I’m never letting you know….
That there are things I thought I’d never ever compromise… just to be with you. Just when people start thinking me too intelligent for things like I this, I go and disappoint them just like that…. for a chance at some time with you. Even though it seems illogical and impossible, I can’t bring myself to say no. Even though every single cell in my body is telling me that this isn’t looking good, I still choose to stay. Why? What for? Even if we play by the rule of probablilities, the chances are moot. Because you are you and I am me, we will never be. Because I’m square like that and you are like a haze. You drift in and out of my life and I still try to catch a hold of you every single time. I feel boxed in by my limitations, but you tried to set me free, or rather, you’d tried and let me feel how it feels to be free. But freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Because you can also mess yourself up too much if you keep doing what you do. And what’s worse then getting royally screwed by someone else is when you’re doing it to yourself. So maybe I’d better leave you alone. Even my horoscopes have been warning me. You are none of my business. And I don’t want to get too dirty. I’m self-destructive enough as it is. And you say you don’t want my help. You have enough angels guarding you. Or maybe it’s just me you don’t want help from. I’m never letting you know… that I liked you enough to stay.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Not yet please....
And to think I thought 88 was my lucky number.
My grandma turned 88 last December and it just never dawned on me how old she had gotten 'til my aunt pointed out to me that we should take my grandma out more often because the time will come sooner or later when we won't be able to go malling anymore with her. Call me naive, but I thought I'd be taking hmy grandma out on on movie dates forever. Our little dates that have become few and far in between (much to my regret and everbusy schedule).
My aunt had arrived from the states last week of November for a long vacation and she's been focused on making sure my grandma eats more and talks more. My grandma, who loves to go window shopping, gets to go out more frequently now. But last weekend she started feeling ill. Until then, I never noticed how bony and shrunken she had become. My grandma, who takes forever to get ready to go out because she loves to put on makeup and look real pretty and fashionable all the time (She always tells me I dress too conservatively for my age!). The same grandma who outlasts me when it comes to walking around the mall because my feet give up after an hour or two. This is the same grandma who has always beaten me in Scrabble even with her eyes closed.
It all started Sunday when we had my nephew's baptism in the afternoon and so we had to bring her back to my uncle's house. She was so weak that for the first time, I had to carry her from the car to her room. It felt weird considering one of my earliest memories of childhood was when my mom left me with her during the day and I played with our dachsund Dingdong while she did her gardening. Now, I was the one carrying her like she was the child. And she was so scared too. So fragile. I told her to put her arms around my neck, but she refused and was kicking her legs in the air all the way into the house because she thought we were going to drop her. My grandma is half-blind with glaucoma and I can guess just how scary things may look to her when her visibility is bad and she's feeling sick.
But today, I just found out she's been admitted to the ICU with a blood clot in her brain the size of something scary. How scary? That, I am not sure yet. But the doctor says that when it comes to blood clots, even a hairline size one would be cause for worry, what more if it was bigger?
To be honest, I have never ever experienced coming close to losing anyone in my immediate family, so this is all new to me. Hopefully, she will get better in the days to come because I hope for nothing more than that. I am not scared of the inevitable, but it is a sad, sad thing nonetheless. I hope it isn't her time yet. I hate surprises. And Death, though I am not afraid of it, is a foreign concept to me until now.
I think this is also the same reason why I never attend wakes. Not to disrespect the dead, but because I just dont know how I should conduct myself in those places. I'd be feeling as out of place as ever. So I'd rather pray for them from afar.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Disappointed
Gosh, it sucks to go straight to emo mode.
Especially, when I can't help it. Disappointment seeps in and I can't seem to shake it off.
I've lived with it all my life. But somehow, I just cant seem to get used to that sad sinking feeling of being caught unaware yet again.
That's why I think I'm so overly-OC about things. I like knowing that there won't be any twists at the end. Surprises are excruciating torture for me. If theres a tragic ending to something, I'm better off anticipating it than being blissfully unaware. This has made me into the control freak that I am today. Which is, on one hand, a good trait for a leader, but on the other hand, also makes me out to be one of the biggest cowards out there.
Disappontment comes in many forms. When you don't get what you want and when you get something you don't want. Mine is usually the former, and I think not getting anything is infinitely worse than settling for something else.
I am sad, but not pissed. Why? because if there's anything or anyone to get mad at, it should be me. Because I try so hard to stay away from these kinds of situations, but I still end up in them anyway. Because I hope for a different ending each time. And so far, nothing has changed.
I still end up alone.
Especially, when I can't help it. Disappointment seeps in and I can't seem to shake it off.
I've lived with it all my life. But somehow, I just cant seem to get used to that sad sinking feeling of being caught unaware yet again.
That's why I think I'm so overly-OC about things. I like knowing that there won't be any twists at the end. Surprises are excruciating torture for me. If theres a tragic ending to something, I'm better off anticipating it than being blissfully unaware. This has made me into the control freak that I am today. Which is, on one hand, a good trait for a leader, but on the other hand, also makes me out to be one of the biggest cowards out there.
Disappontment comes in many forms. When you don't get what you want and when you get something you don't want. Mine is usually the former, and I think not getting anything is infinitely worse than settling for something else.
I am sad, but not pissed. Why? because if there's anything or anyone to get mad at, it should be me. Because I try so hard to stay away from these kinds of situations, but I still end up in them anyway. Because I hope for a different ending each time. And so far, nothing has changed.
I still end up alone.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Friday Funk
Someone's been influencing me to start a blog about food, movies or books so I can make money off of it. My friends have had the recent misfortune of having to hear me rant day in and day out about how I am going to be dirt broke this year. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
Literature, film and food are a big part in my life anyway.
This weekend promises to be tiring, which weirdly enough, is just the way I like it. I don't mean tiring as in work-tired, which my eyes twitch and makes me sleepy enough to miss my stop going home (which has happened several times). It's going to be tiring because this weekend is the last training days before the leagues start next week. One sport on Saturday and another one on Sunday. I have no idea what got into me for signing up for a season that's obviously going to be filled with body aches and other mishaps. I keep thinking the idle mind is the Devil's playground. And when I'm feeling idle, all logic seems to get thrown out the window.
At least my muscles aren't aching anymore from last weekend's boot camp. I hate to admit it, but I really am a glutton for punishment. But there's pleasure in that kind of pain. Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with, no matter the number of stitches, bruises and broken bones, they will eventually heal in time (except for the ones which are arthritic and will haunt me until my twilight years, my orthopedic doctor says). Emotional scars are ones I'd like to avoid, if that was all possible. Because I know of some people who never let them heal. They walk around all normal on the outside, but badly battered within. They carry these hurts as lifelong burdens that permanently shape them into damaged individuals. I promised myself I would never succumb to that. No matter how damaged or confused I feel, I always have a choice to be better again. And no matter how awful I feel, there will always be a film, a book, or music out there that has the power to make me feel better. Hence, my uncontrollable urge to keep purchasing these things. Notice I don't mention people in that equation. Because unlike everything else (maybe except pets and plants), people have the power to leave.
Literature, film and food are a big part in my life anyway.
This weekend promises to be tiring, which weirdly enough, is just the way I like it. I don't mean tiring as in work-tired, which my eyes twitch and makes me sleepy enough to miss my stop going home (which has happened several times). It's going to be tiring because this weekend is the last training days before the leagues start next week. One sport on Saturday and another one on Sunday. I have no idea what got into me for signing up for a season that's obviously going to be filled with body aches and other mishaps. I keep thinking the idle mind is the Devil's playground. And when I'm feeling idle, all logic seems to get thrown out the window.
At least my muscles aren't aching anymore from last weekend's boot camp. I hate to admit it, but I really am a glutton for punishment. But there's pleasure in that kind of pain. Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with, no matter the number of stitches, bruises and broken bones, they will eventually heal in time (except for the ones which are arthritic and will haunt me until my twilight years, my orthopedic doctor says). Emotional scars are ones I'd like to avoid, if that was all possible. Because I know of some people who never let them heal. They walk around all normal on the outside, but badly battered within. They carry these hurts as lifelong burdens that permanently shape them into damaged individuals. I promised myself I would never succumb to that. No matter how damaged or confused I feel, I always have a choice to be better again. And no matter how awful I feel, there will always be a film, a book, or music out there that has the power to make me feel better. Hence, my uncontrollable urge to keep purchasing these things. Notice I don't mention people in that equation. Because unlike everything else (maybe except pets and plants), people have the power to leave.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tell me who your friends are
I don't get excited thinking of you anymore.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.
Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.
Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.
I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.
I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar
I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.
And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.
Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.
Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.
I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.
I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar
I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.
And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Hello Narcissus, is that you?
In the spirit of getting to know myself better (plus the fact that Virgos are known as incorrigible obsessive-compulsive people, hence the manic urge of making lists for everything and anything), I have decided to list down the the top six things I have discovered about myself within the past year. Hopefully, I can look back at this entry a few months from now and say to myself, "Hmmm, Oh now I see..." See what? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is that I'll figure it out by then. So here goes my five things I've learned about me lately...
1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.
2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.
3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)
4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?
5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.
6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.
The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.
I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.
1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.
2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.
3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)
4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?
5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.
6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.
The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.
I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Me
This wasn't originally my first imagined entry for 2009.
I already had about three long paragraphs typed up when my cousin's computer decided my writing was lame and closed all its programs without waiting for me to save it first. I guess I must agree. There is something unsatisfying when you don't write. I mean, it's still writing, but it's not the writing I want to do. It's not exactly that creative when your just chronicling what happened during the day.
