I’m not letting this stupid sprain get the best of me.
It’s the middle of the Friday work day and by this time I am usually secretly rejoicing in my head that the weekend is finally here. But this week has been different. I am not mobile. And every day feels exactly the same.
My foot has swelled up to what I can only describe to be what is the nearest possible version of an elephant’s foot. Add to that, I feel the onset of a cold coming on and I also suspect I am slowly turning into an emotional train wreck. Maybe everything just seems magnified because I can’t walk a few feet without being reminded again and again of my limitations. Maybe it's because I refuse to wear crutches because I'm scared of looking ever-so-muggable in the dark, or maybe it’s because my term at this job is coming to an end and I haven’t really laid out any concrete plans for the future yet. But maybe it’s just because I’m starting to feel lonely again. Oh no, not again. It's all too familiar now... I’m always surrounded by so many people, yet I know they can’t really see me.
I can’t remember feeling this bad since I was last injured. Maybe because drugs have a way of numbing out the pain. But I’m not doing that again. And I want to remember this feeling every time I step on the field to play. It’s the only way I’ll learn.
Part of me is relieved to have an excuse not to train for a while. I need to find other things to define me. I thought I was already happy where I was. But of course, just when I felt settled in, Life pulls the rug from right under me, yet again. I should know better by now.
Part of me feels like hibernating from the world for a bit. But I think no one is going to miss me anyway. So why bother? I can live just like how I’ve always lived and no one would know the difference. Not one bit. So now, all I have is this sprain as a constant reminder that I am alive and have the ability to feel that utter nagging tug of pain each time I take a step.
After this, when all is well and healed, the sad thing is I will have nothing more substantial to whine about. So what happens next? Guess I still have a few more weeks to find out....
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Staying
Yesterday, this 25 year old girl hung herself with a nylon cord in her room. Single, fairly successful and hopelessly in love, her family discovered her body only after a day and a half when the boyfriend dropped by to visit after not hearing from her after an earlier fight. She was a friend of a friend. But her death resonates through the people she knows. It’s always sad when someone’s story comes to an end. I know a lot of people who walk around with constant thoughts of self-destruction and despair, but most of them usually never get around towards doing anything concrete about it. We wallow, but we don’t obsess about Death. Because ultimately, we want to defy it and really just live. So when we find reasons to feel a little bit better, we choose to stay.
I don’t really want to know anymore about what the lover’s quarrel was all about or whether it could’ve been avoided if people around her had taken more notice (why, do suicidal people walk around with a little black thundercloud above their heads?). There’s really no turning back once death has arrived. And the most we can do is to cope and realize that we don’t ever have to feel like we have to end our stay ever-so-abruptly.
There was also this goalkeeper from the varsity team of this big university who had also taken her life a few years back. The news at that time really surprised me because for one, I was a goalkeeper myself and would have thought that playing for a big-time school was like a dream come true, and secondly, because well, isn’t sports supposed to steer you away from things like depression? Apparently not.
This is my very first blog entry about death and I do hope it’s my last. I haven’t wallowed in my usual choice pits of despair in a while and I think I’m starting to get used to always looking at the bright side of things. Spinning them positively. There will always be a choice on how you choose to view things. I can look at these suicides and confirm what a horrible, cruel world we live in or I can tell myself I will try harder to make the world a better place for my family and friends to live in. Because at the end of it all, you can’t really be truly happy if the people around you are suffering, losing hope or sad.
I always get a little bit scared when I have to take a psych evaluation and there’s a box there that you check if you’ve ever contemplated on ending your own life. Of course any idiot who wants to be considered employable knows to never admit any big-ass form of self-doubt like that, but there’s always that part of me that wants to be honest about how I (once) viewed this crazy world. How I used to obsess about wondering if today or tomorrow was going to be my last. It gave me a skewed sense of power to know that I could choose when I could just quit. It was like one big f**k you to those who didn’t care enough to ask why my life just didn’t feel like it was worth continuing. That dark, dark, gloomy place…
But thankfully, the world has been much kinder since then. I’ve started to appreciate the rain as much as the sun and I’m not so bothered by awkward moments anymore. In fact I’ve learned to embrace all of these things as a oddly perfect mix of what life is really all about. I now understand that just like with each new crush can also come a potentially hurtful jerk. That not all the people I meet with choose to stay and be worth keeping anyway. That I will continually make mistakes, forget a lot of things and sometimes write nothing but crap. That my choices will never be perfect (especially in math) and that even in the hardest of days, I endure.
Sometimes barely, but I’m still here.
I don’t really want to know anymore about what the lover’s quarrel was all about or whether it could’ve been avoided if people around her had taken more notice (why, do suicidal people walk around with a little black thundercloud above their heads?). There’s really no turning back once death has arrived. And the most we can do is to cope and realize that we don’t ever have to feel like we have to end our stay ever-so-abruptly.
There was also this goalkeeper from the varsity team of this big university who had also taken her life a few years back. The news at that time really surprised me because for one, I was a goalkeeper myself and would have thought that playing for a big-time school was like a dream come true, and secondly, because well, isn’t sports supposed to steer you away from things like depression? Apparently not.
This is my very first blog entry about death and I do hope it’s my last. I haven’t wallowed in my usual choice pits of despair in a while and I think I’m starting to get used to always looking at the bright side of things. Spinning them positively. There will always be a choice on how you choose to view things. I can look at these suicides and confirm what a horrible, cruel world we live in or I can tell myself I will try harder to make the world a better place for my family and friends to live in. Because at the end of it all, you can’t really be truly happy if the people around you are suffering, losing hope or sad.
I always get a little bit scared when I have to take a psych evaluation and there’s a box there that you check if you’ve ever contemplated on ending your own life. Of course any idiot who wants to be considered employable knows to never admit any big-ass form of self-doubt like that, but there’s always that part of me that wants to be honest about how I (once) viewed this crazy world. How I used to obsess about wondering if today or tomorrow was going to be my last. It gave me a skewed sense of power to know that I could choose when I could just quit. It was like one big f**k you to those who didn’t care enough to ask why my life just didn’t feel like it was worth continuing. That dark, dark, gloomy place…
But thankfully, the world has been much kinder since then. I’ve started to appreciate the rain as much as the sun and I’m not so bothered by awkward moments anymore. In fact I’ve learned to embrace all of these things as a oddly perfect mix of what life is really all about. I now understand that just like with each new crush can also come a potentially hurtful jerk. That not all the people I meet with choose to stay and be worth keeping anyway. That I will continually make mistakes, forget a lot of things and sometimes write nothing but crap. That my choices will never be perfect (especially in math) and that even in the hardest of days, I endure.
Sometimes barely, but I’m still here.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
And then there was you
Just when I thought life would just keep giving me lemons, I end up one day with an orange in one hand.
I'm not complaining. There are worst things in life. Last week was all about the rain and how I could never get to the office without getting officially drenched. And to save myself the trouble (and expense) of having to buy a new outfit from top to bottom just so I wouldn't look like a refugee, I would always bring extra clothes to work.
I've long given up on the fact that any makeup I put on at home will make it through the roughly hour and quarter hour commute. And since I consider beautification to be a private (and somewhat embarassing) ritual which I rarely even do, I am not inclined to share my technique (or lack thereof) with the other girly-girls in the women's powder room.
My new blue automatic umbrella is my best friend. Without Tilda (yes, she now has a name) I feel less confident, less ready and therefore less powerful. Not that would ever plan to use tilda as a weapon, but just the idea that I can whack some crazy jerk on the street if he ever planned to do something funny gives me strength. But thank god there has been no instances for that (although I suspect it is largely my cluelessness about the real evils in the world that has kept me feeling safe even when I am walking down some dark lonely streets at a weird hour). So there, me and Tilda have become inseparable. She keeps me safe and I, in turn, keep her dry.
I'm not complaining. There are worst things in life. Last week was all about the rain and how I could never get to the office without getting officially drenched. And to save myself the trouble (and expense) of having to buy a new outfit from top to bottom just so I wouldn't look like a refugee, I would always bring extra clothes to work.
I've long given up on the fact that any makeup I put on at home will make it through the roughly hour and quarter hour commute. And since I consider beautification to be a private (and somewhat embarassing) ritual which I rarely even do, I am not inclined to share my technique (or lack thereof) with the other girly-girls in the women's powder room.
My new blue automatic umbrella is my best friend. Without Tilda (yes, she now has a name) I feel less confident, less ready and therefore less powerful. Not that would ever plan to use tilda as a weapon, but just the idea that I can whack some crazy jerk on the street if he ever planned to do something funny gives me strength. But thank god there has been no instances for that (although I suspect it is largely my cluelessness about the real evils in the world that has kept me feeling safe even when I am walking down some dark lonely streets at a weird hour). So there, me and Tilda have become inseparable. She keeps me safe and I, in turn, keep her dry.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Life is a Buffet
I’m no genius but I think I just might have discovered a way to people figure out.
I’ve realized that the way I approach life is pretty much how I would carry myself when I’m at a buffet. I could be wrong about this, but it kind of feels right.
First off, I just love a good buffet. The variety of choices, the sensory overload and just the thought of all that food gets me excited in ways that most people would find weird. You would think I would indulge and stuff myself silly (I would if I could, actually), but surprisingly, that’s just not the case.
