Goodbye Pink Eye

I just came back from a weeklong trek all over the northern part of the country. It definitely did me alot of good.

I got to do alot of things for the very first time.

Which is always a good remedy when there are certain things you want to forget.

Within the same hour me and my friends returned to the city, I was back in the office and feeling totally out of it.

As much as I miss the urban jungle, I should've used better judgment and rested it out for the rest of the day.

This stubborness, plus the fact that I stayed up later that night uploading stuff I should've put off at a later time, ended up with me getting a pink eye for the very first time.

It's not so bad. It doesn't hurt or itch or anything else associated with sore eyes. It wasn't even that red. I probably looked like a lush with a horrible hangover to most folks.

The worst part was just feeling conscious knowing that I didn't look alright (which is tough enough considering I havent been feeling all that great lately either).

Anyway, the weeklong experience opened my eyes to unfamiliar sights and challenging activities.
I can't believe Im actually starting to enjoy the outdoors.
Not that I've turned into a mountaineer overnight, but all that spelunking and nature-tripping definitely had its effect on me. No wonder so many people get addicted to it.

I once dated a mountaineer.

I never could understand what he saw in a city rat like me.

Maybe it was because we both loved soccer and literature (not exactly in the same order)

Or maybe because attraction just works that way, I guess.

It was good while it lasted.

Now, he's all settled down and probably conquering new heights in a foreign land.
While I'm over here just starting to see the beauty in even the smallest mole hills.

I find that thought pretty cool.

It's never too late to discover a new happiness.

Blah, blah, blahs....

This has been a less-than-productive week out of all my unproductive weeks so far this year. Blame it on my ear ache, my heartache or whatever the hell these aches are stemming from. Not that I’m not getting anything done. I am. But it just doesn’t feel like I’m moving towards anything. I need to map out something reachable, something feasible and most importantly, something that won’t disappear on me in a blink of an eye.

I really really hate those kinds of surprises.

What I’d hate more is for my blog to turn out to be some sort of extension of my journal at home (which, in a way, it is) but at the same time, it isn’t. But the fact is, there’s really nothing much I want to write about. I’ve been sick. Started when I had to get up at a godawful hour last Sunday after getting only two hour’s sleep to cover this bike festival in Subic.

That was the day I spent with someone’s ex-boyfriend. Or is it more succinct to say someone else’s soon-to-be boyfriend? You know how you sometimes wonder what your ex is doing and who he is with? Well, I was with this guy (who I admit is quite a catch, although that is another story altogether…) and I kept thinking, I wonder who’s thinking about him right now. Silly, right? But it kinda put things in perspective for me. It’s just nuts to think that the guy I so wanna be with is probably doing crazy things with any girl he’s with that’s not me (Ouch).

So there we were, covering an event. But I guess it’s more fun to think of it as a day trip.
When we got to Subic, it turned out that the first event, which was a cross-country race at El Kabayo Falls, actually entailed going up a hill and into that bloody trail to do interviews and find nice spots. Halfway up the “trek” (I consider it as such since my top was already drenched halfway up), I felt like “Hey, wait a minute. This is anything BUT a bike race coverage!” But what the heck, I needed the distraction anyway. A few Gatorades later and I was happy again.

After that, we checked out the BMX finals (which was delayed by a record four hot-as-hell hours because not enough bikers had signed up) and then watched the Four cross finals mainly because world champ Brian Lopes was there. He wasn’t in a good mood though. Probably the heat was getting to him. I'd really like to think that, because otherwise, I thought he was such an a** to talk to.

Anyway, the drive back to Manila was smooth and traffic-free (I love Sundays!). We got to try out that new highway that leads straight to Clark from SBMA and I felt like I was back in one of those California freeways again. Although it does seem kinda sad that the government had to bulldoze through about a dozen little mountains to make that one straight road, it does make life a little easier for everyone (as long as you don't think about the toll, which we didnt have to worry about since it was free that week).

We saw an Aeta family walking along the highway during sunset and my photographer friend couldn’t resist stopping and taking some shots of them. I, on the other hand, couldn’t resist falling asleep. But I know how it feels to drive alone and tired, so I thought I’d do my best to keep him company by keeping my mouth busy with some chips.

Monday was a holiday, which saved me from having to call in sick anyway and all the other days leading up to this day was just one big blur. I just can’t say why.

The Forever Flush

A big part of what goes into my writing is hinged upon being able to come up with a good title first. Even if I dont feel like writing, as long as I have a catchy title, then I believe everything else will just fall into place...

