Back in business

Ahem ahem.... at risk of sounding like a wishy-washy idiot (which i know i already am), I would just like to write that I am very much in high spirits again. Not because of my own firm resolve to feel better, but because of the fantastic powers of persuasion of someone I'd rather not talk about.

Give or take a few words, you can elate or devastate a person. Move them or scar them for life. I'm sure most idiots out there throw away their words without regard for their lasting effects on highly-evolved (read:intelligent) people.

Being too sensitive will always have its drawbacks, but the best thing about being too sensitive is that emotions reverberate throughout your entire being, happiness is doubled, elation is overwhelming and pain will be a lesson you will never forget.

I dont like being too literary but its true. We all deal with our healthy doses of pain. The arftertaste sucks but it is a constant reminder of how wonderful things are when things are back on track with our lives.

Butterfly-filled belly

I just figured out two things tonight.

One, that nearly all my high school batchmates are either already married, married with kids or unmarried with kids. I know I shouldn't feel so left behind (I was second to the youngest in my batch to graduate) but I can't help but feel old right now. But I'm not old! They married young! Some of them even have two or three kids already. Geez...

Two, That Ive been walking around with a queasy stomach all week. Not from food mind you. Ive been watching what I eat ever since I realized summer has arrived and Im still a few (ha-ha) pounds away from a killer bikini body! No, seriously. I really should start caring for myself more and stop worrying about other people for now. I dont really want to sift through whatever mixed-up, fucked-up cornucopia of feelings I have right now. One minute I'm writing about love, another minute I'm griping about pain. It's all so tiring.

Why is it so easy for other people to get married just like that? My bestfriend tried to rationalize it by saying that we are more cautious, therefore more conscientious than others. we worry about bringing a new family into a world that cannot afford it yet. Perhaps this is true. Or maybe there just isnt anyone right enough to build a family with.

Aren't there more pressing things I should be thinking about?
Good question.

Freeze-dried fruit

I ate some cereal from Trader Joe's the other day. It had honey oats and some freeze-dried berries. (By some, I mean, with every handful I scoop out from the box, there'd be at least one sliced berry in the scoop) Good combination, although the fruit could taste nasty or good, depending on how you look at it. On one hand, the package label claims that because it is freeze-dried, then supposedly all the natural goodness is still packed in as well, so it retains its nutritional value. But on the other hand, it will kinda remind you of eating cardboard (which i have also tried) which comes in raspberry, strawberry and blueberry flavors. I liked snacking on it though. My mind thought it sounded healthy enough.

Funny what tricks your mind can play on you. Thinking it can have feelings when it doesn't. Thinking you can make these feelings last even if you don't really want it, need it or asked for it. The heart has feelings dummy, not the mind. the mind assesses and re-assesses. Analyzes and recommends to the heart what to do. If the heart throws all that out the window, then consider yourself mighty fucked (not always literally mind you). I have feelings put on hold, these are the ones put on extended vacation for the "what ifs" and "somedays" in this life. I have feelings forever put away for the "never agains" and "dont ever go there" people too.

These feelings, however real, are not going to make their way into the center stage of my life anymore. I can still feel them, but I'm sure as hell will never act on them as impulsively as I did at least once before. Ha-ha, I'm getting more grown-up each day...

Everything's frozen for me right now. Cannot act upon anything, cannot do anything significantly life-changing at the moment. I am not in the position to, even if my inclination is as high as ever.

Only consolation at the moment: work. Yep, I love my work right now. Good pay, good experiences and most importantly, good bosses. Could not have imagined it any better. I am actually starting to consider staying with them for more time than I initially planned. Thank you, thank you, thank you God!

Reverse Prayers

You know how sometimes, some things just happen, and although you already know exactly how its going to turn out, deep inside your still wishing that something spectacular could turn things around in some brilliant fashion?

I have always prided myself in being a very grounded person. I can still dream, yes. But I know when to take my head out of the clouds too. But sometimes, something really great (which I don’t think I deserve) comes along and you just wish it turns out exactly the way you want it to be.

The title of this entry was taken from a very interesting yoga pose I learned the other day. The first time I did it, I was almost struck with the fear that I might break one of my fingers (again!). But it is one of those positions that give light to why yoga is such an enlightening and humbling human exercise.

But I am not going to digress on yoga anymore (except that I was positioned next to another loud curser again in my second class last week). I don’t even want to talk about food for the time being. The weekend has been very spiritual, with lots of talk about relationships, love and the fleeting luxury that is Time. For once, food did not take center stage (because maybe, for once, I am ready to face what should really matter in my life).

This weekend, I did not meet any new people, nor did I come upon any great riches. Instead, I just rediscovered some old friends and better topics for conversation.

Although, it might not be evident, I am also very happy.

Noodles and Caboodles

As I write this, I have to set the circumstances which has brought me to talk about things and the mood that it has caused because of this.
I have never written anything with a burnt tongue before and it's not as unpleasant as I thought it would be.
Other kids went through the marshmallow test growing up, while I am still failing the "do-not-eat-scalding-hot-noodles-no-matter-how-ravenous-you-are" test til this very day.

Its almost 10pm, i am at work, it is saturday and the worst part of all this is that it is also supposed to be a national holiday.
But apparently, magazine deadlines stick their noses up on such flimsy occurences.
To top it off, my team is throwing one helluva surprise party for one of the guys, and in about 30 minutes i suppose, they'll all be having a smashing good time. I feel like I am missing out for two main reasons: One, because it is always fun when there are surprises, and two, because they are like one big happy family that i was lucky enough to be part of this year.

Anyway, after our scorchingly easy midday game, i had barely enough time to catch a nice long shower at the gym before heading off to work (less drudgery this time because i had my "football fill" for the day.)
I also managed to scarf down my first meal of the day at 5:30pm, a spaghetti plate with bread. Yummy shit (i know this is unbiased because i have eaten it on times when i'm hungry, times when when I'm not, and times when I couldnt care less what i eat as long as I get some carbo in my tummy to get me through the day)

For dinner, i went out and got myself a nice big bowl of fat noodles with egg, beef, squid, fish balls and veggies. And it looks just as "festive" as it sounds. I think the cook just decided to mix non-abrasive ingredients together and come up with that sorta thing. I realized no self-respecting non-Asian fellow would eat it without much contemplative thinking about its dubious looking appearance first. To put it bluntly, it looked like leftovers from a chinese deli. But hell, what the heck, I figured I'm Asian, My stomach has weathered far far more suspicion-inducing things, and I am already hungry.

I am glad I am resilient enough to eat such things, and therefore enjoy such things. Being in a 3rd world economy (with first rate corruptors) does have its untapped benefits.
We get to taste the best and the worst looking food on the planet. (More on this another time. It seems the office has managed to firewall my brain to think about work more than anything else right now.)

But lets just put it this way, Filipino food rocks. period.

Corny things

Since late last year, my penchant for all things with corn seems to have grown to an alarming degree. I don't care if it is cold, hot, junk, healthy, main dish, side dish, appetizer or dessert, it is the best!

Just lately, I seem to have ingested cornmeal, corn on salads or as side dishes, hydrogenated corn snacks, corn in fruit salad, corn ice cream, corn shakes and cornflakes. I thought that was quite alot of corn already, but apparently even the stuff that seems corn-free isn't without this ingredient! Apparently, corn is a major component in the production of peanut butter, snackfoods and even soft drinks! Unfortunately, nothing can make me like sodas (except when im forced to get them with those stupid fastfood value meals).

My latest corn-related discovery is Holy Kettle Popcorn! A franchise from the U.S, whose newest branch has been strategically placed right in front of my office building (im sure they have "intelligence" that sniffs out corn addicts like me a mile away!) Its also being marketed as good diet food because it has no MSG, preservatives and other nasty stuff you'd get from commercial popcorn. Well, there goes my food budget for the week! (I was even considering buying a big bag to serve as my lunch today, but my officemates managed to talk me out of it)

But unfortunately, I cannot be the first to lay claim to this pleasurable affliction. My cousin got bitten by the corn bug way way before me. Case in point, me and my three cousins would go to a dessert bar with a menu of a hundred or so heavenly combinations of fruit, ice cream and other sweets. One cousin would order the largest, chocolatiest, fudgiest mass of gooeyness available, the other one would get a fruity combo with ice cream while I would choose some weird partnership that would give me a 50-50 chance of a tummyache or tummy heaven in a few minutes.

Now my youngest cousin (the one who usually had the most sense amongst us) would look at me with a deadpan face and say "Ate, I'll just have corn." Aauurgh! I wanted to knock some sense into her and lecture her on all the wonderful things she was missing by being such a simplistic amoeba. Of course, there was nothing I could do. Although part of me wanted to drag her back home and dock her with a can of army size corn, another part of me kinda wondered why she was already contented that way.

Now, I guess she’s the smart one after all.

Life without Sugar

I had a very simple start to another long work week today.
being all drained, dried up and shriveled (in my head) because of all the sun ray I overdosed on all weekend, i had no inclination whatsoever (not even one teeny weenie bit!) to go to the gym. This is a good thing for today, because i have noticed my apetite has gone down too. I did not get any sugar spike at all (which was a confusing feeling, so i ended up getting my perfunctory donut anyway). So there I was, going through the motions of choosing which spawn of sin I should choose among the deceptively colorful baked "goodies" (how ironic, it would be more apt to say "baddies"!), I ate lunch with friends who asked what i was doing with something i do not even plan to eat. I look at them and say "Its a day for sharing , don't you know?" But up to this very minute, a very lonely half-donut sits sadly on the freezer shelf, shared by three people and enjoyed by none.