At first I thought it was because I didn’t have a good “battle” plan. I thought maybe I should eat the light stuff first before going for the main dishes (which will backfire if you start with the salads, because all that fiber will make you feel full faster), or maybe that I should try all the desserts first (this tactic won’t make you full, but the sugar crash-and-burn effect later is so not worth it). I keep looking at all these foods and end up stumped because everything becomes overwhelming. I never zero in on anything (except maybe steamed dimsum. You can’t go wrong with dimsum.). But I am excited by all the possibilities.
So what ends up happening? I get a little bit of everything. I try my darnedest to taste test everything unfamiliar. I rationalize that even if I didn’t eat the buffet’s worth in quantity, I did get to taste a week’s menu of this and that. Both my mind and my tummy end up feeling equally full. I got my mental satisfaction, which to me, makes the trip more worth it than anything. It’s a new experience of sorts. To now have the authority to have an opinion on that-which-was-not-tasted-ever-before.
Applied to life, I think I am the same way. I enjoy doing different things, changing it up every so often. But doing and learning are different. I can keep doing things, but not really learn from them (like how to stop mourning over failed friendships that are supposedly not worth it). or I can go through the whole alien process of discovery and add a new talent, skill, knowledge or trivia under my belt. I hate to say it, but it’s always important to learn something new. Even if that something new proves to be worthless info to you.
I used to think I was a creature of habit. That I can wake up, go to work, go home, curl up in my cozy bed with a good read and be thankful for another uneventful day. But I was wrong. It is nice to have someone to reach out to out of the blue to meet up after work. It is fun to get a little bit lost and try a new route going home every once in a while. It is fun to have other options of things to do. Even if you never end up doing them...
If I would be asked if I liked meeting new people, I think I would hesitate before eventually answering yes. Because yes sounds like the right answer. But is it my real answer? I’m not really sure. Because when you meet someone new, that person could be a potential friend or a potential hurt waiting to happen. But I’ve also learned that it always pays to see it through. To not deny cultivating relationships out of fear.
Some people approach a buffet and will make a beeline for their favorite dish and be perfectly happy just eating that. I admire these folks. They know that it doesn’t take much decision-making for them to be happy and they stick to that. They keep their life simple. They won’t feel like they could’ve tried more, eaten more or less than what they had. Simple can be boring, but it can be safe too. And feeling safe is hard to achieve, I think.
Some people will try to eat as much as they can, take in everything, regardless what their tummy says. They are admirable in a sense that they are making the most out of the experience. They are living it up in that short span of time that it takes to enjoy a full meal. But I could never do that. I’d feel like crap afterwards and all it takes is a quick trip back to that memory lane I like to call "Episodes in the Boulevard of Traumatic Overeating"and that’s enough to stop me from making another round. These people, I can imagine, go through life just doing everything and anything, even if it changes them, hardens them or even worse, destroys their inner core. These are those who have definitely been there and done that, But I don’t feel the need to go to that extreme. I will push my limits, but I refuse to stand at its edge.
So there, maybe Life isn't exactly like a buffet. But sometimes it is. You just watch and learn from it (if you can find the time to stop eating).
I’ve realized that the way I approach life is pretty much how I would carry myself when I’m at a buffet. I could be wrong about this, but it kind of feels right.
First off, I just love a good buffet. The variety of choices, the sensory overload and just the thought of all that food gets me excited in ways that most people would find weird. You would think I would indulge and stuff myself silly (I would if I could, actually), but surprisingly, that’s just not the case.
At first I thought it was because I didn’t have a good “battle” plan. I thought maybe I should eat the light stuff first before going for the main dishes (which will backfire if you start with the salads, because all that fiber will make you feel full faster), or maybe that I should try all the desserts first (this tactic won’t make you full, but the sugar crash-and-burn effect later is so not worth it). I keep looking at all these foods and end up stumped because everything becomes overwhelming. I never zero in on anything (except maybe steamed dimsum. You can’t go wrong with dimsum.). But I am excited by all the possibilities.
So what ends up happening? I get a little bit of everything. I try my darnedest to taste test everything unfamiliar. I rationalize that even if I didn’t eat the buffet’s worth in quantity, I did get to taste a week’s menu of this and that. Both my mind and my tummy end up feeling equally full. I got my mental satisfaction, which to me, makes the trip more worth it than anything. It’s a new experience of sorts. To now have the authority to have an opinion on that-which-was-not-tasted-ever-before.
Applied to life, I think I am the same way. I enjoy doing different things, changing it up every so often. But doing and learning are different. I can keep doing things, but not really learn from them (like how to stop mourning over failed friendships that are supposedly not worth it). or I can go through the whole alien process of discovery and add a new talent, skill, knowledge or trivia under my belt. I hate to say it, but it’s always important to learn something new. Even if that something new proves to be worthless info to you.
I used to think I was a creature of habit. That I can wake up, go to work, go home, curl up in my cozy bed with a good read and be thankful for another uneventful day. But I was wrong. It is nice to have someone to reach out to out of the blue to meet up after work. It is fun to get a little bit lost and try a new route going home every once in a while. It is fun to have other options of things to do. Even if you never end up doing them...
If I would be asked if I liked meeting new people, I think I would hesitate before eventually answering yes. Because yes sounds like the right answer. But is it my real answer? I’m not really sure. Because when you meet someone new, that person could be a potential friend or a potential hurt waiting to happen. But I’ve also learned that it always pays to see it through. To not deny cultivating relationships out of fear.
Some people approach a buffet and will make a beeline for their favorite dish and be perfectly happy just eating that. I admire these folks. They know that it doesn’t take much decision-making for them to be happy and they stick to that. They keep their life simple. They won’t feel like they could’ve tried more, eaten more or less than what they had. Simple can be boring, but it can be safe too. And feeling safe is hard to achieve, I think.
Some people will try to eat as much as they can, take in everything, regardless what their tummy says. They are admirable in a sense that they are making the most out of the experience. They are living it up in that short span of time that it takes to enjoy a full meal. But I could never do that. I’d feel like crap afterwards and all it takes is a quick trip back to that memory lane I like to call "Episodes in the Boulevard of Traumatic Overeating"and that’s enough to stop me from making another round. These people, I can imagine, go through life just doing everything and anything, even if it changes them, hardens them or even worse, destroys their inner core. These are those who have definitely been there and done that, But I don’t feel the need to go to that extreme. I will push my limits, but I refuse to stand at its edge.
So there, maybe Life isn't exactly like a buffet. But sometimes it is. You just watch and learn from it (if you can find the time to stop eating).
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Three Little Words
Honestly, I shouldn’t be allowing myself to write anything non-work related today. But I suspect that the reason why I haven’t been able to get any actual work-related writing done is because I needed to get these thoughts out of my head first. So here goes…
First off, sorry but no, this entry isn’t going to be about THAT particularly popular set of three words. And it’s not because I’m in love or not in love. This just isn’t going to be that kind of blog entry (at least not for today).
Everyone knows the power of words. It can either bring your spirits way up or bring you crashing down, depending on three factors: namely, what was said, who was saying it and even how it was delivered. All this happening to you in a span of a few seconds. You find yourself at the mercy of who your talking to. An unwilling recipient sometimes. And there really is no escape.
Do you know what power you yield when you speak to someone? Words can literally feel like it’s cutting you open like a knife, or be light as feather caressing your face. Either way, they affect you afterwards. Sometimes, I admit I just say whatever pops into my head, no prior editing involved. It works for me, this system of no regrets. Because the lessons I’ve learned from it have been important, and most of the time, painful.
So now, I appreciate when people take the time to say something kind and genuine. You don’t want people being kind to you just because they pity you. It doesn’t feel the same. You’d feel better off if they had not said anything at all, if that was the case.
So what three little words am I talking about? It could be about anything and anyone. Some examples come to mind:
“How are you?”
This seems average enough, but it’s not. When people ask you this, if they’re really your friends, they really do expect to really find out what’s up with you. The fact that they even bothered to ask is a nice thing in itself. With millions and millions of people in the planet, why even bother to ask you?
“I miss you”
Self-explanatory, I know. But most of us go around thinking and feeling this exact sentiment, yet never get around to verbalizing it. We just let people be part of our life without getting around to telling them how they can affect us. Either because we’re too shy, too proud, or even because we're sometimes just too busy. But that still doesn’t discount the fact that we still feel it anyway.
“You home safe?”
I guess it translates differently to a person whether this is said through phone or text message. It really does make all the difference that they even bothered to ask. I walk around in a crowd daily and literally feel invisible sometimes. It’s nice to have people around in your lilfe who validate your existence by looking for you (hopefully not because you owe them money or something like that haha).
There, it's out of my head.
Now back to the rat race....
First off, sorry but no, this entry isn’t going to be about THAT particularly popular set of three words. And it’s not because I’m in love or not in love. This just isn’t going to be that kind of blog entry (at least not for today).
Everyone knows the power of words. It can either bring your spirits way up or bring you crashing down, depending on three factors: namely, what was said, who was saying it and even how it was delivered. All this happening to you in a span of a few seconds. You find yourself at the mercy of who your talking to. An unwilling recipient sometimes. And there really is no escape.
