Unwritten

I really like this song by Natasha Bedingfield.
I first heard it when my cousin sang it during our karaoke night and ironically, i think I prefer her version over the original (must be blood loyalty).

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."

And since this is the first week of the year, I felt it quite apt to inculde it in this entry.
I'm also trying to finish up the rest of my resolutions......

(warning: girly-girl issues ahead)
1. Stop wearing those ill-fitted (but comfy) satin bras and start investing on some raunchier push-up ones (haha). Seriously, except for my sports bras (which i prefer to wear anyway), i find that my ordinary ones fit bad. Probably because i hate wearing underwired and i'd do away with bras altogether (blame it on the influence of my aunt in the states whose probably enjoying herself in some hippie farm in Alabama right now) if it weren't for the fact that i'd be so bothered with all that "jiggling."

2. Burn my old, abused corduroy pants and invest in some new ones. I'd like to think that my corduroys are like having pet dogs, they can get thinner as they get older, but still be the same lovable creatures that they were when you first bought them. But there comes a time when the holes are getting too big and your ass is spilling out (and unless your some cute,hot unaware guy like Maximo actor Ping Medina, then I don't think you can get away with that kind of shit) and since corduroy isn't the most expensive fabric in the world, then I figure getting new ones are okay. (But on second thought, i'm still keeping my ratty ones)

3.Over the holidays, I've noticed my family has decided to ditch the old traditional Filipino party format (ya know, the typical noodle ("for long life"), meat dishes and rice cakes fare) and opted for a more "continental" (read:hoity-toity) approach. So basically, we had alot of wine and cheese parties. Which kinda freaked out my "hefty" cousins who are so used to rice meals. I guess it's a good change. But I don't think it'll help us lose weight if we get more than double servings because the portions are cut so small (mushroom horderves are yum!). So my resolution on this is to not get trapped into eating my usual default no-brainer fare. Maybe I could get used to fastfood veggie meat at Bodhi instead of KFC..........

4. Read more, rant less. Not that I have time to blog as much as before anyway, but I've noticed the piles of unread books in my room piling up and I haven't really been trying to catch up with that (Blame it on The Far Side books I got for Christmas, which left my classic reads totally forsaken). But I promise, starting this month, i will read, read and read!

5. Don't really mind the Joneses. Although society has already declared (who the f**k comprises of society anyway?!?) what it deems acceptable and atrocious, I see no reason why I should choose not to ascribe to that particular book of rules. We may coincidentally have similar beliefs (like not walking around in the city with just your underwear, worn inside out or picking your nose with your feet), but that doesn't mean I agree with other things. I think too many rules make life hard for people. To the point that they are a burden already. Rules should be pliant like the bamboo (Which applies to Pinoys, according to a cool filipino writer).

6. Lessen my dependency on "sugar highs." If quick fixes like this were as easily applied to sex, well........ haha, i'll just leave it at that.

New Year's heave

I think I know exactly what dimsum feels like now.
After spending a quarter of an hour in my gym's steam room, I kinda get the feeling that this is how my favorite shrimp dumplings feel like right before being served.

I just had to squeeze in that last minute workout before 2005 officially ends and I've decided that I'll have to level up my life somehow in so many ways.

I've never actually had serious resolutions before, but when I guess now is the best time to come up with them so here goes....

1. I 'fess up. I am a hopeless chocoholic. I dont think I can totally curb my appetite for chocolates, but I can at least inhibit myself (and save more money) by not buying them. So from now on I will forbid myself to shell out any cash for it no matter how big the craving. I will only live off freeloading these treats from good friends (haha, not really good news for my friends.)

2. (Potable) Water is now my best friend. I was baptised in it (i think), I bathe in it (when I can haha) and my kidney craves for it (it hates bleeding, thats why). So from now on, (except for those stupid sugary drinks that comes free with value meals) I will try to only drink water for refreshment. Soya and cow's milk are a whole different issue altogether. Oh and the doctor says I need to up my intake to 20 glasses a day to be safe (sorry kidney...)

3. I want to be a better listener this year. More than a talker, I think I can learn alot by not being so in-your-face all the time and just be more laidback about things. Taking the cue from my new favorite movie character Aslan, I'd rather rule the world with wisdom not power.