The day I had been waiting for has finally come. And it came in with a very big bang. Actually, my last few days for 2008 was pretty nice too. Finished enough work on the 30th to keep my time free til the weekend. Then some of my friends all agreed to meet up and catch the last full show later that night followed by a nice midnight snack without alcohol. Didn't even realize how fast time went until I got home. Forgot my house keys (which always happens when I get brain-drained and too excited to go out), which meant I would make one sleepy household member very cranky. I felt guilty about that but it was worth it. Nothing beats getting the chance to spend time with good people. And sadly, that is something I don't get to do very often.
The 31st had me awake before lunch. Even though it was raining a bit, the guys wanted to meet up again early afternoon to practice some throws before getting caught up in the new year's eve preparations. Another unexpected treat was I got to see someone I don't usually see. I don't really know or talk to this person as well as the others but for some reason, things are always a little bit nicer when they're there. I bet some people don't realize how much of a blessing their presence is. How happy they can make others just by being themselves, no other effort involved. I think it's so cool how people have the power to help inspire and uplift another person. They become a blessing of sorts. Well anyway, that person did show up and we did get to chat a bit for a change. Not that anything is different. But it was just nice, doing that under the rain. I know I've always kept a distance from the people I like because it's better that way for me. There's simply something poetic (and safe) about admiring from afar.
Anyway, due to prior plans, I had to leave the group earlier. Me and my cousins had planned to do last-minute fireworks shopping (which is the best kind of shopping when it comes to fireworks as the prices start dropping the later it gets into the night). We went to what was usually a wet market that had been transformed into a fireworks center. Even the neighborhood police were double-parked on the street trying to buy stuff. We had already been set on getting sparklers, roman candles and those cute Pop-pops (little harmless balls of energy that make a popping sound when you throw it on the floor or step on it. A more modernized form of watusi). It was a crazy scene as vendors and buyers were trying to break each other down with the haggling. But as I eventually found out (more on this later), sometimes it's not always for the best to get a good discount on something as volatile as fireworks.
As always, dinner was a simple but cozy affair. Since we we're all still feeling majorly stuffed since Christmas, we usually just cook a big pot of yummy chicken congee to tide us over for the night. For perennially-hungry tummies like mine, there is always a fridge full of holiday leftovers to choose from. This was more than enough to satisfy our midnight and after-midnight snack cravings. The major fireworks action started happening a quarter to midnight so everyone went up to the top floor to welcome 2009. I bet noone in the entire Philippines was planning to sleep any earlier than 1am that night. You simply don't do that. Everyone wants to be awake when the new year comes in. And it's not as if you can sleep any earlier with all the noise around you anyway. December 31st has got to be the longest day ever for everyone because it extends past its 24 hour schedule. It can also be one of the most tiring and exciting days to prepare for too. Then January 1 becomes sort of just half of a day because everyone wakes up around lunch time and is too groggy to to do anything else worth remembering.
The Pop-pops we're a real hit, with even my 88-year-old grandmother having a blast throwing those little things around. My very adventurous aunt even wanted to experiment and see if it would still pop if we throw it at each other (this brilliant idea was immediately nixed when my guy cousin realized the experimentation would all be directed at him.) The sparklers made for nice pictures and provided cool ambiant light for the photos, but they were basically just, uh, sparkly. The roman candles proved to be a revelations as they were anything but what we expected. We bought two bunches of a dozen sticks each. The first few ones had the usual effect of colorful balls of spark flying out of them (thank god, because anything more and the older folks might've had a heart attack ). But I lit one and it exploded. I automatically let go but still felt the impact. I pretended it was nothing (while at the same time secretly checking if all my toes and fingers we're still intact through the smoke) but even my uncle heard it from the second floor and went up to ask if everyone was alright. This was noticeable because noone ever buys things that go *BANG* in that house. I picked up that defective roman candle (which I suspect wasn't defective at all. Maybe the maker decided to add one crazy stick in the bunch to enlighten our supposedly lame celebration. Kind of like when they add a bonus track to your favorite CD. Although in this case, you use it at the risk of one of your little piggies).
Turns out there was more than one surprise in that bunch, which was why nobody except me and my other crazy cousin wanted to start lighting the other bunch. With just the two of us left, we weighed the consequences of whether ending up in the ER (they live a block away from a good hospital anyway :P) as compared to the high potential for crazy but dangerous fun. We ended up deciding that we couldn't let it go to waste (haha, there was no contest from me actually. I just needed a devil's advocate to tell me to keep on lighting away). We vowed to keep happy despite the obvious risks (bad, baaaad, i know). At first, we just lit the sticks we put on the ledge, but it kept moving in crazy directions, so then we decided to plant it in the pots. This was better as some of them still exploded and for this, we decided to hide behind one of the plastic chairs as a precaution (which was still stupid since it could fly right into us anyway). There was this one outstanding piece which literally blew up even all the way into the handle. It makes me shudder thinking what could've happened if someone was actually holding it. No more discounted fireworks for us next year. But I'm adding a Crying Cow (a noisy but harmless treat), more Pop-pops and baby rockets to the list next December though.
So there. Happy new year and goodbye to the same old me.
Things have to change. And things will change anyway, whether I like it or not. But there are also so many good things around me right now that it's hard not to notice how thankful I really should be. And if last night's wake-up call was any indication, the first thing I should be happy about is that I get to keep all my toes and fingers again this year.
I already had about three long paragraphs typed up when my cousin's computer decided my writing was lame and closed all its programs without waiting for me to save it first. I guess I must agree. There is something unsatisfying when you don't write. I mean, it's still writing, but it's not the writing I want to do. It's not exactly that creative when your just chronicling what happened during the day.
The day I had been waiting for has finally come. And it came in with a very big bang. Actually, my last few days for 2008 was pretty nice too. Finished enough work on the 30th to keep my time free til the weekend. Then some of my friends all agreed to meet up and catch the last full show later that night followed by a nice midnight snack without alcohol. Didn't even realize how fast time went until I got home. Forgot my house keys (which always happens when I get brain-drained and too excited to go out), which meant I would make one sleepy household member very cranky. I felt guilty about that but it was worth it. Nothing beats getting the chance to spend time with good people. And sadly, that is something I don't get to do very often.
The 31st had me awake before lunch. Even though it was raining a bit, the guys wanted to meet up again early afternoon to practice some throws before getting caught up in the new year's eve preparations. Another unexpected treat was I got to see someone I don't usually see. I don't really know or talk to this person as well as the others but for some reason, things are always a little bit nicer when they're there. I bet some people don't realize how much of a blessing their presence is. How happy they can make others just by being themselves, no other effort involved. I think it's so cool how people have the power to help inspire and uplift another person. They become a blessing of sorts. Well anyway, that person did show up and we did get to chat a bit for a change. Not that anything is different. But it was just nice, doing that under the rain. I know I've always kept a distance from the people I like because it's better that way for me. There's simply something poetic (and safe) about admiring from afar.
Anyway, due to prior plans, I had to leave the group earlier. Me and my cousins had planned to do last-minute fireworks shopping (which is the best kind of shopping when it comes to fireworks as the prices start dropping the later it gets into the night). We went to what was usually a wet market that had been transformed into a fireworks center. Even the neighborhood police were double-parked on the street trying to buy stuff. We had already been set on getting sparklers, roman candles and those cute Pop-pops (little harmless balls of energy that make a popping sound when you throw it on the floor or step on it. A more modernized form of watusi). It was a crazy scene as vendors and buyers were trying to break each other down with the haggling. But as I eventually found out (more on this later), sometimes it's not always for the best to get a good discount on something as volatile as fireworks.
As always, dinner was a simple but cozy affair. Since we we're all still feeling majorly stuffed since Christmas, we usually just cook a big pot of yummy chicken congee to tide us over for the night. For perennially-hungry tummies like mine, there is always a fridge full of holiday leftovers to choose from. This was more than enough to satisfy our midnight and after-midnight snack cravings. The major fireworks action started happening a quarter to midnight so everyone went up to the top floor to welcome 2009. I bet noone in the entire Philippines was planning to sleep any earlier than 1am that night. You simply don't do that. Everyone wants to be awake when the new year comes in. And it's not as if you can sleep any earlier with all the noise around you anyway. December 31st has got to be the longest day ever for everyone because it extends past its 24 hour schedule. It can also be one of the most tiring and exciting days to prepare for too. Then January 1 becomes sort of just half of a day because everyone wakes up around lunch time and is too groggy to to do anything else worth remembering.
The Pop-pops we're a real hit, with even my 88-year-old grandmother having a blast throwing those little things around. My very adventurous aunt even wanted to experiment and see if it would still pop if we throw it at each other (this brilliant idea was immediately nixed when my guy cousin realized the experimentation would all be directed at him.) The sparklers made for nice pictures and provided cool ambiant light for the photos, but they were basically just, uh, sparkly. The roman candles proved to be a revelations as they were anything but what we expected. We bought two bunches of a dozen sticks each. The first few ones had the usual effect of colorful balls of spark flying out of them (thank god, because anything more and the older folks might've had a heart attack ). But I lit one and it exploded. I automatically let go but still felt the impact. I pretended it was nothing (while at the same time secretly checking if all my toes and fingers we're still intact through the smoke) but even my uncle heard it from the second floor and went up to ask if everyone was alright. This was noticeable because noone ever buys things that go *BANG* in that house. I picked up that defective roman candle (which I suspect wasn't defective at all. Maybe the maker decided to add one crazy stick in the bunch to enlighten our supposedly lame celebration. Kind of like when they add a bonus track to your favorite CD. Although in this case, you use it at the risk of one of your little piggies).
