, healthy, main dish, side dish, appetizer or dessert, it is the best!

Just lately, I seem to have ingested cornmeal, corn on salads or as side dishes, hydrogenated corn snacks, corn in fruit salad, corn ice cream, corn shakes and cornflakes. I thought that was quite alot of corn already, but apparently even the stuff that seems corn-free isn't without this ingredient! Apparently, corn is a major component in the production of peanut butter, snackfoods and even soft drinks! Unfortunately, nothing can make me like sodas (except when im forced to get them with those stupid fastfood value meals).

My latest corn-related discovery is Holy Kettle Popcorn! A franchise from the U.S, whose newest branch has been strategically placed right in front of my office building (im sure they have "intelligence" that sniffs out corn addicts like me a mile away!) Its also being marketed as good diet food because it has no MSG, preservatives and other nasty stuff you'd get from commercial popcorn. Well, there goes my food budget for the week! (I was even considering buying a big bag to serve as my lunch today, but my officemates managed to talk me out of it)

But unfortunately, I cannot be the first to lay claim to this pleasurable affliction. My cousin got bitten by the corn bug way way before me. Case in point, me and my three cousins would go to a dessert bar with a menu of a hundred or so heavenly combinations of fruit, ice cream and other sweets. One cousin would order the largest, chocolatiest, fudgiest mass of gooeyness available, the other one would get a fruity combo with ice cream while I would choose some weird partnership that would give me a 50-50 chance of a tummyache or tummy heaven in a few minutes.

Now my youngest cousin (the one who usually had the most sense amongst us) would look at me with a deadpan face and say "Ate, I'll just have corn." Aauurgh! I wanted to knock some sense into her and lecture her on all the wonderful things she was missing by being such a simplistic amoeba. Of course, there was nothing I could do. Although part of me wanted to drag her back home and dock her with a can of army size corn, another part of me kinda wondered why she was already contented that way.

Now, I guess she’s the smart one after all.

Life without Sugar

I had a very simple start to another long work week today.
being all drained, dried up and shriveled (in my head) because of all the sun ray I overdosed on all weekend, i had no inclination whatsoever (not even one teeny weenie bit!) to go to the gym. This is a good thing for today, because i have noticed my apetite has gone down too. I did not get any sugar spike at all (which was a confusing feeling, so i ended up getting my perfunctory donut anyway). So there I was, going through the motions of choosing which spawn of sin I should choose among the deceptively colorful baked "goodies" (how ironic, it would be more apt to say "baddies"!), I ate lunch with friends who asked what i was doing with something i do not even plan to eat. I look at them and say "Its a day for sharing , don't you know?" But up to this very minute, a very lonely half-donut sits sadly on the freezer shelf, shared by three people and enjoyed by none.

I am not craving for sweets today. I am not worried about anything in my life except work (which feeling shall expire the moment I step out the lobby). I am happy, I am content, I am loved.

Ironic mush

I played at a mini-world cup tournament all day.
I played for Team USA with all of my other Fil-Am or pure American soccer teammates.
They required an american passport for eligibility. I was one of the 3 allotted filipino members for our team.
It was great,we won the finals too.
I could deal with that except that we found out Team Philippines withdrew their participation the night before the games.
Why? For lack of players.
How's that for a twisted sense of irony?
(Oh yeah, I'm sure they had a hell of a time looking for authentic Filipinos around huh?)

Its past dinnertime and all i've had to eat today was half a pack of crackers and loads and loads of Gatorade.
My knees sting from being scraped around all day (ouch) and my head hurts from barely 5 hours sleep (double ouch)

I am getting tired of this kind of life sometimes. I wish i had real serious boring domesticated grown-up stuff to do. I wish I had to stay home instead of being out all day under the sun, slathering on layers upon layers of SPF70.
But I still enjoy riding this wave. Not forever though.
I just might be content to watch from the sidelines next year.
Natch.

Wishy-Washy Me

No. No talk of food today. Sometimes there are better things to linger on than your palatable heaven. And sometimes I'd rather talk about food than deal with the crazy stuff going on in my life.

Just when I thought I was finally ready to head somewhere serious with someone, I have decided to take a step back and be a dipstick about the whole situation. I dont give a flying fig what anyone says anymore. Im getting too old to be unwavering in my decisions. Fuck, if I'm wrong then goddamit let me be wrong through and through. I just wanna be reactive day-to-day. And it seems some things are not going to look as shiny as they were when I first saw them.

But then again, maybe I'm ranting because I really don't have a clue on what to do...