Saturday, April 30, 2005

Sweet sorrows

I was talking to someone early this morning and he commented how some things cannot be simplified, nor regretted, yet end up being a sort of sweet sorrow.

Can sorrow ever really be sweet?

If it does, then why does it pull at my insides and make me want to go for some momentary distraction of physical pain rather than the torturous reality that is so blatantly glaring at me?

I have a tendency to let my common sense mechanism(boooring) get ahead of me and start raining on my parade before it has even begun. I have been accused of that many times. Yes, I admit. I used to be such a killjoy (now, maybe not as often)

I just spent close to 9 hours under the sun today, and though I thought I'd saved money by getting my cheeks all rosy from all the heat, I'm sure I'm pretty much gonna be paying for all the skin damage when i get all old and wrinkly. Spent the day lounging around with teammates, watched games with them, laughed with them and most importantly, spent time with them. You may think that its all just another weekend of football, but when your somebody who is always at the brink of turning their back on the sport forever, this is already a time to be thankful for,for me at least. that i can look back and remember random moments like that is great. But I know there's gonna come a time that I will have to move on.

I'd like to think that all the sweet sorrows in my life have already passed. That they are what could have been, but never was. These are the things I will always fondly think about positively and forget the negative sides to forever. I'm sure everyone has sorrows to keep and sorrows to forget. Just consider yourself lucky it's not something you will have to live with at present.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Jacket analogy

I watched a surprisingly good film tonight.
Surprising because I had already geared my mind to dejectedly declare defeat and suffer through yet another grotesque horror flick my cousins so gleefully picked out.
But as it turns out, after the initial scenes of torture and confusion, the film ended up being one of revelation and love.

The film I am talking about is "The Jacket" which stars Adrien Brody and Keira Knightly. I think the biggest injustice to this film is its movie poster, which is trying to (unsuccessfully) mislead the Filipino audience into another american horror-fest. Given the handful of people in our theater, I guess everybody else thought it better to go for a safe comedy than a weird looking movie.

Adrien Brody is Jack Sparks, a patient with delusional disorder, who supposedly shot a cop and cant remember doing it. he gets sent to this psychiatric criminal ward with all the other legally insane. His doctor, puts him in a godawful straitjacket (that is so obviously the deluxe model because its meant for the entire body), injects him with some really potent nasty stuff that makes him hallucinate,and sticks him into a body drawer at the morgue department of the hospital. While in the drawer, he gets flashes of the past and future. So everytime he gets sent to "the drawers," he is able to know stuff that has yet to happen.

Its really complicated to tell all the details,and although adrien looked really underweight in this flick, i have to stress that he still came out pretty cute!
I'm not great with reviews, so I'll just say it was good brain candy.

There's a theory I think i can apply from the movie. That if I had the power to know what to say or do to better the future lives of other people, whether or not they are important to me, then i would do what i can do to make that happen.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Back in business

Ahem ahem.... at risk of sounding like a wishy-washy idiot (which i know i already am), I would just like to write that I am very much in high spirits again. Not because of my own firm resolve to feel better, but because of the fantastic powers of persuasion of someone I'd rather not talk about.

Give or take a few words, you can elate or devastate a person. Move them or scar them for life. I'm sure most idiots out there throw away their words without regard for their lasting effects on highly-evolved (read:intelligent) people.

Being too sensitive will always have its drawbacks, but the best thing about being too sensitive is that emotions reverberate throughout your entire being, happiness is doubled, elation is overwhelming and pain will be a lesson you will never forget.

I dont like being too literary but its true. We all deal with our healthy doses of pain. The arftertaste sucks but it is a constant reminder of how wonderful things are when things are back on track with our lives.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Butterfly-filled belly

I just figured out two things tonight.

One, that nearly all my high school batchmates are either already married, married with kids or unmarried with kids. I know I shouldn't feel so left behind (I was second to the youngest in my batch to graduate) but I can't help but feel old right now. But I'm not old! They married young! Some of them even have two or three kids already. Geez...

Two, That Ive been walking around with a queasy stomach all week. Not from food mind you. Ive been watching what I eat ever since I realized summer has arrived and Im still a few (ha-ha) pounds away from a killer bikini body! No, seriously. I really should start caring for myself more and stop worrying about other people for now. I dont really want to sift through whatever mixed-up, fucked-up cornucopia of feelings I have right now. One minute I'm writing about love, another minute I'm griping about pain. It's all so tiring.

Why is it so easy for other people to get married just like that? My bestfriend tried to rationalize it by saying that we are more cautious, therefore more conscientious than others. we worry about bringing a new family into a world that cannot afford it yet. Perhaps this is true. Or maybe there just isnt anyone right enough to build a family with.