Turns out there was more than one surprise in that bunch, which was why nobody except me and my other crazy cousin wanted to start lighting the other bunch. With just the two of us left, we weighed the consequences of whether ending up in the ER (they live a block away from a good hospital anyway :P) as compared to the high potential for crazy but dangerous fun. We ended up deciding that we couldn't let it go to waste (haha, there was no contest from me actually. I just needed a devil's advocate to tell me to keep on lighting away). We vowed to keep happy despite the obvious risks (bad, baaaad, i know). At first, we just lit the sticks we put on the ledge, but it kept moving in crazy directions, so then we decided to plant it in the pots. This was better as some of them still exploded and for this, we decided to hide behind one of the plastic chairs as a precaution (which was still stupid since it could fly right into us anyway). There was this one outstanding piece which literally blew up even all the way into the handle. It makes me shudder thinking what could've happened if someone was actually holding it. No more discounted fireworks for us next year. But I'm adding a Crying Cow (a noisy but harmless treat), more Pop-pops and baby rockets to the list next December though.
So there. Happy new year and goodbye to the same old me.
Things have to change. And things will change anyway, whether I like it or not. But there are also so many good things around me right now that it's hard not to notice how thankful I really should be. And if last night's wake-up call was any indication, the first thing I should be happy about is that I get to keep all my toes and fingers again this year.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Holiday Hodgepodge
With Buddy Holly blaring in the background, the rhythmic clinking of forks and spoons over a good dinner with the family and my very satisfied tummy sending happy signals to my brain, everything just seems alright in the world.
At this very moment, I do not have a care with whatever's going on outside, as evidenced by:
1. I don't even know where my mobile phone is or feel the overwhelming urge to text anyone back (even the cute ones). This is quite a feat since I consider my phone an added appendage which I can attach and re-attach at will.
2. I can't tell what day it is. Whether it's Thursday or Saturday, doesn't feel important. My mental calendar is all messed up. Except for my weekly deadlines, time is immaterial right now anyway. It doesn't even matter what time it is. I sleep late, wake up late and will probably end up looking more like a zombie after this holiday break is over.
3. The gym seems like a foreign faraway land I plan to visit, but not this year. Anyway, I know I should be resting more so this dangblasted cold and cough will go away but I just cant seem to bring myself to bed at a decent hour. Hence, all the more time for my much-neglected blog.
4. I can't believe I got lured into doing some holiday shopping today. Blame it on the sports hiatus til new year. December in the Philippines is probably the only time when the congestion in the malls is worse than it is in the street traffic. I'm the kind of person who tries to finish my gift list by October at the latest, but somehow today I ended up going to a jampacked mall and surprisingly, I actually got to buy things I've been eyeing while I was too busy buying gifts for other people. What's worse was just when I was about to convince myself that that was the last purchase for the day, I end up seeing one more thing I absolutely have to get, regardless if it had a xmas discount or not! Well there goes the rest of my paycheck....
5. If I were to be asked to leave the house right now, I would not even bother changing my pink flannel pajama bottoms and wife-beater top (but I'd change into new underwear, of course). There isn't even any food stains on it. Not yet, at least. On the same vein, me and my cousins went on a midnight snack run a few days ago and I dared my whacko cousin (bad idea) to go out without changing (in this case, she was currently wearing jeans, a shirt, Hawaiian housedress, a plastic lei and to top it all off, her spanking new blue ukelele that she just recieved for Christmas. The plan was just to go to Starbucks, but after driving around for a while, it finally dawned on us that no coffee shop franchise (sosi or not) was going to remain open for Christmas eve. So after looking at all the closed Starbucks, Coffee Beans, Gloria Jeans, Figaros, and even the usual dependable 24-hour Mickey Dees, we ended up agreeing that the newly-opened David's Tea House near the house was the only viable option for the night (either that, or we make our own snacks at home.). So we got there a little before midnight and since I refused to be seen walking into that place with "Inday," me and my other cousin watched them enter first. But before they could, two young-looking well-dressed guys (who I assume were the owners) stopped them. Me and my other cousin couldn't stop laughing our guts out! We had assumed Inday got stopped because she honestly looked like she just escaped from the looney bin. (I don't think she even bothered combing her hair, mana sa akin haha.)
But as it turns out, we were mistaken. It was almost closing time, so we eventually got to go in on the condition that we were the last order for the day. We even got a 20% discount since it was their first day. Sweet! It felt like a second Noche Buena that day what with all the noodles, congee, dumplings, chicken and that delicious salt & pepper fried tofu (which I will definitely go back for!). Too bad we forgot to bring a camera.
6. I've been catching up on all the kimchi flicks that I seem to get cathartic pleasure from. I got to finish Korea's Le Grand Chef and Taiwan's About Love. I'm currently halfway with another Seoul movie, Crazy Waiting. And just for good measure, I think I'll watch Love Phobia and Fly Me to Polaris one more time too!
Weekend Plans:
I'm still iffy about the 8am calltime to practice throwing discs at the nearby university tomorrow. Unless I sleep within the hour, I doubt I'll feel awake enough to go. I think I need more impetus to show up. Which makes me wonder, would it make any difference if I knew a certain someone was going to be there too?
Sunday is an outreach day. I miss the outreach events my old choir used to organize. Small-scale but just as meaniingful nonetheless. And I wasn't able to participate in one last year, so I gotta do double time this year. We're heading to a center for sexually abused women somewhere in the South. Thank you God for letting me meet new wonderful people that give opportunities to do things like these with.
At this very moment, I do not have a care with whatever's going on outside, as evidenced by:
1. I don't even know where my mobile phone is or feel the overwhelming urge to text anyone back (even the cute ones). This is quite a feat since I consider my phone an added appendage which I can attach and re-attach at will.
2. I can't tell what day it is. Whether it's Thursday or Saturday, doesn't feel important. My mental calendar is all messed up. Except for my weekly deadlines, time is immaterial right now anyway. It doesn't even matter what time it is. I sleep late, wake up late and will probably end up looking more like a zombie after this holiday break is over.
3. The gym seems like a foreign faraway land I plan to visit, but not this year. Anyway, I know I should be resting more so this dangblasted cold and cough will go away but I just cant seem to bring myself to bed at a decent hour. Hence, all the more time for my much-neglected blog.
4. I can't believe I got lured into doing some holiday shopping today. Blame it on the sports hiatus til new year. December in the Philippines is probably the only time when the congestion in the malls is worse than it is in the street traffic. I'm the kind of person who tries to finish my gift list by October at the latest, but somehow today I ended up going to a jampacked mall and surprisingly, I actually got to buy things I've been eyeing while I was too busy buying gifts for other people. What's worse was just when I was about to convince myself that that was the last purchase for the day, I end up seeing one more thing I absolutely have to get, regardless if it had a xmas discount or not! Well there goes the rest of my paycheck....
5. If I were to be asked to leave the house right now, I would not even bother changing my pink flannel pajama bottoms and wife-beater top (but I'd change into new underwear, of course). There isn't even any food stains on it. Not yet, at least. On the same vein, me and my cousins went on a midnight snack run a few days ago and I dared my whacko cousin (bad idea) to go out without changing (in this case, she was currently wearing jeans, a shirt, Hawaiian housedress, a plastic lei and to top it all off, her spanking new blue ukelele that she just recieved for Christmas. The plan was just to go to Starbucks, but after driving around for a while, it finally dawned on us that no coffee shop franchise (sosi or not) was going to remain open for Christmas eve. So after looking at all the closed Starbucks, Coffee Beans, Gloria Jeans, Figaros, and even the usual dependable 24-hour Mickey Dees, we ended up agreeing that the newly-opened David's Tea House near the house was the only viable option for the night (either that, or we make our own snacks at home.). So we got there a little before midnight and since I refused to be seen walking into that place with "Inday," me and my other cousin watched them enter first. But before they could, two young-looking well-dressed guys (who I assume were the owners) stopped them. Me and my other cousin couldn't stop laughing our guts out! We had assumed Inday got stopped because she honestly looked like she just escaped from the looney bin. (I don't think she even bothered combing her hair, mana sa akin haha.)
But as it turns out, we were mistaken. It was almost closing time, so we eventually got to go in on the condition that we were the last order for the day. We even got a 20% discount since it was their first day. Sweet! It felt like a second Noche Buena that day what with all the noodles, congee, dumplings, chicken and that delicious salt & pepper fried tofu (which I will definitely go back for!). Too bad we forgot to bring a camera.
6. I've been catching up on all the kimchi flicks that I seem to get cathartic pleasure from. I got to finish Korea's Le Grand Chef and Taiwan's About Love. I'm currently halfway with another Seoul movie, Crazy Waiting. And just for good measure, I think I'll watch Love Phobia and Fly Me to Polaris one more time too!
Weekend Plans:
I'm still iffy about the 8am calltime to practice throwing discs at the nearby university tomorrow. Unless I sleep within the hour, I doubt I'll feel awake enough to go. I think I need more impetus to show up. Which makes me wonder, would it make any difference if I knew a certain someone was going to be there too?
