Whose line is it anyway?

I felt like that day went on forever.

Last week, I had to go to all these government offices to get different documents.
And boy oh boy, was I in for one heck of an afternoon.
There were lines that felt like they would never ever end.
From the line to get the application/renewal forms, the line for payments, down to line where all you have to do is wait for your request to be released. Each line was like one constant challenge after another.
Lines that zigged and zagged and looped and looked impossibly, seriously crazy.
I don't understand why people's heads don't just explode from the lack of order.
No wonder Filipinos are considered tolerant people.

In the city hall, all documents have to paid for at the cashier's office at the second floor. From the twenty thousand peso transactions to the twenty peso fees, you all end up falling into one line that apparently can stretch unto infinity (i kid you not. I can go on and on about this and still be dumbfounded at how long these lines can get).

Anyway, it's a good lesson in practicing (or in my case, learning) the virtue of patience. Except for the fact that I can totally feel the guy behind me almost rubbing up against me (not because he wants to, but because another dude is rubbing up against him!), which is supposed to nudge me a few centimeters forward. Not a pretty site I tell you. And when we finally get into the area inside the cashier's office, (the line starts to snake around just when you go up the stairs and reaches all through the hall) the "snake" breaks off into four or five mini "snakes' (depending on which cashier unceremoniously decides to take a break). But this fact won't really be evident when you reach the door, God only knows how people figure it out. So on one end, you got this loooong line and then you got these small lines ahead which people don't really notice til they've gotten tired of watching other people pass them by.

But just to give you an idea of Philippine politics at its simplest, this police guy comes in and starts talking to this clerk on break. The clerk is counting a thick wad of cash and obviously balancing his books. But the police dude kept badgering him about his fees. Of course everyone is honed in on what is transpiring and I could totally see a big mad rush of people miraculously appearing behind the police guy once the clerk decides to do business. But as if that weren't bad enough, the cashier announces (like he's probably done it a million times before) that he's not really opening his lane, he just needs to help out Mr. Stereotypically-corrupt-and-lazy-police Guy because he has more important things to do than fall in line unlike you mere mortal citizens.

It's bad enough that they can't protect us from criminals, harass us in traffic and instill seeping fear whenever they approach us anywhere, but to get ahead like that so blatantly, with such audacity, is one of the major reasons which makes me want to live the rest of my life elsewhere.
I mean, I used to be a pretty crazy driver, which is probably why I get the creeps whenever I see a traffic cop near my ride. But the cops abroad just didn't have that same "I-might-plant-something-on-you" vibe as the ones we have over here.

Wait conscious

I am now officially 20 pounds overweight.
After my first ever appointment with a nutritionist, I have now confirmed what I have already known since I decided to start my undying tempestuous love affair with dark chocolate. ("I know it's wrong, but who am I to resist?")
But it ain't so bad, I honestly thought I needed to lose more than double that.
Stupid, distorted me.

Anyway, the nutrition lady said I had 3-5 months to attain this goal.
I thought my agonizing toothache from weeks ago would've helped slim me down by now.
Even the ache from the unexpected tooth impaction is still making its presence known until now.
But all those yummy coffee jelly concoctions have been proving me otherwise.
Darn you, you jelly-like, lovely sugary, wiggly-jiggly, cheap and affordable little things.

I am pretty dead set on attaining this goal.
Bar birthdays, christmas & new year parties and the occasional trip to my favorite new japanese green tea cafe (I love you Kozui!), I will be lean again.
I guess it is kinda neat not to be able to afford everything after all.
No wonder there aren't too many overweight poets in the world.

I read in a popular magazine that guys find women who aren't self-conscious more attractive than those who are.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh, but how you carry that weight around that attracts guys.
Really?
So I wonder where sporty girls come in on that equation.
Sports give you self-confidence. But does it give you too much that guys (especially the local kind) find it too intimidating for their taste?
Honestly, I just can't win.

But except for being irritated at my extra flab, I am pretty happy with the way I look.
I love my body because it hasn't failed me (yet).
I'm just hoping this crick in my knee miraculously goes away (yeah right).
But all in all, i'm alright.
I am so glad I can say that.
Goodbye fat, just you wait.