Take today for instance. I've been wanting to post something new again but I've just been too stumped on what heading to use. Then I went to the comfort room to take a "tinkle" and then realize that I've been waiting for my bowl to stop flushing for the past three minutes. Thank God it stopped. I don't know about other people but I've always felt that there's something off about leaving your cubicle when the flushing ain't done.Maybe I'm paranoid someone will see my shit (literally haha) even though I didnt do the number two.

I never could understand how some people can just leave a bathroom they've just used looking like a pigsty (my apologies to the swine). Be it in a KFC outlet in Quiapo (which is kinda more understandable since some people who use it aren't even restaurant patrons) or a popular international airport, a high-profile call center, a posh magazine company or a bigshot television network, there will always be at least one or two stalls looking like it was just used by a four-legged thing. Geez, and you call yourself ladies?!?! Apparently, a diploma and/or an American accent can't guarantee a person cleanliness and consideration for others. (By the way, the SF airport wasn't so bad. Same thing goes for the Manila international AND domestic airports)

I know I've entered the ranting zone again, but it is so disappointing. This isn't even a third-world thing because I've seen bathrooms in America and Europe look just as filthy. Me and my officemate even came up with the theory that the people who mess up our office bathrooms are actually disgruntled employees lashing out at management by giving the poor sanitation workers extra work. I know it sounds far out but it's better than thinking that despite living in the city, we haven't evolved much from the old provincial way of digging fresh holes in the ground (or wait, I could be totally wrong with this and have the people using holes in the ground actually be more neater than us.) Hmmmm......

Sun Day

Man, it's hot today.
I wouldn't know exactly how hot, since I haven't been out of the house since Thursday.
I've been holed up, boxed in, and every other figurative phrase short of saying I feel like crawling under a rock right now and staying there (It has to be one of those cool heat-repelling rocks though).
Suffice to say, all is not well right now.
But it will be, soon.

I miss going to that 24 hour shake stand in Bora. I refuse to name it now because my friend had a horrible experience there involving a unhospitable server, a not-so-alive something-something in her order, and a somewhat reluctantly given discount. Given their rep, I expected better treatment from that place. But this picture is not about that ill-fated shake. This is one of my regular P60 melon milk shakes that tides me over until the next meal (Post-lunch, pre-merienda.) Looks ordinary, but tastes oh-so heavenly.

I miss my usual mango papaya shakes. Although now, after discovering the unforgivably high sugar content of mangoes, I have been opting for melon as a better partner to my all-time fave papaya. I miss zoning out at the beach. I miss playing frisbee in the water. I miss what can only be described as my half-assed version of what is barely passable as snorkelling (I just like the floating feeling haha). Only when I'm there do I feel like such a kid again, taking naps in between meals and having three part dinners. No wonder most of my budget goes to trying out the new places and going back to my old haunts...

Summer is definitely here.
I've been scanning the local airline websites for good deals (which is never really a great idea if your feeling bad and just want to get away from it all)
I've been putting off trips to Palawan and Sagada for ages.
There's an open invite to go see another favorite cousin in HK until April, but I doubt I'll be headed there. HongKong just isn't HongKong if you can't afford to shop to your heart's delight. God, as much as I love Greenhills, the fashion at Mongkok gives me a whole other level of happiness....

I'm so missing the beach right now.
I like being there because
it's so far from the city (well, my city at least.)
I like being out of touch with my world.
Gotta see some unfamiliar things and shake off what needs to be let go.
Leave it far, far away
remember it. value it.
but then let it be.

Blame it on the Ballet

One day I finally woke up with the firm resolve to stop ignoring myself.
Oh me and my inner disputes...
Now I gotta listen to that teeny little voice that has been warning me about the changes ahead...

And how has it come to this?
Has my life really just become a series of endless gym classes, work appointments (not that I'm complaining) and the daily challenge of finding the most creative ways to kill time?
I've discovered there's not that many ways you can bluff your way through Life.

I don't want to have to look back and wish I could have been better, nicer or smarter about things.
I don't want to wish I had been less giving to others and more selfish about my own happiness.
I don't want to think about who I should have loved better and when was the "perfect time" for it to happen.
I don't want to put a rationale on every single heartbeat (But yes, I agree with Tina Turner. Sometimes, love has nothing to do with it).
In other words, what this basically means, is that I have a helluva lot of thinking to do.....

Thank god for dance class.
It has gotten me through sad times and has even saved me from myself.
It has moved me, challenged me and inspired me.
Without it, I would never know my limitations and my potentials.
It has helped me know myself better, positively or otherwise.

