Out of Sorts

My fridge whacked me on the head today.
Or rather, it helped me whack myself on the forehead. Hard.
So today I’ve got this red mark that looks like an unfinished triangle on the upper side of my left forehead.

Now I’ve always reminded myself to stay away from sharp pointed metal objects (that in the past have led to accept words like “general anaesthesia” and “sutures”) but apparently, now I have to be wary of blunt inanimate things as well. My lackadaisical way of doing things sometimes gets the best of me and I know I should put more finesse in my actions. So mental note to thyself: Thou shall tone down a notch or two in the forcefulness department. This is actually a very good reminder because last Friday I almost chopped off the upper half of my right index finger while cutting thin carrot slices (which I last attempted doing many eons ago). You know that point where you feel your finger getting sliced and still you cut down all the way through? Ha, my brain doesn’t distinguish abrupt reactions, so I simply just “had” to chop all the way down. All the way down into my skin. This is so consistent with my personality, no mediocrity, no halfway options. I’m sometimes too severe for my own good.

Standing still

I am feeling like a sad sorry pile of crap right now.
I long for sleep, but am still at work. I almost dozed off on the train getting here, but my selfserving brain decided that its gonna be far more tiring to hop off a farther station than it is to keep yourself conscious for a few more minutes.(been there, done that, dont want to get off weird alien stations ever again)

Tonight, I dont feel like working out or doing anything that involves rigorous knee joint movement. Which unfortunately also involves brisk walking, which i love to do. Which also probably explains my newfound penchant for hailing down grandpa-looking cabbies. Commuting by taxi has never been that appealing to me til now. But still, I am heading to the gym after writing this entry.

I want to eat but I'm not really hungry. Its just my way of getting this sick feeling out of my mind's focus even for just a few peaceful minutes. Its like you feel like you are gonna throw up but never get around to doing it. Im a freak, i know.

I went to a media event today and they seated me right in front of our company's CEO, a fluke because i had arrived late and that was the only available seat! Of course I thought It was just another run-of-the-mill press conference that my editor didnt want to be bothered with, so I just showed up the way I usually do, in jeans, acceptable top (read:not the usual t-shirt) sans makeup. Apparently, It was a quick wake-up call. Yes, people will still respect you for your talent even if you look like garbage, but then it also helps that you can look the part that is assigned to you. Be it for representation purposes or for your own sense of self-confidence. It has finally sunk in that if I am assuming responsibility for the beauty and fashion pages in our mag, I should at least try to look the part lest someone think I do not fit the part.Shucks, and to think I was smug enough to think that I could get by with the same old me.

Dazed but not Confused

Finally, i am getting some things done in my life. Some things valuable, some vital, some trivial, some downright off-the-wall crazy. But the important thing is, things are happening, things are moving, and I am not in a rut.

Weekend was a blur. 2 hours funny sleep. Funny because I do not even recall dozing off and that was probably because I went to bed when the sun was already up and out.

It was perfect because I got to be with friends I wanted to be with, got to do things I wanted to do (like cook a nice sit down dinner with new friends, who are all still living and breathing by the way) and I also got to talk to others who I don't always have the chance to communicate with (read: not in the country)

In the past, I have already been accused as bitchy, moody, unforgiving and callous. I admit, I can be deliberately all that, but I dont choose to be. I would never choose to be. Someone just told me (you know who you are :) that I have a tendency to write viciously. A pretty strong word, considering I can't even bring myself to say anything cruel but honest about specific men I've met. And these are in cases when it was truly called for. If I may rant and rave, then it is a general feeling, a fleeting feeling if you must insist.

I dont even know why I am explaining this in my blog. I'd rather talk about this with you. Me vicious? Ha, you just wait.

If Only

I had wanted to do this list yesterday but my brain was in a hundred different places (just like my messy messy mental notes). There are a million things i want to do with my life and with a couple of thousand thoughts running through my head, I try to pluck out a few ideas every now and then (good and bad) that'll make the brain cells I burned while thinking worth the expense.