All is well

I'm back.
After reading a couple of my old posts, It kinda got me missing the whole blogging business.
I never thought I would enjoy it in the first place, but here I am now satisfying an unexpected need. (which is especially good after wracking my brain trying to finish two long articles on a lazy sunday when I'm supposed to be out on the field training with my team)

I've been freelancing ever since I got back. Kinda cool. Been up to my neck with stuff to do, pictorials and events to attend, articles to write and people to meet. It's so easy to kill time when all you want to do is get the year over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Of course, it goes without saying I'm broke too. One can't live on babysitting and housesitting alone for the past six months, dollar earnings or not.
But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world.

You name it, I've written it by now. Ever since I got back I've accepted all sorts of stuff from different publications. Mommy mags, sports mags, celebrity gossip mags and even toyed with the idea of getting into corporate stuff. I use up my money for transpo, internet cafe expenses and of course in order to continue my preference for anything-but-fast-food grub. I feel like upchucking at the thought of eating another microwaveable meal or Hot Pockets this year. It was fun for a week or two, but that stuff is just dpwnright nasty if you had to eat it everyday. If that's one reason why I'm glad to be back, it would be because of that. Here in the Philippines, you don't need to resort to super-mega-over processed food just to get by. I have recently discovered a friendly neighborhood resto masquerading as a carinderia and so far, with their P40 kare-kare and P35 beef steak, I am one happy camper.

I've also recently had to bid a sad adieu to one of my lesser beloved molars, but thats a whole other (whiny) story altogether.

soccer scenes

Fire Boars

This is my first entry for the year.
No much to write. yet.

I could always talk about how I quit work, got sick, got well, and then got sick again.
Yeah, that would make for a great Valentine's story.
I know, I know, new year... but it's still the same old me.

Not In The Mood

I'm not really feeling up to writing anything today, particularly for this week.
Especially this week.
But since I haven't exactly been dutiful in updating my blog, I figured I might as well "unload" today...

I am on a self-imposed diet starting this week.
It's called the "someone-stole-all-my-money-last-weekend-and-I-have-to-scrimp-for-a-few-weeks" diet. Ever heard of it?
Only side effects are the occasional feeling of being stunned/shocked/paralyzed with disbelief at the thought that you had been deprived of what you own.
I know I'm hyping it up again (sympathetic friends have told me to let this issue go as I should be thankful that worse things didn't happen), but the feeling just plain sucks.
Here I am trying my darnedest to be thrifty (that's short for "something short of being a scrooge"), buying nice things only if they're at least 40-70% off, foregoing going out to shave off added expenses ("Let's skip the bar scene and just kill time at the gym and dance til-we-drop for free!"), and deprive myself of some supposedly minute details, ("Oh I guess I don't really need that new gym bag, the seams on my old one can hang in there for a few more months, little holes adding up and all.")

What kills me is that if I had known I'd be ripped off like this, I shouldn't have tortured myself waiting for those killer New Balance trainers to go on sale, while at the same time being stressed all the while that maybe by the time that they DO go on sale, my size would've already have been sold at regular price! (I should explain: I rarely splurge on anything, and when I do, it's always gonna be on a pricey pair of cross-trainers, my brand of choice for the past few years having been New Balance, or as a snazzy-but-not-as-comfortable runner-up, Nike. But rarely, and I mean RARELY do I find a pair that really "speaks" to me. And when I do, this is usually a pair I know I'll end up thinking about alot, so I might as well get it regardless of the tag price. But of course, there has to be some sort of discount or else I'll just wait it out like the rest of the hoi polloi.

Anyway, I've never really had anything stolen from me (except maybe an almost empty wallet with my pager clipped to it back in college). I've lost tons of stuff. Stuff I probably don't even know I've lost til maybe years later and it just pops into my head. But it's negligible. I buy cheap stuff all the time. Which makes it less heartbreaking when it's gone. But if it's lost jewelry or money, well that's tough luck. But I guess the bigger issue for me (which kinda betrays how naively I view the world) is that It still escapes me how these things can happen and keep on happening. I can't put into words my exact sentiments about this, but the feeling of helplessness is there. I feel bad that I can't do anything to change the situation, except maybe my attitude to it. It will not make me jaded. It should make me more careful.

I'm Happy, you think?

Aren't consistent people wonderful?
The good are always on or near the good path while the bad stay on theirs.
There isn't much figuring out to be done.
No wishywashyness going on. No shocking news. Life is steady.
I'm too old for surprises.