These past few months, I've tried to not be as reactive and I am starting to believe that it is the more intelligent thing to do. I am psyched about the coming year as it gives me the opportunity to do things better too. Everyone deserves a fresh start!

more resolutions to come...

Travelling with Time

Christmas has past and now everybody is getting ready for 2006.
I am psyched, but at the same time, I am also feeling a little bit sad.

2005 turned out to be much better than I ever expected and even though i wasn't really expecting that much (I actually thought it would be very uneventfully safe year). I met and discovered a couple of nice folks, some i had known even before, but never really got around to really getting close to. I also have come to terms with my incessant (yet prevalent) need to not not be alone.

I've settled in a job which i've discovered can be just as great or just as menial as I make it out to be. I like what I get paid to do and I think it is an amazing thing that i havent been found out to be the writing hack that i really am. (lucky bastard).

And since there's so much to be thankful for in 2005, i've decided to come up with resolutions for 2006. Although they're all swimming like soggy alphabet noodles in my head right now(my mind is like a small bowl of hot and creamy mushroom soup). I am plotting forward. because at least in theory, I am getting somewhere.

The Rush

It's Christmas eve tomorrow and I am soooo glad I do not have any pressing need to go out anymore. One can literally drown in the swarm of people out and about. One particularly gruelling day was when I spent the afternoon shopping for prizes for the games for two parties. A task I thought would not be daunting until now. try getting swept up literally by a throng of gift-hungry masses looking for the best bargain.

Tonight I am catching KingKong on the big screen with a fellow movie buff. Our last chance to go out before family duties take up all our time next week. A merry Christmas indeed!

This entry isnt going to be finished right now.....

The End is Near...

For 2005 that is.
Haven't really had the time nor inclination to post anything new.
I guess I can be thankful that there's been much to do and not enough time to do nearly half of everything I want.
But it's been a memorable year for sure. Not great, but memorable nonetheless.
I've had the opportunity to travel to the places I wanna see, with the people I wanna be with and stay for as long as I could afford to allow me the chance to miss my beloved city. I was even lucky enough to go back again and again! All in the same year. Now that, was why this could be considered great.

I've also managed to break my one year curse (which applies to both employment and relationships) because I've decided to stay put in my job and I've actually started liking the thought of growing roots here. Because the people are creative and the environment isn't hostile. I've even gone out with colleagues a couple of times and have started missing them on the weekends when I don't have to work (who would've thought!)

It's almost mid-december and the last opportunity for flag football this year has just passed. It was fun and stressful all at the same time. (Note to self: reffing is a thankless job, so why do it?) Though I had work, I just couldnt bear the thought of missing the games, more because this was the only real opportunity where I get to "hang" with like-minded people (read: sport addicts) and because my life had become a routine blur of work-gym-home with the occasional book store jaunt.

Next year promises me alot of things. I asked the Fates what was in store for me and it looks like I was meant to do some serious travelling (on the road, not in my head). So maybe this really is seriously my last playing year in the exhilirating world of contact sports. But surprisingly, I am not too broken up about that. I have alot of things to smile about right now.

2006 here I come....



Endnote:
October was great. October was my favorite month this year. Which is probably why I don't have a single entry during that entire month.

Attachments

Its been awhile since I last wrote anything online and I guess I am getting used to the hustle and bustle of real life.

Not that I want to immerse myself in a self-perpetuated cyber reality, but that I have suddenly found myself too busy to do anything else but work, sleep and dream.

But inspite of all this, I find myself still attached to the things I thought I could always let go. Just like that. Things that I thought were insignificant and specifically relevant only to a certain phase in my life, people I thought who were just gonna be there seasonally and values I thought I could move on from.

Things things i find myself going back to again and again. And i do not want to sound like i am trying to be philosophical or anything. I am just discovering how much of a fondness (?) I have with things i didn't think too much of in the first place.