Nowadays, I find myself doing all sorts of moves,;
in the gym, at the dance floor, on the field.
It doesn't matter where. It's still gives me that same familiar high.
I always think, "When in doubt, dance."

P.S
This wasn't exactly my perfect choice for my first post for the year.
But I guess some thoughts will still have to remain bottled up inside waiting to be written about.

The Pain of Pursuit

I just found out I am a masochist.
I've never figured that out 'til a friend pointed out the exact same fact about himself which I could totally relate to. Man, what a revelation.
That we actually enjoy doing the pursuing instead of being the one pursued.
Sad, sad, sad. But I guess that's just the way it is.

Another friend said something cryptic the other day too.
"Maybe the only reason your still together is because your so far apart."
It wasn't really a hypothesis as much as it was an actual statement.
Will my life always be about ironic statements? Will irony always play a big part in my love life?

"He's sweet, but he's an underachiever."
"He's hardworking, but he's always too busy."
"He was nice, but not nice enough to stay."
"He was everything a boyfriend should be, but he didn't love me."
"He's perfect. but he's too far away."
"He's responsible, but he doesn't know what love really means."
"He wants me, but I don't love him."

Great. I am now officially a major whiner, OFF the field as well as on it.

Dammit, I know that there's more to life than just having guy problems.
Heck, the fact that i even HAVE guy problems is a big surprise to me sometimes.
I have it on good authority that these things beat money problems any day (which does not mean I have money. It just means I'd rather not worry about it.)

I could have it much worse, which is to not even have a love life to speak of.
Why else would I continue to blindly pursue these "chances" at a life long love, even if the odds are against me? Because to love is to have a life. To have someone, somewhere, thinking and feeling the exact same way about me. Because even if it may not last, I will still be so grateful it happened. But of course, every single time I keep hoping it'll be outlast everything else.
My happily ever after in the making.....
And because I'm just too busy right now to be bitter or jaded anyway.

A loved life, now THAT is what I have.

Dreary Day, Bright Outlook

It surprisingly rained alot today.
What started as this annoying trickle after midnight ended up being a full-blown downpour all morning. After a week of hot sun and dry weather (as evidenced by my weird-looking weekend sunburn after staying out in the sun all afternoon and forgetting to take off my shades), I guess everyone was kinda happy to get a chance to take out their windbreakers again.

Today I feel like I've got windburn on my lips too. Tres weird......
Thank God for Carmex. and Ziploc. and that snazzy sandwich maker that I've been planning to get for ages and ages (By ages, I mean I've been wishing for that food "iron" ever since I was a kid and got a taste of my tita's hot cheese melt sandwiches. Kind of like a prehistoric Hot Pocket. I also can't wait to try it on peanut butter and jelly too! Ah, the excitement that comes with promise of yummy inexpensive food.

Speaking of food, I've been drinking lots and lots of coconut juice since I found out that it would do my kidney good. I need to stay away from salty food. So basically, except for the lack of dentures, I have miraculously turned into having the diet of an 80-year-old, minus the arthritis. I have to rein in my pizza and pasta cravings. I guess that's fine. I can live with it as long as my sandwich maker is there to make me a happy camper.

I heard that the average lifespan in Korea is 80 while Japan has an even longer figure. Is it their diet? Their way of life? The weather? Or all of the above? Will a Filipino therefore, be able to live longer if they move to these countries? Now that I realize how much in danger my health may be, I keep thinking about what measures I can take to save it, if not prolong it. I love living, I love feeling what I feel. I welcome pain because it helps me enjoy being okay so much more. I remember the sad times because it makes the happy ones even more significant. It's okay to not always feel okay. I'm glad I know that now.

I got some unexpected but welcome news last night which I think might be the reason why I'm unusually, uncontrollably, decidedly happy (despite the lack of sleep, and usual shirking of responsibilities I've managed to accumulate). The thing I least expected to happen anytime soon might turn out to be the first big thing to occur next year. Thank god. I thought I'd never get this same chance again. I can't wait.

Soulitude

I think I'm watching a movie by myself today.

Not that I planned to.
My favorite movie date bailed on me unexpectedly because of a family matter.
No worries, I just plan to enjoy the weekend (Weekends for me, in case you were wondering, start at the precise moment I step out of the office lobby every friday.)
I LOVE fridays.

Plus, with the disappointing results of my recent medical exam, i think I deserve a little treat.
I don't really want to talk about it. It just means added expenses, medication and a re-test by next week. Turns out I'm not exactly the healthy individual I aspire to be.
Not to sound like the total drama queen, but I never have been totally without affliction.