Do you know what power you yield when you speak to someone? Words can literally feel like it’s cutting you open like a knife, or be light as feather caressing your face. Either way, they affect you afterwards. Sometimes, I admit I just say whatever pops into my head, no prior editing involved. It works for me, this system of no regrets. Because the lessons I’ve learned from it have been important, and most of the time, painful.
So now, I appreciate when people take the time to say something kind and genuine. You don’t want people being kind to you just because they pity you. It doesn’t feel the same. You’d feel better off if they had not said anything at all, if that was the case.
So what three little words am I talking about? It could be about anything and anyone. Some examples come to mind:
“How are you?”
This seems average enough, but it’s not. When people ask you this, if they’re really your friends, they really do expect to really find out what’s up with you. The fact that they even bothered to ask is a nice thing in itself. With millions and millions of people in the planet, why even bother to ask you?
“I miss you”
Self-explanatory, I know. But most of us go around thinking and feeling this exact sentiment, yet never get around to verbalizing it. We just let people be part of our life without getting around to telling them how they can affect us. Either because we’re too shy, too proud, or even because we're sometimes just too busy. But that still doesn’t discount the fact that we still feel it anyway.
“You home safe?”
I guess it translates differently to a person whether this is said through phone or text message. It really does make all the difference that they even bothered to ask. I walk around in a crowd daily and literally feel invisible sometimes. It’s nice to have people around in your lilfe who validate your existence by looking for you (hopefully not because you owe them money or something like that haha).
There, it's out of my head.
Now back to the rat race....
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Right on the Money
My horoscope for the day:
"You're still worried about work -- but you really don't need to be, especially if it's that issue you know you really should have let go of several days (and maybe even weeks) ago. When you're feeling obsessed, however, there's really no talking to you, and no way to distract you. Remember, though, that getting too involved in anything never works out favorably. Go to a movie, call a friend or take up a new hobby. Just keep your mind busy."
When all else fails, thank god for cosmic advice and my Magic 8 Ball....
"You're still worried about work -- but you really don't need to be, especially if it's that issue you know you really should have let go of several days (and maybe even weeks) ago. When you're feeling obsessed, however, there's really no talking to you, and no way to distract you. Remember, though, that getting too involved in anything never works out favorably. Go to a movie, call a friend or take up a new hobby. Just keep your mind busy."
When all else fails, thank god for cosmic advice and my Magic 8 Ball....
LBU, I love you
LBU, I love you
I can hear the wind howling from outside. And though rainy weather normally gets me down, I have surprisingly been either too distracted with work or with friends to really be affected enough by the dreary weather.Today, in a sea of black umbrellas, I find myself being the only one in white. And no, I didn’t say that for cinematic purposes. I just realized it this morning on my way to the office. Normally, I too would be carrying my beloved automatic LBU, but I left my Little Black Umbrella at work yesterday and had to grab one of the many new ones at home. For some reason, my mom has managed to amass a significant number of umbrellas as corporate giveaways or gifts. But this is not the point.
The point is, noone uses white umbrellas anymore. Why? I personally don’t like it when they get old and rusty. The dirt is too telling. It is hard to maintain. But then again when I look at everybody else’s black umbrella, it makes me think about why they would want something as lovely as an umbrella to be in such a drab color. The weather is gloomy enough. But it seems, as with most Pinoys, the safest choice is always the best way to go.
Because a black umbrella will never ever look too dirty or neglected. It won’t fade or look broken even when it is (unless of course the metallic spider-like thing inside breaks apart). People like that, when things still look normal, even when they’re not. Even when everything is breaking down.
I know I’m starting to veer off in a figurative direction here, but it still holds true. Everyone has their own LBU which keeps them safe (from the elements, muggers and possible staring from other people). My white umbrella keeps me safe too. But it also draws attention. And as much as people like to be safe, they always seem to have this unfailing curiousity for what is different.
Now my theory on that is the same one that I apply when I'm out trying new food for the first time. It doesn’t necessarily have to always be mind-blowingly good for me to try it, it just has to be different from what I’ve tried before. So when I see someone wearing something outrageous, it won’t really register to me as something I should label as fantastic or what-not, it’s just different. Same applies with people. How tragic if everyone was the same. You see, we don’t always have to agree. You are you and I am me. Also, there’s no wrong answer when giving out opinions (unless of course, your just copying from someone else’s).
Uh-oh, I can hear the wind howling again....
Tonight, I finally got to try Nissin Ramen’s new instant noodle flavor, Thai Chicken. Being a fan of Thai food (or more specifically, anything sweet that’s not made of pili nuts or langka haha), I had high expectations. It was just as sour as I expected, but the quality of the noodles were so distractingly "boring" (for lack of a kinder word) that I don’t think I’m eating it ever again. Which makes me crave for SOMS Thai kitchen in Makati again. Ugh. Except for their crappy outdoor plastic stools, I just love eating there.
Next week, I look forward to checking out this place called Heavenly Chocolate (with equally adventurous friends) and I'm morbidly curious about their Penne pasta with bacon and chocolate sauce. Bad timing because of my self-imposed chocolate ban this week. But good timing because it gives me something to look forward to (food is always a welcome motivation.)
Yesterday, a friend talked about being enlightened after finally figuring out that there really was cosmic balance in his life. I wish I could figure out mine. Is it being happy, healthy and in love with love? Is it being employed enough to afford myself the pleasure of getting to eat what I like? Or is it as simple as being positive enough to not wallow in the usually-tempting depths of my self-imposed despair? I choose to be happy lately. Because I can.
Thank God.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So what does a sandwich mean to you?
Unusual heading, I know. But this question has been floating in my head since this weekend. Since someone offered to make me sandwiches for lunch. Now I know it’s no big deal. But it can be, if I make it out to be. Because in this day and age, everybody’s always so busy. It’s so much easier to just get a value meal at the nearest fast food than to make a sandwich from scratch. But that is just so darn boring, not to mention utterly, unromantic (I think romance can exist in actions, not just between two people!).
If you think about it, much goes into preparing a nice, well thought out sandwich. First, you’d have to head out to a nice supermarket (I love the ones who are open ‘til odd hours because I get a kick out of seeing who likes to shop when they could be out partying or something like that), you should already have a list of things you need to buy (I learned from my last grocery trip that buying sandwich spread instead of getting mayo and a bottle of relish is so-not-a-good-idea. It doesn’t make your spicy tuna sandwich taste the same. Bleecch.), and having to start getting ready earlier than usual to prepare these things in time to wherever your going.
Now, knowing all these, and still offering to make a sandwich? Pretty cool. If that person only knew how grateful I was to receive that particular sandwich, they’d be pretty uncomfortable with all my gushing right now. Because it’s so much more than just a sandwich, it’s an act of true friendship. Which is what everyone needs to feel, every now and then. Even if it’s just in the form of your favorite peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat.
If you think about it, much goes into preparing a nice, well thought out sandwich. First, you’d have to head out to a nice supermarket (I love the ones who are open ‘til odd hours because I get a kick out of seeing who likes to shop when they could be out partying or something like that), you should already have a list of things you need to buy (I learned from my last grocery trip that buying sandwich spread instead of getting mayo and a bottle of relish is so-not-a-good-idea. It doesn’t make your spicy tuna sandwich taste the same. Bleecch.), and having to start getting ready earlier than usual to prepare these things in time to wherever your going.
Now, knowing all these, and still offering to make a sandwich? Pretty cool. If that person only knew how grateful I was to receive that particular sandwich, they’d be pretty uncomfortable with all my gushing right now. Because it’s so much more than just a sandwich, it’s an act of true friendship. Which is what everyone needs to feel, every now and then. Even if it’s just in the form of your favorite peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat.
That feeling of Want
It’s another challenging day. What once were just a series of weeks of writing and non-writing has turned into this big crazy scary yet rewarding new set of responsibilities that has me constantly pushing my comfort zone wider. And has given me a better sense of self-worth. But there have been days, when I still feel like a fluke.
Part of my new job is to conceptualize articles and figure out which photos and text to put in. Today, work involved looking at hundreds of photos of couples for a relationship article. Shots upon shots of couples hugging, smiling and posed in a variety of uncompromising situations (or should I say positions?). I know I should not let it get to me. But it kind of still did. I can only view so much intimacy without wanting some for myself. As much as I consider myself more self-reliant and independent than any average woman out there, I can’t help but give in to loneliness sometimes. Even just for a moment or two. And then it sinks in. That dreaded feeling of Want.
Now the only thing worse than wanting something is wanting something that money can’t buy. Now money definitely can’t buy genuine intimacy. See it’s not just about being close to somebody, but being close to somebody whom you can feel also wants to be close to YOU. I can’t even remember the last time I got to hold someone’s fine warm hands (I have a thing for hands, you know). I know many instances where I feel like wanting to hold someone’s hand, but can’t. I can’t bring myself to bridge that gap and just grab what I want. I would never ask for it either (not just because I’m chicken sh*t, but also because I’m not sure it’s wise to step into that place full of landmines of uncertainty), whatever that means.