I think consistency is a sign of a strong character.
It takes guts to be true to who you are, to adhere to what you believe in, and to never waiver in opinion, despite the odds.
I'm not assuming you are consistently good. In fact, you may as well be consistently bad, and I'd probably still respect you anyway. I prefer to see the true colors rather than the fabricated pretty ones.

Dark Chocolate

There's alot I have to be thankful for today.
But not all exactly in a perfect way.

Sometimes gratitude comes in the form of long-lost friends who call up out-of-the-blue just to check in on you. I guess true friends are like that. They stick with you even if you think your the most horribly unagreeable person in the whole wide world already. Or maybe, they've ESP-ed their way into your brain to weed out any a**holes you might be associating with instead of them. My friend Joey is like this. God knows why she still keeps me. I am about as useful to her as a mud-ugly, deflated football(and she doesn't even play either). We had our days/months/years even, where we lost touch, but she just manages to reconnect and it's like we never missed a days worth of gossip in each others lives. Thanks for coming back jo.

Sometimes closure can come in the form of news. Good or bad, news is news. I had been wanting to hear news about someone whom I hoped to god did not die a horrible death or get all his fingers, lips, and ears cut off (which was supposed to logically explain why he has not replied to any form of communication). A friend even suggested I pray for news, which I did. Not exactly the type to engage in fervent dialogue with God everyday, I prayed. Not for what I wanted, but for him to get what he wanted. And I guess he did. Thankfully, he did not get any of his appendages cut off, nor is he living on the streets. He is, as I can assume, happy and well. And better off without me.

Sometimes regret can come in the form of two things: action or inaction. You either regret not doing something, or you regret something you did which you wish you had not done in the first place. I usually pride myself in saying I have no regrets. Ha. Who am I kidding? Apparently, almost all my regrets were regrets of action taken. Too much action, apparently, is enough to kill any kind of relationship. Maybe things will be better if I just took the backseat view from now on....

Sometimes happiness comes in the form of cheap thrills like spending the day exactly the way you want it. Last Wednesday felt like my birthday. It was great. I guess spending time with family can do that to you. I finally convinced the fam to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am and hie off to a water spa for an early morning dip. swear to god I love those hot, hot, hot herbal pools. But what i love most is dunking myself in the ice-cold whirlpool afterwards (I swear to god, it would freeze my balls off, if I had any. I kid you not!). Then we had breakfast, followed by coffee and cappuccino cheesecake afterwards. Then it was off to work. My perfect day.

Sometimes love for work can come in the most mundane of circumstances. It's great when you chance upon people purchasing your magazine. But it's a a million times greater when you see them walk out of the store and hurriedly open the mag just to see whats inside already. This lady I shared the elevator with couldn't even wait til she got to her car to check out what's in our latest issue. Now if that isn't the biggest compliment, I don't know what is....

Idiot-syncrasies

The rains finally stopped today.
Time to bring out the leggings and ballet flats again.
I've been hiding under layers and layers of sloppy clothing the past few days (great excuse to wear two jackets at the same time.)
So easy to slide into that routine of looking androgynous and apathetic.
The thing with clothing, even when you try not to look like you pieced together an outift, whether you just opted for grunge or sporty or goth, truth is you still cared enough to choose what to wear to pull off that exact un-put-together look.
An ex of mine once commented "You dress like you just put on whatever you got from your closet without looking, at least that's what you want people to think."
Much to my dismay, he's right. I have to agree.
I won't wear just anything.
A girl has got to have some standards, at least in that department.

Love Life

Clarification: the title of this entry was meant to be a statement rather than any romantic happening

Finally, i'm getting the chance to write stuff I actually love.
Not to say that I hate talking about celebrities, because even I gotta admit, there are worse things to do in the world (like being the guy who rides cramped jeepneys just to squish in between female passengers and hopefully cop a feel).
I've been wanting to get involved for the longest time in something I can be passionate about (men not necessarily included) and I think I've found it in this org I joined. Won't write about it speciifically for now. I feel like it's too early and I'm too much of a newbie to even think I can speak about them. All I know for now is, all this time, it's just been so stupid of me to realize that I've been uninvolved but aware about them all these years.