Yesterday was the day everyone at work gets their anti-flu shots for the year.
I, of course, have never really felt the least bit squeamish about needles. After being opened up, scraped into and stitched up so many times in the past, one tiny little prick seems like a breeze. I was waiting in line with the rest of the headless chickens in the office when the nurse announced that anybody with any sort of allergy cannot have shots. "It might even kill you," she stresses. Geez, no wonder I keep getting the flu. I don't recall getting a flu shot in my entire life EVER (okay, maybe at infancy i did. But considering that right now I have the memory span of a hamster, how much worse it must have been when I couldn't even talk yet.)
So, there goes a bummed, dejected me, not being able to take advantage of one of the few and far between freebies work has to offer and feeling like a sad sorry little turd for having so many allergies (my allergen list is crazy. How I lasted this long on earth is a wonder.)

Anyway, back to my evening plans. I cannot stress enough how much I love the movies. It took me awhile to appreciate watching with a crowd (especially a noisy, uncultured one often found in local densely-populated malls), but after seeing those dingy, old neighborhood theaters in the States (except for AMC, I love them.), I have a newfound appreciation for our nice movie megaplexes. The ticket price is a bit high over here for the average Pinoy, but it's discriminating enough that you don't have to worry about sitting beside some perv. But geez, it makes you wonder about things when the price of a movie ticket is considered half a day's work for a minimum wage worker....

Right now, I don't even care what's showing (although The Golden Compass looks very promising. Too bad it comes out in December pa), I just love the whole experience. Watching a movie is a big production for me. The choice of snacks can even be just as crucial as deciding what to watch. Minsan, pag bitin yung nabili mo or too much naman, it affects everything. Well at least thats the case when it comes to me. My motto when it comes to watching movies is "Minsan ka nalang din manuod, itodo mo na." After all, Isn't it the reason we work ourselves to the bone each day, if not to enable us to do what we love doing?

I don't mind being alone. In fact, I'm used to it. Which kinda scares me a little.
One shouldn't feel so comfortable like this.
It keeps people away.
Although solitude should be welcomed every so often, it is something that can or should be shared too. Thats why I'm so loving my pilates and flow yoga class right now.
It's the only way I can get my mind to rest.

Here's to a happy weekend.

Things I'm not supposed to do (abroad)

(Foreword: this post is actually a really old one from months ago while i was still abroad. I'm lifting it off my friendster blog so that I can start putting my entries in just one site. That, and I'm also too lazy right now to write any new ones.)

Okay here's the deal.

I'm abroad so everything's supposed to be different.

The food, the scenery, the culture and the people.

I decided I want to take it all in.

Fill up my senses with information and just take it all home.

I want to go to every museum, landmark, event and heck even supermarkets and just feast my eyes on the new, the weird and the mundane.

I want to remember everything.

But aside from that resolution, I never thought I'd be learning more about myself in the process.

Here are the list of things I've done (whether voluntary or not) that are so undoubtedly Filipino:

1. Lily's peanut butter

I have always favored this brand over the imported stuff. My cousins say it takes more like sugar than peanut. I say US brands like Skippy and Goober taste more like peanut than sugar. So what? I grew up with this stuff. I happen to like it whether its on bread, pita, crackers, bananas or just by eating a big dollop off a spoon. I guess it's useless to argue the point. It may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but thats just my third world (un)common sensibility kicking in. It's cheap (well, maybe not over here. It costs almost $3 a bottle. An almost 200% profit for asian stores). So far, I've bought at least 3 or 4 bottles during my stay here. Crazy huh? Just like getting a little piece of home.

2. Karaoke

This is definitely a staple in any Filipino party here in the states. It goes with the "smile-though-your-heart-is-aching" mentality we Pinoys have. People may complain about loneliness, money troubles and stress over here, but once someone starts belting out a tune, everyone becomes happy again. Even some Filipino restaurants have it. We frequently visit this one place in San Jose which is open til 2am everyday because of their videoke hours. They also offer discounts on the food if you sing (I have no idea if this also applies to off-key singing as that goes against the whole theory that singing will make people want to stay)

3. Filipino restos

I've always wondered why with the proliferation of Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese and Korean restos, there is a glaring disparity in the number of Pinoy places to eat. Somebody pointed out to me that Pinoys scrimp on the serving size. Another person told me that they overprice things. So I checked out Goldilocks, Barrio Fiesta, Gerry's Grill and a bunch of other home cooking restos. (Jollibee doesn't count. It's the same menu, but you have to order rice as a side dish).