One Helluva Party

I barely had time to catch my breath this weekend.
Apart from playing in a really muddy game. I had to fight off an impending fever that same day, making me all high strung and crabby for the duration of the game. I wasn’t stressed about the opponents, but rather that I felt my team wasn’t delivering up to par with our usual gameplay. I feel that winning isn’t winning when your just capitalizing on other people’s mistakes.

Anyway, we finally had our fundraising football night that same day at a cozy secluded area in Rockwell. We just couldn’t believe how many people came! They just kept pouring in! We ran out of drinks halfway through the night (and this was when we had already asked for four extra bottles already over and above the supply we brought that night). One ticket equals one shot of Jagermeister (our team sponsor).

Anyway, despite all the comings and goings, I believe the party never really died down til around 5am, when the bar starting closing down. The influx was crazy. I saw reps from almost all the teams show up (men AND women) People just didn’t wanna call it a night. And I’ve never seen so many drunk friends in one place before. Since nobody wanted to go home yet, we then hied off for an all-night buffet breakfast at Eastwood city (can you believe driving all the way there just to eat again?!). I got home just before 7am.

What a night.

Sick

I hate being sick.
First off, your body stops listening to you and goes off on its own way of coping with its pains.
Chills, muscle pains, fever, dizziness, nosebleeds.... all this crap I've had to deal with since Sunday, when I started feeling woozy.

Now I'm back at work (of my own free will), still dizzy but making myself useful.
At home all I did was watch Harry Potter movies and a Taiwanese series based on Japanese Manga called "Mars."
To put it bluntly, Its about traumatized people and how they deal with their pasts. More than that, its also an addicting love story starring Barbie Hsu and Vic Zhou of Meteor Garden fame. I love it that they switch character profiles in this series. she's now the subservient and quiet doormat Qui Luo, while he plays brash and reckless aspiring Grand prix rider Ah Ling.

Its the middle of the afternoon and i think i am just going to go home.
i'm feeling quite melancholic today.
I hate thinking about my birthday.

Lost

Today, this is probably the most apt blog entry title I could ever have chosen. Why?

1. Because it is also the title of one of my favorite tv shows right now
2. Because I tend to feel this way for a few hours everyday when i'm too tired to work or finish my gym class
3. Because I am an idiot who loses or breaks things in the most unforgivably stupid ways possible.

The other day, I was thinking how its been quite a long time since I had a good cry (which begs the question, can crying generally be viewed as good thing? Don’t you just cry when your in despair most of the time?) I realized I’ve never really had a big enough reason to cry, nor have I been affected enough (I think) to succumb to such an act. But then again, I can be resilient in all the wrong places. Which follows that I can cry for all the wrong reasons.

Like today, I lost something I’ve had for the past couple of years (which miraculously, has never been broken or conked out on me, unlike most of my stuff). It was a birthday gift I specifically asked for back in college. A trusty black automatic umbrella. My lifesaver.

In my rush to get to work, I took a cab and put my drenched umbrella down, thinking I would have the right number of brain cells left not to leave it. Ha-ha. So when I finally realized this awful fact (after seeing my officemate dry out his umbrella), I wanted to rush to the nearest mall and buy myself a new one, exactly like the one I lost. It was a very unnerving feeling, like someone stole something from me. Only I knew it was my lapse of composure that was to blame.

So I called up my aunt (she’s also one of my closest friends) on the off chance we could go hunting for the same umbrella this same afternoon. Ended up crying on the phone while explaining what happened. I know it sounds silly, but I just don’t know why it’s the inane things that make me cry. Like it’s a catalyst for all the other :heavy stuff” I should be crying about.

Just a Quote

I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not. --- Robert G. Ingersoll

Who wears the Pants

You really learn something new everyday.

And sometimes from the unlikeliest of places, mind you.
I got my latest nugget of knowledge from a cab driver today.
We were stuck in traffic (I had to pick up a designer gown we were gonna use for a pictorial and it simply could not be folded or arranged in a manner that would have made it easier or more comfortable for me to carry). And during one godawful long stoplight, the driver turns his head around and asks me what I think about girls wearing jeans. I told him I never really gave a flying fig about it. I always thought it was natural for clothing to evolve into what was more comfortable (as well as cool).