I am not craving for sweets today. I am not worried about anything in my life except work (which feeling shall expire the moment I step out the lobby). I am happy, I am content, I am loved.

Ironic mush

I played at a mini-world cup tournament all day.
I played for Team USA with all of my other Fil-Am or pure American soccer teammates.
They required an american passport for eligibility. I was one of the 3 allotted filipino members for our team.
It was great,we won the finals too.
I could deal with that except that we found out Team Philippines withdrew their participation the night before the games.
Why? For lack of players.
How's that for a twisted sense of irony?
(Oh yeah, I'm sure they had a hell of a time looking for authentic Filipinos around huh?)

Its past dinnertime and all i've had to eat today was half a pack of crackers and loads and loads of Gatorade.
My knees sting from being scraped around all day (ouch) and my head hurts from barely 5 hours sleep (double ouch)

I am getting tired of this kind of life sometimes. I wish i had real serious boring domesticated grown-up stuff to do. I wish I had to stay home instead of being out all day under the sun, slathering on layers upon layers of SPF70.
But I still enjoy riding this wave. Not forever though.
I just might be content to watch from the sidelines next year.
Natch.

Wishy-Washy Me

No. No talk of food today. Sometimes there are better things to linger on than your palatable heaven. And sometimes I'd rather talk about food than deal with the crazy stuff going on in my life.

Just when I thought I was finally ready to head somewhere serious with someone, I have decided to take a step back and be a dipstick about the whole situation. I dont give a flying fig what anyone says anymore. Im getting too old to be unwavering in my decisions. Fuck, if I'm wrong then goddamit let me be wrong through and through. I just wanna be reactive day-to-day. And it seems some things are not going to look as shiny as they were when I first saw them.

But then again, maybe I'm ranting because I really don't have a clue on what to do...

Chocolate-topped, peanut butter-filled donuts

I have permanently (somewhat halfheartedly) decided to go on a diet. Well not exactly a strict one, more of a chocolate/ice cream/pastry/unnecessary bread strike for this summer. Blame it on watching “Super Size Me” last night. Blame it on my being middle heavy. Or blame it on my unwavering desire to flaunt that bikini body hiding somewhere inside of me. But one of the biggest hurdles are these unavoidable sinful spawns from down under called Hot Loops donuts. I hate them so much it kills me to not buy one a day! Talk about inner struggle. I don’t even care about their Oreo-topped, caramel filled variety (which is their bestseller) . I love peanut butter!

I am feeling girly today, hence I decided to snub my cross-trainers for a pair of stilettos and gym pants for a snug pair of slacks. So while my friends are trying to further devote themselves to selfless causes like joining protest marches, helping build homes for the homeless and raising money for charity, I am busy trying to lift myself up from further wallowing in despair and hopelessness. I am trying to get back a broken friendship which I though would be a bridge burned forever. I am trying to cope with the knowledge that my best friend is leaving the country and will not be within my reach anymore during those times when he was accessible at a press of my “panic” button.

I am also trying to decide what to do with someone too far away from me right now.

Rainy Days and Easter Sundays

It rained exactly at one past midnight last night.
Right after i was done with my last batch of laundry (what can i say, I like doing everything at night!), the first few drops started to trickle. I was just lucky I didn't leave anything hanging outside where it would eventually turn smelly in a soggy way come morning.

One of the reasons I so look forward to summer is hinged upon the premise that it will mean no sign of rain for the next 2 months. But of course, the wet weather is still riding the coat tails of March, so there's bound to be mini-showers here and there before April Fool's Day. In fact, our local weather man reports mild rains this afternoon.

I am one of those people who get adversely affected by the weather. a lot.
Not that it brings any special memory or event triggered by the rain. Maybe its because everyone goes into hiding when it rains and I feel just a tad bit more lonely than usual. Or maybe its because I like watching the hustle and bustle of Manila and when it rains everything is in a standstill.

There are a few nice things I like about the rain though.
I remember unforgettable slippery hardcore soccer games with friends brave enough to come out even during typhoon weather just for a few hours of scrimmage. I remember alot of diving, sliding and slipping going around. We'd bring garbage bags to put our backpacks in and leave it in the middle of the field. I remember getting the Dirtiest player award most of the time because I had the most mud on me (hazards of being a goalie). We'd look so icky afterwards that even the cabs and jeepneys would discriminate against takng us in. We'd walk barefoot to the nearest faucet and try to take some sort of makeshift shower (it aint easy when the faucet's only 3 feet high). I remember praying more people would arrive so we could have a great game. And the people I count on usually do. Regardless of how impossible it was to get there because of the weather. We'd be the only loonies out there in colorful jerseys trying to run around ("muck around" is more like it) in the soft field. I'd think we were crazy if it weren't for the fact that it was so much fun back then

Well, yesterday was easter Sunday and there was no rain. But there was a lot of soccer though and boy was it good to be back on the field. But it wasn't the same guys I usually played with before. They were all still in mourning for mervs. I can't blame them. It felt awful going back to the field last saturday and seeing it devoid of any soccer for the first time in years.

X marks the spot

PUT (X) WHERE APPLICABLE
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) got lost in your city
( ) seen a shooting star
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x)hugged a stranger
( )been on a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) tried/done drugs
(x) Had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your
nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) broken a bone.
(x) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x)skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) got the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
(x) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them
back
( ) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to Europe
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
(x) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
(x) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs...
(x) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun...
(x) purposely hurt yourself...
( ) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone

Creamy papaya shakes

Only in my cousin's house can I have the best tasting, blissfully overflowing papaya shakes in town.
Their version involves, crushed ice, one whole ripe papaya, Nutrasweet (we're a family of diabetics), a citrus fruit and nice low-fat milk.
Add all these up and you've got the perfect pick-me-upper for one of those days when your holed up in the house with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Right now, theyre all downstairs watching "Kung Fu Hustle" which I've seen one too many time already. I love Stephen Chow, but I can't stand too many re-runs of ANY movie. But I can't deny that Shaolin Soccer rocks! Since its Holy week and all the major malls are closed, we have nothing to depend on but family and cool movies for good company.

I was talking to a friend yesterday night and I felt liberated to be able to talk about some things I have not been able to say out loud for many years now. It is good feeling. It makes me feel like I can finally move on and find some sort of alternate happiness that i didnt think even existed. It also made me realize that I've been meeting all these sorts of people and they all serve a purpose. They all show me different ways of how to live or not live my life. They point out certain directions which i can either admire or stay away from. Most especially the guys, I 've never been a good communicator when it comes to the same sex, I have an aversion to people who share the same chromosomes as my mother.

I'm going overboard again.

Feasting on Pesto

Most of the people in my family are what you call pesto people.
For instance, my favorite aunt and uncle's house is always amply stocked with the usual green pesto and red pesto variety. Without fail, I can always look forward to good quality pesto with fine Barilla angel hair pasta or toasted focaccia bread.

Pesto also reminds me of a friend who had about a dozen giant purebred dogs in his house. He was one of those really rich guys who was always alone at home with the househelp, while his parents and other siblings were out of the country or something like that. All the money in the world couldn't have bought that guy any happiness. And it wasn't because he was weird or a typical black sheep or something, he was actually pretty cute... He started out promising enough, getting into one of the top universities in the country, making it to the fencing team, but that just wasn't enough of course. it takes more than just whats goin on outside to sustain a good person. Some people still need some sort of affirmation from their bloodlinks too.

Anyway, me and another friend would always end up hanging at his house. One, because he preferred staying in his room (which had a pretty nice set-up i might add) and two, because they always had good food! The best thing I remember having was chicken drumsticks with pesto dip. I totally went ga-ga over that dip! It was too late when I realized it had some sort of "magic" ingredient in it to make it more interesting.....

Doggone Days

Last night, i was watching a documentary on illegal dog trading, dog cooking and canine maltreatment.
I couldn't finish the program. Being an adamant pet lover, it hurt me on so many levels to know what some dogs are going through in other parts of the country.
I'd rather go through another multiple root canal than have to see and hear those horrid images again.

One scene that was replayed over and over again was that of a dog, brutally stuffed inside a rice sack and kicked again and again. You could hear him/her bark at first, until it turned into a whimper and I guess into a moan or cry. Those people who have never heard an animal cry, consider yourselves lucky. I once had a rabbit who jammed its leg in a ditch and I had to bring it to the vet to have it's hind leg cast. It cried so much that I wanted to cry myself. An animal crying is the sound of pure instinctual pain. Otherwise, when would you hear a rabbit make any sort of sound right?

Back to the dogs, it was supposed to be an in-depth report on the animal rights law and why eating dogs are illegal. But they interviewed alot of poor, hungry people who were willing to eat anything to survive, even if it meant stealing someone else's pedigreed pet poodle. So I guess they were trying to sway the sympathy for the humans too. But I'm sure most two-legged people would hate it if dogs started eating us for lack of better fare.

I miss my dogs Choco and Taffy, up there in doggy heaven.