Goldilocks

Goldilocks is the only place I've eaten at over here that actually counts the number of meat and actually lessens the serving in front of you. No wonder only Pinoys eat there. But it's always packed though.

Barrio Fiesta

Barrio Fiesta's interiors look the same as their local counterpart, only stuffier. The waiters have been there for ages and ages already and the staff is very attentive. Definitely first-world customer service. Their $4.50 halo-halo was okay, but the leche flan (which is like the piece de resistance of any halo-halo in my opinion was exceptionally disappointing). It tasted worse than ready-to-make flan you buy at the supermarket.

Gerry's Grill (Union city)

It was a pleasant surprise to know that one of my favorite sisig places had opened near my cousin's house. But I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up too high. They had obviously adjusted their cooking to suit foreigner's tastes already. The chicharon bulaklak was almost all meat (which is actually a good thing). Everything else was fine. They were kinda pricey though. Must be because of the cool interiors. Unlike other Pinoy restos, Gerry's definitely put a premium on good ambiance.

Chowking and Red Ribbon

I havent actually gone there yet, although I've passed by these places so many times. They close early so I can never grab a bite to eat there after my games. Looks promising though, my cousin says the dimsum is good.

Atbp.

I don't know why so many Filipino places here look like your average carinderia or canteen in Manila. Whether the price of upkeep is too high or they simply don't bother with appearances, it just doesn't cut it as compared to other asian places (but in fairness, the toilets are always clean and tidy unlike better looking Chinese restos. ugh). I find it funny that the older pa-sosyal people who lived in Manila before go to these places alot. Pero when they go back to the Philippines, hindi mo sila mapapapasok sa ganung lugar. Oh the hyprocrisy nga naman. When they're in Manila, they wanna look rich because they're "stateside," but when they come back here, they're as bakya as you can get.

3. Halo-halo

It's summertime so Pinoys just love to go out and cool off. My lola loves it when we take her out for this treat if a dozen or so delights (hehe pahiram ng tagline Icebergs...). The price of halo-halo here averages from $3.50 to $4.50. Wala pang tax yan ha. I would rather order sago & gulaman, but I cannot part with my $3.75 for something I know probably cost them less than a quarter to make. The problem is with getting halo-halo at Pinoy eateries is that your never quite sure what your getting. Minsan masarap, minsan hindi. The worst problem would be if they ran out of your favorite ingredient (it doesnt matter if its a major or minor flavor, one place even had the gall to charge us full price even though they ran out of leche flan AND ube!). And when I went to complain... "Ay, pasensya na po, madami kasing nag-order nyan kahapon eh. Kaya naubusan na kami." Geez. As if stating these facts automatically absolves him of substandard food quality AND not being forthright to the customer. This is why I love American customer service standards. I actually abhor that saying "Kung maikli ang kumot, matutong bumaluktot."

4. Malling

I'm staying at a place near the Great Mall (which I think really isn't so great and worthy of it's name. Come to think of it, they should've named MOA the Great Mall of Asia. Now thats a "great" mall if your talking of sheer size alone. Nevermind the store arrangements...). I haven't really done alot of malling since most malls here are just one or two storeys high. Parang ali mall lang. But I've visited most of the major malls in the area. There's Valley Fair and Santana Row which is our equivalent of Rockwell or Greenbelt. Then there's Sunridge and Eastridge (I cant tell them apart) which would remind me of Galleria or ATC except that I find them inferior in aesthetics. Hay... miss ko na talaga ang Gateway.

5. Movies

I thought my movie watching addiction would subside over here (given the $9-10 price range) but I guess that was not meant to be. Thank you God for $6 matinee shows and double features. Thank you $2-5 DVD sales at Hollywood and Blockbuster video. Thank you Netflix for getting me through my housesitting weekends! I can't remember everything I've watched but Disturbia, Spiderman 3, A Mighty Heart, Transformers, and Sicko top the bunch.

Whose line is it anyway?

I felt like that day went on forever.

Last week, I had to go to all these government offices to get different documents.
And boy oh boy, was I in for one heck of an afternoon.
There were lines that felt like they would never ever end.
From the line to get the application/renewal forms, the line for payments, down to line where all you have to do is wait for your request to be released. Each line was like one constant challenge after another.
Lines that zigged and zagged and looped and looked impossibly, seriously crazy.
I don't understand why people's heads don't just explode from the lack of order.
No wonder Filipinos are considered tolerant people.

