Friday, December 31, 2004

Fireworks and Bullets

Today is the first day of my new life.

I spent new year's eve with my best friend's family (my first away from home) and it was great.
We had yummy steak with french bread and lots of salad. There was also drinks with tapioca (my favorite!) and black jelly. I brought some sparklers to usher in the new year with bright lights and no noise while his dad had bullets to welcome the new dawn in with a bang.

Before that night, I had never seen anyone fire a gun in my entire life.

I was naive enough to think that it wasn't what it actually was (probably just some crazy firework or something), but tension set in when my best friend started screaming for it to stop (it would be sad to kill anything human or otherwise). Then it hit me that the thing I'm supposed to fear the most last night was just across from me in the room (the gun, not the dad). Funny how that small ugly inanimate metal object could instill such a paralyzing fear in my heart (or maybe im just chicken shit).

But we got over that (i think) a short while after and retreated to the music room where my friend had already started on his yearly tradition of playing his guitar loud enough to wake the dead (don't get me wrong, his freestyle way of music is impressively good). Me and his sister watched and applauded til his fingers hurt from playing too much.

The fireworks had died down early this year (around 2am), but the fireworks inside me are still surprisingly loud. I am happy, ecstatic even. I don't even have to define why.

I'm sure it's going to be a pretty darn good year ahead......

Thursday, December 30, 2004

A firm believer in Food

As i write this, I am trying to juggle eating a bowl of frozen fruit salad and writing something coherent and of literary value to the world.

I believe there's always something to be said about food. Good food especially.
I have always loved eating, savoring each new taste.
Don't get me wrong. I have also managed to eat alot of disgusting stuff. (not naman ala Fear Factor though).

Anyway I feel like I am skirting the real issues in my life though.
I am in more quasi-relationships than I know how to handle.
I want to take care of someone who I know will not want that kind of attention from his best friend.
I want to forget someone who will not let go of me for lack of better opportunities at a relationship.
I am at a loss to describe how me and an ex are trying to piece together some semblance of a friendship.
I am not even ready to go into anything. But I feel like I am drawn to be part of something.

I am not making any sense. Let's just talk about food.

Yesterday, I had more Chinese food in my tummy than I ever thought possible. (Hello Aji-no-moto!)
I never knew that mushrooms could be cooked in so many yummylicious fantastic ways!
I ate more garlic rice than my low-carb diet would ever allow.
I got to play with the pot-bellied pig and baby monkey in diapers that brought good luck to the restaurant. (oh-so-cute!~)
But more importantly, I was able to be in the company of truly good people who I also happen to call my friends.

It was a fun day. Although I could not help stealing glances at the guy who I refuse to like more than necessary.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

One helluva maybe

So am I or am I not in love with him?

I try not to think about this too much because I do not want to be lured into entertaining this ludicrous thought (although I am obviously failing miserably). I want to go about my day to day as if these thoughts had never crossed my mind (ever!).

You see I love my best friend. But I am not in love with him.

I love it that I can call him on and off all day at all hours. I love it that I am constantly in touch with him and he doesn't mind it one bit (not even a tiny bit!). I love it that he actually texts or call back on time at ALL times. Now why would I want to change any of that?

My dreams do not rule me, but they help me see........

But what do I see? In my waking reality, I am happy with the few (but true blue) friends I have, the good (affordable) food I get to eat and the wonderful (underground) stuff I have already read and seen. i am not in want for anything that might be jarring to any of that. I am not up for any scary roller coaster ride (figurative or otherwise).

I guess It's because I'm still single that I start to see myself (in my weird head) being paired off with other eligible (yet incompatible) guys.
Since I am closest to my best friend, he was an obvious target. Poor guy.
It was warm and fuzzy feeling in my dream, but that's all it was, just a dream.
And a dream it will remain.

Because I love my best friend, he will forever stay where he is. Closest to my heart :)

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Wishing it wasn't

Last night i dreamt i fell in love with my best friend.
And this is why I am finally creating a blog.

I have been resisting doing this for the longest time because first off, i would rather not use up electricity while my mind is trying to come up with ideas to put into writing (call me ms.scrooge)and secondly, because i am rather hesitant to put my thoughts (feelings, subconscious craziness and the like) in public for all the glorious online world to see. I am a very private person but now, apparently all that has changed.

all because of my stupid stupid dream.

I have noone to tell it to. Noone to share its craziness with. And i most definitely am still in denial why it ever came to be. Dreams are weird. But they cannot lie. I guess I should admit there must be even an iota of truth in it. But i refuse to succumb.

My dream wasn't sexual, or sensual even. It was so ordinary that i just let it run its course because i thought it wouldnt bite me in the butt with its surprise ending.

It started simply enough, I was at my best friend's house, having one of our usual dvd marathons. We were on the couch and I took a pillow and asked him if I could sleep on his lap. (Such audacity! I cant even give him a perfunctory kiss on the cheek because we aint like that in person at all.... although i do steal stuff off his plate whenever i feel like it.) So then, we ended up sleeping on the couch together (how we fit comfortably there escapes me). Then his mom came in and asked if i wanted to sleep over.
All comfy, cozy and good. That's all i can remember. (I think that's all i wanna remember)

Now that i had this story (huh?what story?) to tell, i finally see why i have friends who keep blogs (heck, i even have one friend who has 3 blogs! one is acknowledged as hers, another is so private she doesnt let us read it and the 3rd is anonymous, probably 'cause thats where she keeps all her down dirty secrets!) Anyway, i've been reading their blogs for sometime now and i've been pretty much content that way.

But now, since I've a pretty good reason to keep a blog (not that any of my friends will ever find out about it), I've decided to have a bit of fun with this one.