Of course I wasn't too confident about my writing skills back then. Not to say it's any good now (my friendster profile still stands: a wannabe writer during weekdays and wannabe athlete turned gym rat on weekends). it's just that I haven't been having much self-doubt lately. And boy oh boy, I could definitely run for Queen of Self-Doubt in those days.

So now here I am gloating on my blog about things I haven't written yet. (thats what blogs are for right? Gloating to humans kinda has risk for backlash in ways I don't even wanna ponder right now)
I just pitched some half-baked stories that have been swimming in my head all these years (including that idea for a book that I wanna do if I had the street cred to write an actual book) and I figured, heck, if I pitch 10 stories then there's gotta be some chance of at least one of them getting a go-ahead. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll like two.
Well I just got feedback, and not only am I gonna write one story soon, apparently I'll be writing about all of my pitches in succession! Coolness. Rad. Cowabunga (all my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles expressions seem to spurt out when I feel like gloating.

So there, I admit. I'm pretty happy today.
Even the rain looks lovely outside.

I Don't Get You

You my friend, are an enigma.
I've known you for so long and still you won't let me understand.
You wrack my brain and you've tread on my heart
And still i keep on caring....

Caring for what you may ask?
For our friendship, for your future, for everything we've ever shared.
(Or maybe it was all in my head)
What was in your head all these years?
I still don't know.

And you say you're the one who needs rescuing......

Dazed

I haven't slept in over 30 hours.
By choice, not because of some nagging depressive state of mind that usually keeps me awake because of thoughts i like to wallow in.

I'm not usually as adventurous as people think I am. I like routine. I like looking forward to starting the same consistent cycle in a brand new spanking day.
Which is why I don't really do well with impromptu invitations.
My first impulse is always to decline.
Call me anti-social, but maybe I've gotten used to small groups.
But anyway, some old old ghosts from the past insisted that we meet up, and even as I continually discourage them from wasting any more time and text money on me, they still decided to show up in front of my house anyway.
At 2 in the morning.

So off we went, not having anywhere in particular we were supposed to go to. Ended up driving around alot and even discovered some literal dead ends along the way (blame it on our tipsy driver who started drinking early in the evening. Apparently, they all just felt like going out. Getting out is more like it. Out of life, out of their loves, out of everything that restrains us from being who we truly want to be. How liberating, if only for just a few quick hours.

We ended up at someone's house. Drinking and talking. As usual, I had about one fourth of what everybody else had drunk, but ended up being the reddest come going home time. And speaking of going home time, I got back to my house at 11am. Helluva time to get back to sleep. So I didn't.

Sleep will come to me. But it's gotta catch me first. Haha. I'm still dazed

Amiss

If there were three questions you wish you could ask someone now, whom you won't have the chance to ask ever again, what would it be? Here's mine.

1. Regrets aside, why'd you do it?
2. At what point did you realize that this could be a turning point in your life?
3. What has changed you the most?

Flipflapping

I have absolutely no idea what the word "flipflapping" means.
And since it probably doesn't mean anything conclusive, I'm taking it to mean whatever I want to write in this particular entry.

It's a hot day outside. It definitely feels like summer (even though summer was officially over a month and a week ago). I am wearing my fuschia slippers and spanking new orange beach bag to work. it certainly feels like i'm headed to the beach. I wish. It becomes summer everytime i go outdoors on weekends. After dragging myself out of bed to catch a morning gym class, i go home by lunch to make in time to meet up with fellow-minded friends and it becomes summer all over again. Come to think of it, I didn't really get to enjoy summer this year. No sleepovers at weird girls houses, no drinking games, and no funny Korean men trying to hook up in Bora.

I have an article due today and I had my tummy all up in knots worrying if I'll finish it the way I like it. Of course I can get it done, but the point will always be, how satisfied will I be with what I write? So to battle that, I like doing things totally unrelated to my work just to take the edge off and blogging is one of them. Sometimes trying to take your mind off the things that you can't help worry about is EXACTLY what you need to get it done.

Not a Movie Review

You know whats better than watching Superman Returns?
Watching Superman Returns in 3D.

I just caught the 9am screening of the film at the IMAX theater at the SM Mall of Asia. One of the editors gave out much-coveted passes the night before and me and my work buddies were giddy with excitement at the thought of watching it on opening day.