In the city hall, all documents have to paid for at the cashier's office at the second floor. From the twenty thousand peso transactions to the twenty peso fees, you all end up falling into one line that apparently can stretch unto infinity (i kid you not. I can go on and on about this and still be dumbfounded at how long these lines can get).

Anyway, it's a good lesson in practicing (or in my case, learning) the virtue of patience. Except for the fact that I can totally feel the guy behind me almost rubbing up against me (not because he wants to, but because another dude is rubbing up against him!), which is supposed to nudge me a few centimeters forward. Not a pretty site I tell you. And when we finally get into the area inside the cashier's office, (the line starts to snake around just when you go up the stairs and reaches all through the hall) the "snake" breaks off into four or five mini "snakes' (depending on which cashier unceremoniously decides to take a break). But this fact won't really be evident when you reach the door, God only knows how people figure it out. So on one end, you got this loooong line and then you got these small lines ahead which people don't really notice til they've gotten tired of watching other people pass them by.

But just to give you an idea of Philippine politics at its simplest, this police guy comes in and starts talking to this clerk on break. The clerk is counting a thick wad of cash and obviously balancing his books. But the police dude kept badgering him about his fees. Of course everyone is honed in on what is transpiring and I could totally see a big mad rush of people miraculously appearing behind the police guy once the clerk decides to do business. But as if that weren't bad enough, the cashier announces (like he's probably done it a million times before) that he's not really opening his lane, he just needs to help out Mr. Stereotypically-corrupt-and-lazy-police Guy because he has more important things to do than fall in line unlike you mere mortal citizens.

It's bad enough that they can't protect us from criminals, harass us in traffic and instill seeping fear whenever they approach us anywhere, but to get ahead like that so blatantly, with such audacity, is one of the major reasons which makes me want to live the rest of my life elsewhere.
I mean, I used to be a pretty crazy driver, which is probably why I get the creeps whenever I see a traffic cop near my ride. But the cops abroad just didn't have that same "I-might-plant-something-on-you" vibe as the ones we have over here.

Wait conscious

I am now officially 20 pounds overweight.
After my first ever appointment with a nutritionist, I have now confirmed what I have already known since I decided to start my undying tempestuous love affair with dark chocolate. ("I know it's wrong, but who am I to resist?")
But it ain't so bad, I honestly thought I needed to lose more than double that.
Stupid, distorted me.

Anyway, the nutrition lady said I had 3-5 months to attain this goal.
I thought my agonizing toothache from weeks ago would've helped slim me down by now.
Even the ache from the unexpected tooth impaction is still making its presence known until now.
But all those yummy coffee jelly concoctions have been proving me otherwise.
Darn you, you jelly-like, lovely sugary, wiggly-jiggly, cheap and affordable little things.

I am pretty dead set on attaining this goal.
Bar birthdays, christmas & new year parties and the occasional trip to my favorite new japanese green tea cafe (I love you Kozui!), I will be lean again.
I guess it is kinda neat not to be able to afford everything after all.
No wonder there aren't too many overweight poets in the world.

I read in a popular magazine that guys find women who aren't self-conscious more attractive than those who are.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh, but how you carry that weight around that attracts guys.
Really?
So I wonder where sporty girls come in on that equation.
Sports give you self-confidence. But does it give you too much that guys (especially the local kind) find it too intimidating for their taste?
Honestly, I just can't win.

But except for being irritated at my extra flab, I am pretty happy with the way I look.
I love my body because it hasn't failed me (yet).
I'm just hoping this crick in my knee miraculously goes away (yeah right).
But all in all, i'm alright.
I am so glad I can say that.
Goodbye fat, just you wait.

All is well

I'm back.
After reading a couple of my old posts, It kinda got me missing the whole blogging business.
I never thought I would enjoy it in the first place, but here I am now satisfying an unexpected need. (which is especially good after wracking my brain trying to finish two long articles on a lazy sunday when I'm supposed to be out on the field training with my team)

I've been freelancing ever since I got back. Kinda cool. Been up to my neck with stuff to do, pictorials and events to attend, articles to write and people to meet. It's so easy to kill time when all you want to do is get the year over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Of course, it goes without saying I'm broke too. One can't live on babysitting and housesitting alone for the past six months, dollar earnings or not.
But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world.