Aren't there more pressing things I should be thinking about?
Good question.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Freeze-dried fruit

I ate some cereal from Trader Joe's the other day. It had honey oats and some freeze-dried berries. (By some, I mean, with every handful I scoop out from the box, there'd be at least one sliced berry in the scoop) Good combination, although the fruit could taste nasty or good, depending on how you look at it. On one hand, the package label claims that because it is freeze-dried, then supposedly all the natural goodness is still packed in as well, so it retains its nutritional value. But on the other hand, it will kinda remind you of eating cardboard (which i have also tried) which comes in raspberry, strawberry and blueberry flavors. I liked snacking on it though. My mind thought it sounded healthy enough.

Funny what tricks your mind can play on you. Thinking it can have feelings when it doesn't. Thinking you can make these feelings last even if you don't really want it, need it or asked for it. The heart has feelings dummy, not the mind. the mind assesses and re-assesses. Analyzes and recommends to the heart what to do. If the heart throws all that out the window, then consider yourself mighty fucked (not always literally mind you). I have feelings put on hold, these are the ones put on extended vacation for the "what ifs" and "somedays" in this life. I have feelings forever put away for the "never agains" and "dont ever go there" people too.

These feelings, however real, are not going to make their way into the center stage of my life anymore. I can still feel them, but I'm sure as hell will never act on them as impulsively as I did at least once before. Ha-ha, I'm getting more grown-up each day...

Everything's frozen for me right now. Cannot act upon anything, cannot do anything significantly life-changing at the moment. I am not in the position to, even if my inclination is as high as ever.

Only consolation at the moment: work. Yep, I love my work right now. Good pay, good experiences and most importantly, good bosses. Could not have imagined it any better. I am actually starting to consider staying with them for more time than I initially planned. Thank you, thank you, thank you God!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Reverse Prayers

You know how sometimes, some things just happen, and although you already know exactly how its going to turn out, deep inside your still wishing that something spectacular could turn things around in some brilliant fashion?

I have always prided myself in being a very grounded person. I can still dream, yes. But I know when to take my head out of the clouds too. But sometimes, something really great (which I don’t think I deserve) comes along and you just wish it turns out exactly the way you want it to be.

The title of this entry was taken from a very interesting yoga pose I learned the other day. The first time I did it, I was almost struck with the fear that I might break one of my fingers (again!). But it is one of those positions that give light to why yoga is such an enlightening and humbling human exercise.

But I am not going to digress on yoga anymore (except that I was positioned next to another loud curser again in my second class last week). I don’t even want to talk about food for the time being. The weekend has been very spiritual, with lots of talk about relationships, love and the fleeting luxury that is Time. For once, food did not take center stage (because maybe, for once, I am ready to face what should really matter in my life).

This weekend, I did not meet any new people, nor did I come upon any great riches. Instead, I just rediscovered some old friends and better topics for conversation.

Although, it might not be evident, I am also very happy.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Noodles and Caboodles

As I write this, I have to set the circumstances which has brought me to talk about things and the mood that it has caused because of this.
I have never written anything with a burnt tongue before and it's not as unpleasant as I thought it would be.
Other kids went through the marshmallow test growing up, while I am still failing the "do-not-eat-scalding-hot-noodles-no-matter-how-ravenous-you-are" test til this very day.

Its almost 10pm, i am at work, it is saturday and the worst part of all this is that it is also supposed to be a national holiday.
But apparently, magazine deadlines stick their noses up on such flimsy occurences.
To top it off, my team is throwing one helluva surprise party for one of the guys, and in about 30 minutes i suppose, they'll all be having a smashing good time. I feel like I am missing out for two main reasons: One, because it is always fun when there are surprises, and two, because they are like one big happy family that i was lucky enough to be part of this year.

Anyway, after our scorchingly easy midday game, i had barely enough time to catch a nice long shower at the gym before heading off to work (less drudgery this time because i had my "football fill" for the day.)
I also managed to scarf down my first meal of the day at 5:30pm, a spaghetti plate with bread. Yummy shit (i know this is unbiased because i have eaten it on times when i'm hungry, times when when I'm not, and times when I couldnt care less what i eat as long as I get some carbo in my tummy to get me through the day)

For dinner, i went out and got myself a nice big bowl of fat noodles with egg, beef, squid, fish balls and veggies. And it looks just as "festive" as it sounds. I think the cook just decided to mix non-abrasive ingredients together and come up with that sorta thing. I realized no self-respecting non-Asian fellow would eat it without much contemplative thinking about its dubious looking appearance first. To put it bluntly, it looked like leftovers from a chinese deli. But hell, what the heck, I figured I'm Asian, My stomach has weathered far far more suspicion-inducing things, and I am already hungry.