Now I've never been a big fan of 3D and the godawful-looking glasses you have to wear to experience it.
But this was definitely something else.
Superman Returns is jaw-droppingly beautiful, especially when your watching it in the biggest movie screen in the country (supposed to be equivalent to the height of an eight-storey building). During the 3D scenes, everying not only leaps out at you, its LARGER THAN LIFE. Our gay friend was literally hugging mid-air everytime Superman was soaring "towards us."

Even though i had already read alot of reviews prior to watching the flick, I still felt it was great entertainment. Clocking in at over two hours and a half, the movie leaves you hankering for more even though you don't leave the theater unsatisfied. It is a long and wonderful journey that intersperses the classic Reeves' superman and Routh's infusion into the character. I think this is a good way to inculcate the generation of today with a classic comic book character. I also like the implied parallelism with Jesus Christ in some of the scenes and the tri-personlaity of Kal-el, Clark Kent and Superman.

Can't wait for the next installment.

Definitely Not My Day

It started out innocently enough, a totally innocuous day.
Or so i thought.

Woke up happy the sun was out (I always prefer the sun to the rain. Maybe because its my kind of soccer-playing weather, but then again nothing beats the fun of playing soccer while your muddy wet and sliding everywhere. Ah, those were the good ole days in Sunken Garden...)

I'd like to consider myself a happy commuter. I don't mind all the harried transferring from jeepney-train or bus-tricycle that my route to the office entails daily. My only gripe right now is that by the time I get to the office, I am all sweated out, not to mention zapped of any energy I should have spent working. PLUS, I perspire to the point that I wish I could just have brought extra clothes. I remember this anti-perspirant commercial that promises to solve all those wet spots. Now I wish they could find a product that could prevent my chest from sweating so much. I hate those damn wet lines!

Well, I usually don't mind, but today was different. I had a presscon to attend in another city for lunch and I was bothered by not feeling so fresh. Not to mention that halfway through my commute, I discovered my water bottle had leaked through my bag and stupid me didnt even notice til my entire right leg was soaked through. I looked like I peed myself! (Technically speaking, the water pattern isn't consistent with a girl having peed herself. It should have wet through the middle and gone outwards on both sides. The wet spot on my jeans would have been perfect for male incontinence episode because it was only wet towards one side. This is my "watched-too-many-episodes-of-CSI Vegas and NY speaking by the way")

So suffice to say, by the time I got to work, I was pretty bothered by how I looked. But still, me and an office buddy attended the event. This again entailed commuting and walking through 3 inter-connected malls (which is fun but the whole walking-through-hot-cold-hot-cold wasn't really good for me). And I was right, halfway through the crowded presscon, I started nosebleeding. Not the trickle down slowly type mind you. It came down in one long gush and I'd like to thank the kikay gods for making me remember to bring extra tissue in my bag for horrid situations like this. Now since the room was packed I couldnt really go out so I tried holding my nose and making the blood clot, but after many excruciating moments of looking like a crazy dork in front of Jericho Rosales (who's endorsing a new line of jeans for Denim Lab), I decided to sneak off to the nearest ladies room.

When we got back to the office I had another nosebleed. Makes me wonder what the heck's wrong with me. Is it one of those weird maladies that Dr. Gregory House loves solving? Will alien antibodies start eating and melting my vital organs til it starts looking like baked lasagna in there? Have I been watching too many episodes of House M.D? Anyway, thank God another pal brought me ice and i used my gym towel to bring my body temp to a cooler temp (I generally have a hotter temp than anybody else I know. Not very good when you live in a tropical country)

So now, here I am finishing off a small cup of spicy seafood instant noodles. Lotsa MSG I know. But I'm holding off til everybody leaves. It's really nice in the office when everyone's gone and the AC hasn't been turned off yet. Very peaceful. Maybe my day doesn't have to end with a rotten egg.

Food-tripping (June edition)

Here's a list of stuff I've never tried before and my (more than) two cents' worth on it.

1. Pringles Guacamole-flavored potato chips
I definitely like this flavor more than any wasabi-flavored chips I've tried. it's tangy , but not enough to turn off those who don't like food that has a bit of a bite. The green tinge on the chips is kinda off-putting (like its moldy or something), but if you can get over that, it's actually pretty good. Best eaten in a dark, dark theater.