You name it, I've written it by now. Ever since I got back I've accepted all sorts of stuff from different publications. Mommy mags, sports mags, celebrity gossip mags and even toyed with the idea of getting into corporate stuff. I use up my money for transpo, internet cafe expenses and of course in order to continue my preference for anything-but-fast-food grub. I feel like upchucking at the thought of eating another microwaveable meal or Hot Pockets this year. It was fun for a week or two, but that stuff is just dpwnright nasty if you had to eat it everyday. If that's one reason why I'm glad to be back, it would be because of that. Here in the Philippines, you don't need to resort to super-mega-over processed food just to get by. I have recently discovered a friendly neighborhood resto masquerading as a carinderia and so far, with their P40 kare-kare and P35 beef steak, I am one happy camper.

I've also recently had to bid a sad adieu to one of my lesser beloved molars, but thats a whole other (whiny) story altogether.

soccer scenes

Fire Boars

This is my first entry for the year.
No much to write. yet.

I could always talk about how I quit work, got sick, got well, and then got sick again.
Yeah, that would make for a great Valentine's story.
I know, I know, new year... but it's still the same old me.

Not In The Mood

I'm not really feeling up to writing anything today, particularly for this week.
Especially this week.
But since I haven't exactly been dutiful in updating my blog, I figured I might as well "unload" today...

I am on a self-imposed diet starting this week.
It's called the "someone-stole-all-my-money-last-weekend-and-I-have-to-scrimp-for-a-few-weeks" diet. Ever heard of it?
Only side effects are the occasional feeling of being stunned/shocked/paralyzed with disbelief at the thought that you had been deprived of what you own.
I know I'm hyping it up again (sympathetic friends have told me to let this issue go as I should be thankful that worse things didn't happen), but the feeling just plain sucks.
Here I am trying my darnedest to be thrifty (that's short for "something short of being a scrooge"), buying nice things only if they're at least 40-70% off, foregoing going out to shave off added expenses ("Let's skip the bar scene and just kill time at the gym and dance til-we-drop for free!"), and deprive myself of some supposedly minute details, ("Oh I guess I don't really need that new gym bag, the seams on my old one can hang in there for a few more months, little holes adding up and all.")

What kills me is that if I had known I'd be ripped off like this, I shouldn't have tortured myself waiting for those killer New Balance trainers to go on sale, while at the same time being stressed all the while that maybe by the time that they DO go on sale, my size would've already have been sold at regular price! (I should explain: I rarely splurge on anything, and when I do, it's always gonna be on a pricey pair of cross-trainers, my brand of choice for the past few years having been New Balance, or as a snazzy-but-not-as-comfortable runner-up, Nike. But rarely, and I mean RARELY do I find a pair that really "speaks" to me. And when I do, this is usually a pair I know I'll end up thinking about alot, so I might as well get it regardless of the tag price. But of course, there has to be some sort of discount or else I'll just wait it out like the rest of the hoi polloi.

Anyway, I've never really had anything stolen from me (except maybe an almost empty wallet with my pager clipped to it back in college). I've lost tons of stuff. Stuff I probably don't even know I've lost til maybe years later and it just pops into my head. But it's negligible. I buy cheap stuff all the time. Which makes it less heartbreaking when it's gone. But if it's lost jewelry or money, well that's tough luck. But I guess the bigger issue for me (which kinda betrays how naively I view the world) is that It still escapes me how these things can happen and keep on happening. I can't put into words my exact sentiments about this, but the feeling of helplessness is there. I feel bad that I can't do anything to change the situation, except maybe my attitude to it. It will not make me jaded. It should make me more careful.

I'm Happy, you think?

Aren't consistent people wonderful?
The good are always on or near the good path while the bad stay on theirs.
There isn't much figuring out to be done.
No wishywashyness going on. No shocking news. Life is steady.
I'm too old for surprises.

I think consistency is a sign of a strong character.
It takes guts to be true to who you are, to adhere to what you believe in, and to never waiver in opinion, despite the odds.
I'm not assuming you are consistently good. In fact, you may as well be consistently bad, and I'd probably still respect you anyway. I prefer to see the true colors rather than the fabricated pretty ones.

Dark Chocolate

There's alot I have to be thankful for today.
But not all exactly in a perfect way.

Sometimes gratitude comes in the form of long-lost friends who call up out-of-the-blue just to check in on you. I guess true friends are like that. They stick with you even if you think your the most horribly unagreeable person in the whole wide world already. Or maybe, they've ESP-ed their way into your brain to weed out any a**holes you might be associating with instead of them. My friend Joey is like this. God knows why she still keeps me. I am about as useful to her as a mud-ugly, deflated football(and she doesn't even play either). We had our days/months/years even, where we lost touch, but she just manages to reconnect and it's like we never missed a days worth of gossip in each others lives. Thanks for coming back jo.