Alpha Whore Cookies

I once went up to the summer capital a few years ago with only one agenda in mind.
There was supposedly this convent that made these unbelievably yummy gourmet food products on a limited basis during certain times on certain days. They were so well-known that even in the lean tourist months, you'd still have to line up for your orders, and even then, you could only buy a maximum of 2 jars/packs per item because some people tend to hoard the good stuff and they would run out of things to sell even before selling time was over. If you were unlucky enough like my aunt who went up there twice already and would come back empty-handed, because the nuns decided NOT to make that particular product on that particular day.

Now, i don't really care about their other products. I am enslaved by taste to only one. And so far, there has been no other contender that can come close to that kind of taste. What i'm talking about is Good Shepherd's Alfajor Cookies (hence the title of this entry, just pardon my tacky wordplay). It consists of two small circular slabs of crumbly floury stuff which sandwiches this rich caramel filling that is testament to the fact that quantity and quality are excellent when they come hand in hand. Take all that and cover it with confectionary sugar and you've got the product that will be on my mind for the entire 5 hours it takes to get there to buy it. Every bite actually melts and crumbles delectably in your mouth, leaving you in want for more than half a dozen pieces in one sitting. (sinful? perhaps. pleasurable? yes oh yes!) And it only costs less than two dollars a bottle!

A veritable second placer would be the in-house brand of Wal-mart called Sam's choice 39% More Chocolate Chip Cookies. it costs $1.70 for a nice big enough pack that'll last you maybe a week (if your thrifty). The people who make it actually swear that they pack more choclate chips in one cookie than any other brand and i think they're right. you cannot bite into these cookies without coming out with at least 3 or 4 pieces of half-melted chocolate chips. They said that 39% was the most they could add because if you put in any more than that, the cookie will come out too soft or too crumbly already. Think of it more as Chocolate chips with cookie bits rather than the other way around. Sadly, it probably won't be available locally anytime soon because it expires too easily (shelf life is a month or so, I think)

I remember Alfajor cookies lately not just because I am going up to the mountains again sometime soon this summer, but because it will always remind me of someone i shared it with in the past. :)

Super salads

It's really funny how far up you can go in one minute,
and then you're crashing down a hundred miles a second in another.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

If you look at things from one perspective, everything can seem like a pretty swell deal.
You're happy, you're healthy, you eat well, you are loved. You are not in want for anything more than what you have already. in other words, you do not crave, you do not long for, you do not covet what you cannot, should not and will not ever have.

But then the mind starts wandering into unwanted places that makes it doubt its complacency, makes it feel insecure, uncomfortable and greedy. You aspire. you hope and then you start feelingincomplete.

This is exactly how i wish i didn't feel right now.

Surprisingly, I havent been too hungry lately. I'm quite content with some nice creamy broccoli soup and a big helping of veggie salad. Funny how some restos with salad bars seem to think that fruits and vegetables can be mixed together in one big bowl of cornucopia. I'm not a picky eater (as long as it aint slimy) so I filled my plate with the usual leafy fare, along with raisins, melon, corn, pineapple and watermelon chunks too. The ultimate salad hybrid. A pretty filling meal. Healthy on the tummy too.

I dunno if i am psychologically incapacitated by the notion that I have been spending too much (on food) or if I am just basically out of sync again. I am just being lonely again. My friend Dre said we should form a club or support group or something. He misses his girlfriend in Long Island too. At least he knows she misses him too.

Farewell friend

The weekend was not without its share of bad news. An old football friend got stabbed inside the campus of the state university late last week while trying to defend his girlfriend against three robbers. He got stabbed in the chest and died instantly. He was supposed to be graduating in a few days.I always feel like I'm gonna cry thinking about it. he was one of those guys who didn't hesitate to make the first move to greet you when he saw you on the field or wherever. he was one of those undoubtedly nice guys with no ill intent for anybody. He will be buried wednesday morning and our football club is having an overnight prayer vigil in his hometown tuesday night. God, he was still so young.

I'm going to miss you on the field mervs, you were one hell of a player.

Just a list

13 random things that I like
[01] Good books
[02] goalkeeping
[03] middle linebacking
[04] beach bumming
[05] fruit smoothies
[06] gigantic chocolate chip and pecan cookies
[07] kimchi
[08] persistent puppies
[09] tight hugs from out-of-the-blue
[10] salvador dali
[11] Good music from a good audio system
[12] tasting new food for the first time
[13] a hot warm bath before going to bed


[12 favorite movies]
[01] The adventures of Baron Munchausen
[02] Labyrinth
[03] Amelie
[04] Finding Neverland
[05] All Mighty Ducks movies
[06] Cats and dogs
[07] Crying Freeman
[08] Edward Scissorhands
[09] all Akira Kurosawa films
[10] Zatoichi
[11] all Woody Allen films
[12] all Quentin Tarantino films (except that short from Four Rooms)

[11 good bands/artists]
[01] Rita Calypso
[02] Norah Jones
[03] Paula Cola
[04] The Beatles
[05] Wilson Philips
[06] Astrud Gilberto
[07] Sergio Mendes
[08] Mr.Big
[09] Kylie Minogue
[10] Black eyed peas
[11] TLC

10 things about me
[01]overly sensitive
[02]not as tough as before
[03]pigs out too often
[04]weak knees
[05]overly hopeful
[06]relates too much to Dilbert
[07]attracted to guys who like Calvin & Hobbes
[08]Wishes she were more attracted to guys who like The Far Side
[09]pizza lover
[10]gurly-gurl

9 shows I watch
[01] CSI
[02] Fear factor
[03] Friends
[04] Will & Grace
[05] Ed
[06] Joan of Arcadia
[07] One Tree Hill
[08] Arirang shows
[09] ATV

[8 favorite food]
[01] BLT burgers
[02] mushroom or vegetarian pizza
[03] banana cream pie
[04] Estrel's caramel cakes
[05] Korean beef stew with kimchi
[06] Chocolate eclairs
[07] Fried Mozzarella
[08] teriyaki Mushroom panini

[7 things you wear often]
[01]Nike cross-trainers
[02]yoga pants
[03]jerseys
[04]silver necklace
[05]rainbow flipflops
[06]baby tees

[6 things that make you happy]
[01] having enough time to quietly read a good book
[02] having the luxury of watching a new korean series deep into the night
[03] playing a really good game
[04] taking the time out to spend a day with my grandma and cousins
[05] watching a nice movie with NY fries and dip
[06] sleeping under the sun in a quiet beach

[5 books you read]
[01] Einstein's Dreams
[02] The Prophet
[03] Nightmares and Dreamscapes
[04] A girl's guide to hunting and fishing
[05] Lipshtick

[4 things that irritate you]
[01] dense people
[02] meanness
[03] inconsideration
[04] tacklessness

[3 people you admire]
[01] My gay rights activist professor
[02] My aunt who decided to stick it out by herself abroad
[03] My friends who have yet to run out of patience for me

Yummy Dark Coffee Jelly

I've been eating alot lately.
Too much for my body to take, which is why now I am feeling very swollen and unhealthy. Blame it on all the frequent breaks I've been taking with my my officemates. Bad, Bad, Bad idea. I need to get back on track NOW. I’ve also been ticking a couple of people off with my clipped comments on their blatantly crass and tasteless remarks about whatever.

There’s this café that sells very affordable coffee jelly with cream and milk. There is just one thing I can say about it. It is so heavenly.

My thoughts are all scattered again. I may have forgotten a dear friend’s birthday yesterday. He has not responded to my messages and I’m getting that horrible feeling that I’ve offended without intent yet again (I really hate when this happens. Reminds me too much of the stupid predicaments I’d get myself into way back in high school)

I always like to say that I don’t have too many friends. But in actuality I just realized that I do. I have people who I’ve discounted as being non-friends for reasons like I don’t see them too often or they don’t keep in touch as much as I want them to. But that doesn’t mean they are not my friends. I just overlook the fact that they are closer to me than I really bother to even think about. Hence my being cold and distant at many a time. I really should think about this more.

Food festing

This weekend has been a wonderful wonderful blur.

My entire saturday was spent entirely with friends (non-work related), activities (non-writing related) and food (free!free!free!).

I woke up not too early for our my new team's second game of the season. It was my frist time to don their uniform and I knew once I put it on, there would be no turning back. I am never going to leave this team. They are (to me)the end-all and be-all of the teams here in Manila. Sure enough, we won the game. It was just as fun cheering on the sidelines as it was being cheered on in the field. I love my teammates. They all have talent, passion and the charisma to win in this kind of game.

After that, some of us hied off for a 45-minute drive to catch the Brent international school food festival (a teammate scored us some free tickets. sweet!) It was fun and there was a fantastic fireworks display. Now there will always be two things that will leave me spellbound 1.) snorkelling and watching fish swimming past my face and 2.) standing right smack under a fireworks display. Call me a big kid, but I revel in those kinds of opportunities. It didnt hurt that we got ice cream and cotton candy while watching too.

We got cleaned up after and attended a birthday party. Really cozy, mostly just people from our team and friends. I admit, I got tipsy. My friends like seeing me in this state because it provides an added source of amusement all throughout the night. But i avoid it sometimes because I turn tomato red and slowly start to have a hard time breathing after that. It was crazy fun. But I really hate hangovers.

I was supposed to watch a nice calming movie with my bestfriend but he had a long tiring night too so it's not going to happen today. I'm not too bummed about it. I just came from dance class and that was a nice substitute.

