I don't get excited thinking of you anymore.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.
Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.
Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.
I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.
I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar
I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.
And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.