Well anyway, he starts telling me about the time when he remembers that there weren't even any pants available for women (he must've been really old). That it was considered weird for a woman to walk around wearing clothes meant for "just the menfolk." I look out the window and think about it. How things have changed and how things will change even more.

He also mentions how skirts nowadays always seem to get shorter and shorter. There's another interesting nuance he also points out. Apparently, men don't understand why girls in micro-minis keep trying to pull their skirts down when they know its not gonna stretch any further down. Makes their being conscious more conspicuous. Not really cool.

Lucky Bitch

I've been walking around half-asleep lately.
Don't really know why.
It's not that I almost lost my job last week.
Or that I am losing interest in the only other thing that drives me to wake up everyday.

Last night I lost my phone. And found it again.
Right in the middle of the road.

I had gotten off my usual stop, about a block from my house.
Before going home, I had passed by a late-night supermarket to get fresh fruit and my guilty junk food rations for the week.

Now I have this stupid tendency of texting in the middle of traffic which was why my mobile was not tucked safely in my bag, but just barely peeking out of my jeans pocket. When I got off, with my big backpack (gym staple) and pack of groceries, I didnt bother to double check if I had left anything behind (thats another thing I'm prone to doing nowadays, never looking back)
It was not until I was inside the house that I noticed the absence of a bulge in my right pocket.

Panic, i've learned, is a controllable urge once you've conditioned the mind to accept things you cannot change or contribute to.
So as I decided to search my bags then retrace my steps all the way outside, I was also trying to tell myself that stupid things happen because I let it happen, because thats what happens when you let yourself slide into a lazy state of complacency.

I figured, by this time, somebody wouldve passed by and picked it up already.
But then again, it wouldnt hurt to at least try and look for it.
So as I walked, not trying to look too panicked, nor too dejected. Until I reached the main road. Just as a tricycle zoomed passed the dark orange-lit street, I saw a small black bar lying smack in the middle of the road and i raced to it, knowing full well it could have already been flattened by the rush of vehicles zooming past.
But I was lucky, it was 10pm and traffic was light.

So as I walked up to my poor phone (Its just a baby at barely 2 weeks old), i felt ashamed at being so careless, so scatterbrained, so full of myself. It didnt have a scratch on it at all! (well, except the ones I made when I lug it around).

I figured, only people who have ever truly been in need are the most careful people in the world. Those who do not have any extra to spare, or have cherished what they have to the point of worship. These are those who know and appreciate how lucky they are, to have what they have, to be in the exact situation they have been put in. They know fully well why they do or don't deserve what they have.

I'm not rich. A cellphone is as much a luxury as it is a necessity for me. But maybe, deep inside I know I can live without it. That I dont really need it (well, my boss needs it to contact me, but not the other way around. God knows I'd love not getting last minute text assignments in the middle of the night). I know I should value money more. That it is not just a means to an end, but a means to get me to a specific end.

Love is another commodity in my life I haven't quite taken good care of lately. It seems that I am at a point of losing it and I am not being extra careful again. Not with my actions nor with my words.

I need to keep things closer to my heart I think.

All in a daze work

Everytime I am out walking about, these thoughts pop into my head that I store, things that I would like to do, would like to be, would like to write. And then they end up getting lost somewhere in my mind and I feel stupider than when I didn't think of these things.

There are very few simple things in life that can calm me down, perk me up and get me going again. Here's the top 5

1. Going through a second-hand bookstore and finding nice books to read(its a shame to leave with only one)
2. Walking along a busy street market, taking in all the wonderful eye candy, the colorful wares, the people bartering, the smells, the entire social set-up. It is
like one big lesson in psychology, or art, depending on what you need or want to
know.
3. Visiting vintage shops with no particular mission in mind and you end up with an
armful of stuff you suddenly decided you cannot live without.
4. Walking around the neighborhood mall (it doesnt really matter what the backdrop is) with my best friend for hours, lugging our heavy backpacks (he's also chronic overpacker like me) and talking and overtalking out every silly and sorry little thing we've not been disclosing to each other since we last met.
5. Spending a day by myself, acting on whim and not really knowing where i'll end up.