I did not eat much today although I know I deserve to treat myself to even just a nice meal. But I am too stuffed from yesterday to even think about that right now. I also just got my fill of my newly-appointed resident sage (although he doesnt know it yet) the Village Idiot words just now.

It's going to be an even better week than I thought.

:)

Lychee Yoghurt Candy

I’m pretty happy today, I don’t know why exactly.
I guess it’s because my work has been going smoothly and my contract with another job is about to end this weekend. I’m looking forward to all my new tasks, knowing I’m going to be with people who like me more than just another office mate.
I can’t say my articles are the greatest lately though, but they’re pretty okay (I think).

My old call center buddy dropped by for a late late lunch. I’ve been bugging her for the longest time to leave the undead and get a day job. Funny thing is, she’s managed to last as an agent for almost a year now while I couldn’t even hack it for a week. Such tenacity deserves respect. She was such a sweetie that she brought me some cool hard-to-find candies (what a treat!). It had flavors like lychee yoghurt, lime, coffee, grape and pineapple. Weird combinations I think. Interesting to think about though. If there’s one thing I really love, it’s sampling new stuff!

As of today, I think I’ve also learned to let go a bit.
Blame it on my first ever yoga class last night.
No wonder Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are such devotees.
I’d like to think of it more like a transcendental stretching class. I love feeling all limber and de-stressed. Of course I haven’t been able to perfect the toasted pretzel position or whatever that dang thing is called, but I’m gonna get there “naturally” as my teacher puts it. I need to cleanse my mind of all things and she said that if I can do that successfully for 5 straight minutes, then I am ready for the next big thing. If it weren’t for the weird stiff guy beside me silently cursing and complaining all throughout the exercises(oh sh*t, oh sh*t, f*ck sh*t), I guess it would’ve been perfect. But I know It's useless to shush a person oblivious enough to understand why he should shush in the first place. But like I said, I just let it go.

I got another hilarious email from the Village Idiot. What a riot. It’s been a long time since I’ve read anything that amusing since Jessica Zafra. What a cool guy. Wish there were at least some guys like him in the country. Oh well..

Juice Almighty

I love juices/smoothies/shakes or anything that involves crushed ice and healthy-tasting stuff. Late last year, one of my enterprising teammates opened a juice bar in the middle of nowhere land, something similar to Jamba Juice in the States. He obviously wasn’t in it for the profit. In fact, he charges practically nothing for a glass of non-sweetened, all natural, jam packed drink. One serving is equal to 3 to 5 servings of fruit. Now, he’s going to be opening new branches inside branches of boxing gyms that another friend owns. I guess great products do sell themselves. Anything that is honestly good does not need much prodding to become successful (well, maybe a little marketing does help). I got to sample one of their bestsellers, a strawberry-banana-pineapple smoothie and it was nothing like any wannabe fruit shake I ever tasted (not even in Boracay). My friend says there are a thousand fruit combinations he can come up with, but only 102 are on the menu. You can even come up with your own mix, it’s all priced the same regardless if you put in one, two, three, four or heck even all the fruits you want, as long as it’ll fit into their one size cup! Pretty neat huh? The owner, even swears it can even be a meal substitute that won’t leave you feeling hungry afterwards. Thank God for people like him.

A taste of Strawberry Supreme

I met this funny guy who calls himself the Village Idiot. I find it cool that of all the interlaced people on the web, I end up discovering a kindred spirit when it comes to writing. Just like this odd drink I had the other day at Gloria Jean's. It had a mocha chiller base, then they blended real strawberries in it! Pretty cool. Was hard for me to finish (try sipping strawberry chunks with a regular straw dude). It was great compromise for a reluctant coffee drinker like me who prefers all-natural to obviously not.

I am still without time for anything for work (hence, this too short entry) But I will definitely catch up on my non-droid self sometime soon. All be well.

Not exactly the same recipe

I woke up today thinking how much I was going to enjoy having a whole day to myself (well not exactly, i have around a dozen or so articles to write for Monday, but I figured I had most of the day to do what i want)

So I decided to start it off with the gym class I look forward to the most. In fact, my dance class has always been the best way to cap off the week for me (i dont usually work out on sundays, which is reserved for family and non-football friends)

So I woke up early (meaning, before lunch) and hied my ass of to the gym (I read in an article from a well-known fitness guru that you should only work out at a gym that is located 15 minutes or less from where you live, otherwise its not time-efficient for you. Although i could agree to that, It is pretty inapplicable because 15 minutes or so travel time in my area will only get you past a couple or so blocks around the neighborhood.Come rainy season, good luck with that)

I was anticipating the fact that I would get to see my favorite (okay, okay, my irresistibly favorite!) teacher. usually, I find him sipping coffee at the lounge before his class starts, but I figured he must be running late. I finally got to wear this cute green NBA basketball jersey my friend brought from the States as a Christmas gift (I'd been raving about my hiphop class for months, so he thought I would like it and I did! He's one of the very few guys I know who can top me when it comes to gift giving)

Then I found out that someone else was gonna sub for him because he couldn't make it today! I love dancing anyway, so I thought it would still be fun. But for some reason it wasn't. The moves may have been the same, but the class just wasn't as fun.
Or he wasn't as cute.

I just want my real teacher back.

The 2005 PFFL Manila Women's Selection Team

IMG_7777
Originally uploaded by ditoy_eagle.

Hmmmm, i almost forgot about this photo. I wasnt feeling as happy as I actually look. I hate playing and knowing i'm not gonna win. Looking back, it was one pretty fun day and I'm glad I'll always have friends willing to cheer me up and cheer me on. :)

Teriyaki Mushroom Panini

I am at the office, not running late but my eyelids are begging for sleep.
I have declared amnesty on my body and decided to avoid all gym activity today.
Because later, I am gonna be running around like a funny headless chicken again, catching taxis and carrying endless loads of cutesy girl stuff to shoot for our magazine. This kind of work makes my feet hurt so much that i wanna cut them both off, but I'm also loving every single minute of it. Where else do you get paid to (window) shop 'til you drop, get to show off your (supposedly good) taste and get paid for it all at the same time?!

I indulged in good food again yesterday.
I couldve skipped that trip to Deck Deli (which is so strategically placed that you see it every time you enter and exit our building). I couldve hesitated just a little bit more in getting that yummy panini and strawberry soy milk before i hit the gym. I couldve showed a little more restraint (goes to show much I don't have in that department)

I am all out and about again today. No time to think about guys. Guys who will ignore and feign fleeting interest in me. Guys who have nothing but friendship on their mind.

But I do have a guy encounter story about yesterday.
I ran into a guy (inside the office) talking to my soon-to-be boss. This happened to be the same guy I once had an "email" thing with. He's one of the few guys who I thought really had the talent and charisma to be a good writer. Our thing escalated to a point wherein we had to meet up, which happened once and never again. But apparently, i was right because he's now coordinator for one of the other departments in our humongous company. But the funnt thing is, i just found out that my new job involved coordinating with him. A LOT. Now how awkward is that?

Must be Fate's way of telling me "Ha-ha-ha you silly-willy girl, you can avoid me but you can't get away from me. You will always be bound fall into countless unavoidable situations where you will be shocked, helpless and humiliated all at the same time but not exactly in that order."

I can't wait.

Sushi in the sky with Diamonds

I am not a big lover of raw food.
In fact I am not a big lover of Japanese food nor Japanese people(except for Tempura and all the j-pop fashion i've been seeing lately)

But I do understand why people love eating Japanese.
It is clean, healthy and has a certain air to it when your in the process of eating.
It is dignified and does not make you look like a starved 3rd world inhabitant (unless of course you like stuffing down 3 pcs of California Maki down your tummy all at the same time)

Japanese food also brings together people from all walks of life who appreciate it.
It doesnt matter what you may look like (yuppie scum, rasta mountain dude, boring bland guy from wherever, or street peddler) As long as you can afford it, all kinds of people will eat it.

I have no point in writing this down. I am just trying to make reason out of nothing except for the fact that I do not eat sushi, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate it(because I dont). I am also masking the fact that I have written a very personal entry before this, so I am hoping it does not get read anymore.

I am too lazy to write in my journal at home, so here I am letting my thoughts get published on cyberspace for all to see (and hopefully ignore).

Oh, before I forget, I tried this oh-so-yum mushroom panini sandwich for lunch. It came in different flavors and I chose teriyaki. Boy, was that a revelation. Apparently, there's this new healthy food place called Deck Deli right at the lobby of my office and I've never taken a second look at it before til today. yum, Yum,YUM!!!! i like the mushrooms more than meat! I tried the 3-kind mushroom pizza at Yellow Cab pizza last night and it was fairly good, just nothing fantastic. And some of the mushrooms were already too crunchy for its flavor to be enjoyed.

My life is full of work right now. My love life is full of junk. No space for nice, simple, uncluttered thoughts. My body aches like hell right now (went to the gym 6am!)but better that than my heart.

Merry Me

I wish I could get married before I reach 30.

I never actually thought about it much til I felt that it would be a great injustice to not have a complete family by that time. That would mean i'd have wasted so much of my life (1/3 to be exact, i doubt i'd go beyond 90years in this mega-polluted planet)

i want to be with people I could cook homemade fudge with and enjoy every sinful minute of it in front of the boob tube.