If Only.....

1. I could run down an upward bound escalator I'd feel so much more agile than today.
2. I could have the luxury of stopping and smelling the roses every once in a while
3. Men weren't so mean when they let you down.
4. I could turn pesco-vegetarian just like that.
5. Getting married was actually as nice as single people imagine it to be.
6. I could have one more day, just one more day with someone I'll never see again.
7. I could worry more about money than about life, then I'd be so much more richer
8. My cat wasn't as promiscuous as my mom says, then we'd still have her in the house.
9. Living by yourself wasn't so comfortable to make you think you could do it forever.
10. teeth were invincible, then I wouldnt have to buy can openers and knives anymore.
11. there more hours in the night to do all the things that I want.
12. people I like weren't too young or too old for me to consider.
13. I could have just one more playing year without fear of major injury or relapse.
14. Rain could make me just a little bit sad again (better than being indifferent)
15. Life could take me by surprise again.

wrongly titled

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-from Fire and Ice by Robert Frost

Windy times

My weekend was a blur. Finally moved into my own place albeit only temporarily. It's been great so far, quiet and empowering at the same time buying your own groceries and wondering if you still got enough money to get you through the next few days. Got a great view though. I love watching cars zoom through the highway at the oddest hours.

Only downside is that i can't bring my cat Mao to live there. I'm afraid she'll jump off the building like that unhappy has-been actress who did it on the very same rooftop a few years back. Being alone makes you think crazy things sometimes.

Anyway, its not like I've much time to actually settle in. Except for fixing my things, I havent exactly cozied up to the place. Was out all weekend with new friends, doing crazy things again. Which is all good with me, considering I sleep like a log after being deprived of rest 3 days in a row.

The past 2 days have been very windy, really cool weather, very little rain and just a little bit of sunshine here and there. I had lunch at my grandma's house today. Left office in the middle of the day. Now I think I'll be doing that daily. My grandma has been sounding more and more sad everyday, i can hear it through the phone and it tugs at my heart not to do anything about that. She's past 85 (as usual, I cannot remember anybody's exact age) and supposedly, she's as strong as a horse, even stronger than my mom and me especially when it comes to marathon malling (her favorite exercise), but now she's been feeling down, telling me how all the people she knows have already gone to a higher plane.

I know all my grandma wants is some time spent with her,talking with her, connecting, just being there to hear her out. Isn't that ultimately what we all want deep down inside?

To be reached out to.

Waiting...

All throughout my short unrelished life, for as far back as I can remember, all I've found myself is to be in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to go home, waiting to leave, waiting for meals, waiting for someone to come back, waiting for something to happen and waiting for things to change.

I know life is supposed to be a series of deliberate and unfolding events (not always unfortunate), but there are things that we just can't help but wait for. Just like the time my pet rabbit Jive (named after this Doo Wop band I really liked called Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers) broke his leg inside his cage (don't ask me how it happened, it got stuck in one of this playthings and i found him thrashing wildly til he disjointed himself. Trust me, it was not a pretty sight. And I'm not even going to start with the weird sounds I heard coming from that cage. Consider yourself lucky you will never have to hear a rabbit cry out in pain.

Anyway, so I brought him to the vet and he had his leg put in a cast. It kinda looked like a white plaster of paris fried chicken leg, and it was heavy for him to hobble around in, but it did help him heal faster.

So we did 8 months or so of waiting and waiting for that cast to come off, he was pretty depressed by then. But Jive eventually became okay and grew to the size of one fat lazy dachsund. He couldnt even hop like a proper bunny anymore! You know how a metal spring moves when stretched? That's kinda how he looked when he moved around the house. I think our dog even thought Jive was a dog too, cuz they got along fine (And I've got photos to prove it!)