Sunday is an outreach day. I miss the outreach events my old choir used to organize. Small-scale but just as meaniingful nonetheless. And I wasn't able to participate in one last year, so I gotta do double time this year. We're heading to a center for sexually abused women somewhere in the South. Thank you God for letting me meet new wonderful people that give opportunities to do things like these with.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas stalkings
"Finally, after all the presents have been opened, the noche buena has been eaten, and the guests have gone...."
Awwwwww fuck it.
Fudge, I was thinking of starting off this entry with an 'ole Father Christmas-like tone, all nostalgic and warm, but I just can't do it right now. I barely got enough sleep (my fault entirely). I've been subsisting on grilled sweet ham sandwiches for over 24 hours (and counting...) and I am now deadset on finishing reading a friend's old blog from end to end. It has entries from over seven years ago which I accidentally discovered online. ("Accidentally" here is a loose term which I choose to mean that I searched and found the link to it deliberately. Call me psycho, I know). No big reason for the research, just plain old curiousity, I guess. That, and the fact that it's really interesting how significant the changes one can undergo give or take a few years. This person's quirks are very interesting. Not out-of-this-world, but enough for me to bother reading about up til the wee hours of Christmas morn.
It's almost year's end and I am so glad to feel that I have not caused hurt, offended or inflicted pain on anybody else other than myself. Even if it happened indirectly, I feel sad for those who choose to think that way instead of assuming the more positive, kinder choice on what to believe.
It feels good to live this way. Living the way you want without really using, abusing or punishing others.
Now achieving Happiness may be a different kind of pursuit altogether, but being at peace with yourself requires almost no effort if you feel no guilt. The world can be pretty tricky, you can offend it just by being who you are and still, it takes that against you. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. It just means that some people aren't born with the understanding of appreciating your individuality. But I will never be a headless chicken. Maybe I could be the purple cow, but never the chicken. WTF?
This year, I tried not to be so disappointed in people. In previous years I would've tried not to get angry when I realized anger is a useless, expensive emotion that drains not just your body but the mind as well. And then when I went a notch down to just being disappointed at people who have done me wrong, I realized that disappointment was a sad thing to feel for people as well. Disappointment has a way of lingering with you even longer than anger ever will. Sometimes I can get pissed at someone and then totally forget about it within the same day. But disappointment hangs in there, reminding me constantly of how I was so badly let down. So now, I say, if I can help it, let's skip the anger and disappointment and just write off things as just that. Here is my personal mission-statement of sorts that I plan to use when it comes to understanding and accepting the reality of less-considerate individuals.
1. People make mistakes, but sometimes they can't help it and they'd probably take it back if they could. (i hope)
2. People say mean things, but not everybody can be an editor and words are a tricky business. That's why good writers are hard to find.
3. People are fickle creatures. They can change their mind in an instant, whether it be about their jobs, sports, friends and even family. Yes, they can even quit their loved ones, if they really wanted to. That's the freedom they have as a living body with an independent brain and a heart. Who knows, maybe in the long run, the decision was for everybody's benefit after all.
4. People don't realize the effect they have on others, based on what they do or DON'T do. Not everyone is a sensitive genuis. and in the same vein, not everything a person says or does or doesn't do have to be necessarily connected to you. For this, you'll just have to write off the rest of the clueless population as a nice, naive bunch of dense logs, haha. If you want something known, then be upfront. Guessing is kid's play.
5. People can be hard to understand. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to be understand. And other times, it's because they get so messed up inside that they don't know what else to do. I know someone who makes it so hard for his friends to be friends with him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends with us, he just can't help but be crazy frustrating most of the time. Normal people just do that when they have their whacked-out or depressed days.
These are just some of the learnings I wanted to jot down while my brain cells still feel like they're in work mode. This post didn't turn out as bitter or jaded as I first thought it would be. I'm going to try and steer away from that tone now as much as possible because there are a million more glorious happy things to write about out there. And I really shouldn't dwell on the familiar anymore. It stinks in the pit of despair. Hella boring too.
Thank God for good friends, family, constant opportunities, and a unwavering, nagging passion to push on with life everyday.
So I guess life can be good, if I wanted it to be.
Awwwwww fuck it.
Fudge, I was thinking of starting off this entry with an 'ole Father Christmas-like tone, all nostalgic and warm, but I just can't do it right now. I barely got enough sleep (my fault entirely). I've been subsisting on grilled sweet ham sandwiches for over 24 hours (and counting...) and I am now deadset on finishing reading a friend's old blog from end to end. It has entries from over seven years ago which I accidentally discovered online. ("Accidentally" here is a loose term which I choose to mean that I searched and found the link to it deliberately. Call me psycho, I know). No big reason for the research, just plain old curiousity, I guess. That, and the fact that it's really interesting how significant the changes one can undergo give or take a few years. This person's quirks are very interesting. Not out-of-this-world, but enough for me to bother reading about up til the wee hours of Christmas morn.
It's almost year's end and I am so glad to feel that I have not caused hurt, offended or inflicted pain on anybody else other than myself. Even if it happened indirectly, I feel sad for those who choose to think that way instead of assuming the more positive, kinder choice on what to believe.
It feels good to live this way. Living the way you want without really using, abusing or punishing others.
Now achieving Happiness may be a different kind of pursuit altogether, but being at peace with yourself requires almost no effort if you feel no guilt. The world can be pretty tricky, you can offend it just by being who you are and still, it takes that against you. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. It just means that some people aren't born with the understanding of appreciating your individuality. But I will never be a headless chicken. Maybe I could be the purple cow, but never the chicken. WTF?
This year, I tried not to be so disappointed in people. In previous years I would've tried not to get angry when I realized anger is a useless, expensive emotion that drains not just your body but the mind as well. And then when I went a notch down to just being disappointed at people who have done me wrong, I realized that disappointment was a sad thing to feel for people as well. Disappointment has a way of lingering with you even longer than anger ever will. Sometimes I can get pissed at someone and then totally forget about it within the same day. But disappointment hangs in there, reminding me constantly of how I was so badly let down. So now, I say, if I can help it, let's skip the anger and disappointment and just write off things as just that. Here is my personal mission-statement of sorts that I plan to use when it comes to understanding and accepting the reality of less-considerate individuals.
1. People make mistakes, but sometimes they can't help it and they'd probably take it back if they could. (i hope)
2. People say mean things, but not everybody can be an editor and words are a tricky business. That's why good writers are hard to find.
3. People are fickle creatures. They can change their mind in an instant, whether it be about their jobs, sports, friends and even family. Yes, they can even quit their loved ones, if they really wanted to. That's the freedom they have as a living body with an independent brain and a heart. Who knows, maybe in the long run, the decision was for everybody's benefit after all.
4. People don't realize the effect they have on others, based on what they do or DON'T do. Not everyone is a sensitive genuis. and in the same vein, not everything a person says or does or doesn't do have to be necessarily connected to you. For this, you'll just have to write off the rest of the clueless population as a nice, naive bunch of dense logs, haha. If you want something known, then be upfront. Guessing is kid's play.
5. People can be hard to understand. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to be understand. And other times, it's because they get so messed up inside that they don't know what else to do. I know someone who makes it so hard for his friends to be friends with him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends with us, he just can't help but be crazy frustrating most of the time. Normal people just do that when they have their whacked-out or depressed days.
These are just some of the learnings I wanted to jot down while my brain cells still feel like they're in work mode. This post didn't turn out as bitter or jaded as I first thought it would be. I'm going to try and steer away from that tone now as much as possible because there are a million more glorious happy things to write about out there. And I really shouldn't dwell on the familiar anymore. It stinks in the pit of despair. Hella boring too.
Thank God for good friends, family, constant opportunities, and a unwavering, nagging passion to push on with life everyday.
So I guess life can be good, if I wanted it to be.
Merely Christmas
It's 3am Christmas day and I'm still up (but not necessarily about).
Funny that I've gotten so lax on blogging even though I've already been working for a website for over a year now. I could say there's just too many things happening, as usual. But then again, isn't there always some one thing or another happening? It's just a cop out.
Truth is, I really wanted this year to be not just good, but great. Any other year I probably would've been content with a not-so-sucky 12 months, but this year, for some reason, it was just crucial for me that it wouldn't be a bomb. Now I just can't wait for it to be over.
Looking back at my last entry six months ago, I know I was able to accomplish most of what was on my mid-year wishlist. I indulged in a new sport and even got to be part of three finals games because of it. I got to travel and go on a nice little adventure on my time and terms. The only thing I still haven't mastered up to now is reigning in my mind on matters of the heart. Harmless crushes aside, I should stop being affected anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I won't say any more on this because it'll only come out like a sad sorry pile of mush. Which is what it is, actually. I need to work on that part. Especially now.
Quite honestly, there's a lot to be happy about from the past few months. I've lost more weight from all the running than I have from sweating it out in the gym. I've learned to eat healthier with a little help from the chirpy persistent nutritionist at my gym. I've met a wonderful new community of athletes and religious individuals who are just so sincere and welcoming that it makes me feel guilty for not being even half as nice as they are. I envy these kinds of people. Those who can be light and carefree company. Because I know I can never be me who will be described like that. But then again, they're lucky to not have to go through things that will change them growing up. Harder, sadder, more painful things. Things that will break you but eventually strengthen you. I can't complain. I did get smarter after all. I think.