Sometimes closure can come in the form of news. Good or bad, news is news. I had been wanting to hear news about someone whom I hoped to god did not die a horrible death or get all his fingers, lips, and ears cut off (which was supposed to logically explain why he has not replied to any form of communication). A friend even suggested I pray for news, which I did. Not exactly the type to engage in fervent dialogue with God everyday, I prayed. Not for what I wanted, but for him to get what he wanted. And I guess he did. Thankfully, he did not get any of his appendages cut off, nor is he living on the streets. He is, as I can assume, happy and well. And better off without me.

Sometimes regret can come in the form of two things: action or inaction. You either regret not doing something, or you regret something you did which you wish you had not done in the first place. I usually pride myself in saying I have no regrets. Ha. Who am I kidding? Apparently, almost all my regrets were regrets of action taken. Too much action, apparently, is enough to kill any kind of relationship. Maybe things will be better if I just took the backseat view from now on....

Sometimes happiness comes in the form of cheap thrills like spending the day exactly the way you want it. Last Wednesday felt like my birthday. It was great. I guess spending time with family can do that to you. I finally convinced the fam to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am and hie off to a water spa for an early morning dip. swear to god I love those hot, hot, hot herbal pools. But what i love most is dunking myself in the ice-cold whirlpool afterwards (I swear to god, it would freeze my balls off, if I had any. I kid you not!). Then we had breakfast, followed by coffee and cappuccino cheesecake afterwards. Then it was off to work. My perfect day.

Sometimes love for work can come in the most mundane of circumstances. It's great when you chance upon people purchasing your magazine. But it's a a million times greater when you see them walk out of the store and hurriedly open the mag just to see whats inside already. This lady I shared the elevator with couldn't even wait til she got to her car to check out what's in our latest issue. Now if that isn't the biggest compliment, I don't know what is....

Idiot-syncrasies

The rains finally stopped today.
Time to bring out the leggings and ballet flats again.
I've been hiding under layers and layers of sloppy clothing the past few days (great excuse to wear two jackets at the same time.)
So easy to slide into that routine of looking androgynous and apathetic.
The thing with clothing, even when you try not to look like you pieced together an outift, whether you just opted for grunge or sporty or goth, truth is you still cared enough to choose what to wear to pull off that exact un-put-together look.
An ex of mine once commented "You dress like you just put on whatever you got from your closet without looking, at least that's what you want people to think."
Much to my dismay, he's right. I have to agree.
I won't wear just anything.
A girl has got to have some standards, at least in that department.

Love Life

Clarification: the title of this entry was meant to be a statement rather than any romantic happening

Finally, i'm getting the chance to write stuff I actually love.
Not to say that I hate talking about celebrities, because even I gotta admit, there are worse things to do in the world (like being the guy who rides cramped jeepneys just to squish in between female passengers and hopefully cop a feel).
I've been wanting to get involved for the longest time in something I can be passionate about (men not necessarily included) and I think I've found it in this org I joined. Won't write about it speciifically for now. I feel like it's too early and I'm too much of a newbie to even think I can speak about them. All I know for now is, all this time, it's just been so stupid of me to realize that I've been uninvolved but aware about them all these years.

Of course I wasn't too confident about my writing skills back then. Not to say it's any good now (my friendster profile still stands: a wannabe writer during weekdays and wannabe athlete turned gym rat on weekends). it's just that I haven't been having much self-doubt lately. And boy oh boy, I could definitely run for Queen of Self-Doubt in those days.

So now here I am gloating on my blog about things I haven't written yet. (thats what blogs are for right? Gloating to humans kinda has risk for backlash in ways I don't even wanna ponder right now)
I just pitched some half-baked stories that have been swimming in my head all these years (including that idea for a book that I wanna do if I had the street cred to write an actual book) and I figured, heck, if I pitch 10 stories then there's gotta be some chance of at least one of them getting a go-ahead. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll like two.
Well I just got feedback, and not only am I gonna write one story soon, apparently I'll be writing about all of my pitches in succession! Coolness. Rad. Cowabunga (all my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles expressions seem to spurt out when I feel like gloating.

So there, I admit. I'm pretty happy today.
Even the rain looks lovely outside.

I Don't Get You

You my friend, are an enigma.
I've known you for so long and still you won't let me understand.
You wrack my brain and you've tread on my heart
And still i keep on caring....

Caring for what you may ask?
For our friendship, for your future, for everything we've ever shared.
(Or maybe it was all in my head)
What was in your head all these years?
I still don't know.

And you say you're the one who needs rescuing......