I want to be with people i can hug anytime i wanted to, as tight as i wanted to, without feeling the least bit hesitant or scared if I'll get hugged back.

I want to worry about someone, be concerned about someone and talk to someone endlessly through life, about a hundred million things, without thinking that what i say isn't really important or intelligent

I want to be with people who will not abuse me verbally nor make me feel like I don't belong in this world because I am not as great as they thought I should be.

I want to be with people who give away free hugs (and sometimes kisses), who will not mind if I ask for soup when I'm sick and not think I'm acting up.

I would just like to feel what it should feel like to be in a family.

I've been asked too many times what I want most in this life and I hesitate to answer because I risk sounding too unambitious, lazy and lethargic.

I just wish I could be part of my own complete family. Imperfect, messy, scary and all that jazz. I want the works. But this time there's gotta be lots and lots of Love.

Melted Chocolate Mousse

Yesterday had to be the busiest day of my life, if not year.
I had an interview to do, more sourcing for lifestyle items and 5 location shoots at different venues! Crazy but helluva fun shit.

Anyway, I met this young photographer, who was gonna be share with me this chaotic schedule. He showed up late for the first shoot, which meant we were gonna be late for ALL the shoots since our shoot sequence was supposed to be soething like this

12nn - Papemelroti main store, roces ave.
1pm - 50th ave. Robinson's Galleria
3pm - Chamba Juice - Fort Bonifacio
4pm - Pretty Fit store, Glorietta
6pm - Xsite mobile, Megamall

He finally showed up a little past one and I was halfway going ballistic (hadn't had lunch, ended up eating at 5pm!)

It was worth it though. The shoots went great. He wouldve been absolutely charming if it weren't for the fact that he was taken. And it's funny how I never have the guts to look at guys I like face to face, because I'm afraid it shows how much I really start to like them. But by late afternoon, I was over that illusion of getting to know him better. He was just another lucky addition to my stumbled-upon-a-diamond-in-the-rough list.

He's a professional photographer by today's standards, although he never formally went to study it. He's doing a lot of corporate work lately, which is why I've only met him now. He's open, friendly and has a great smile. I saw some of his work and the underwater shots he took while scuba diving were very impressive. He's always out of town for some assignment and I guess the whole idea of knowing more about that was what drew me to him.

Anyway, i bought us takeout food from ever-dependable KFC and I decided to get dessert for us both. My favorite Chocolate mousse (their brownies suck). Apparently, those KFC counter people thought it would be cool to make fun of the harassed-looking lady (me,Me,ME!) by not putting those much-needed spoons in the takeout bag. I ended up eating macaroni salad with a straw (not a pretty site for someone ravenous enough to eat fatty fatty breaded chicken) and the dessert went untouched.

By the time we got to the last destination, the mousse had melted totally. In fact I would say it evaporated! Because when I looked into the cups, all I could see were the lower half (which was chocolate cake, i think). My endpoint: He was cute.

Anyway
This blog entry sucks because I am doing it during lunch time and I havent eaten a thing since I went to the gym at 6:30am (hardcore!). I have to be at another shoot today by 2;30pm and two more after that. I feel so compressed because I am packing more into my day than usual.

I have decided to accept fulltime work by next week because I need a summer job and I'd like to meet some tall shampoo models in person (which is what I'm gonna be doing at a presscon next week). I am also very happy to have money in the bank, so that evrytime my mom declares to evict me from the house, at least I will not go hungry while I am sleeping on the streets.

I am not really hungry but sad. I wish I had functional parents who wouldnt evict me and ask me to pay for the air I breathe every other day, or invite me over to their other wife's house and then forget about it totally. Or ask me to go to the hospital and nursemaid my food poisoned-half brother, who i've never met. Or tell me stuff they wish they'd did but didn't anyway.

I wish for too many things.

Happy Meals

I believe I am indefinitely cured from whatever that possessed me for the past couple of years.
I believe I am ready to stumble, fall and crack my head (and heart) open again on the cold cold ugly concrete (otherwise known as reality)

I guess I have turned into the opposite of what I had first thought myself to be, a man-indifferent recluse, unbothered by the opposite species.
Now I am now Miss Open-to-whatever-may-be, not exactly boy crazy, but in love with somebody new everyday.

Yesterday, it was Mister Young Passionate Chef, Today, it is (and for the past 3 months actually)Mister Gracefulness (dont ask). Actually, I was hoping I would never end up with a full-blown attraction to this guy, seeing him at dance class every week has been easy, I'd just dismiss him as one of those good looking men who would look awkward anywhere except inside the gym. But today, he surprised the hell out of me when he showed up wearing glasses! And boy, did those glasses seal the deal. You see, he is well-muscled and lean in all the right places, has long black hair the same length as mine, and he dances ever-so-perfectly (I'm pretty content just watching him if I could get away with it). But to look so fit and so intelligent at the same time? Hell, that was too difficult to ignore!

So right now every meal is a happy meal and speaking of which, I am getting very worried about my constant craving for french fries, which i heard (from people who've watched Super Size Me) that it will be the bane of my existence a few years (or months) from now if I continue with such indulgence.

So I bought the meal, ate the fries, got a toy, and what else? ate it with a guilt-free heart!

My Orgasmic Affair

I interviewed this cute guy yesterday.
He is currently a successful personal chef from Chicago, who grew up in Manila.

I never thought a guy could give you an orgasm just by talking.

He was one of those people who makes a great interview.
Loved to talk about his work and what he has learned. Loved to talk to people because he can learn something new from them, even if it wasn’t about food.
But let me just say, I have never been blown away by any subject matter relating to food except for this one time.

He talked about food he would serve when he was angry, food he would serve when he was seducing someone, in love, heartbroken or gone mad. The kind of food he makes differs with the kind of impact he wants to achieve.

He talked about this unbelievable dessert, a deep dark chocolate mousse which he would put a hole in a middle, put in a scoop of vanilla soy yoghurt (not ice cream, because he promotes good healthy choices) and then he would put 7 different sauces all across the plate to form a rainbow design (kiwi sauce, strawberry, orange, mango and God-know-what-else!). Add some caramelized icicles around it and you’ve painted a picture of a different kind of heaven.
All of this put together to give you an idea of what you’ve been missing out of all this time.

He gave a couple of other strange sounding recipes involving saffron, mascarpone, curry, kamote and shrimps. But I begged him (literally) to stop, not because my stomach was getting hungrier by each word, but because I didn’t want to suddenly develop a craving for this guy.

He’s really pretty nice. He gave me his business card. Said I could contact him anytime. He said he would never forget me because he loved my name (insert “swoon” here)

The sound bite that stuck to me most about him was when he said “My cooking is the same as my making love. It requires the same passion, frequency and compatibility of ingredients.”

Whew. Thank God I didn’t sweat too much on that one (I think).


*Check him out at http://www.chic.edu/bilaro.asp
(by the way, even though he also goes to the gym a lot. He’s not as young as he looks. As if that matters)

1000 Kimchi

In Korea, they have this delicacy/side dish/food staple called Kimchi. It is made from cabbages and other veggies, then mixed with spicy pepper paste and fish pastes and then compressed inside a stone pot, which is put undergrund for a few days to "develop" a unique taste.

Koreans love their kimchi so much they actually thought up hundreds or so different ways to make it! There's the basic red kimchi and white kimchi and sweet kimchi and even kimchi soup! It all depends on which region you go to, they will have their own unique version of kimchi. Check out the websites and you'll notice that native Koreans also agree that non-koreans will find it hard to develop the same love for kimchi as they do (given that they're weather there is at worst, cool and not hot) I think that if we had snow and winter and the other 3 seasons, then we'd be fans of kimchi too. We'd develop a weird hankering for this strange tasting dish that is very spicy and yet not so very tasty to our tongues (although it can never compare to our kare-kare and basic adobo! They love spicy food and even spicy snacks (think of siopao with sili inside) because it helps them bear their weather better. I wish I could go around wearing a thick neon pink winter coat all day too.

I think people think up of different ways to do things in order to help them adapt to certain things. Maybe the people in the Upper northern section of Korea find it hard to come across peppers, so more white kimchi is made there than on any other part of the country. The point i'm driving at is not that I am going to go on and on about this, but rather that I see myself adapting the same ways with regards to what I am lacking right now.

Specifically speaking, I am lacking him.
But it's really funny how I keep bumping into all sorts of people from my past whom I think the Big Guy up there is trying to send my way so as to distract me from my current and eternal obsession. Not that I am attracted to them anymore. In fact, I feel sad knowing they will never be as appealing as they once were to me. Kinda makes me shudder thinking about what wouldve happened had I ended up with any of these men, only to lose all interest in them a few years later.

I have been called up, buggered through text messages, stopped in the road, asked out for lunch and still, I am not biting. Like a lazy fish whose gobbled up too may thin worms, I refuse to take the bait. A good friend specifically ordered me not to think too much about this, but I just can't help but to wallow.

I went crazy last Sunday and hied off to Divisoria in the middle of the afternoon with my unknowing cousins in tow. Used up all my money buying my version of local kimchi fare (korean movies, series, products). It satisfied my longing, for now. I am broke, but happy. still sad, but not alone.

"If you always spend your time thinking about how to get over the past, how the hell are you going to get on with your future?!"

Panna Cota and Paella

My weekend seems to be starting off well enough.