Now christmas this year at the family house was subdued, as always. They had early dinner because their guests apparently had other parties to go to come dinnertime. I opted to demur from the 5pm calltime as I have always hated having this wonderful traditional meal being moved hella earlier at the dictate of someone else's social schedule. I hate to say it, but I always resented it when even the opening of the presents had to be done right after dinner because everyone had to sleep early because they were going out of town the following day to go to the province. Why did I have to feel cheated out of enjoying my Christmas eve because of somebody else's plans? Christmas isn't merry when it feels pressured to be finished early, no sir deifnitely not.
Anyway, I've finally figured out the one New Year's Resolution I want to keep for next year. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. It's one of those stupid things anybody can start doing at any time of the year, but I just think the start of a year is the best time to feel like a clean slate again. No wonder I can't wait to put 2008 behind me.
Funny that I've gotten so lax on blogging even though I've already been working for a website for over a year now. I could say there's just too many things happening, as usual. But then again, isn't there always some one thing or another happening? It's just a cop out.
Truth is, I really wanted this year to be not just good, but great. Any other year I probably would've been content with a not-so-sucky 12 months, but this year, for some reason, it was just crucial for me that it wouldn't be a bomb. Now I just can't wait for it to be over.
Looking back at my last entry six months ago, I know I was able to accomplish most of what was on my mid-year wishlist. I indulged in a new sport and even got to be part of three finals games because of it. I got to travel and go on a nice little adventure on my time and terms. The only thing I still haven't mastered up to now is reigning in my mind on matters of the heart. Harmless crushes aside, I should stop being affected anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I won't say any more on this because it'll only come out like a sad sorry pile of mush. Which is what it is, actually. I need to work on that part. Especially now.
Quite honestly, there's a lot to be happy about from the past few months. I've lost more weight from all the running than I have from sweating it out in the gym. I've learned to eat healthier with a little help from the chirpy persistent nutritionist at my gym. I've met a wonderful new community of athletes and religious individuals who are just so sincere and welcoming that it makes me feel guilty for not being even half as nice as they are. I envy these kinds of people. Those who can be light and carefree company. Because I know I can never be me who will be described like that. But then again, they're lucky to not have to go through things that will change them growing up. Harder, sadder, more painful things. Things that will break you but eventually strengthen you. I can't complain. I did get smarter after all. I think.
Now christmas this year at the family house was subdued, as always. They had early dinner because their guests apparently had other parties to go to come dinnertime. I opted to demur from the 5pm calltime as I have always hated having this wonderful traditional meal being moved hella earlier at the dictate of someone else's social schedule. I hate to say it, but I always resented it when even the opening of the presents had to be done right after dinner because everyone had to sleep early because they were going out of town the following day to go to the province. Why did I have to feel cheated out of enjoying my Christmas eve because of somebody else's plans? Christmas isn't merry when it feels pressured to be finished early, no sir deifnitely not.
Anyway, I've finally figured out the one New Year's Resolution I want to keep for next year. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. It's one of those stupid things anybody can start doing at any time of the year, but I just think the start of a year is the best time to feel like a clean slate again. No wonder I can't wait to put 2008 behind me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Mid-year Resolutions (better late than never....)
I feel good.
In fact, I haven't written anything for myself for the past two months
not because of lack of anything to say,
but rather because there's just so many things going on
that I'd rather attend to.
that I'd rather attend to.
Suddenly, picking my thoughts seems too tedious a process
(this, from a girl who is constantly getting accused of "overanalyzing.")
Definitely, I want this year to be a landmark year for me.
I want to do many things and step far, far away from my comfort zone.
I want to embrace feeling awkward and uncomfortable
and see where it takes me.
I want to see what it feels to be someone else for a change.
Even if that someone else turns out to be the real me.
How is this going to happen?
How is this going to happen?
Well, let's see....
1. I'm going to backpack my way through an asian country with
no schedule, no credit card and no companions.
This, I must admit, is an exciting and scary concept at the same time.
Not that I haven't ever done it before.
I've gotten lost many many times, but for some reason, this is really a big deal for me.
Hopefully, it'll be the fastest way to clear my head.
I also want to shake off this funk I've been dealing with
since early this year.
On the lighter side,
being by myself allows me to plot out my trip exactly the way I want it.
Sometimes, there's a certain kind of comfort in knowing
you can't possible disappoint, irritate or blame someone else for your own mistakes.
2. I'm diving into a new sport that I used to really hate.
Truth is, I really dislike running.
I have always hated the treadmill and avoided it with a vengeance
whenever I hit the gym.
I find the repetitive motions boring, monotonous and just oh-so-blah.
But lately, surprisingly, all I want to do is run.
I found a compromise with the treadmill dilemma
by running at alternating speeds from a light jog to a full sprint
(which makes me look like a maniac with crazy bangs in the gym by the way).
Bottom line is, I have never lost weight as fast as this.
So if thats what its going to take, then running it is, for now.
3. I'm not going to be scared of the future anymore.
So what if things turn even more difficult than they already are?
So what if they do?
Things happen no matter what we say or think or feel,
so I might as well face it with enough positivity to get through it.
No way am I going back to being a stick-in-a-mud anymore.
Takes too much effort to be sad anyway.
Hopefully, everything I do now,
as long as its in good taste,
will have positive effects in the future.
4. I'm going to stop looking for Mr. Right
For me, Mr. Right is a myth.
There is no right or wrong person for anybody.
There are only people willing to love
and stay no matter what kind of person you are or turn out to be.
It can go without saying that I also have to be the kind of person
who is loving too.
But it's a tricky subject and there really is no concrete plan to follow.
Sometimes I mistake familiarity with love.
One of the gazillion ways it can be misread.
But either way, I'm just going to be thankful for them
who took some time in their lives to stay and love me,
even it was just for a while.
Pretty emo, I know.
But then again, that's just me.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Goodbye Pink Eye
I just came back from a weeklong trek all over the northern part of the country. It definitely did me alot of good.
I got to do alot of things for the very first time.
Which is always a good remedy when there are certain things you want to forget.
Within the same hour me and my friends returned to the city, I was back in the office and feeling totally out of it.
Within the same hour me and my friends returned to the city, I was back in the office and feeling totally out of it.
As much as I miss the urban jungle, I should've used better judgment and rested it out for the rest of the day.
This stubborness, plus the fact that I stayed up later that night uploading stuff I should've put off at a later time, ended up with me getting a pink eye for the very first time.
It's not so bad. It doesn't hurt or itch or anything else associated with sore eyes. It wasn't even that red. I probably looked like a lush with a horrible hangover to most folks.
The worst part was just feeling conscious knowing that I didn't look alright (which is tough enough considering I havent been feeling all that great lately either).
Anyway, the weeklong experience opened my eyes to unfamiliar sights and challenging activities.
I can't believe Im actually starting to enjoy the outdoors.
Not that I've turned into a mountaineer overnight, but all that spelunking and nature-tripping definitely had its effect on me. No wonder so many people get addicted to it.
I once dated a mountaineer.
I can't believe Im actually starting to enjoy the outdoors.
Not that I've turned into a mountaineer overnight, but all that spelunking and nature-tripping definitely had its effect on me. No wonder so many people get addicted to it.
I once dated a mountaineer.
I never could understand what he saw in a city rat like me.
Maybe it was because we both loved soccer and literature (not exactly in the same order)
Or maybe because attraction just works that way, I guess.
It was good while it lasted.
Now, he's all settled down and probably conquering new heights in a foreign land.
While I'm over here just starting to see the beauty in even the smallest mole hills.
While I'm over here just starting to see the beauty in even the smallest mole hills.
I find that thought pretty cool.
It's never too late to discover a new happiness.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Blah, blah, blahs....
This has been a less-than-productive week out of all my unproductive weeks so far this year. Blame it on my ear ache, my heartache or whatever the hell these aches are stemming from. Not that I’m not getting anything done. I am. But it just doesn’t feel like I’m moving towards anything. I need to map out something reachable, something feasible and most importantly, something that won’t disappear on me in a blink of an eye.
I really really hate those kinds of surprises.
What I’d hate more is for my blog to turn out to be some sort of extension of my journal at home (which, in a way, it is) but at the same time, it isn’t. But the fact is, there’s really nothing much I want to write about. I’ve been sick. Started when I had to get up at a godawful hour last Sunday after getting only two hour’s sleep to cover this bike festival in Subic.
That was the day I spent with someone’s ex-boyfriend. Or is it more succinct to say someone else’s soon-to-be boyfriend? You know how you sometimes wonder what your ex is doing and who he is with? Well, I was with this guy (who I admit is quite a catch, although that is another story altogether…) and I kept thinking, I wonder who’s thinking about him right now. Silly, right? But it kinda put things in perspective for me. It’s just nuts to think that the guy I so wanna be with is probably doing crazy things with any girl he’s with that’s not me (Ouch).
So there we were, covering an event. But I guess it’s more fun to think of it as a day trip.
When we got to Subic, it turned out that the first event, which was a cross-country race at El Kabayo Falls, actually entailed going up a hill and into that bloody trail to do interviews and find nice spots. Halfway up the “trek” (I consider it as such since my top was already drenched halfway up), I felt like “Hey, wait a minute. This is anything BUT a bike race coverage!” But what the heck, I needed the distraction anyway. A few Gatorades later and I was happy again.
After that, we checked out the BMX finals (which was delayed by a record four hot-as-hell hours because not enough bikers had signed up) and then watched the Four cross finals mainly because world champ Brian Lopes was there. He wasn’t in a good mood though. Probably the heat was getting to him. I'd really like to think that, because otherwise, I thought he was such an a** to talk to.