I am glad I am resilient enough to eat such things, and therefore enjoy such things. Being in a 3rd world economy (with first rate corruptors) does have its untapped benefits.
We get to taste the best and the worst looking food on the planet. (More on this another time. It seems the office has managed to firewall my brain to think about work more than anything else right now.)

But lets just put it this way, Filipino food rocks. period.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Corny things

Since late last year, my penchant for all things with corn seems to have grown to an alarming degree. I don't care if it is cold, hot, junk, healthy, main dish, side dish, appetizer or dessert, it is the best!

Just lately, I seem to have ingested cornmeal, corn on salads or as side dishes, hydrogenated corn snacks, corn in fruit salad, corn ice cream, corn shakes and cornflakes. I thought that was quite alot of corn already, but apparently even the stuff that seems corn-free isn't without this ingredient! Apparently, corn is a major component in the production of peanut butter, snackfoods and even soft drinks! Unfortunately, nothing can make me like sodas (except when im forced to get them with those stupid fastfood value meals).

My latest corn-related discovery is Holy Kettle Popcorn! A franchise from the U.S, whose newest branch has been strategically placed right in front of my office building (im sure they have "intelligence" that sniffs out corn addicts like me a mile away!) Its also being marketed as good diet food because it has no MSG, preservatives and other nasty stuff you'd get from commercial popcorn. Well, there goes my food budget for the week! (I was even considering buying a big bag to serve as my lunch today, but my officemates managed to talk me out of it)

But unfortunately, I cannot be the first to lay claim to this pleasurable affliction. My cousin got bitten by the corn bug way way before me. Case in point, me and my three cousins would go to a dessert bar with a menu of a hundred or so heavenly combinations of fruit, ice cream and other sweets. One cousin would order the largest, chocolatiest, fudgiest mass of gooeyness available, the other one would get a fruity combo with ice cream while I would choose some weird partnership that would give me a 50-50 chance of a tummyache or tummy heaven in a few minutes.

Now my youngest cousin (the one who usually had the most sense amongst us) would look at me with a deadpan face and say "Ate, I'll just have corn." Aauurgh! I wanted to knock some sense into her and lecture her on all the wonderful things she was missing by being such a simplistic amoeba. Of course, there was nothing I could do. Although part of me wanted to drag her back home and dock her with a can of army size corn, another part of me kinda wondered why she was already contented that way.

Now, I guess she’s the smart one after all.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Life without Sugar

I had a very simple start to another long work week today.
being all drained, dried up and shriveled (in my head) because of all the sun ray I overdosed on all weekend, i had no inclination whatsoever (not even one teeny weenie bit!) to go to the gym. This is a good thing for today, because i have noticed my apetite has gone down too. I did not get any sugar spike at all (which was a confusing feeling, so i ended up getting my perfunctory donut anyway). So there I was, going through the motions of choosing which spawn of sin I should choose among the deceptively colorful baked "goodies" (how ironic, it would be more apt to say "baddies"!), I ate lunch with friends who asked what i was doing with something i do not even plan to eat. I look at them and say "Its a day for sharing , don't you know?" But up to this very minute, a very lonely half-donut sits sadly on the freezer shelf, shared by three people and enjoyed by none.

I am not craving for sweets today. I am not worried about anything in my life except work (which feeling shall expire the moment I step out the lobby). I am happy, I am content, I am loved.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Ironic mush

I played at a mini-world cup tournament all day.
I played for Team USA with all of my other Fil-Am or pure American soccer teammates.
They required an american passport for eligibility. I was one of the 3 allotted filipino members for our team.
It was great,we won the finals too.
I could deal with that except that we found out Team Philippines withdrew their participation the night before the games.
Why? For lack of players.
How's that for a twisted sense of irony?
(Oh yeah, I'm sure they had a hell of a time looking for authentic Filipinos around huh?)

Its past dinnertime and all i've had to eat today was half a pack of crackers and loads and loads of Gatorade.
My knees sting from being scraped around all day (ouch) and my head hurts from barely 5 hours sleep (double ouch)

I am getting tired of this kind of life sometimes. I wish i had real serious boring domesticated grown-up stuff to do. I wish I had to stay home instead of being out all day under the sun, slathering on layers upon layers of SPF70.
But I still enjoy riding this wave. Not forever though.
I just might be content to watch from the sidelines next year.