2. Pringles Cheezy Quesidillas flavored potato chips
I think it's really great that Pringles keep comin out with new "exciting" flavore (just like Cheetos, except they didn't come out with a new flavor, but a new texture instead. I am saving up to splurge on one big bag of Cheetos cheese Puffs as I write this). This is just a variation of their regular cheese version, but at least it's different.

3.Speedo Sports Water in starfruit flavor
Whenever my godmother in Cali asks me what I want, I always tell her to get me sports-related stuff. Most of the other things I know is available locally, so why make her spend for it right? So I got all sorts of bandages, joint supports, heat pads and sports drinks. Last last year, the newest thing I received was powdered gatorade and this year Speedo water tops the list. I like their thick blue bottles. It's pretty sturdy and re-usable (I just read in a medical magazine why you shouldn't re-use clear plastic mineral water bottles. Apparently, they have toxic stuff inside that could contaminate whatever you refill)

4. Akay-Akay
I'm not a big fan of native rice cakes, but I believe in trying everything at least once (except those recipes that involve okra and bitter gourd), and we went to this deli called Mommy's. Akay-Akay is a form of cassava cake that has red beans in it (which is one of my favorite ingredients. I love mongo bread, hopia and buchi balls!)

5. Green grass rice cakes
Me and a friend were in a hurry to buy takeout from a nearby foodcourt in order to make it to a 7pm showing of The Da Vinci Code (we weren't gonna catch the last full show lest we end up going home in the wee hours of the morn). So what happened was a frenzied scoping out of all the food stalls and haphazardly ordering anything we thought we be remotely un-messy enough to eat inside the cinema. As an afterthought, my friend decided to order this brownish-green rice cake we saw on our way out and had it microwaved for takeout. It was yummy! It had gooey coconut strips inside and wasn't too dry in texture.

6. Pancake Sandwiches
Our main course for that night, we bought at NY Diner (a place originally i just know for its gigantic french fries slices with your choice of a dozen or so dips). We had always wondered about their expanded new menu and although it was a bit pricy (a little over $2 for waffles and pancake sandwiches). So we ordered a ham & egg pancake sandwich for her and a bacon & egg pancake sandwich for me. It is exactly what it is called,a pancake sandwich, just with a side order of fries. I loved it! You pour maple syrup on everything and just slice your way to carbo heaven. Yummy!

Musings

"How about let's not do this ever again in this lifetime okay?
Okay."

This was the conclusion I came to, the endpoint of a running conversation I kept having in my head every few years. The untimely (When does it ever really become "timely" anyway?) death of a relationship. The sad sorry time when you pick up the dregs of your former self and hope to God you haven't lost all the pieces yet. Analytical mind? Check. Ability to emphathize? Check. Self deprecating wit? Check. Ability to love again? Check (Thank God). Self-confidence??? Oh shit. I knew I left it somewhere.

Sometimes you reassess the things you do and wonder why you are cursed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Not that choosing to be in love falls directly under that ill-fated category, but choosing to complicate your life with a love too difficult to maintain can quite easily be viewed as illogical to some people (my alter ego included).

Being a woman (ahem), I really don't think a guy should hold a girl up to the last thing she manages to spout off the last time they fought. Stuff said in the most heated (or emotional) of times are never trustworthy. It's not like going to an ukay-ukay and making a decision then and there because you know you'll never find another piece like it in the planet. You don't have the luxury of time to compare it with another store because by the time you come back, it may be gone forever. No, I'd rather compare it to shopping for a mass-produced commodity found in department store chains. You find something you like, but you hold back because you try to find something better. Same with words, you say what you think (even if it's the stupidest lamest things to say) because you felt like it, but in actuality, when you finally get to rehash what had transpired, more than likely you wish you'd brought a mental copy editor to straighten you up. So you may think you were right in saying what you did right then, but for sure you'll find better ways of having said it once you've reviewed what happened.

That didn't make sense. oh well
That's what blogs are for. paper moons and candy clouds...

Endpoint: I've probably said alot of things I am not proud of. One time a budding relationship abruptly ended because of one stupid phrase he would never forgive me for. But I've learned from it. And I'm more deliberate now. (not exactly always in a good way though).

Many Vested Plots

Sometimes I wonder just how funny things tend to fall into place.