To be totally honest, inspite of the added stress, I am quite happy with my life right now. I love The Present. But it would definitely be an added bonus to have someone to share this happiness with too.
Part of my new job is to conceptualize articles and figure out which photos and text to put in. Today, work involved looking at hundreds of photos of couples for a relationship article. Shots upon shots of couples hugging, smiling and posed in a variety of uncompromising situations (or should I say positions?). I know I should not let it get to me. But it kind of still did. I can only view so much intimacy without wanting some for myself. As much as I consider myself more self-reliant and independent than any average woman out there, I can’t help but give in to loneliness sometimes. Even just for a moment or two. And then it sinks in. That dreaded feeling of Want.
Now the only thing worse than wanting something is wanting something that money can’t buy. Now money definitely can’t buy genuine intimacy. See it’s not just about being close to somebody, but being close to somebody whom you can feel also wants to be close to YOU. I can’t even remember the last time I got to hold someone’s fine warm hands (I have a thing for hands, you know). I know many instances where I feel like wanting to hold someone’s hand, but can’t. I can’t bring myself to bridge that gap and just grab what I want. I would never ask for it either (not just because I’m chicken sh*t, but also because I’m not sure it’s wise to step into that place full of landmines of uncertainty), whatever that means.
To be totally honest, inspite of the added stress, I am quite happy with my life right now. I love The Present. But it would definitely be an added bonus to have someone to share this happiness with too.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Never
I’m never letting you know….
That there are things I thought I’d never ever compromise… just to be with you. Just when people start thinking me too intelligent for things like I this, I go and disappoint them just like that…. for a chance at some time with you. Even though it seems illogical and impossible, I can’t bring myself to say no. Even though every single cell in my body is telling me that this isn’t looking good, I still choose to stay. Why? What for? Even if we play by the rule of probablilities, the chances are moot. Because you are you and I am me, we will never be. Because I’m square like that and you are like a haze. You drift in and out of my life and I still try to catch a hold of you every single time. I feel boxed in by my limitations, but you tried to set me free, or rather, you’d tried and let me feel how it feels to be free. But freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Because you can also mess yourself up too much if you keep doing what you do. And what’s worse then getting royally screwed by someone else is when you’re doing it to yourself. So maybe I’d better leave you alone. Even my horoscopes have been warning me. You are none of my business. And I don’t want to get too dirty. I’m self-destructive enough as it is. And you say you don’t want my help. You have enough angels guarding you. Or maybe it’s just me you don’t want help from. I’m never letting you know… that I liked you enough to stay.
That there are things I thought I’d never ever compromise… just to be with you. Just when people start thinking me too intelligent for things like I this, I go and disappoint them just like that…. for a chance at some time with you. Even though it seems illogical and impossible, I can’t bring myself to say no. Even though every single cell in my body is telling me that this isn’t looking good, I still choose to stay. Why? What for? Even if we play by the rule of probablilities, the chances are moot. Because you are you and I am me, we will never be. Because I’m square like that and you are like a haze. You drift in and out of my life and I still try to catch a hold of you every single time. I feel boxed in by my limitations, but you tried to set me free, or rather, you’d tried and let me feel how it feels to be free. But freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Because you can also mess yourself up too much if you keep doing what you do. And what’s worse then getting royally screwed by someone else is when you’re doing it to yourself. So maybe I’d better leave you alone. Even my horoscopes have been warning me. You are none of my business. And I don’t want to get too dirty. I’m self-destructive enough as it is. And you say you don’t want my help. You have enough angels guarding you. Or maybe it’s just me you don’t want help from. I’m never letting you know… that I liked you enough to stay.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Not yet please....
And to think I thought 88 was my lucky number.
My grandma turned 88 last December and it just never dawned on me how old she had gotten 'til my aunt pointed out to me that we should take my grandma out more often because the time will come sooner or later when we won't be able to go malling anymore with her. Call me naive, but I thought I'd be taking hmy grandma out on on movie dates forever. Our little dates that have become few and far in between (much to my regret and everbusy schedule).
My aunt had arrived from the states last week of November for a long vacation and she's been focused on making sure my grandma eats more and talks more. My grandma, who loves to go window shopping, gets to go out more frequently now. But last weekend she started feeling ill. Until then, I never noticed how bony and shrunken she had become. My grandma, who takes forever to get ready to go out because she loves to put on makeup and look real pretty and fashionable all the time (She always tells me I dress too conservatively for my age!). The same grandma who outlasts me when it comes to walking around the mall because my feet give up after an hour or two. This is the same grandma who has always beaten me in Scrabble even with her eyes closed.
It all started Sunday when we had my nephew's baptism in the afternoon and so we had to bring her back to my uncle's house. She was so weak that for the first time, I had to carry her from the car to her room. It felt weird considering one of my earliest memories of childhood was when my mom left me with her during the day and I played with our dachsund Dingdong while she did her gardening. Now, I was the one carrying her like she was the child. And she was so scared too. So fragile. I told her to put her arms around my neck, but she refused and was kicking her legs in the air all the way into the house because she thought we were going to drop her. My grandma is half-blind with glaucoma and I can guess just how scary things may look to her when her visibility is bad and she's feeling sick.
But today, I just found out she's been admitted to the ICU with a blood clot in her brain the size of something scary. How scary? That, I am not sure yet. But the doctor says that when it comes to blood clots, even a hairline size one would be cause for worry, what more if it was bigger?
To be honest, I have never ever experienced coming close to losing anyone in my immediate family, so this is all new to me. Hopefully, she will get better in the days to come because I hope for nothing more than that. I am not scared of the inevitable, but it is a sad, sad thing nonetheless. I hope it isn't her time yet. I hate surprises. And Death, though I am not afraid of it, is a foreign concept to me until now.
I think this is also the same reason why I never attend wakes. Not to disrespect the dead, but because I just dont know how I should conduct myself in those places. I'd be feeling as out of place as ever. So I'd rather pray for them from afar.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Disappointed
Gosh, it sucks to go straight to emo mode.
Especially, when I can't help it. Disappointment seeps in and I can't seem to shake it off.
I've lived with it all my life. But somehow, I just cant seem to get used to that sad sinking feeling of being caught unaware yet again.
That's why I think I'm so overly-OC about things. I like knowing that there won't be any twists at the end. Surprises are excruciating torture for me. If theres a tragic ending to something, I'm better off anticipating it than being blissfully unaware. This has made me into the control freak that I am today. Which is, on one hand, a good trait for a leader, but on the other hand, also makes me out to be one of the biggest cowards out there.
Disappontment comes in many forms. When you don't get what you want and when you get something you don't want. Mine is usually the former, and I think not getting anything is infinitely worse than settling for something else.
I am sad, but not pissed. Why? because if there's anything or anyone to get mad at, it should be me. Because I try so hard to stay away from these kinds of situations, but I still end up in them anyway. Because I hope for a different ending each time. And so far, nothing has changed.
I still end up alone.
Especially, when I can't help it. Disappointment seeps in and I can't seem to shake it off.
I've lived with it all my life. But somehow, I just cant seem to get used to that sad sinking feeling of being caught unaware yet again.
That's why I think I'm so overly-OC about things. I like knowing that there won't be any twists at the end. Surprises are excruciating torture for me. If theres a tragic ending to something, I'm better off anticipating it than being blissfully unaware. This has made me into the control freak that I am today. Which is, on one hand, a good trait for a leader, but on the other hand, also makes me out to be one of the biggest cowards out there.
Disappontment comes in many forms. When you don't get what you want and when you get something you don't want. Mine is usually the former, and I think not getting anything is infinitely worse than settling for something else.
I am sad, but not pissed. Why? because if there's anything or anyone to get mad at, it should be me. Because I try so hard to stay away from these kinds of situations, but I still end up in them anyway. Because I hope for a different ending each time. And so far, nothing has changed.
I still end up alone.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Friday Funk
Someone's been influencing me to start a blog about food, movies or books so I can make money off of it. My friends have had the recent misfortune of having to hear me rant day in and day out about how I am going to be dirt broke this year. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
Literature, film and food are a big part in my life anyway.
This weekend promises to be tiring, which weirdly enough, is just the way I like it. I don't mean tiring as in work-tired, which my eyes twitch and makes me sleepy enough to miss my stop going home (which has happened several times). It's going to be tiring because this weekend is the last training days before the leagues start next week. One sport on Saturday and another one on Sunday. I have no idea what got into me for signing up for a season that's obviously going to be filled with body aches and other mishaps. I keep thinking the idle mind is the Devil's playground. And when I'm feeling idle, all logic seems to get thrown out the window.
At least my muscles aren't aching anymore from last weekend's boot camp. I hate to admit it, but I really am a glutton for punishment. But there's pleasure in that kind of pain. Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with, no matter the number of stitches, bruises and broken bones, they will eventually heal in time (except for the ones which are arthritic and will haunt me until my twilight years, my orthopedic doctor says). Emotional scars are ones I'd like to avoid, if that was all possible. Because I know of some people who never let them heal. They walk around all normal on the outside, but badly battered within. They carry these hurts as lifelong burdens that permanently shape them into damaged individuals. I promised myself I would never succumb to that. No matter how damaged or confused I feel, I always have a choice to be better again. And no matter how awful I feel, there will always be a film, a book, or music out there that has the power to make me feel better. Hence, my uncontrollable urge to keep purchasing these things. Notice I don't mention people in that equation. Because unlike everything else (maybe except pets and plants), people have the power to leave.
