Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Just a Letter

Hello, you old soul.
I know you are out there, not waiting for me.
You're probably living your life to the fullest, which is great because that means you are happy wherever you are.
I'd like to say I wish I could meet you someday, but not just right now.
I know I still have a lot of things to do, tasks left unfinished, goals unattained, whims yet to be fancied. And all this I need to do without you.
I may also have a lot of growing up to do.
I know you wouldn't want me t be immature (all the time)
And I wouldn't want to make life too hard for you when we finally get together.

I have been hurt and in turn, have also caused a lot of pain.
I have been lonely and have also been longed for.
I have experienced a gamut of all these diversified emotions in all its wayward levels.
I have been hardened by reality and softened by being loved.
I only wish you can be as lucky as I have been to have experienced all things in black, grey and white.

I have had sorrows, but no regrets
I have had elation, but no nirvana
I have had focus, but no true commitent
I have been loved, but not by you.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

10 Things I hate about me

These aren't exactly things I bother to hate, but in tribute to my favorite movie of the same title, let's just squeeze it in......

1. I am a bad spitter
It's not like I am keen on spitting anyway, but during the times when I absolutely have to, It's just that I can't seem to get that perfect trajectory or even just a decent angle to aim at! I either end up spitting on my own shoe or worse, even my hair! Lesson of this story? Never spit. ever again.

2. I hate slimy fod
I know everyone in my family loves to eat eggplant omelette or even anything with egplant in it. I just can't seem to get over it's icky, slimy taste in my mouth. Not that it's a generelly distasteful thing (I'm pretty ok about moussaka), in fact I haven't even met anyone who shares the same distaste for it as me! Maybe it's because I love food in all its interesting textures and slimy just doesn't do it for me.

3. I hate unwanted visitors
Last year, I discoveredtwo suspicious alien elements n my chests (otherwise known as "The Lumps"). This kept me from doing work for one horrible month. But after I had them removed, I found out that it would not be the last time i would be playing host to these things, apparently, they had secured themselves some multiple entry visas courtesy of my family genes. Hopefully, the next time I see them, it'll just be for a short visit.

4.I am overly, doubly, immediately sensitive
All my friends know this or have felt it in some form or another (those poor souls). It's not that I'm an emotionally-imbalanced fruitcake, but I guess I just happen to have pretty high expectations from my friends (the real true blue ones). But in so far as my intimate circle of friendship is concerned, I have not been disappointed in a very very long time.

5. I over-analyze and hyper focus on everything
I have ruined "The Moment" on more than ne important occasion because of this unavoidable trait. Trying to be too cerebral about anything isn't always the best way to go (although i would tend to disagree). Like for me, what matters is not just what you say, but also what your not saying as well. Tricky, tricky I know. I just have a tendency to focus on all the little details that I lose sight of how grandiose the big picture is. Which brings me to my next trait....

6. I hate surprises
Who doesn't like the feeling of being in control, right? There are a lot of uncontrollable things in life as it is and I just want to make sure that I can at least be secure in some of the things that I have the power to control.

Or maybe it's just because not all the surprises in my life have been so great. Like in a pivotal year in high schol, my friends though it best to decide for me to meet up with a potential prom date. Which was all god and fine except that they never tld me which day I would be forced to face this unfamiliar member of the opposite sex. To top it off, this all had to happen on the day when I was wearing my lousiest unfiorm and ugliest socks! (I know I know, appearance is only secondary to what's inside, but when you've been trapped inside an all-girls catholic school for most of your life, these kinds of moments will have a deep-rooted impact on your psyche!) Call it trauma. Call it forgettable. I just really hate surprises.

7. I have the memory span of a goldfish
It's probably perfectly natural to forget birthdays, first names and faces even. But for me, it doesn't matter whether your a passing acquiantance or a longtime classmate, chances are I'd probably forget at the first year. Blame it on the numerous scholls I've been in and out of since college. Many a time have I had complete conversations with people I could not recall for the life of me. And during the course of this chit-chat, I will try to rack my mind for the slightest clue as to the identity of this person who seems to really know me. After that, find me dazed and looking up at the sky, wondering why the hell I couldn't have been smarter int his department.

