In the spirit of getting to know myself better (plus the fact that Virgos are known as incorrigible obsessive-compulsive people, hence the manic urge of making lists for everything and anything), I have decided to list down the the top six things I have discovered about myself within the past year. Hopefully, I can look back at this entry a few months from now and say to myself, "Hmmm, Oh now I see..." See what? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is that I'll figure it out by then. So here goes my five things I've learned about me lately...
1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.
2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.
3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)
4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?
5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.
6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.
The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.
I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.