Literature, film and food are a big part in my life anyway.
This weekend promises to be tiring, which weirdly enough, is just the way I like it. I don't mean tiring as in work-tired, which my eyes twitch and makes me sleepy enough to miss my stop going home (which has happened several times). It's going to be tiring because this weekend is the last training days before the leagues start next week. One sport on Saturday and another one on Sunday. I have no idea what got into me for signing up for a season that's obviously going to be filled with body aches and other mishaps. I keep thinking the idle mind is the Devil's playground. And when I'm feeling idle, all logic seems to get thrown out the window.
At least my muscles aren't aching anymore from last weekend's boot camp. I hate to admit it, but I really am a glutton for punishment. But there's pleasure in that kind of pain. Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with, no matter the number of stitches, bruises and broken bones, they will eventually heal in time (except for the ones which are arthritic and will haunt me until my twilight years, my orthopedic doctor says). Emotional scars are ones I'd like to avoid, if that was all possible. Because I know of some people who never let them heal. They walk around all normal on the outside, but badly battered within. They carry these hurts as lifelong burdens that permanently shape them into damaged individuals. I promised myself I would never succumb to that. No matter how damaged or confused I feel, I always have a choice to be better again. And no matter how awful I feel, there will always be a film, a book, or music out there that has the power to make me feel better. Hence, my uncontrollable urge to keep purchasing these things. Notice I don't mention people in that equation. Because unlike everything else (maybe except pets and plants), people have the power to leave.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tell me who your friends are
I don't get excited thinking of you anymore.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.
Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.
Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.
I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.
I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar
I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.
And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.
Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.
Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.
I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.
I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar
I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.
And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Hello Narcissus, is that you?
In the spirit of getting to know myself better (plus the fact that Virgos are known as incorrigible obsessive-compulsive people, hence the manic urge of making lists for everything and anything), I have decided to list down the the top six things I have discovered about myself within the past year. Hopefully, I can look back at this entry a few months from now and say to myself, "Hmmm, Oh now I see..." See what? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is that I'll figure it out by then. So here goes my five things I've learned about me lately...
1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.
2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.
3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)
4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?
5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.
6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.
The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.
I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.
1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.
2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.
3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)
4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?
5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.
6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.
The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.
I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Me
This wasn't originally my first imagined entry for 2009.
I already had about three long paragraphs typed up when my cousin's computer decided my writing was lame and closed all its programs without waiting for me to save it first. I guess I must agree. There is something unsatisfying when you don't write. I mean, it's still writing, but it's not the writing I want to do. It's not exactly that creative when your just chronicling what happened during the day.
The day I had been waiting for has finally come. And it came in with a very big bang. Actually, my last few days for 2008 was pretty nice too. Finished enough work on the 30th to keep my time free til the weekend. Then some of my friends all agreed to meet up and catch the last full show later that night followed by a nice midnight snack without alcohol. Didn't even realize how fast time went until I got home. Forgot my house keys (which always happens when I get brain-drained and too excited to go out), which meant I would make one sleepy household member very cranky. I felt guilty about that but it was worth it. Nothing beats getting the chance to spend time with good people. And sadly, that is something I don't get to do very often.
The 31st had me awake before lunch. Even though it was raining a bit, the guys wanted to meet up again early afternoon to practice some throws before getting caught up in the new year's eve preparations. Another unexpected treat was I got to see someone I don't usually see. I don't really know or talk to this person as well as the others but for some reason, things are always a little bit nicer when they're there. I bet some people don't realize how much of a blessing their presence is. How happy they can make others just by being themselves, no other effort involved. I think it's so cool how people have the power to help inspire and uplift another person. They become a blessing of sorts. Well anyway, that person did show up and we did get to chat a bit for a change. Not that anything is different. But it was just nice, doing that under the rain. I know I've always kept a distance from the people I like because it's better that way for me. There's simply something poetic (and safe) about admiring from afar.
Anyway, due to prior plans, I had to leave the group earlier. Me and my cousins had planned to do last-minute fireworks shopping (which is the best kind of shopping when it comes to fireworks as the prices start dropping the later it gets into the night). We went to what was usually a wet market that had been transformed into a fireworks center. Even the neighborhood police were double-parked on the street trying to buy stuff. We had already been set on getting sparklers, roman candles and those cute Pop-pops (little harmless balls of energy that make a popping sound when you throw it on the floor or step on it. A more modernized form of watusi). It was a crazy scene as vendors and buyers were trying to break each other down with the haggling. But as I eventually found out (more on this later), sometimes it's not always for the best to get a good discount on something as volatile as fireworks.
As always, dinner was a simple but cozy affair. Since we we're all still feeling majorly stuffed since Christmas, we usually just cook a big pot of yummy chicken congee to tide us over for the night. For perennially-hungry tummies like mine, there is always a fridge full of holiday leftovers to choose from. This was more than enough to satisfy our midnight and after-midnight snack cravings. The major fireworks action started happening a quarter to midnight so everyone went up to the top floor to welcome 2009. I bet noone in the entire Philippines was planning to sleep any earlier than 1am that night. You simply don't do that. Everyone wants to be awake when the new year comes in. And it's not as if you can sleep any earlier with all the noise around you anyway. December 31st has got to be the longest day ever for everyone because it extends past its 24 hour schedule. It can also be one of the most tiring and exciting days to prepare for too. Then January 1 becomes sort of just half of a day because everyone wakes up around lunch time and is too groggy to to do anything else worth remembering.
The Pop-pops we're a real hit, with even my 88-year-old grandmother having a blast throwing those little things around. My very adventurous aunt even wanted to experiment and see if it would still pop if we throw it at each other (this brilliant idea was immediately nixed when my guy cousin realized the experimentation would all be directed at him.) The sparklers made for nice pictures and provided cool ambiant light for the photos, but they were basically just, uh, sparkly. The roman candles proved to be a revelations as they were anything but what we expected. We bought two bunches of a dozen sticks each. The first few ones had the usual effect of colorful balls of spark flying out of them (thank god, because anything more and the older folks might've had a heart attack ). But I lit one and it exploded. I automatically let go but still felt the impact. I pretended it was nothing (while at the same time secretly checking if all my toes and fingers we're still intact through the smoke) but even my uncle heard it from the second floor and went up to ask if everyone was alright. This was noticeable because noone ever buys things that go *BANG* in that house. I picked up that defective roman candle (which I suspect wasn't defective at all. Maybe the maker decided to add one crazy stick in the bunch to enlighten our supposedly lame celebration. Kind of like when they add a bonus track to your favorite CD. Although in this case, you use it at the risk of one of your little piggies).
Turns out there was more than one surprise in that bunch, which was why nobody except me and my other crazy cousin wanted to start lighting the other bunch. With just the two of us left, we weighed the consequences of whether ending up in the ER (they live a block away from a good hospital anyway :P) as compared to the high potential for crazy but dangerous fun. We ended up deciding that we couldn't let it go to waste (haha, there was no contest from me actually. I just needed a devil's advocate to tell me to keep on lighting away). We vowed to keep happy despite the obvious risks (bad, baaaad, i know). At first, we just lit the sticks we put on the ledge, but it kept moving in crazy directions, so then we decided to plant it in the pots. This was better as some of them still exploded and for this, we decided to hide behind one of the plastic chairs as a precaution (which was still stupid since it could fly right into us anyway). There was this one outstanding piece which literally blew up even all the way into the handle. It makes me shudder thinking what could've happened if someone was actually holding it. No more discounted fireworks for us next year. But I'm adding a Crying Cow (a noisy but harmless treat), more Pop-pops and baby rockets to the list next December though.
So there. Happy new year and goodbye to the same old me.
Things have to change. And things will change anyway, whether I like it or not. But there are also so many good things around me right now that it's hard not to notice how thankful I really should be. And if last night's wake-up call was any indication, the first thing I should be happy about is that I get to keep all my toes and fingers again this year.
I already had about three long paragraphs typed up when my cousin's computer decided my writing was lame and closed all its programs without waiting for me to save it first. I guess I must agree. There is something unsatisfying when you don't write. I mean, it's still writing, but it's not the writing I want to do. It's not exactly that creative when your just chronicling what happened during the day.
The day I had been waiting for has finally come. And it came in with a very big bang. Actually, my last few days for 2008 was pretty nice too. Finished enough work on the 30th to keep my time free til the weekend. Then some of my friends all agreed to meet up and catch the last full show later that night followed by a nice midnight snack without alcohol. Didn't even realize how fast time went until I got home. Forgot my house keys (which always happens when I get brain-drained and too excited to go out), which meant I would make one sleepy household member very cranky. I felt guilty about that but it was worth it. Nothing beats getting the chance to spend time with good people. And sadly, that is something I don't get to do very often.