8. I am stingy in some of the wrong places
I'd like to think that I know how to spend my (limited) resources wisely. Given my being currently unemployed, it's only natural for me t deprive myself of certain luxuries (like those yummy papaya shakes I've been hankering for lately). But given my warped sense of responsibilities, I tend to scrimp on matters regarding health and my safety in lieu of other "vitally important" things like books, magazines, good food and gym money.

9. I am way overly sensitive
Blame it all on the marathon kimchi soaps I've been watching for the past two years. Immersing myself in these things has admittingley made me too melancholic for my own good. Just recently, I've been revisiting Meteor Garden (which was what started EVERYTHING and now I am back t being hopelessly, endlessly smitten with Yan Cheng Xu (also known as Jerry Yan). Dammit.

10. ---------------------
I'm reserving this slot for one of my yet-to-be, soon-to-become thing that I might hate. I'm really glad I don't have anything too hateful inside of me right now, not for myself nor for others. Which is always a good thing.

Note: These things aren't listed in order of importance nor are they even that iportant. :)

Sunday, January 23, 2005

There is more than one way to say I Love You

English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bicol - Namomoot ako saimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino/Tagalog - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha

I wonder why I can't seem to get it right. For him.

Friday, January 21, 2005


"A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest of men."
-Mr. Willy Wonka

The other night, I think I found myself.
Or rather, I found a piece of myself.
It all started with a text inviting me for a friend's bridal shower.

Now I, generally, view "get-togethers" as a very dubious thing.
especially with people whom I have not seen for the longest time (7 years to be exact)
I hate thinking that they have grown miles and miles already and I am still stuck in the quagmire that is my life (ugh).
My first instinct is to shy away from re-connecting rather than connecting (its the same odd feeling i get when i am at a mall and bump into someone I know)

But then, I thought, "What the heck, lets do this". I know I could always kick myself in the head afterwards if any awkward situations occur (which surprisingly, did not)

So off I went (with my meticulously chosen gift in tow). But first, let me tell you something about that gift. First off, I have never been to a bridal shower before in my life and had no idea what happens in these kinds of things. An aunt suggested something really racy so I went out and bought a really nice(?) stringy red thong.

I hate being late for anything (except math classes) so I was at GMA7 (her office) a little after 7pm. I registered at the guard (with my ABS-CBN I.d! the audacity!) and saw that our other friend had come in right before me (which I thank God for since I could not for the life of me remember their surnames and was too embarassed to ask).

I will admit that a bit of nervousness started creeping up on me as I was going up her office. But as with other nervous moments, I decided to just fake it. Heck, noone can tell the difference when you appear confident (successfully).

So then, everything started falling into place (or so I think). We hugged and talked and waited for our (very) late other friend who was stuck with endless work in a far-off traffic-stricken city. We talked about old college days and old, moldy college crushes.

We had dinner at this nearby pasta place with gigantic servings (I, of course had angel hair tuna pasta with capers and olives, a tribute to good ole adi bear who used to bring me this stuff when i wasn't feeling too great.) We exchanged contacts and updates on why things are going the way they are and why some things are not.

While they were talking, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. These three wonderfully brilliant and consistent individuals (all creme de la creme of our state university!) have not changed one bit! It was like the times I was still sharing lunch them during our freshman year. I felt no alienation, no distance. They are truly good people. And in this, I remembered a part of myself I had not gone back to in a long long time. I remembered what it was like to be genuinely nice inside. I missed that.

Considering I barely had just one short semester with them, It is enough for a lifetime of friendship to follow. I'm so glad were in touch again . Happy-happy Joy-joy!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Stuck again

I will never again be as young as I used to be.

But I am never going to be as old as am.

I am no wonderful paradigm.
I just wish to maintain the best of me.
No wrinkles, no hang-ups, no trauma. yet.
I want to be stuck in this time warp where I don't have to worry about money and responsibility, and boys were just another variety of the human species.