Manila's Really Trippy

Funny things always seem to happen to me.
Not that it’s really funny from my perspective, more of embarrassing actually.
Like take for instance, last night, an old friend of mine treated me out and we had a nice relaxing foot massage together. I would’ve fallen asleep except that my friend wanted to hear the buzz about anything and everything in showbiz.

Going home, we decided to take the Metro Rail Transit (MRT) since we figured it was past rush hour and it was faster than the start-stop-hobble movement of the buses in the highway. But boy were we so wrong. There were still so many train commuters at that hour. The MRT line 3 (the one I take to and from the office) has around 12 or so stations going north to south continuously. Now the train doors are located on both sides of the train. This is because every 4th or so stop has a shared platform. Now I am not the type to push and shove just to get into that blasted train, but my friend was confident that we’d fit. So I figured I’d step in last and if there’s no space left then I could just take one step back and take the next ride.

So me and Tess were chatting and catching up on months worth of stories we haven’t shared with each other and all that when the train doors started to close, with one of my bag handles still outside. Funny right? We laughed it off and I figured oh well, I’ll get back full possession of my bag (that’s what I get for bringing a dainty shoulder bag instead of my usual backpack) in the next station. No worries. Until the couple who were (squashed up) behind me pointed out that I’d have to take a round trip (which meant around 8 more stops) to get my bag back since we wouldn’t be passing into anymore shared platforms! Of course, everyone was staring at my reaction, which can only be described as a mixture of amusement, humor, horror and panic.

I was already mentally preparing myself to wait it out, weathering all the looks I was getting from people and accepting the fact that they were all secretly feeling lucky that they would never have to get into unbelievable follies like that girl who was stuck to the train door because she wasn’t sharp enough to pull her bag in. My friend looked at me sympathetically (what else could she do right?). and I was already psyching myself up as to what a great experience it was to be able to have an MRT train all to myself (even though I still couldn’t sit down and leave my bag hanging in mid-air. Only 3 stations more to go and everyone was gonna get out and leave me inside til the train turns around and go south. But a sympathetic dude (who I just know is a God-send!) offered to help pull it out, since the door edges were all rubber. And pull we did, ever so gently, and successfully. Relieved is too minor a term to describe what I felt.

Now, I think I can say it was quite funny.

Seafood Soap (soup)

I am writing this while juggling work and lunch (im such a bad bad employee...)
Anyway, i just have to write that I had taken a liking to this instant seafood noodle soup, wherein you just pour in the hot water and Viola, ita a mini-meal!
I like using chopsticks, for the heck of it (plus, it slows my digestion process, i got so attuned to having 15-minute meals in high school that i end up eating so fast and so plenty!)

well, it just dawned on me that my favored soup at the moment smells and possibly also tastes like soap! Yum. yum. yum. I really must need to get out more. (Fyi, my cousin likes tasting baby powder, so there.)

Its back to the rat race......

All Jazzed Up

Its past 2am, i am at the office listening to my Jazz in the City cd.
I'm contemplating sleeping in the lobby sofa (wouldnt be the first time though) just so i wouldnt have to go home and come back by lunch time (there goes my weekend...)

I don't really mind, we're working on a really good feature article right now and I know it'll be worth the sweat. Plus, i probably get a few days off next week. So now, my head is feeling kinda light, I wish I'd remembered to buy bread from the bakery before going home, and my brain is saturated in all sorts of Jazz.

Tomorrow is the start of the all-womens tourney (which i so obviously wont be able to participate in), i'm not that bummed, my knee hates me right now for not being responsible enough to bring it for an MRI. My other knee is starting to act up but lets not go there...

I am hoping to find the time to watch the new Willy Wonka movie (good luck with that) and hopefully buy a new phone. i'm not the picky type but my trusty old unit is about to give up on me any minute now (dontcha just know it, right gerard?)

anyway, im just on a blogging break, back to work.......