The 31st had me awake before lunch. Even though it was raining a bit, the guys wanted to meet up again early afternoon to practice some throws before getting caught up in the new year's eve preparations. Another unexpected treat was I got to see someone I don't usually see. I don't really know or talk to this person as well as the others but for some reason, things are always a little bit nicer when they're there. I bet some people don't realize how much of a blessing their presence is. How happy they can make others just by being themselves, no other effort involved. I think it's so cool how people have the power to help inspire and uplift another person. They become a blessing of sorts. Well anyway, that person did show up and we did get to chat a bit for a change. Not that anything is different. But it was just nice, doing that under the rain. I know I've always kept a distance from the people I like because it's better that way for me. There's simply something poetic (and safe) about admiring from afar.
Anyway, due to prior plans, I had to leave the group earlier. Me and my cousins had planned to do last-minute fireworks shopping (which is the best kind of shopping when it comes to fireworks as the prices start dropping the later it gets into the night). We went to what was usually a wet market that had been transformed into a fireworks center. Even the neighborhood police were double-parked on the street trying to buy stuff. We had already been set on getting sparklers, roman candles and those cute Pop-pops (little harmless balls of energy that make a popping sound when you throw it on the floor or step on it. A more modernized form of watusi). It was a crazy scene as vendors and buyers were trying to break each other down with the haggling. But as I eventually found out (more on this later), sometimes it's not always for the best to get a good discount on something as volatile as fireworks.
As always, dinner was a simple but cozy affair. Since we we're all still feeling majorly stuffed since Christmas, we usually just cook a big pot of yummy chicken congee to tide us over for the night. For perennially-hungry tummies like mine, there is always a fridge full of holiday leftovers to choose from. This was more than enough to satisfy our midnight and after-midnight snack cravings. The major fireworks action started happening a quarter to midnight so everyone went up to the top floor to welcome 2009. I bet noone in the entire Philippines was planning to sleep any earlier than 1am that night. You simply don't do that. Everyone wants to be awake when the new year comes in. And it's not as if you can sleep any earlier with all the noise around you anyway. December 31st has got to be the longest day ever for everyone because it extends past its 24 hour schedule. It can also be one of the most tiring and exciting days to prepare for too. Then January 1 becomes sort of just half of a day because everyone wakes up around lunch time and is too groggy to to do anything else worth remembering.
The Pop-pops we're a real hit, with even my 88-year-old grandmother having a blast throwing those little things around. My very adventurous aunt even wanted to experiment and see if it would still pop if we throw it at each other (this brilliant idea was immediately nixed when my guy cousin realized the experimentation would all be directed at him.) The sparklers made for nice pictures and provided cool ambiant light for the photos, but they were basically just, uh, sparkly. The roman candles proved to be a revelations as they were anything but what we expected. We bought two bunches of a dozen sticks each. The first few ones had the usual effect of colorful balls of spark flying out of them (thank god, because anything more and the older folks might've had a heart attack ). But I lit one and it exploded. I automatically let go but still felt the impact. I pretended it was nothing (while at the same time secretly checking if all my toes and fingers we're still intact through the smoke) but even my uncle heard it from the second floor and went up to ask if everyone was alright. This was noticeable because noone ever buys things that go *BANG* in that house. I picked up that defective roman candle (which I suspect wasn't defective at all. Maybe the maker decided to add one crazy stick in the bunch to enlighten our supposedly lame celebration. Kind of like when they add a bonus track to your favorite CD. Although in this case, you use it at the risk of one of your little piggies).
Turns out there was more than one surprise in that bunch, which was why nobody except me and my other crazy cousin wanted to start lighting the other bunch. With just the two of us left, we weighed the consequences of whether ending up in the ER (they live a block away from a good hospital anyway :P) as compared to the high potential for crazy but dangerous fun. We ended up deciding that we couldn't let it go to waste (haha, there was no contest from me actually. I just needed a devil's advocate to tell me to keep on lighting away). We vowed to keep happy despite the obvious risks (bad, baaaad, i know). At first, we just lit the sticks we put on the ledge, but it kept moving in crazy directions, so then we decided to plant it in the pots. This was better as some of them still exploded and for this, we decided to hide behind one of the plastic chairs as a precaution (which was still stupid since it could fly right into us anyway). There was this one outstanding piece which literally blew up even all the way into the handle. It makes me shudder thinking what could've happened if someone was actually holding it. No more discounted fireworks for us next year. But I'm adding a Crying Cow (a noisy but harmless treat), more Pop-pops and baby rockets to the list next December though.
So there. Happy new year and goodbye to the same old me.
Things have to change. And things will change anyway, whether I like it or not. But there are also so many good things around me right now that it's hard not to notice how thankful I really should be. And if last night's wake-up call was any indication, the first thing I should be happy about is that I get to keep all my toes and fingers again this year.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Holiday Hodgepodge
With Buddy Holly blaring in the background, the rhythmic clinking of forks and spoons over a good dinner with the family and my very satisfied tummy sending happy signals to my brain, everything just seems alright in the world.
At this very moment, I do not have a care with whatever's going on outside, as evidenced by:
1. I don't even know where my mobile phone is or feel the overwhelming urge to text anyone back (even the cute ones). This is quite a feat since I consider my phone an added appendage which I can attach and re-attach at will.
2. I can't tell what day it is. Whether it's Thursday or Saturday, doesn't feel important. My mental calendar is all messed up. Except for my weekly deadlines, time is immaterial right now anyway. It doesn't even matter what time it is. I sleep late, wake up late and will probably end up looking more like a zombie after this holiday break is over.
3. The gym seems like a foreign faraway land I plan to visit, but not this year. Anyway, I know I should be resting more so this dangblasted cold and cough will go away but I just cant seem to bring myself to bed at a decent hour. Hence, all the more time for my much-neglected blog.
4. I can't believe I got lured into doing some holiday shopping today. Blame it on the sports hiatus til new year. December in the Philippines is probably the only time when the congestion in the malls is worse than it is in the street traffic. I'm the kind of person who tries to finish my gift list by October at the latest, but somehow today I ended up going to a jampacked mall and surprisingly, I actually got to buy things I've been eyeing while I was too busy buying gifts for other people. What's worse was just when I was about to convince myself that that was the last purchase for the day, I end up seeing one more thing I absolutely have to get, regardless if it had a xmas discount or not! Well there goes the rest of my paycheck....
5. If I were to be asked to leave the house right now, I would not even bother changing my pink flannel pajama bottoms and wife-beater top (but I'd change into new underwear, of course). There isn't even any food stains on it. Not yet, at least. On the same vein, me and my cousins went on a midnight snack run a few days ago and I dared my whacko cousin (bad idea) to go out without changing (in this case, she was currently wearing jeans, a shirt, Hawaiian housedress, a plastic lei and to top it all off, her spanking new blue ukelele that she just recieved for Christmas. The plan was just to go to Starbucks, but after driving around for a while, it finally dawned on us that no coffee shop franchise (sosi or not) was going to remain open for Christmas eve. So after looking at all the closed Starbucks, Coffee Beans, Gloria Jeans, Figaros, and even the usual dependable 24-hour Mickey Dees, we ended up agreeing that the newly-opened David's Tea House near the house was the only viable option for the night (either that, or we make our own snacks at home.). So we got there a little before midnight and since I refused to be seen walking into that place with "Inday," me and my other cousin watched them enter first. But before they could, two young-looking well-dressed guys (who I assume were the owners) stopped them. Me and my other cousin couldn't stop laughing our guts out! We had assumed Inday got stopped because she honestly looked like she just escaped from the looney bin. (I don't think she even bothered combing her hair, mana sa akin haha.)
But as it turns out, we were mistaken. It was almost closing time, so we eventually got to go in on the condition that we were the last order for the day. We even got a 20% discount since it was their first day. Sweet! It felt like a second Noche Buena that day what with all the noodles, congee, dumplings, chicken and that delicious salt & pepper fried tofu (which I will definitely go back for!). Too bad we forgot to bring a camera.
6. I've been catching up on all the kimchi flicks that I seem to get cathartic pleasure from. I got to finish Korea's Le Grand Chef and Taiwan's About Love. I'm currently halfway with another Seoul movie, Crazy Waiting. And just for good measure, I think I'll watch Love Phobia and Fly Me to Polaris one more time too!
Weekend Plans:
I'm still iffy about the 8am calltime to practice throwing discs at the nearby university tomorrow. Unless I sleep within the hour, I doubt I'll feel awake enough to go. I think I need more impetus to show up. Which makes me wonder, would it make any difference if I knew a certain someone was going to be there too?
Sunday is an outreach day. I miss the outreach events my old choir used to organize. Small-scale but just as meaniingful nonetheless. And I wasn't able to participate in one last year, so I gotta do double time this year. We're heading to a center for sexually abused women somewhere in the South. Thank you God for letting me meet new wonderful people that give opportunities to do things like these with.
At this very moment, I do not have a care with whatever's going on outside, as evidenced by:
1. I don't even know where my mobile phone is or feel the overwhelming urge to text anyone back (even the cute ones). This is quite a feat since I consider my phone an added appendage which I can attach and re-attach at will.
2. I can't tell what day it is. Whether it's Thursday or Saturday, doesn't feel important. My mental calendar is all messed up. Except for my weekly deadlines, time is immaterial right now anyway. It doesn't even matter what time it is. I sleep late, wake up late and will probably end up looking more like a zombie after this holiday break is over.
