At first, I was going to say I can't believe it's been almost a decade since I posted anything. But the truth is I can believe it. There's so many unwritten stories packed in between those nine years since my last post and I'm still wondering if I should revisit them on paper soon. During the gap in writing posts, it would be nice to think that I've been too busy enjoying real life to find time to post but I know the not-so-pretty truth. It would also be awesome if I had a concrete reason that doesn't make me sound boring, lazy, or uninspired. But the truth is, I write for a living. I write everyday. And I don't really remember why I stopped writing here.
All I know is I've been feeling out-of-sorts these past few days and I don't know what to do with these weird feelings which I can only describe as something that's a mishmash of happy, lonely, and disillusioned. The truth is, being around too much talking makes me feel even lonelier even though I am happy with the company I keep.
It's been a while since you left and since then I know I lost the only person who's ever been there for me unconditionally. I wanted to/couldn't/wouldn't/ speak at your funeral. It felt wrong to share my grief. I lost the only safety net I ever had in my life. You were the only one who wasn't going to let me fall. Guess it's just luck of the draw the only parental figure I ever had had to pass. And it's not true that family will always be there for you. Sometimes they can be the ones who will make it hurt the post. And then you slowly realize that parents aren't automatically guardian angels and siblings/cousins are not your built-in BFFs. But it is always a nice thing to have a clearer vision of things.
Last year I kept wondering why I wasn't feeling as scared, depressed, worried, as most people understandably were because of the pandemic. I thought to myself, 'I'm okay and I don't feel any of those things. Is something wrong with me?' But that's what can happen when you isolate yourself from toxins. You end up feeling clean.
So despite the more uncomfortable emotions, I am thankful to still enjoy the things that make me happy and are not just what you can buy with money. I think those feelings are there to make the highs feel even better even when the lows can give me the worst thoughts. I didn't even know I don't have a best friend! But I don't think I was sad about that until I actually thought about it. (and I realize it when people refer to other people as their best friends when talking to me, my paranoia sometimes wondering if its to emphasize that I am not a best friend to them, but I shake that useless thought off almost immediately).
The truth is, I don't need a best friend. I just need genuinely nice friends. Because this isn't sports. I don't need to compete for top place. Friendship shouldn't be competitive. And also, maybe I don't want anyone to get to know too much of me.
This is definitely not the most cohesive post. Maybe I have gotten a bit rusty writing about myself. But I am writing this for me and just me anyway so it is ok. I am just glad to be back. And maybe I do feel a little bit better now. So hello again and goodbye. For now.