Just like in the movies, I absolutely love it when I have no idea how the ending will turn out (and kudos to Mr. M. Night Shymalan who hasn't disappointed me yet). I'm one of those doofuses who turn off their brains when they go inside the theater and just wanna revel in all the eye candy. (which is why it pisses me off when people get too critical, but thats a whole other story...)

I know that just like in sports, there are winners, losers, and those in between in Life. Those stuck in thegray area are those who didn't really lose much, but felt like they didn't win anything either. So for me, it's all relative. You can be either a winner or loser in your head. It all depends on what you hold dear to your heart and what you consider to be expendable. With sports, it's too clear-cut, there are statistics, there are tallies. People watch, they don't even have to decide if you suck or not, because you can do that for them. There will be days when you are the pigeon and days when you are the statue. You can't please everybody. But you also know that you don't really have to please everybody. This is not a beauty pageant. You are not competing for something that is as abstract and subjective as hell. Thank God skill, hard work and determination still count for something. Otherwise my team wouldn't have won the superbowl. But we did. And therefore, we got declared winners. Simple? Yes. Very.

In Love, when you meet someone, hit it off, and then get into a relationship, can you be considered a winner? When you break up, is it considered your loss or his? When is there really a clear cut gain or loss when it comes to relationships? (at risk of sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe, I really havent figured this one out). For me, a gain is more of when I meet somebody, end up caring for him, going ga-ga over him, frustrated over him and living la vida loca with him in mind. It's all a wonderful crazy blur. I gain without ever expecting him to give the exact same thing in return. Because to have the chance to do that, experience that, make that part of your history, is a great opportunity in itself. Mushy, i know. But when I'm old and gray, I'll look back at all these supposedly imperfect times and think about all the horrible judgements I made, stupid stuff that I unbelieveably did, things that would make my parents shackle me int he basement for good if they found out, and it was those kinds of things that will make me happy in my twilight years. (Actually, I'm kinda happy about it now).

In the long run, my losses have turned out to be gains. Because I never mince with words, I have never felt like I have shortchanged someone of my emotions. Because my ego will never be an issue when it comes to relationships, I do not feel bad about past fights. Because I will do my damndest to keep a relationship afloat and exhaust all means to the point of looking like a fool, I have no regrets. Just memories of the hard, challenging process we like to call Love.

Unbelievable

I think there's something sad about not being afraid of hospitals anymore.
It's sick to find comfort in surroundings like that.
The general assumption is that you only go to hospitals when there's something wrong with you or you don't want something wrong to happen to you.
But to continually induce situations that amp up the risk factor of you ending up in the emergency room is undeniably stupid (no matter how much fun you had in the process).

I've been to quite a number of hospitals in this lifetime, not all of these visits caused by sports.
Hospitals have this damp alcoholic smell. The lighting is off. The fellow patients are either pained, resisting pain or in a state of shock, same goes for their sympathetic but fatigued companions.
The hospital staff look either affected, disaffected or somewhat tired. Occasionally there will be a cute doctor or intern, but that still does not remove the fact that you are in an enclosed area where there is alot of pain going on.
And pain, is an idea I've become all too familiar with especially in the past few months.

In all honesty, it was fun being wheelchaired around for a change. because sometimes I get too tired to pretend I'm still strong. In a hospital, people genuinely want to help you out, not just for show. And I know i can be weak.
Sometimes, i can't tell if i'm in real honest-to-goodness pain or if I'm just acting up. But I guess dripping blood is a good indication. other than that, i can't tell either way. Sad, I told you.
I've also gotten used to being stared at alot when i'm there. Stares that either say "Well what happened to her?" or "Playing contact sports is just a stupid thing for a girl to do." I'm used to different doctors chatting me up to assess my sitaution and then tell me about their old playing days and how they miss being on the field. I am used to all their morbid attention by now.

The Cause:
We played our semis game last saturday despite the typhoon (and better judgement). My eye ended up connecting with someone's elbow (i think it was more of the other way around) and my shoulder popped. so despite wanting to finish the game (playing 2 hours actual game and two hours overtime, but still ending in a draw), i was scooted off to the nearby cardinal santos hospital for x-ray and examination.
So there I was, with lots of caked mud on my wet clothes and cleats, sitting in the x-ray room by myself wondering how the hell do i get myself into these kinds of situations?

Because it all boils down to me. I knew I was asking for it. and i'm still in denial about that.