3. The gym seems like a foreign faraway land I plan to visit, but not this year. Anyway, I know I should be resting more so this dangblasted cold and cough will go away but I just cant seem to bring myself to bed at a decent hour. Hence, all the more time for my much-neglected blog.
4. I can't believe I got lured into doing some holiday shopping today. Blame it on the sports hiatus til new year. December in the Philippines is probably the only time when the congestion in the malls is worse than it is in the street traffic. I'm the kind of person who tries to finish my gift list by October at the latest, but somehow today I ended up going to a jampacked mall and surprisingly, I actually got to buy things I've been eyeing while I was too busy buying gifts for other people. What's worse was just when I was about to convince myself that that was the last purchase for the day, I end up seeing one more thing I absolutely have to get, regardless if it had a xmas discount or not! Well there goes the rest of my paycheck....
5. If I were to be asked to leave the house right now, I would not even bother changing my pink flannel pajama bottoms and wife-beater top (but I'd change into new underwear, of course). There isn't even any food stains on it. Not yet, at least. On the same vein, me and my cousins went on a midnight snack run a few days ago and I dared my whacko cousin (bad idea) to go out without changing (in this case, she was currently wearing jeans, a shirt, Hawaiian housedress, a plastic lei and to top it all off, her spanking new blue ukelele that she just recieved for Christmas. The plan was just to go to Starbucks, but after driving around for a while, it finally dawned on us that no coffee shop franchise (sosi or not) was going to remain open for Christmas eve. So after looking at all the closed Starbucks, Coffee Beans, Gloria Jeans, Figaros, and even the usual dependable 24-hour Mickey Dees, we ended up agreeing that the newly-opened David's Tea House near the house was the only viable option for the night (either that, or we make our own snacks at home.). So we got there a little before midnight and since I refused to be seen walking into that place with "Inday," me and my other cousin watched them enter first. But before they could, two young-looking well-dressed guys (who I assume were the owners) stopped them. Me and my other cousin couldn't stop laughing our guts out! We had assumed Inday got stopped because she honestly looked like she just escaped from the looney bin. (I don't think she even bothered combing her hair, mana sa akin haha.)
But as it turns out, we were mistaken. It was almost closing time, so we eventually got to go in on the condition that we were the last order for the day. We even got a 20% discount since it was their first day. Sweet! It felt like a second Noche Buena that day what with all the noodles, congee, dumplings, chicken and that delicious salt & pepper fried tofu (which I will definitely go back for!). Too bad we forgot to bring a camera.
6. I've been catching up on all the kimchi flicks that I seem to get cathartic pleasure from. I got to finish Korea's Le Grand Chef and Taiwan's About Love. I'm currently halfway with another Seoul movie, Crazy Waiting. And just for good measure, I think I'll watch Love Phobia and Fly Me to Polaris one more time too!
Weekend Plans:
I'm still iffy about the 8am calltime to practice throwing discs at the nearby university tomorrow. Unless I sleep within the hour, I doubt I'll feel awake enough to go. I think I need more impetus to show up. Which makes me wonder, would it make any difference if I knew a certain someone was going to be there too?
Sunday is an outreach day. I miss the outreach events my old choir used to organize. Small-scale but just as meaniingful nonetheless. And I wasn't able to participate in one last year, so I gotta do double time this year. We're heading to a center for sexually abused women somewhere in the South. Thank you God for letting me meet new wonderful people that give opportunities to do things like these with.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas stalkings
"Finally, after all the presents have been opened, the noche buena has been eaten, and the guests have gone...."
Awwwwww fuck it.
Fudge, I was thinking of starting off this entry with an 'ole Father Christmas-like tone, all nostalgic and warm, but I just can't do it right now. I barely got enough sleep (my fault entirely). I've been subsisting on grilled sweet ham sandwiches for over 24 hours (and counting...) and I am now deadset on finishing reading a friend's old blog from end to end. It has entries from over seven years ago which I accidentally discovered online. ("Accidentally" here is a loose term which I choose to mean that I searched and found the link to it deliberately. Call me psycho, I know). No big reason for the research, just plain old curiousity, I guess. That, and the fact that it's really interesting how significant the changes one can undergo give or take a few years. This person's quirks are very interesting. Not out-of-this-world, but enough for me to bother reading about up til the wee hours of Christmas morn.
It's almost year's end and I am so glad to feel that I have not caused hurt, offended or inflicted pain on anybody else other than myself. Even if it happened indirectly, I feel sad for those who choose to think that way instead of assuming the more positive, kinder choice on what to believe.
It feels good to live this way. Living the way you want without really using, abusing or punishing others.
Now achieving Happiness may be a different kind of pursuit altogether, but being at peace with yourself requires almost no effort if you feel no guilt. The world can be pretty tricky, you can offend it just by being who you are and still, it takes that against you. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. It just means that some people aren't born with the understanding of appreciating your individuality. But I will never be a headless chicken. Maybe I could be the purple cow, but never the chicken. WTF?
This year, I tried not to be so disappointed in people. In previous years I would've tried not to get angry when I realized anger is a useless, expensive emotion that drains not just your body but the mind as well. And then when I went a notch down to just being disappointed at people who have done me wrong, I realized that disappointment was a sad thing to feel for people as well. Disappointment has a way of lingering with you even longer than anger ever will. Sometimes I can get pissed at someone and then totally forget about it within the same day. But disappointment hangs in there, reminding me constantly of how I was so badly let down. So now, I say, if I can help it, let's skip the anger and disappointment and just write off things as just that. Here is my personal mission-statement of sorts that I plan to use when it comes to understanding and accepting the reality of less-considerate individuals.
1. People make mistakes, but sometimes they can't help it and they'd probably take it back if they could. (i hope)
2. People say mean things, but not everybody can be an editor and words are a tricky business. That's why good writers are hard to find.
3. People are fickle creatures. They can change their mind in an instant, whether it be about their jobs, sports, friends and even family. Yes, they can even quit their loved ones, if they really wanted to. That's the freedom they have as a living body with an independent brain and a heart. Who knows, maybe in the long run, the decision was for everybody's benefit after all.
4. People don't realize the effect they have on others, based on what they do or DON'T do. Not everyone is a sensitive genuis. and in the same vein, not everything a person says or does or doesn't do have to be necessarily connected to you. For this, you'll just have to write off the rest of the clueless population as a nice, naive bunch of dense logs, haha. If you want something known, then be upfront. Guessing is kid's play.
5. People can be hard to understand. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to be understand. And other times, it's because they get so messed up inside that they don't know what else to do. I know someone who makes it so hard for his friends to be friends with him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends with us, he just can't help but be crazy frustrating most of the time. Normal people just do that when they have their whacked-out or depressed days.
These are just some of the learnings I wanted to jot down while my brain cells still feel like they're in work mode. This post didn't turn out as bitter or jaded as I first thought it would be. I'm going to try and steer away from that tone now as much as possible because there are a million more glorious happy things to write about out there. And I really shouldn't dwell on the familiar anymore. It stinks in the pit of despair. Hella boring too.
Thank God for good friends, family, constant opportunities, and a unwavering, nagging passion to push on with life everyday.
So I guess life can be good, if I wanted it to be.
Awwwwww fuck it.
Fudge, I was thinking of starting off this entry with an 'ole Father Christmas-like tone, all nostalgic and warm, but I just can't do it right now. I barely got enough sleep (my fault entirely). I've been subsisting on grilled sweet ham sandwiches for over 24 hours (and counting...) and I am now deadset on finishing reading a friend's old blog from end to end. It has entries from over seven years ago which I accidentally discovered online. ("Accidentally" here is a loose term which I choose to mean that I searched and found the link to it deliberately. Call me psycho, I know). No big reason for the research, just plain old curiousity, I guess. That, and the fact that it's really interesting how significant the changes one can undergo give or take a few years. This person's quirks are very interesting. Not out-of-this-world, but enough for me to bother reading about up til the wee hours of Christmas morn.
It's almost year's end and I am so glad to feel that I have not caused hurt, offended or inflicted pain on anybody else other than myself. Even if it happened indirectly, I feel sad for those who choose to think that way instead of assuming the more positive, kinder choice on what to believe.
It feels good to live this way. Living the way you want without really using, abusing or punishing others.
Now achieving Happiness may be a different kind of pursuit altogether, but being at peace with yourself requires almost no effort if you feel no guilt. The world can be pretty tricky, you can offend it just by being who you are and still, it takes that against you. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. It just means that some people aren't born with the understanding of appreciating your individuality. But I will never be a headless chicken. Maybe I could be the purple cow, but never the chicken. WTF?
This year, I tried not to be so disappointed in people. In previous years I would've tried not to get angry when I realized anger is a useless, expensive emotion that drains not just your body but the mind as well. And then when I went a notch down to just being disappointed at people who have done me wrong, I realized that disappointment was a sad thing to feel for people as well. Disappointment has a way of lingering with you even longer than anger ever will. Sometimes I can get pissed at someone and then totally forget about it within the same day. But disappointment hangs in there, reminding me constantly of how I was so badly let down. So now, I say, if I can help it, let's skip the anger and disappointment and just write off things as just that. Here is my personal mission-statement of sorts that I plan to use when it comes to understanding and accepting the reality of less-considerate individuals.