Friday....
Work is fun. I got to see my friends. I have put an end to my perennial craving for ice monster (instead for the usual corn with tapioca teaser, I got myself a nice big Cookies and Cream!). I have decided to stay put for the meantime. We had meetings til 9pm, so no gym time for me that day (I didn't mind so much, which was really weird). As a treat, my boss treated me and the staff out for Spanish buffet at Eastwood for late dinner. Lotsa, seafood paella, roast beef, grilled tuna, yummy panna cota (which wasn't the authentic stuff I get at Bellini's, but rather a peachy mousse kind of thing) That was all great food, considering I still don't know what to make of my pay yet.

Come saturday....

Me and my best friend went back to last day of the U.P fair. It was packed, with a slow line that seemed to stretch out towards the entire diameter of sunken garden. Compared to my first visit last Thursday,when everyone was already happy just food-tripping or getting their weird henna tattoos. apparently, tonight everyone wanted to be there before it actually ended.

I didn't get to smoke my strawberry cigarettes though. I bummed a few then gave a silent prayer offering in memory of whom this entire stupid ceremony was meant for. Just like last year, it has left me again hopeless, helpless and bleeding. Real tears, just like the ones shed over 3 years ago apparently have not run out of stock. But the heart is getting too old for this kind of unwarranted drama.

Yes, I am old. I am not bitter. But I am certainly not letting go of this anytime soon. I keep asking myself "Why is it that everytime I break up with someone, I feel like they were all a prelude to him?" They all just led up to the stupid fact that I was just suspending my longing for a few months or even weeks? I am not a bad person. I try to love as deeply, sincerely and as everlasting as I can, but it all goes back to you-know-who. Fuck you for leaving me this way. You and your unforgettable, irreplaceable ways.

I hope this feeling passes soon. I don't want to tear myself into too many shreds that noone can piece together.

In-between (again)

I am used to quitting jobs. Really.
It's not like a relationship, wherein there are emotional attachments.
With work, it's either I end up liking it or not. If not, then I leave

But this was the first time I ever had a boss break down and cry in front of me.
Not just because of me, mind you. But I was probably the last straw in a slew of frustrating events in our magazine. (apparently, i later found out that she was the type to break down in the office more often than you can imagine, kinda funny if you ask me) But she's a really sweet lady
So I ended up not exactly leaving, but my foot's still halfway out the door.
I am staying, but I am also accepting another offer coming my way today.

I wish jobs and relationships came this easy. I could be in or out, not mediocre at all. I wouldn't feel nostalgic, withdrawn or devastated inside just because of a job. I would bounce back immediately and delve into another new opportunity. I wish It was all that easy.

But if I was just as lucky getting into a really great relationship as I am in finding really cool jobs, then I'd be set for life. But I know I can't have it all. I got the "Good Job Karma" stick. I'm trying to be just as happy. Because my life isn't so bad at all. :)

Strawberry cigarettes

I have this unspoken tradition of mine.
I "celebrate" it by myself every year, under the stars, with a pack of strawberry cigarettes.

I like wide open spaces that remind me of him.
Places where we fought, the place where we met.
Everything so wide open.
But it's been too long, and now I can't exactly remember how he looked like, how he felt like when we touched.
But I do remember who or what is not him. and that is everybody and everything else.

Ah, why couldn't I just have felt this sad on Valentine's Day? Just like everybody else who was less than happy.
Why do i have to feel this sad on one of the happiest days in sunken garden?
Because he didn't leave me on Valentine's day. Although we fought alot on then.

I don't know why he even agreed to meet up with me then, we had freshly broken up (one of the many many times that we did) and I asked if he wanted to go to the UP fair instead. We got there, we were both quiet. And I hate quiet. Because back then, the only time he was quiet was when he didn't know how to say something (in English). So this time he was quiet because he didn't want to speak.

I can only remember walking around happy groups of people wishing I could imbibe a little bit of what they were feeling. I remember picking a fight, just so he would talk, throwing my car keys in the grass (which frustrated the hell out of him because he had to find it). We went home holding hands, but not hearts. He was leaving the country in a few days and wouldn't be back.

The next day, I went back to that fair by myself. So frustrated, It took me a couple of attenpts to light the cigarette I was trying to smoke while making my way throught the young crowd of students from here and there. Then I realized what my problem was, I was lighting the wrong end of the stick! That made me realize wht a wreck he made me into.

So tonight, there again I will be, with my strawberry cigarettes. Trying to push away these feelings of hurt still left inside of me.

Digging up the (double) dead

I have a new sordid story to tell....

Growing up, my aunt once had a doberman who died of old age. It was a big dog who could put his paws on her shoulders when he stood up, as if wanting to dance.
So they buried it in the backyard during the night. The next morning, they found out that someone had dug it up and stole the body of their beloved dog (i forgot the name)

So they thought it was one helluva mystery. Who would have any interest in a dead watchdog? Somebody told them that the family driver was seen that same night, chopping up large chunks of meat. Their suspicions were confirmed when that same man later remarked a few days after "So I guess it's true what they say about local meat tasting better than foreign ones." What a troglodyte.

They didnt bother reprimanding the poor guy. Dogs will hate him forever.

Ah Life.

I have no worthy personal notes of Valentine's Day.
It was nice to see so many happy women walking around with roses though. :)

Blue Onion and Green Mango shakes

Not quite a yummy combination, but this title kinda sums up my entire action-packed weekend.

Had an exhausting saturday, not just because of preparations for a magazine launch party, but also since I really wanted to squeeze in some gym time and a little shopping (Got two pairs of really cool brand new shoes, slacks and two tops, all bought in a record time of 30 minutes!) This always happens to me. I end up finding a job that affords me spending money, yet I cant seem to find the time to actually go out and enjoy it! So I'm overcompensating. Which will mean I'll be broke before I get my first pay.

So anyway, the event started at 8:30pm and i was there since 3pm so you can guess how icky i felt come start of the program. It was in a bar called Blue Onion in Eastwood city. First time I had ever been in there. But it was fun. I even won a designer blouse in the raffle!I love freebies. who doesnt right?

Sunday was a daze, was supposed to go to our choir's outreach program at 8am, but could not psych myself up in time to get there. Ended up going to the mall and carnival with my cousins who were visiting form the States. Crazy fun, except I simply cannot handle rides which involve me losing all control of my body. Its a miracle I didn't throw up. Almost did though. My cousin even caught everything on video. Sneaky bastard.

Dinner was great, someone sent up baskets and baskets of green mangoes from Pangasinan. We made them into gallons and gallons of shakes. Oh yum!

Tomorrow, me and my new boss will talk about my actual pay. I have been going to the office since Wednesday! I'm not all excited about it (this being the third world economy that it is), but lets just hope that they give me an offer wherein I won't have to consider other offers of employment.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I am happy. Not because I have a date, but because I am not broke, I got to spend time with people I missed so much, I am employed by unbelievably nice people and I am going shopping for my favorite korean stuff this week! :)

Potato Salad with mustard

Yesterday was a day well spent. In fact it was too well spent that I can't bring myself to go out today. I guess one could say it was a perfect day. How so?

My All-Time recipe for a Perfect day:
3 parts FOOTBALL (played under the scorching sun starting at 12:30nn.crazy shit!)
7 parts FRIENDSHIP (had the best possible home-cooked dinner with several good friends)
2 parts KIMCHI (met a new korean friend and got to catch up on my usual obsessions)
And lots and lots of Good food!!!! (can't beat andre's angel hair pasta with tomatoes and a "hint" of tuna, Their mother's special fruitcake with tutti-frutti ice cream which they brought straight from New York!, Honeylette & Jason's potato salad with mustard, which was the first thing to get wiped out(courtesy of moi!). Me and Fugsy pants made fruit salad with corn, which was by far the corniest (pun intended hehe) stuff there!

Another thing, i love washing dishes at my friends' house. It makes me feel like family. I think I have such great friends too. enuf' said.

I know i promised to write about my gym, but some new things have come up. I think I am finally employed! Although I only have to work three times a week, I have been put in charge of a new magazine! It is exciting, yet scary because I am very chicken shit (even though I try to never show it).

Lastly, it is also my very cute cousin's birthday tomorrow!!! Happy Birthday Chrisket! I know you actually take the time to read my ramblings, so heres to you my favorite cuz, all the way from Quezon City to San Jose!!! Maligayang Bati :)

Tuliro

As of today, I have applied for at least half a dozen jobs already.
Some online, some through friends' referrals (God bless their souls), some through the mass-saturated (ugh) classified ads.
I have also turned down four job offers already (and in the process have either majorly ticked off or disappointed important people who would have been my future employers).

And these were not just run-of-the-mill jobs, mind you.
Some required a brain-and-a-half to just be considered. These would've been great opportunities,
if it weren't for my total lack of interest.

It's not that I don't want to start working again, it's just that I can't seem to find a job I'd be amenable to staying with for the next couple of years or so. I am lost yet again.

I figured I could become a freelance gardener and just mow different lawns everyday. That would definitely lower if not totally extinguish my impending hi-blood in the near future. I'd probably live longer with a job like that, although I wouldn't be able to afford stuff like my favorite Ice Monster shit and the occasional kimchi goodies splurge.

I am so not focused right now. in fact, the only time I am forced to be focused is when I am memorizing the steps in my dance class! (heaven forbid I should be outdone by those other headless gym rats when i studied ballet for four and a half years!).

Anyway, this leads me to what my next entry wil be all about. My very revered gym.

Just something to read (which I didn't write)

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and
trouble to send me your darn chain letters over the
past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the
phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the
estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will
take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE
did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for
looking out for me!

I will now return the favor. If you don't send this
e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds,
a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at
5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand
camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin
twice removed.

Spooks

I talked to a ghost last night
One from the past, whom I never thought I'd meet again.
Funny how when he was so alive, he scared me a whole lot more.

Now he's made his presence felt yet again, out-of-the-god-forsaken-blue
He tells me he finally wants to write a book
"You should edit it" he says
And thats when I don't know what to say.

So I said yes and now were linked together again cosmically, for some indefinite period of time (depending on how well he writes)
For whatever reason that Fate wants me to revisit this twisted moment from our past,
I can only say, I am scared.

Scared because he has always been my snake in the garden of Eden, Temptation itself.

He who has always been unattainable, yet always within physical reach.
Him who tells me he wanted to be with me, yet left anyway
He who likes to talk about deep and dark things, yet accused me of being too cerebral for his taste
Him who I put so much faith into, yet could not have enough faith in himself
He who I missed like crazy, at a certain point in time.

I am scared, yes. But I know that deep down inside, I am also happy.
Because he came back to me, this time as a friend, almost like family.
Even though he's got a family of his own already.


Sometimes some things just seem spooky.

Just a bunch of coconuts

My best friend told me that somebody literally got crucified last weekend because of a bunch of coconuts.

My best friend lives in his grandparent's massively creepy house which has alot of tall coconut trees in its frontage and not enough people to guard the whole place. Apparently, this one monkey dude thought it smart to climb these trees and steal some of their coconuts. But he wasn't content with climbing one tree, so he climbed one after another til he was left with the biggest tree of them all. To bad he lost his grip way up high.

Now another thing about my best friend's house is that there are rails and rails of barbed wire and spikes all over (they also have a gun at home because they are constantly playing cowboys and indians with unwanted "visitors" every so often). Now the monkey dude, not only fell inside the perimeter of their house, but he also fell into the spikes.I heard it pierced through both his arms. Aw!

My best friend's family helped him out but now he's milking them for as much as he can! When he's not there trying to give them a guilt trip, he sends other people to "collect" for him! What audacity!

Now for other things, I love coconuts too (except the kind stolen from my best friend's house). I always drink them fresh and eat the soft pulp later. In Meteor Garden 2, Two of the lead characters (Axin and Yesha) love coconuts so much (thats all they could afford anyway) that they got diarrhea the next day! Anyway, I don't see the point why I'm mentioning this, I just needed to get that Jerry Yan parallel fact in.

Just a Letter

Hello, you old soul.
I know you are out there, not waiting for me.
You're probably living your life to the fullest, which is great because that means you are happy wherever you are.
I'd like to say I wish I could meet you someday, but not just right now.
I know I still have a lot of things to do, tasks left unfinished, goals unattained, whims yet to be fancied. And all this I need to do without you.
I may also have a lot of growing up to do.
I know you wouldn't want me t be immature (all the time)
And I wouldn't want to make life too hard for you when we finally get together.

I have been hurt and in turn, have also caused a lot of pain.
I have been lonely and have also been longed for.
I have experienced a gamut of all these diversified emotions in all its wayward levels.
I have been hardened by reality and softened by being loved.
I only wish you can be as lucky as I have been to have experienced all things in black, grey and white.

I have had sorrows, but no regrets
I have had elation, but no nirvana
I have had focus, but no true commitent
I have been loved, but not by you.

10 Things I hate about me

These aren't exactly things I bother to hate, but in tribute to my favorite movie of the same title, let's just squeeze it in......

1. I am a bad spitter
It's not like I am keen on spitting anyway, but during the times when I absolutely have to, It's just that I can't seem to get that perfect trajectory or even just a decent angle to aim at! I either end up spitting on my own shoe or worse, even my hair! Lesson of this story? Never spit. ever again.

2. I hate slimy fod
I know everyone in my family loves to eat eggplant omelette or even anything with egplant in it. I just can't seem to get over it's icky, slimy taste in my mouth. Not that it's a generelly distasteful thing (I'm pretty ok about moussaka), in fact I haven't even met anyone who shares the same distaste for it as me! Maybe it's because I love food in all its interesting textures and slimy just doesn't do it for me.

3. I hate unwanted visitors
Last year, I discoveredtwo suspicious alien elements n my chests (otherwise known as "The Lumps"). This kept me from doing work for one horrible month. But after I had them removed, I found out that it would not be the last time i would be playing host to these things, apparently, they had secured themselves some multiple entry visas courtesy of my family genes. Hopefully, the next time I see them, it'll just be for a short visit.

4.I am overly, doubly, immediately sensitive
All my friends know this or have felt it in some form or another (those poor souls). It's not that I'm an emotionally-imbalanced fruitcake, but I guess I just happen to have pretty high expectations from my friends (the real true blue ones). But in so far as my intimate circle of friendship is concerned, I have not been disappointed in a very very long time.

5. I over-analyze and hyper focus on everything
I have ruined "The Moment" on more than ne important occasion because of this unavoidable trait. Trying to be too cerebral about anything isn't always the best way to go (although i would tend to disagree). Like for me, what matters is not just what you say, but also what your not saying as well. Tricky, tricky I know. I just have a tendency to focus on all the little details that I lose sight of how grandiose the big picture is. Which brings me to my next trait....

6. I hate surprises
Who doesn't like the feeling of being in control, right? There are a lot of uncontrollable things in life as it is and I just want to make sure that I can at least be secure in some of the things that I have the power to control.

Or maybe it's just because not all the surprises in my life have been so great. Like in a pivotal year in high schol, my friends though it best to decide for me to meet up with a potential prom date. Which was all god and fine except that they never tld me which day I would be forced to face this unfamiliar member of the opposite sex. To top it off, this all had to happen on the day when I was wearing my lousiest unfiorm and ugliest socks! (I know I know, appearance is only secondary to what's inside, but when you've been trapped inside an all-girls catholic school for most of your life, these kinds of moments will have a deep-rooted impact on your psyche!) Call it trauma. Call it forgettable. I just really hate surprises.

7. I have the memory span of a goldfish
It's probably perfectly natural to forget birthdays, first names and faces even. But for me, it doesn't matter whether your a passing acquiantance or a longtime classmate, chances are I'd probably forget at the first year. Blame it on the numerous scholls I've been in and out of since college. Many a time have I had complete conversations with people I could not recall for the life of me. And during the course of this chit-chat, I will try to rack my mind for the slightest clue as to the identity of this person who seems to really know me. After that, find me dazed and looking up at the sky, wondering why the hell I couldn't have been smarter int his department.

8. I am stingy in some of the wrong places
I'd like to think that I know how to spend my (limited) resources wisely. Given my being currently unemployed, it's only natural for me t deprive myself of certain luxuries (like those yummy papaya shakes I've been hankering for lately). But given my warped sense of responsibilities, I tend to scrimp on matters regarding health and my safety in lieu of other "vitally important" things like books, magazines, good food and gym money.

9. I am way overly sensitive
Blame it all on the marathon kimchi soaps I've been watching for the past two years. Immersing myself in these things has admittingley made me too melancholic for my own good. Just recently, I've been revisiting Meteor Garden (which was what started EVERYTHING and now I am back t being hopelessly, endlessly smitten with Yan Cheng Xu (also known as Jerry Yan). Dammit.

10. ---------------------
I'm reserving this slot for one of my yet-to-be, soon-to-become thing that I might hate. I'm really glad I don't have anything too hateful inside of me right now, not for myself nor for others. Which is always a good thing.


Note: These things aren't listed in order of importance nor are they even that iportant. :)

There is more than one way to say I Love You

I LOVE YOU
English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bicol - Namomoot ako saimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino/Tagalog - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha


I wonder why I can't seem to get it right. For him.

Re:Unions

"A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest of men."
-Mr. Willy Wonka

The other night, I think I found myself.
Or rather, I found a piece of myself.
It all started with a text inviting me for a friend's bridal shower.

Now I, generally, view "get-togethers" as a very dubious thing.
especially with people whom I have not seen for the longest time (7 years to be exact)
I hate thinking that they have grown miles and miles already and I am still stuck in the quagmire that is my life (ugh).
My first instinct is to shy away from re-connecting rather than connecting (its the same odd feeling i get when i am at a mall and bump into someone I know)

But then, I thought, "What the heck, lets do this". I know I could always kick myself in the head afterwards if any awkward situations occur (which surprisingly, did not)

So off I went (with my meticulously chosen gift in tow). But first, let me tell you something about that gift. First off, I have never been to a bridal shower before in my life and had no idea what happens in these kinds of things. An aunt suggested something really racy so I went out and bought a really nice(?) stringy red thong.

I hate being late for anything (except math classes) so I was at GMA7 (her office) a little after 7pm. I registered at the guard (with my ABS-CBN I.d! the audacity!) and saw that our other friend had come in right before me (which I thank God for since I could not for the life of me remember their surnames and was too embarassed to ask).

I will admit that a bit of nervousness started creeping up on me as I was going up her office. But as with other nervous moments, I decided to just fake it. Heck, noone can tell the difference when you appear confident (successfully).

So then, everything started falling into place (or so I think). We hugged and talked and waited for our (very) late other friend who was stuck with endless work in a far-off traffic-stricken city. We talked about old college days and old, moldy college crushes.

We had dinner at this nearby pasta place with gigantic servings (I, of course had angel hair tuna pasta with capers and olives, a tribute to good ole adi bear who used to bring me this stuff when i wasn't feeling too great.) We exchanged contacts and updates on why things are going the way they are and why some things are not.

While they were talking, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. These three wonderfully brilliant and consistent individuals (all creme de la creme of our state university!) have not changed one bit! It was like the times I was still sharing lunch them during our freshman year. I felt no alienation, no distance. They are truly good people. And in this, I remembered a part of myself I had not gone back to in a long long time. I remembered what it was like to be genuinely nice inside. I missed that.

Considering I barely had just one short semester with them, It is enough for a lifetime of friendship to follow. I'm so glad were in touch again . Happy-happy Joy-joy!

Stuck again

I will never again be as young as I used to be.

But I am never going to be as old as am.

I am no wonderful paradigm.
I just wish to maintain the best of me.
No wrinkles, no hang-ups, no trauma. yet.
I want to be stuck in this time warp where I don't have to worry about money and responsibility, and boys were just another variety of the human species.

I want my days to stretch out into weeks on end where I do not get depressed, or lonely, or hopeless.
I want my hours to last forever when I'm reading a very good novel. I want to live in that book for a couple of weeks or so, swept up in a life not mine.
I want my thoughts (optimistic or otherwise) to linger with me and not just last for a fleeting moment or two.
I want to be as kind to girls as I am to boys, more naturally, and not just because I am saying it so.
I want to be creative, unique and spontaneous, most of the time.


I have not figured out what my problem is.

Fate/Faith steps in

Just when you think your going bonkers..

I think I was going to be quite jaded for a while (again), not just because of love, but because of a lack for opportunity at a decently legal job, a confusion on what career i really wanna pursue (to write or not to write...), where i wanna pursue/explore it ("Oh say can you see......") and when I really should embark on a "serious/adult-type of work"

But then again, i always believed these things would come to me in some sort of epiphany (ha-ha), or from some rude awakening (left in the dust again...). Or maybe I'll just start to get hungry and miss making as much money as i used to.

I really don't know where this blog is going, but I won't be able to finish it today. Maybe tomorrow or sometime this weekend. Ah, loose ends.

Just a List

There are a couple of things I am trying very hard not to hate right now.

I know "hate" is such a strong word, but given that I am such an extreme person, I know that if I am totally not liking something right now, then I probably will end up hating it already.

Here's a top-of-my-square-head list of things I could live without right now:

1. Onion skin-like toilet paper
I'd like to think that my mom is a very economical person. Although she can be very frugal, I never expected to get so frustrated with some of the things she uses. I simply cannot understand why anyone would buy house utilities that my be cheaper, but such a pain-in-the-ass (literally & figuratively) to use! I try to pull out at least 2 consecutive sheets, but trust me it aint easy. Plus, since it's 1-ply (yes, this proves I really am living in the third-world),I actually have to hold it with both hands and pull as gently as I can so It won't break off! Can you imagine how many brain cells this would have saved me if we had bought at least a generic brand?! Anyway, I have resolved to buy my own toilet paper.

2. Going out with couples
Man, I don't care if your all lovey-dovey or not, a couple is a couple and that ticks the hell out of me right now. I may be hated for this, but I can't deny what I feel. I've even declined a couple of nights out because of this and I'm too chicken shit to tell my friends the real reason why. Call me bitter, broken-hearted, lonely or cynical butI just don't feel like being around people especially when they're "coupling" (I hate this word!)I dunno if this is a fleeting feeling or not (I hope it is)

3. Muscle pain
If I had my way, I'd be at the gym all day, every day. But because of this thing called muscle pain/fatigue/soreness, I am limited to just working out really hard a couple of days a week. Maybe I'm getting older (NOT), maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep (Most likely).

4. Inconsistent people
I am a very detail-oriented person. I like things all neat and clear in my head. So when I deal with fickle-minded individuals with no backbone, I get very disappointed. I like people with opinions and stand by them. I like people who don't switch sides, depending on who's winning.I like friends who will not just act like a friend when they need you. I like lots of good and bad people too. If your bad, then I have no problem with that. As long as your consistently bad.What scares me the most are those who are inconsistent. You never know what to expect from them.

I guess it's not really healthy to dwell on the things you hate, so I'm sure a list of the things I love will pop up on this blog eventually. But these are just some of the things swimming in my head these past few days.

Telling Tall Tales

Today, I have nothing new to say.

No new accomplishments (I'm feeling too inept and hopeless about getting a regular job to write anything worthy of publication right now, To hell with deadlines!!!), no new feelings (still trying to numb things out by hiding out in my cousin's house and being unreachable for a few days).

I haven't even met up with anybody. Not my friends (who are all equally busy with life, love and their secretly sordid hobbies anyway) nor my co-author in this current quasi-relationship. But I am quite happy the way things are going (or stagnating) at the moment. No big changes. No major drama.

I've finally realized that I am most happy when I am with family. Whether I am with them in person, talking with them on the phone, chatting with them overseas or emailing them, I always end up with this cute fuzzy feeling. With family, I can be as inadequate, un-funny and as overly dramatic as I wanna be. I can be whiny, overbearing and impatient (to a certain volcanic point). I can wear (very) unwashed clothing, dance like stupid crazy and laugh like a hyena without anyone getting all weird on me. I am "special" to them in an un-psychiatric kind of way.And that's why they will always be part of me.

Actually, when it comes to blood relations, I have a very small family.
Come to think of it, some of the people I consider as family arent even legally related to me! Family are those guys who choose to take the time to care about me, be concerned about me and make me feel like I matter to them and vice-versa.
These are not obligatory feelings. Just plain solid friendship.

These past two days, I have been lucky enough to catch my cousin from Cali online. He doesn't know it, but I love being in touch with him again! We lost communication after I moved back to the country and now, more than 10 years later, I am relating to him like he just lives in the next city! I really wish I'd been able to grow up with him (were the exact same age). I'd be a better (much nicer) person for sure!

I mean, being apart that long, I'd have assumed he'd treat me like a semi-stranger! But you know what, the first time he emailed me back (I tracked him down on Good ole' Friendster!), he ended his email with the words Much Love (yeah, yeah, I know i'm being mushy-wushy, but it really did make all the difference to me). Dang, the effect reaching out does to someone huh? I guess I'm all the more happier now because of that.

So what's my tall tale for the day?
-Trying to glue together a uncooked blog with no real definition.
-Realizing that family will always come first, not necessarily relatives.
-Giving small, seemingly unimportant things (like time, attention and a little affection) can go a long way for some people (namely, me)

Well maybe they're really not so tall after all.

Cooking up a Storm

I guess I must really be asking for it.

I am currently in over my head with work (some assignments I really wanna do, others I wish I could just forget). Aside from the fact that I have not had a decent night's sleep since November, it has also bugged me endlessly that I got screwed over by a company who I am still (kinda) working for.

The thing with this company (hereby known as "Massive Tax Evader or M.T.E) is that it tries to gloss over all their major internal problems by giving you beautifully packaged bullshit. It has already loss its spot as the top mass media company of the country and not without good reason. They are literally going to the dogs.

They have yet to pay me for work I've done months ago for them and yet here I am, complaining of the work I am STILL doing for them. Ain't I a sucker for bullshit?

I wish the people in the big institutions (like MTE) would just play fair when it comes to wages, job status and honesty. Can't they at least be forthright about it when you ask them if theyre screwing you over?

So now, i gotta go finish one of the things I promised to do. Do research, interview, edit, yada, yada, yada. Heck, Binigyan na nga akong trabaho, humihingi pa ako ng suweldo?

Something to Share

Just wanted to share the best New Year's message I recieved last December 31st:

"To kinder gods and fiercer loves,
to brief jealousies and even shorter griefs,
To wine, to coffee, to sunsets and full moons,
To family, friends and country.
Happy 2005!"

My old boss sent me this and I just had to include this in my blog because rare are the things that make me wish I had been the one writing it.

(Hopefully) a fruitful 2005

This year, I've decided to give somebody a second chance.

I never even thought it out, lest I come up with some over-analyzed theory on why I should forever remain unloved in 2005.

Before I knew it, I was already on a date, holding hands with the one guy I thought I was never going back to. So much for dreams about my best friend (refer to my 1st entry) and reconciliations with my first boyfriend. I've already decided to do this, head first, not looking back at what havoc this would wreak on my psyche (and his). Because in the long run, I really can't see us together.

Kinda like this wicked roller coaster ride I took once. Felt like my insides were gonna spill out any minute, but i still held on knowing it was gonna stop eventually. 3 minutes later, getting off the ride, i felt like I had vertigo, hypertension and was pregnant all at the same time. but i'm glad i went through it (lest I be called King Chicken Shit by my unsympathetic friends). I'm glad I got through it. And thats how its always going to be. Do it, get through it and come out barely alive but breathing with still enough intensity left inside you to love again.

ha-ha, i'm talking gibberish i know. but isn't it always like that when your (supposedly) in love?