I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and
trouble to send me your darn chain letters over the
past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the
phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the
estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will
take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE
did not mention it works that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for
looking out for me!
I will now return the favor. If you don't send this
e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds,
a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at
5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand
camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin