Wednesday, May 27, 2009

That feeling of Want

It’s another challenging day. What once were just a series of weeks of writing and non-writing has turned into this big crazy scary yet rewarding new set of responsibilities that has me constantly pushing my comfort zone wider. And has given me a better sense of self-worth. But there have been days, when I still feel like a fluke.

Part of my new job is to conceptualize articles and figure out which photos and text to put in. Today, work involved looking at hundreds of photos of couples for a relationship article. Shots upon shots of couples hugging, smiling and posed in a variety of uncompromising situations (or should I say positions?). I know I should not let it get to me. But it kind of still did. I can only view so much intimacy without wanting some for myself. As much as I consider myself more self-reliant and independent than any average woman out there, I can’t help but give in to loneliness sometimes. Even just for a moment or two. And then it sinks in. That dreaded feeling of Want.

Now the only thing worse than wanting something is wanting something that money can’t buy. Now money definitely can’t buy genuine intimacy. See it’s not just about being close to somebody, but being close to somebody whom you can feel also wants to be close to YOU. I can’t even remember the last time I got to hold someone’s fine warm hands (I have a thing for hands, you know). I know many instances where I feel like wanting to hold someone’s hand, but can’t. I can’t bring myself to bridge that gap and just grab what I want. I would never ask for it either (not just because I’m chicken sh*t, but also because I’m not sure it’s wise to step into that place full of landmines of uncertainty), whatever that means.

To be totally honest, inspite of the added stress, I am quite happy with my life right now. I love The Present. But it would definitely be an added bonus to have someone to share this happiness with too.

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