Anyway, the drive back to Manila was smooth and traffic-free (I love Sundays!). We got to try out that new highway that leads straight to Clark from SBMA and I felt like I was back in one of those California freeways again. Although it does seem kinda sad that the government had to bulldoze through about a dozen little mountains to make that one straight road, it does make life a little easier for everyone (as long as you don't think about the toll, which we didnt have to worry about since it was free that week).
We saw an Aeta family walking along the highway during sunset and my photographer friend couldn’t resist stopping and taking some shots of them. I, on the other hand, couldn’t resist falling asleep. But I know how it feels to drive alone and tired, so I thought I’d do my best to keep him company by keeping my mouth busy with some chips.
Monday was a holiday, which saved me from having to call in sick anyway and all the other days leading up to this day was just one big blur. I just can’t say why.
I really really hate those kinds of surprises.
What I’d hate more is for my blog to turn out to be some sort of extension of my journal at home (which, in a way, it is) but at the same time, it isn’t. But the fact is, there’s really nothing much I want to write about. I’ve been sick. Started when I had to get up at a godawful hour last Sunday after getting only two hour’s sleep to cover this bike festival in Subic.
That was the day I spent with someone’s ex-boyfriend. Or is it more succinct to say someone else’s soon-to-be boyfriend? You know how you sometimes wonder what your ex is doing and who he is with? Well, I was with this guy (who I admit is quite a catch, although that is another story altogether…) and I kept thinking, I wonder who’s thinking about him right now. Silly, right? But it kinda put things in perspective for me. It’s just nuts to think that the guy I so wanna be with is probably doing crazy things with any girl he’s with that’s not me (Ouch).
So there we were, covering an event. But I guess it’s more fun to think of it as a day trip.
When we got to Subic, it turned out that the first event, which was a cross-country race at El Kabayo Falls, actually entailed going up a hill and into that bloody trail to do interviews and find nice spots. Halfway up the “trek” (I consider it as such since my top was already drenched halfway up), I felt like “Hey, wait a minute. This is anything BUT a bike race coverage!” But what the heck, I needed the distraction anyway. A few Gatorades later and I was happy again.
After that, we checked out the BMX finals (which was delayed by a record four hot-as-hell hours because not enough bikers had signed up) and then watched the Four cross finals mainly because world champ Brian Lopes was there. He wasn’t in a good mood though. Probably the heat was getting to him. I'd really like to think that, because otherwise, I thought he was such an a** to talk to.
Anyway, the drive back to Manila was smooth and traffic-free (I love Sundays!). We got to try out that new highway that leads straight to Clark from SBMA and I felt like I was back in one of those California freeways again. Although it does seem kinda sad that the government had to bulldoze through about a dozen little mountains to make that one straight road, it does make life a little easier for everyone (as long as you don't think about the toll, which we didnt have to worry about since it was free that week).
We saw an Aeta family walking along the highway during sunset and my photographer friend couldn’t resist stopping and taking some shots of them. I, on the other hand, couldn’t resist falling asleep. But I know how it feels to drive alone and tired, so I thought I’d do my best to keep him company by keeping my mouth busy with some chips.
Monday was a holiday, which saved me from having to call in sick anyway and all the other days leading up to this day was just one big blur. I just can’t say why.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The Forever Flush
A big part of what goes into my writing is hinged upon being able to come up with a good title first. Even if I dont feel like writing, as long as I have a catchy title, then I believe everything else will just fall into place...
Take today for instance. I've been wanting to post something new again but I've just been too stumped on what heading to use. Then I went to the comfort room to take a "tinkle" and then realize that I've been waiting for my bowl to stop flushing for the past three minutes. Thank God it stopped. I don't know about other people but I've always felt that there's something off about leaving your cubicle when the flushing ain't done.Maybe I'm paranoid someone will see my shit (literally haha) even though I didnt do the number two.
I never could understand how some people can just leave a bathroom they've just used looking like a pigsty (my apologies to the swine). Be it in a KFC outlet in Quiapo (which is kinda more understandable since some people who use it aren't even restaurant patrons) or a popular international airport, a high-profile call center, a posh magazine company or a bigshot television network, there will always be at least one or two stalls looking like it was just used by a four-legged thing. Geez, and you call yourself ladies?!?! Apparently, a diploma and/or an American accent can't guarantee a person cleanliness and consideration for others. (By the way, the SF airport wasn't so bad. Same thing goes for the Manila international AND domestic airports)
I know I've entered the ranting zone again, but it is so disappointing. This isn't even a third-world thing because I've seen bathrooms in America and Europe look just as filthy. Me and my officemate even came up with the theory that the people who mess up our office bathrooms are actually disgruntled employees lashing out at management by giving the poor sanitation workers extra work. I know it sounds far out but it's better than thinking that despite living in the city, we haven't evolved much from the old provincial way of digging fresh holes in the ground (or wait, I could be totally wrong with this and have the people using holes in the ground actually be more neater than us.) Hmmmm......
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sun Day
Man, it's hot today.
I wouldn't know exactly how hot, since I haven't been out of the house since Thursday.
I've been holed up, boxed in, and every other figurative phrase short of saying I feel like crawling under a rock right now and staying there (It has to be one of those cool heat-repelling rocks though).
Suffice to say, all is not well right now.
But it will be, soon.
I miss going to that 24 hour shake stand in Bora. I refuse to name it now because my friend had a horrible experience there involving a unhospitable server, a not-so-alive something-something in her order, and a somewhat reluctantly given discount. Given their rep, I expected better treatment from that place. But this picture is not about that ill-fated shake. This is one of my regular P60 melon milk shakes that tides me over until the next meal (Post-lunch, pre-merienda.) Looks ordinary, but tastes oh-so heavenly.
I miss my usual mango papaya shakes. Although now, after discovering the unforgivably high sugar content of mangoes, I have been opting for melon as a better partner to my all-time fave papaya. I miss zoning out at the beach. I miss playing frisbee in the water. I miss what can only be described as my half-assed version of what is barely passable as snorkelling (I just like the floating feeling haha). Only when I'm there do I feel like such a kid again, taking naps in between meals and having three part dinners. No wonder most of my budget goes to trying out the new places and going back to my old haunts...
Summer is definitely here.
I've been scanning the local airline websites for good deals (which is never really a great idea if your feeling bad and just want to get away from it all)
I've been putting off trips to Palawan and Sagada for ages.
There's an open invite to go see another favorite cousin in HK until April, but I doubt I'll be headed there. HongKong just isn't HongKong if you can't afford to shop to your heart's delight. God, as much as I love Greenhills, the fashion at Mongkok gives me a whole other level of happiness....
I'm so missing the beach right now.
I like being there because
it's so far from the city (well, my city at least.)
I like being out of touch with my world.
Gotta see some unfamiliar things and shake off what needs to be let go.
Leave it far, far away
remember it. value it.
but then let it be.
Blame it on the Ballet
One day I finally woke up with the firm resolve to stop ignoring myself.
Oh me and my inner disputes...
Now I gotta listen to that teeny little voice that has been warning me about the changes ahead...
And how has it come to this?
Has my life really just become a series of endless gym classes, work appointments (not that I'm complaining) and the daily challenge of finding the most creative ways to kill time?
I've discovered there's not that many ways you can bluff your way through Life.
I don't want to have to look back and wish I could have been better, nicer or smarter about things.
I don't want to wish I had been less giving to others and more selfish about my own happiness.
I don't want to think about who I should have loved better and when was the "perfect time" for it to happen.
I don't want to put a rationale on every single heartbeat (But yes, I agree with Tina Turner. Sometimes, love has nothing to do with it).
In other words, what this basically means, is that I have a helluva lot of thinking to do.....
Thank god for dance class.
It has gotten me through sad times and has even saved me from myself.
It has moved me, challenged me and inspired me.
Without it, I would never know my limitations and my potentials.
It has helped me know myself better, positively or otherwise.
Nowadays, I find myself doing all sorts of moves,;
in the gym, at the dance floor, on the field.
It doesn't matter where. It's still gives me that same familiar high.
I always think, "When in doubt, dance."
P.S
This wasn't exactly my perfect choice for my first post for the year.
But I guess some thoughts will still have to remain bottled up inside waiting to be written about.
Oh me and my inner disputes...
Now I gotta listen to that teeny little voice that has been warning me about the changes ahead...
And how has it come to this?
Has my life really just become a series of endless gym classes, work appointments (not that I'm complaining) and the daily challenge of finding the most creative ways to kill time?
I've discovered there's not that many ways you can bluff your way through Life.
I don't want to have to look back and wish I could have been better, nicer or smarter about things.
I don't want to wish I had been less giving to others and more selfish about my own happiness.
I don't want to think about who I should have loved better and when was the "perfect time" for it to happen.
I don't want to put a rationale on every single heartbeat (But yes, I agree with Tina Turner. Sometimes, love has nothing to do with it).
In other words, what this basically means, is that I have a helluva lot of thinking to do.....
Thank god for dance class.
It has gotten me through sad times and has even saved me from myself.
It has moved me, challenged me and inspired me.
Without it, I would never know my limitations and my potentials.
It has helped me know myself better, positively or otherwise.
Nowadays, I find myself doing all sorts of moves,;
in the gym, at the dance floor, on the field.
It doesn't matter where. It's still gives me that same familiar high.
