Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So what does a sandwich mean to you?

Unusual heading, I know. But this question has been floating in my head since this weekend. Since someone offered to make me sandwiches for lunch. Now I know it’s no big deal. But it can be, if I make it out to be. Because in this day and age, everybody’s always so busy. It’s so much easier to just get a value meal at the nearest fast food than to make a sandwich from scratch. But that is just so darn boring, not to mention utterly, unromantic (I think romance can exist in actions, not just between two people!).

If you think about it, much goes into preparing a nice, well thought out sandwich. First, you’d have to head out to a nice supermarket (I love the ones who are open ‘til odd hours because I get a kick out of seeing who likes to shop when they could be out partying or something like that), you should already have a list of things you need to buy (I learned from my last grocery trip that buying sandwich spread instead of getting mayo and a bottle of relish is so-not-a-good-idea. It doesn’t make your spicy tuna sandwich taste the same. Bleecch.), and having to start getting ready earlier than usual to prepare these things in time to wherever your going.

Now, knowing all these, and still offering to make a sandwich? Pretty cool. If that person only knew how grateful I was to receive that particular sandwich, they’d be pretty uncomfortable with all my gushing right now. Because it’s so much more than just a sandwich, it’s an act of true friendship. Which is what everyone needs to feel, every now and then. Even if it’s just in the form of your favorite peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat.

That feeling of Want

It’s another challenging day. What once were just a series of weeks of writing and non-writing has turned into this big crazy scary yet rewarding new set of responsibilities that has me constantly pushing my comfort zone wider. And has given me a better sense of self-worth. But there have been days, when I still feel like a fluke.

Part of my new job is to conceptualize articles and figure out which photos and text to put in. Today, work involved looking at hundreds of photos of couples for a relationship article. Shots upon shots of couples hugging, smiling and posed in a variety of uncompromising situations (or should I say positions?). I know I should not let it get to me. But it kind of still did. I can only view so much intimacy without wanting some for myself. As much as I consider myself more self-reliant and independent than any average woman out there, I can’t help but give in to loneliness sometimes. Even just for a moment or two. And then it sinks in. That dreaded feeling of Want.

Now the only thing worse than wanting something is wanting something that money can’t buy. Now money definitely can’t buy genuine intimacy. See it’s not just about being close to somebody, but being close to somebody whom you can feel also wants to be close to YOU. I can’t even remember the last time I got to hold someone’s fine warm hands (I have a thing for hands, you know). I know many instances where I feel like wanting to hold someone’s hand, but can’t. I can’t bring myself to bridge that gap and just grab what I want. I would never ask for it either (not just because I’m chicken sh*t, but also because I’m not sure it’s wise to step into that place full of landmines of uncertainty), whatever that means.

To be totally honest, inspite of the added stress, I am quite happy with my life right now. I love The Present. But it would definitely be an added bonus to have someone to share this happiness with too.