1. People make mistakes, but sometimes they can't help it and they'd probably take it back if they could. (i hope)
2. People say mean things, but not everybody can be an editor and words are a tricky business. That's why good writers are hard to find.
3. People are fickle creatures. They can change their mind in an instant, whether it be about their jobs, sports, friends and even family. Yes, they can even quit their loved ones, if they really wanted to. That's the freedom they have as a living body with an independent brain and a heart. Who knows, maybe in the long run, the decision was for everybody's benefit after all.
4. People don't realize the effect they have on others, based on what they do or DON'T do. Not everyone is a sensitive genuis. and in the same vein, not everything a person says or does or doesn't do have to be necessarily connected to you. For this, you'll just have to write off the rest of the clueless population as a nice, naive bunch of dense logs, haha. If you want something known, then be upfront. Guessing is kid's play.
5. People can be hard to understand. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to be understand. And other times, it's because they get so messed up inside that they don't know what else to do. I know someone who makes it so hard for his friends to be friends with him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends with us, he just can't help but be crazy frustrating most of the time. Normal people just do that when they have their whacked-out or depressed days.
These are just some of the learnings I wanted to jot down while my brain cells still feel like they're in work mode. This post didn't turn out as bitter or jaded as I first thought it would be. I'm going to try and steer away from that tone now as much as possible because there are a million more glorious happy things to write about out there. And I really shouldn't dwell on the familiar anymore. It stinks in the pit of despair. Hella boring too.
Thank God for good friends, family, constant opportunities, and a unwavering, nagging passion to push on with life everyday.
So I guess life can be good, if I wanted it to be.
Merely Christmas
It's 3am Christmas day and I'm still up (but not necessarily about).
Funny that I've gotten so lax on blogging even though I've already been working for a website for over a year now. I could say there's just too many things happening, as usual. But then again, isn't there always some one thing or another happening? It's just a cop out.
Truth is, I really wanted this year to be not just good, but great. Any other year I probably would've been content with a not-so-sucky 12 months, but this year, for some reason, it was just crucial for me that it wouldn't be a bomb. Now I just can't wait for it to be over.
Looking back at my last entry six months ago, I know I was able to accomplish most of what was on my mid-year wishlist. I indulged in a new sport and even got to be part of three finals games because of it. I got to travel and go on a nice little adventure on my time and terms. The only thing I still haven't mastered up to now is reigning in my mind on matters of the heart. Harmless crushes aside, I should stop being affected anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I won't say any more on this because it'll only come out like a sad sorry pile of mush. Which is what it is, actually. I need to work on that part. Especially now.
Quite honestly, there's a lot to be happy about from the past few months. I've lost more weight from all the running than I have from sweating it out in the gym. I've learned to eat healthier with a little help from the chirpy persistent nutritionist at my gym. I've met a wonderful new community of athletes and religious individuals who are just so sincere and welcoming that it makes me feel guilty for not being even half as nice as they are. I envy these kinds of people. Those who can be light and carefree company. Because I know I can never be me who will be described like that. But then again, they're lucky to not have to go through things that will change them growing up. Harder, sadder, more painful things. Things that will break you but eventually strengthen you. I can't complain. I did get smarter after all. I think.
Now christmas this year at the family house was subdued, as always. They had early dinner because their guests apparently had other parties to go to come dinnertime. I opted to demur from the 5pm calltime as I have always hated having this wonderful traditional meal being moved hella earlier at the dictate of someone else's social schedule. I hate to say it, but I always resented it when even the opening of the presents had to be done right after dinner because everyone had to sleep early because they were going out of town the following day to go to the province. Why did I have to feel cheated out of enjoying my Christmas eve because of somebody else's plans? Christmas isn't merry when it feels pressured to be finished early, no sir deifnitely not.
Anyway, I've finally figured out the one New Year's Resolution I want to keep for next year. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. It's one of those stupid things anybody can start doing at any time of the year, but I just think the start of a year is the best time to feel like a clean slate again. No wonder I can't wait to put 2008 behind me.
Funny that I've gotten so lax on blogging even though I've already been working for a website for over a year now. I could say there's just too many things happening, as usual. But then again, isn't there always some one thing or another happening? It's just a cop out.
Truth is, I really wanted this year to be not just good, but great. Any other year I probably would've been content with a not-so-sucky 12 months, but this year, for some reason, it was just crucial for me that it wouldn't be a bomb. Now I just can't wait for it to be over.
Looking back at my last entry six months ago, I know I was able to accomplish most of what was on my mid-year wishlist. I indulged in a new sport and even got to be part of three finals games because of it. I got to travel and go on a nice little adventure on my time and terms. The only thing I still haven't mastered up to now is reigning in my mind on matters of the heart. Harmless crushes aside, I should stop being affected anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I won't say any more on this because it'll only come out like a sad sorry pile of mush. Which is what it is, actually. I need to work on that part. Especially now.
Quite honestly, there's a lot to be happy about from the past few months. I've lost more weight from all the running than I have from sweating it out in the gym. I've learned to eat healthier with a little help from the chirpy persistent nutritionist at my gym. I've met a wonderful new community of athletes and religious individuals who are just so sincere and welcoming that it makes me feel guilty for not being even half as nice as they are. I envy these kinds of people. Those who can be light and carefree company. Because I know I can never be me who will be described like that. But then again, they're lucky to not have to go through things that will change them growing up. Harder, sadder, more painful things. Things that will break you but eventually strengthen you. I can't complain. I did get smarter after all. I think.
Now christmas this year at the family house was subdued, as always. They had early dinner because their guests apparently had other parties to go to come dinnertime. I opted to demur from the 5pm calltime as I have always hated having this wonderful traditional meal being moved hella earlier at the dictate of someone else's social schedule. I hate to say it, but I always resented it when even the opening of the presents had to be done right after dinner because everyone had to sleep early because they were going out of town the following day to go to the province. Why did I have to feel cheated out of enjoying my Christmas eve because of somebody else's plans? Christmas isn't merry when it feels pressured to be finished early, no sir deifnitely not.
Anyway, I've finally figured out the one New Year's Resolution I want to keep for next year. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. It's one of those stupid things anybody can start doing at any time of the year, but I just think the start of a year is the best time to feel like a clean slate again. No wonder I can't wait to put 2008 behind me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Mid-year Resolutions (better late than never....)
I feel good.
In fact, I haven't written anything for myself for the past two months
not because of lack of anything to say,
but rather because there's just so many things going on
that I'd rather attend to.
that I'd rather attend to.
Suddenly, picking my thoughts seems too tedious a process
(this, from a girl who is constantly getting accused of "overanalyzing.")
Definitely, I want this year to be a landmark year for me.
I want to do many things and step far, far away from my comfort zone.
I want to embrace feeling awkward and uncomfortable
and see where it takes me.
I want to see what it feels to be someone else for a change.
Even if that someone else turns out to be the real me.
How is this going to happen?
How is this going to happen?
Well, let's see....
1. I'm going to backpack my way through an asian country with
no schedule, no credit card and no companions.
This, I must admit, is an exciting and scary concept at the same time.
Not that I haven't ever done it before.
I've gotten lost many many times, but for some reason, this is really a big deal for me.
Hopefully, it'll be the fastest way to clear my head.
I also want to shake off this funk I've been dealing with
since early this year.
On the lighter side,
being by myself allows me to plot out my trip exactly the way I want it.
Sometimes, there's a certain kind of comfort in knowing
you can't possible disappoint, irritate or blame someone else for your own mistakes.
2. I'm diving into a new sport that I used to really hate.
Truth is, I really dislike running.
I have always hated the treadmill and avoided it with a vengeance
whenever I hit the gym.
I find the repetitive motions boring, monotonous and just oh-so-blah.
But lately, surprisingly, all I want to do is run.
I found a compromise with the treadmill dilemma
by running at alternating speeds from a light jog to a full sprint
(which makes me look like a maniac with crazy bangs in the gym by the way).
Bottom line is, I have never lost weight as fast as this.
So if thats what its going to take, then running it is, for now.
3. I'm not going to be scared of the future anymore.
So what if things turn even more difficult than they already are?
So what if they do?
Things happen no matter what we say or think or feel,
so I might as well face it with enough positivity to get through it.
No way am I going back to being a stick-in-a-mud anymore.
Takes too much effort to be sad anyway.
Hopefully, everything I do now,
as long as its in good taste,
will have positive effects in the future.
4. I'm going to stop looking for Mr. Right
For me, Mr. Right is a myth.
There is no right or wrong person for anybody.
There are only people willing to love
and stay no matter what kind of person you are or turn out to be.
It can go without saying that I also have to be the kind of person
who is loving too.
But it's a tricky subject and there really is no concrete plan to follow.
Sometimes I mistake familiarity with love.
One of the gazillion ways it can be misread.
But either way, I'm just going to be thankful for them
who took some time in their lives to stay and love me,
even it was just for a while.
Pretty emo, I know.
But then again, that's just me.
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