I always think, "When in doubt, dance."
P.S
This wasn't exactly my perfect choice for my first post for the year.
But I guess some thoughts will still have to remain bottled up inside waiting to be written about.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
The Pain of Pursuit
I just found out I am a masochist.
I've never figured that out 'til a friend pointed out the exact same fact about himself which I could totally relate to. Man, what a revelation.
That we actually enjoy doing the pursuing instead of being the one pursued.
Sad, sad, sad. But I guess that's just the way it is.
Another friend said something cryptic the other day too.
"Maybe the only reason your still together is because your so far apart."
It wasn't really a hypothesis as much as it was an actual statement.
Will my life always be about ironic statements? Will irony always play a big part in my love life?
"He's sweet, but he's an underachiever."
"He's hardworking, but he's always too busy."
"He was nice, but not nice enough to stay."
"He was everything a boyfriend should be, but he didn't love me."
"He's perfect. but he's too far away."
"He's responsible, but he doesn't know what love really means."
"He wants me, but I don't love him."
Great. I am now officially a major whiner, OFF the field as well as on it.
Dammit, I know that there's more to life than just having guy problems.
Heck, the fact that i even HAVE guy problems is a big surprise to me sometimes.
I have it on good authority that these things beat money problems any day (which does not mean I have money. It just means I'd rather not worry about it.)
I could have it much worse, which is to not even have a love life to speak of.
Why else would I continue to blindly pursue these "chances" at a life long love, even if the odds are against me? Because to love is to have a life. To have someone, somewhere, thinking and feeling the exact same way about me. Because even if it may not last, I will still be so grateful it happened. But of course, every single time I keep hoping it'll be outlast everything else.
My happily ever after in the making.....
And because I'm just too busy right now to be bitter or jaded anyway.
A loved life, now THAT is what I have.
I've never figured that out 'til a friend pointed out the exact same fact about himself which I could totally relate to. Man, what a revelation.
That we actually enjoy doing the pursuing instead of being the one pursued.
Sad, sad, sad. But I guess that's just the way it is.
Another friend said something cryptic the other day too.
"Maybe the only reason your still together is because your so far apart."
It wasn't really a hypothesis as much as it was an actual statement.
Will my life always be about ironic statements? Will irony always play a big part in my love life?
"He's sweet, but he's an underachiever."
"He's hardworking, but he's always too busy."
"He was nice, but not nice enough to stay."
"He was everything a boyfriend should be, but he didn't love me."
"He's perfect. but he's too far away."
"He's responsible, but he doesn't know what love really means."
"He wants me, but I don't love him."
Great. I am now officially a major whiner, OFF the field as well as on it.
Dammit, I know that there's more to life than just having guy problems.
Heck, the fact that i even HAVE guy problems is a big surprise to me sometimes.
I have it on good authority that these things beat money problems any day (which does not mean I have money. It just means I'd rather not worry about it.)
I could have it much worse, which is to not even have a love life to speak of.
Why else would I continue to blindly pursue these "chances" at a life long love, even if the odds are against me? Because to love is to have a life. To have someone, somewhere, thinking and feeling the exact same way about me. Because even if it may not last, I will still be so grateful it happened. But of course, every single time I keep hoping it'll be outlast everything else.
My happily ever after in the making.....
And because I'm just too busy right now to be bitter or jaded anyway.
A loved life, now THAT is what I have.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Dreary Day, Bright Outlook
It surprisingly rained alot today.
What started as this annoying trickle after midnight ended up being a full-blown downpour all morning. After a week of hot sun and dry weather (as evidenced by my weird-looking weekend sunburn after staying out in the sun all afternoon and forgetting to take off my shades), I guess everyone was kinda happy to get a chance to take out their windbreakers again.
Today I feel like I've got windburn on my lips too. Tres weird......
Thank God for Carmex. and Ziploc. and that snazzy sandwich maker that I've been planning to get for ages and ages (By ages, I mean I've been wishing for that food "iron" ever since I was a kid and got a taste of my tita's hot cheese melt sandwiches. Kind of like a prehistoric Hot Pocket. I also can't wait to try it on peanut butter and jelly too! Ah, the excitement that comes with promise of yummy inexpensive food.
Speaking of food, I've been drinking lots and lots of coconut juice since I found out that it would do my kidney good. I need to stay away from salty food. So basically, except for the lack of dentures, I have miraculously turned into having the diet of an 80-year-old, minus the arthritis. I have to rein in my pizza and pasta cravings. I guess that's fine. I can live with it as long as my sandwich maker is there to make me a happy camper.
I heard that the average lifespan in Korea is 80 while Japan has an even longer figure. Is it their diet? Their way of life? The weather? Or all of the above? Will a Filipino therefore, be able to live longer if they move to these countries? Now that I realize how much in danger my health may be, I keep thinking about what measures I can take to save it, if not prolong it. I love living, I love feeling what I feel. I welcome pain because it helps me enjoy being okay so much more. I remember the sad times because it makes the happy ones even more significant. It's okay to not always feel okay. I'm glad I know that now.
I got some unexpected but welcome news last night which I think might be the reason why I'm unusually, uncontrollably, decidedly happy (despite the lack of sleep, and usual shirking of responsibilities I've managed to accumulate). The thing I least expected to happen anytime soon might turn out to be the first big thing to occur next year. Thank god. I thought I'd never get this same chance again. I can't wait.
What started as this annoying trickle after midnight ended up being a full-blown downpour all morning. After a week of hot sun and dry weather (as evidenced by my weird-looking weekend sunburn after staying out in the sun all afternoon and forgetting to take off my shades), I guess everyone was kinda happy to get a chance to take out their windbreakers again.
Today I feel like I've got windburn on my lips too. Tres weird......
Thank God for Carmex. and Ziploc. and that snazzy sandwich maker that I've been planning to get for ages and ages (By ages, I mean I've been wishing for that food "iron" ever since I was a kid and got a taste of my tita's hot cheese melt sandwiches. Kind of like a prehistoric Hot Pocket. I also can't wait to try it on peanut butter and jelly too! Ah, the excitement that comes with promise of yummy inexpensive food.
Speaking of food, I've been drinking lots and lots of coconut juice since I found out that it would do my kidney good. I need to stay away from salty food. So basically, except for the lack of dentures, I have miraculously turned into having the diet of an 80-year-old, minus the arthritis. I have to rein in my pizza and pasta cravings. I guess that's fine. I can live with it as long as my sandwich maker is there to make me a happy camper.
I heard that the average lifespan in Korea is 80 while Japan has an even longer figure. Is it their diet? Their way of life? The weather? Or all of the above? Will a Filipino therefore, be able to live longer if they move to these countries? Now that I realize how much in danger my health may be, I keep thinking about what measures I can take to save it, if not prolong it. I love living, I love feeling what I feel. I welcome pain because it helps me enjoy being okay so much more. I remember the sad times because it makes the happy ones even more significant. It's okay to not always feel okay. I'm glad I know that now.
I got some unexpected but welcome news last night which I think might be the reason why I'm unusually, uncontrollably, decidedly happy (despite the lack of sleep, and usual shirking of responsibilities I've managed to accumulate). The thing I least expected to happen anytime soon might turn out to be the first big thing to occur next year. Thank god. I thought I'd never get this same chance again. I can't wait.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Soulitude
I think I'm watching a movie by myself today.
Not that I planned to.
My favorite movie date bailed on me unexpectedly because of a family matter.
No worries, I just plan to enjoy the weekend (Weekends for me, in case you were wondering, start at the precise moment I step out of the office lobby every friday.)
I LOVE fridays.
Plus, with the disappointing results of my recent medical exam, i think I deserve a little treat.
I don't really want to talk about it. It just means added expenses, medication and a re-test by next week. Turns out I'm not exactly the healthy individual I aspire to be.
Not to sound like the total drama queen, but I never have been totally without affliction.
Yesterday was the day everyone at work gets their anti-flu shots for the year.
I, of course, have never really felt the least bit squeamish about needles. After being opened up, scraped into and stitched up so many times in the past, one tiny little prick seems like a breeze. I was waiting in line with the rest of the headless chickens in the office when the nurse announced that anybody with any sort of allergy cannot have shots. "It might even kill you," she stresses. Geez, no wonder I keep getting the flu. I don't recall getting a flu shot in my entire life EVER (okay, maybe at infancy i did. But considering that right now I have the memory span of a hamster, how much worse it must have been when I couldn't even talk yet.)
So, there goes a bummed, dejected me, not being able to take advantage of one of the few and far between freebies work has to offer and feeling like a sad sorry little turd for having so many allergies (my allergen list is crazy. How I lasted this long on earth is a wonder.)
Anyway, back to my evening plans. I cannot stress enough how much I love the movies. It took me awhile to appreciate watching with a crowd (especially a noisy, uncultured one often found in local densely-populated malls), but after seeing those dingy, old neighborhood theaters in the States (except for AMC, I love them.), I have a newfound appreciation for our nice movie megaplexes. The ticket price is a bit high over here for the average Pinoy, but it's discriminating enough that you don't have to worry about sitting beside some perv. But geez, it makes you wonder about things when the price of a movie ticket is considered half a day's work for a minimum wage worker....