Finger food

For me, finger food can be classified into two categories, food which is eaten using your fingers (or toes, if you like) or food which actually resemble fingers (like those mighty thin fish sticks i had for lunch at the cafeteria, which, on the menu read "Special of the Day: Fish Fingers with Crispy Kangkong and garlic mayo dressing". What I didn't expect was that they would actually have the audacity to serve me one lousy piece of that leafy veggie! Oh my god, do they actually think I'd have fulfilled my RDA with that one leaf?! Anyway, this is why you should never trust breaded food. The breading (more truthfully known as "extenders" give the appearance of a fat juicy slab hiding under a textured layer of crispyness, its more like a thick slab of crispyness with a thin layer of something that allows our taste buds to recognize that its meat.)

What food can we eat with out fingers? Ive discovered that it can be practically everything except coffee jelly, spaghetti and baked macaroni. One of the hardest things I've tried to eat with my fingers was a very very sharply-boned piece of skinny fried fish. It was quite the challenge. and it didnt even tide me over.

The photo above, I am proud to say, was taken during a very rainy night while I was having the meal-before-the-actual-dinner with some of my teammates. This for me is one of the best meals of the week, right after a punishing round of training, we hie off to the nearest fast food joint and order whatever. I dont really end up remembering what I ate, its just an excuse to hang out and talk more before parting ways to another long week at work. What we did that night was order fries and just created one big pile in the middle of the table. We ran out of ketchup though (i dont think anyone noticed). Others ordered more than that, shared more than that. But noone was keeping tabs anyway.

I love nights like these. Sometimes its not just that the main event that matters, but the run down of everything after.

Sunny Sway

I know it sounds immature to say responsibility is a drag
So I wont.

I guess the weather is getting to me.
It should.

I know this won't last forever.
It can.

I know it sounds cliche to say Love conquers all.
My love will.

Out of Sorts

My fridge whacked me on the head today.
Or rather, it helped me whack myself on the forehead. Hard.
So today I’ve got this red mark that looks like an unfinished triangle on the upper side of my left forehead.

Now I’ve always reminded myself to stay away from sharp pointed metal objects (that in the past have led to accept words like “general anaesthesia” and “sutures”) but apparently, now I have to be wary of blunt inanimate things as well. My lackadaisical way of doing things sometimes gets the best of me and I know I should put more finesse in my actions. So mental note to thyself: Thou shall tone down a notch or two in the forcefulness department. This is actually a very good reminder because last Friday I almost chopped off the upper half of my right index finger while cutting thin carrot slices (which I last attempted doing many eons ago). You know that point where you feel your finger getting sliced and still you cut down all the way through? Ha, my brain doesn’t distinguish abrupt reactions, so I simply just “had” to chop all the way down. All the way down into my skin. This is so consistent with my personality, no mediocrity, no halfway options. I’m sometimes too severe for my own good.

Standing still

I am feeling like a sad sorry pile of crap right now.
I long for sleep, but am still at work. I almost dozed off on the train getting here, but my selfserving brain decided that its gonna be far more tiring to hop off a farther station than it is to keep yourself conscious for a few more minutes.(been there, done that, dont want to get off weird alien stations ever again)

Tonight, I dont feel like working out or doing anything that involves rigorous knee joint movement. Which unfortunately also involves brisk walking, which i love to do. Which also probably explains my newfound penchant for hailing down grandpa-looking cabbies. Commuting by taxi has never been that appealing to me til now. But still, I am heading to the gym after writing this entry.

I want to eat but I'm not really hungry. Its just my way of getting this sick feeling out of my mind's focus even for just a few peaceful minutes. Its like you feel like you are gonna throw up but never get around to doing it. Im a freak, i know.

I went to a media event today and they seated me right in front of our company's CEO, a fluke because i had arrived late and that was the only available seat! Of course I thought It was just another run-of-the-mill press conference that my editor didnt want to be bothered with, so I just showed up the way I usually do, in jeans, acceptable top (read:not the usual t-shirt) sans makeup. Apparently, It was a quick wake-up call. Yes, people will still respect you for your talent even if you look like garbage, but then it also helps that you can look the part that is assigned to you. Be it for representation purposes or for your own sense of self-confidence. It has finally sunk in that if I am assuming responsibility for the beauty and fashion pages in our mag, I should at least try to look the part lest someone think I do not fit the part.Shucks, and to think I was smug enough to think that I could get by with the same old me.