I want my days to stretch out into weeks on end where I do not get depressed, or lonely, or hopeless.
I want my hours to last forever when I'm reading a very good novel. I want to live in that book for a couple of weeks or so, swept up in a life not mine.
I want my thoughts (optimistic or otherwise) to linger with me and not just last for a fleeting moment or two.
I want to be as kind to girls as I am to boys, more naturally, and not just because I am saying it so.
I want to be creative, unique and spontaneous, most of the time.

I have not figured out what my problem is.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Fate/Faith steps in

Just when you think your going bonkers..

I think I was going to be quite jaded for a while (again), not just because of love, but because of a lack for opportunity at a decently legal job, a confusion on what career i really wanna pursue (to write or not to write...), where i wanna pursue/explore it ("Oh say can you see......") and when I really should embark on a "serious/adult-type of work"

But then again, i always believed these things would come to me in some sort of epiphany (ha-ha), or from some rude awakening (left in the dust again...). Or maybe I'll just start to get hungry and miss making as much money as i used to.

I really don't know where this blog is going, but I won't be able to finish it today. Maybe tomorrow or sometime this weekend. Ah, loose ends.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Just a List

There are a couple of things I am trying very hard not to hate right now.

I know "hate" is such a strong word, but given that I am such an extreme person, I know that if I am totally not liking something right now, then I probably will end up hating it already.

Here's a top-of-my-square-head list of things I could live without right now:

1. Onion skin-like toilet paper
I'd like to think that my mom is a very economical person. Although she can be very frugal, I never expected to get so frustrated with some of the things she uses. I simply cannot understand why anyone would buy house utilities that my be cheaper, but such a pain-in-the-ass (literally & figuratively) to use! I try to pull out at least 2 consecutive sheets, but trust me it aint easy. Plus, since it's 1-ply (yes, this proves I really am living in the third-world),I actually have to hold it with both hands and pull as gently as I can so It won't break off! Can you imagine how many brain cells this would have saved me if we had bought at least a generic brand?! Anyway, I have resolved to buy my own toilet paper.

2. Going out with couples
Man, I don't care if your all lovey-dovey or not, a couple is a couple and that ticks the hell out of me right now. I may be hated for this, but I can't deny what I feel. I've even declined a couple of nights out because of this and I'm too chicken shit to tell my friends the real reason why. Call me bitter, broken-hearted, lonely or cynical butI just don't feel like being around people especially when they're "coupling" (I hate this word!)I dunno if this is a fleeting feeling or not (I hope it is)

3. Muscle pain
If I had my way, I'd be at the gym all day, every day. But because of this thing called muscle pain/fatigue/soreness, I am limited to just working out really hard a couple of days a week. Maybe I'm getting older (NOT), maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep (Most likely).

4. Inconsistent people
I am a very detail-oriented person. I like things all neat and clear in my head. So when I deal with fickle-minded individuals with no backbone, I get very disappointed. I like people with opinions and stand by them. I like people who don't switch sides, depending on who's winning.I like friends who will not just act like a friend when they need you. I like lots of good and bad people too. If your bad, then I have no problem with that. As long as your consistently bad.What scares me the most are those who are inconsistent. You never know what to expect from them.

I guess it's not really healthy to dwell on the things you hate, so I'm sure a list of the things I love will pop up on this blog eventually. But these are just some of the things swimming in my head these past few days.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Telling Tall Tales

Today, I have nothing new to say.

No new accomplishments (I'm feeling too inept and hopeless about getting a regular job to write anything worthy of publication right now, To hell with deadlines!!!), no new feelings (still trying to numb things out by hiding out in my cousin's house and being unreachable for a few days).

I haven't even met up with anybody. Not my friends (who are all equally busy with life, love and their secretly sordid hobbies anyway) nor my co-author in this current quasi-relationship. But I am quite happy the way things are going (or stagnating) at the moment. No big changes. No major drama.

I've finally realized that I am most happy when I am with family. Whether I am with them in person, talking with them on the phone, chatting with them overseas or emailing them, I always end up with this cute fuzzy feeling. With family, I can be as inadequate, un-funny and as overly dramatic as I wanna be. I can be whiny, overbearing and impatient (to a certain volcanic point). I can wear (very) unwashed clothing, dance like stupid crazy and laugh like a hyena without anyone getting all weird on me. I am "special" to them in an un-psychiatric kind of way.And that's why they will always be part of me.

Actually, when it comes to blood relations, I have a very small family.
Come to think of it, some of the people I consider as family arent even legally related to me! Family are those guys who choose to take the time to care about me, be concerned about me and make me feel like I matter to them and vice-versa.
These are not obligatory feelings. Just plain solid friendship.

These past two days, I have been lucky enough to catch my cousin from Cali online. He doesn't know it, but I love being in touch with him again! We lost communication after I moved back to the country and now, more than 10 years later, I am relating to him like he just lives in the next city! I really wish I'd been able to grow up with him (were the exact same age). I'd be a better (much nicer) person for sure!

I mean, being apart that long, I'd have assumed he'd treat me like a semi-stranger! But you know what, the first time he emailed me back (I tracked him down on Good ole' Friendster!), he ended his email with the words Much Love (yeah, yeah, I know i'm being mushy-wushy, but it really did make all the difference to me). Dang, the effect reaching out does to someone huh? I guess I'm all the more happier now because of that.

So what's my tall tale for the day?
-Trying to glue together a uncooked blog with no real definition.
-Realizing that family will always come first, not necessarily relatives.
-Giving small, seemingly unimportant things (like time, attention and a little affection) can go a long way for some people (namely, me)

Well maybe they're really not so tall after all.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Cooking up a Storm

I guess I must really be asking for it.

I am currently in over my head with work (some assignments I really wanna do, others I wish I could just forget). Aside from the fact that I have not had a decent night's sleep since November, it has also bugged me endlessly that I got screwed over by a company who I am still (kinda) working for.

The thing with this company (hereby known as "Massive Tax Evader or M.T.E) is that it tries to gloss over all their major internal problems by giving you beautifully packaged bullshit. It has already loss its spot as the top mass media company of the country and not without good reason. They are literally going to the dogs.

They have yet to pay me for work I've done months ago for them and yet here I am, complaining of the work I am STILL doing for them. Ain't I a sucker for bullshit?

I wish the people in the big institutions (like MTE) would just play fair when it comes to wages, job status and honesty. Can't they at least be forthright about it when you ask them if theyre screwing you over?

So now, i gotta go finish one of the things I promised to do. Do research, interview, edit, yada, yada, yada. Heck, Binigyan na nga akong trabaho, humihingi pa ako ng suweldo?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Something to Share

Just wanted to share the best New Year's message I recieved last December 31st:

"To kinder gods and fiercer loves,
to brief jealousies and even shorter griefs,
To wine, to coffee, to sunsets and full moons,
To family, friends and country.
Happy 2005!"

My old boss sent me this and I just had to include this in my blog because rare are the things that make me wish I had been the one writing it.

(Hopefully) a fruitful 2005

This year, I've decided to give somebody a second chance.

I never even thought it out, lest I come up with some over-analyzed theory on why I should forever remain unloved in 2005.

Before I knew it, I was already on a date, holding hands with the one guy I thought I was never going back to. So much for dreams about my best friend (refer to my 1st entry) and reconciliations with my first boyfriend. I've already decided to do this, head first, not looking back at what havoc this would wreak on my psyche (and his). Because in the long run, I really can't see us together.

Kinda like this wicked roller coaster ride I took once. Felt like my insides were gonna spill out any minute, but i still held on knowing it was gonna stop eventually. 3 minutes later, getting off the ride, i felt like I had vertigo, hypertension and was pregnant all at the same time. but i'm glad i went through it (lest I be called King Chicken Shit by my unsympathetic friends). I'm glad I got through it. And thats how its always going to be. Do it, get through it and come out barely alive but breathing with still enough intensity left inside you to love again.

ha-ha, i'm talking gibberish i know. but isn't it always like that when your (supposedly) in love?