Right now, I don't even care what's showing (although The Golden Compass looks very promising. Too bad it comes out in December pa), I just love the whole experience. Watching a movie is a big production for me. The choice of snacks can even be just as crucial as deciding what to watch. Minsan, pag bitin yung nabili mo or too much naman, it affects everything. Well at least thats the case when it comes to me. My motto when it comes to watching movies is "Minsan ka nalang din manuod, itodo mo na." After all, Isn't it the reason we work ourselves to the bone each day, if not to enable us to do what we love doing?
I don't mind being alone. In fact, I'm used to it. Which kinda scares me a little.
One shouldn't feel so comfortable like this.
It keeps people away.
Although solitude should be welcomed every so often, it is something that can or should be shared too. Thats why I'm so loving my pilates and flow yoga class right now.
It's the only way I can get my mind to rest.
Here's to a happy weekend.
Not that I planned to.
My favorite movie date bailed on me unexpectedly because of a family matter.
No worries, I just plan to enjoy the weekend (Weekends for me, in case you were wondering, start at the precise moment I step out of the office lobby every friday.)
I LOVE fridays.
Plus, with the disappointing results of my recent medical exam, i think I deserve a little treat.
I don't really want to talk about it. It just means added expenses, medication and a re-test by next week. Turns out I'm not exactly the healthy individual I aspire to be.
Not to sound like the total drama queen, but I never have been totally without affliction.
Yesterday was the day everyone at work gets their anti-flu shots for the year.
I, of course, have never really felt the least bit squeamish about needles. After being opened up, scraped into and stitched up so many times in the past, one tiny little prick seems like a breeze. I was waiting in line with the rest of the headless chickens in the office when the nurse announced that anybody with any sort of allergy cannot have shots. "It might even kill you," she stresses. Geez, no wonder I keep getting the flu. I don't recall getting a flu shot in my entire life EVER (okay, maybe at infancy i did. But considering that right now I have the memory span of a hamster, how much worse it must have been when I couldn't even talk yet.)
So, there goes a bummed, dejected me, not being able to take advantage of one of the few and far between freebies work has to offer and feeling like a sad sorry little turd for having so many allergies (my allergen list is crazy. How I lasted this long on earth is a wonder.)
Anyway, back to my evening plans. I cannot stress enough how much I love the movies. It took me awhile to appreciate watching with a crowd (especially a noisy, uncultured one often found in local densely-populated malls), but after seeing those dingy, old neighborhood theaters in the States (except for AMC, I love them.), I have a newfound appreciation for our nice movie megaplexes. The ticket price is a bit high over here for the average Pinoy, but it's discriminating enough that you don't have to worry about sitting beside some perv. But geez, it makes you wonder about things when the price of a movie ticket is considered half a day's work for a minimum wage worker....
Right now, I don't even care what's showing (although The Golden Compass looks very promising. Too bad it comes out in December pa), I just love the whole experience. Watching a movie is a big production for me. The choice of snacks can even be just as crucial as deciding what to watch. Minsan, pag bitin yung nabili mo or too much naman, it affects everything. Well at least thats the case when it comes to me. My motto when it comes to watching movies is "Minsan ka nalang din manuod, itodo mo na." After all, Isn't it the reason we work ourselves to the bone each day, if not to enable us to do what we love doing?
I don't mind being alone. In fact, I'm used to it. Which kinda scares me a little.
One shouldn't feel so comfortable like this.
It keeps people away.
Although solitude should be welcomed every so often, it is something that can or should be shared too. Thats why I'm so loving my pilates and flow yoga class right now.
It's the only way I can get my mind to rest.
Here's to a happy weekend.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Things I'm not supposed to do (abroad)
(Foreword: this post is actually a really old one from months ago while i was still abroad. I'm lifting it off my friendster blog so that I can start putting my entries in just one site. That, and I'm also too lazy right now to write any new ones.)
Okay here's the deal.
I'm abroad so everything's supposed to be different.
The food, the scenery, the culture and the people.
I decided I want to take it all in.
Fill up my senses with information and just take it all home.
I want to go to every museum, landmark, event and heck even supermarkets and just feast my eyes on the new, the weird and the mundane.
I want to remember everything.
But aside from that resolution, I never thought I'd be learning more about myself in the process.
Here are the list of things I've done (whether voluntary or not) that are so undoubtedly Filipino:
1. Lily's peanut butter
I have always favored this brand over the imported stuff. My cousins say it takes more like sugar than peanut. I say US brands like Skippy and Goober taste more like peanut than sugar. So what? I grew up with this stuff. I happen to like it whether its on bread, pita, crackers, bananas or just by eating a big dollop off a spoon. I guess it's useless to argue the point. It may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but thats just my third world (un)common sensibility kicking in. It's cheap (well, maybe not over here. It costs almost $3 a bottle. An almost 200% profit for asian stores). So far, I've bought at least 3 or 4 bottles during my stay here. Crazy huh? Just like getting a little piece of home.
2. Karaoke
This is definitely a staple in any Filipino party here in the states. It goes with the "smile-though-your-heart-is-aching" mentality we Pinoys have. People may complain about loneliness, money troubles and stress over here, but once someone starts belting out a tune, everyone becomes happy again. Even some Filipino restaurants have it. We frequently visit this one place in San Jose which is open til 2am everyday because of their videoke hours. They also offer discounts on the food if you sing (I have no idea if this also applies to off-key singing as that goes against the whole theory that singing will make people want to stay)
3. Filipino restos
I've always wondered why with the proliferation of Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese and Korean restos, there is a glaring disparity in the number of Pinoy places to eat. Somebody pointed out to me that Pinoys scrimp on the serving size. Another person told me that they overprice things. So I checked out Goldilocks, Barrio Fiesta, Gerry's Grill and a bunch of other home cooking restos. (Jollibee doesn't count. It's the same menu, but you have to order rice as a side dish).
Goldilocks
Goldilocks is the only place I've eaten at over here that actually counts the number of meat and actually lessens the serving in front of you. No wonder only Pinoys eat there. But it's always packed though.
Barrio Fiesta
Barrio Fiesta's interiors look the same as their local counterpart, only stuffier. The waiters have been there for ages and ages already and the staff is very attentive. Definitely first-world customer service. Their $4.50 halo-halo was okay, but the leche flan (which is like the piece de resistance of any halo-halo in my opinion was exceptionally disappointing). It tasted worse than ready-to-make flan you buy at the supermarket.
Gerry's Grill (Union city)
It was a pleasant surprise to know that one of my favorite sisig places had opened near my cousin's house. But I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up too high. They had obviously adjusted their cooking to suit foreigner's tastes already. The chicharon bulaklak was almost all meat (which is actually a good thing). Everything else was fine. They were kinda pricey though. Must be because of the cool interiors. Unlike other Pinoy restos, Gerry's definitely put a premium on good ambiance.
Chowking and Red Ribbon
I havent actually gone there yet, although I've passed by these places so many times. They close early so I can never grab a bite to eat there after my games. Looks promising though, my cousin says the dimsum is good.
Atbp.
I don't know why so many Filipino places here look like your average carinderia or canteen in Manila. Whether the price of upkeep is too high or they simply don't bother with appearances, it just doesn't cut it as compared to other asian places (but in fairness, the toilets are always clean and tidy unlike better looking Chinese restos. ugh). I find it funny that the older pa-sosyal people who lived in Manila before go to these places alot. Pero when they go back to the Philippines, hindi mo sila mapapapasok sa ganung lugar. Oh the hyprocrisy nga naman. When they're in Manila, they wanna look rich because they're "stateside," but when they come back here, they're as bakya as you can get.
3. Halo-halo
It's summertime so Pinoys just love to go out and cool off. My lola loves it when we take her out for this treat if a dozen or so delights (hehe pahiram ng tagline Icebergs...). The price of halo-halo here averages from $3.50 to $4.50. Wala pang tax yan ha. I would rather order sago & gulaman, but I cannot part with my $3.75 for something I know probably cost them less than a quarter to make. The problem is with getting halo-halo at Pinoy eateries is that your never quite sure what your getting. Minsan masarap, minsan hindi. The worst problem would be if they ran out of your favorite ingredient (it doesnt matter if its a major or minor flavor, one place even had the gall to charge us full price even though they ran out of leche flan AND ube!). And when I went to complain... "Ay, pasensya na po, madami kasing nag-order nyan kahapon eh. Kaya naubusan na kami." Geez. As if stating these facts automatically absolves him of substandard food quality AND not being forthright to the customer. This is why I love American customer service standards. I actually abhor that saying "Kung maikli ang kumot, matutong bumaluktot."
4. Malling
I'm staying at a place near the Great Mall (which I think really isn't so great and worthy of it's name. Come to think of it, they should've named MOA the Great Mall of Asia. Now thats a "great" mall if your talking of sheer size alone. Nevermind the store arrangements...). I haven't really done alot of malling since most malls here are just one or two storeys high. Parang ali mall lang. But I've visited most of the major malls in the area. There's Valley Fair and Santana Row which is our equivalent of Rockwell or Greenbelt. Then there's Sunridge and Eastridge (I cant tell them apart) which would remind me of Galleria or ATC except that I find them inferior in aesthetics. Hay... miss ko na talaga ang Gateway.
5. Movies
I thought my movie watching addiction would subside over here (given the $9-10 price range) but I guess that was not meant to be. Thank you God for $6 matinee shows and double features. Thank you $2-5 DVD sales at Hollywood and Blockbuster video. Thank you Netflix for getting me through my housesitting weekends! I can't remember everything I've watched but Disturbia, Spiderman 3, A Mighty Heart, Transformers, and Sicko top the bunch.
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