So anyway, this entry wasn't even supposed to be about anything remotely profound, just an anecdote I remembered about one of my favorite pets growing up.

Wistful Thinking

I came across this island poem by Dennis Arthur Dames, a poet from the Bahamas while I was trying to suppress my urge to book a flight to go back to my favorite beach....


Tainted Thoughts

Tainted minds
Going strong
All the time

Nothing's right
All is wrong
Tainted thoughts still go strong

Tainted thoughts take a break...
Fresh visions of faith

A new day we do make
Tainted thoughts
The past ate

Fruitful thoughts are now new
Tainted thoughts, not renewed

Soft and Tasty

Starting tonight, I am officially on a soft diet.

Not by choice mind you, but because two of my uncooperative molars have decided to go on strike and refuse to allow me to chew on anything harder to masticate than tuna and gelatin. I tried to cheat by eating a heated-up beef jerky and those stupid chewers promptly put me in my place by shooting unmentionable amounts of recurring pain all throughout the day, thereby rendering me haplessly hungry and disgruntled.

Not that its totally a bad thing, this had preempted my long-term diet plan (yeah right). I think I can subsist on soup, Jell-O and ice cream (oh no!) for next month or so (my dentist is vacationing somewhere in Greece right now i think). Its not so bad. This'll give me instant punishment for eating (except for the ice cream part)

Something short of having someone chew on my food first (like a toothless grandma would have done), here is a list of stuff I managed to eat safely (but still cautiously) today:

1. Mooshey Wooshey Lasagna (late dinner)- i bought it at the convenience store at my
office lobby. It didnt look as radioactive after i nuked it several times. At least i could still distinguish the cheese from the pasta.

2. Coffee Jelly and Almond Jelly (not eaten together) - I had this for late lunch. Yummy stuff, but kinda made me feel like I was tricking my body into eating hardened liquid.

3. Overcooked Oatmeal (late breakfast) - I love oats. It is filling, affordable and I eat it at all times in the day (even as a midnight snack!). But making it (even the easy to cook variety) has sealed my fate as an eternally terrible cook. I can't afford to watch the pot before I burn it! I heard Quaker Oats has launched chocolate flavored oatmeal already. Will definitely check it out once I finish my sack of oats at home.

It is almost 11pm. I am still at work. I am not halfway done here yet. I had to turn down a night out with good music. I missed gym (and my favorite back-to-back classes). I am bummed, but there are other things that offset that fact. I like being missed :)

Damned and Delirous

I've done alot of stupid things in my time, but dont recall ever really regretting any of it.

The photo above is from one of my top 3 movies of all time "Before Sunset."
I love how the two people never really got together but never really stopped liking each other. I liked they can meet again, just pick up where they left off (gradually of course) and still be as eloquent as hell without having to jump in the sack the first chance they get. If I got that exact same chance, I would go for it, despite the years of uncertainty and self-doubt. I would choose that over stupid mind games with available men with questionable IQs and kissing abilities (ha! such a cheap shot)

Sex is never the answer to anything real anymore. Love isnt always a question either.

anyway, ive been offcially awake for 36 hours now. So I take partial responsibility for all the dumb (but immensely) fun things i've done over the weekend with. Funny how proximity and openness to share brings out the best (not always worst) in people.

I am delirious because I finally got to get an idea of how it would feel to get close to an ex-crush! Of course I was still curious about alot of things about him (Talent is a very strong aphrodisiac and he sure has alot of it!). There's nothing like being so close to intimate that piques the interest and staves off sleepiness.

I wil be damned because I admit, i have done alot of stir-crazy things with this lifetime. I can be offensive, impulsive and irresponsible on occasion (quite a rarity now. the stick up my ass is too far wedged in to be taken out now)

I am having fun now wth my life, nothing is really a big bother. I can do what I want, be who I want to be and afford myself the experiences I choose to go into. In other words, I am still free to be as whacked out as I want to be. God Bless the undiscovered single girl who prays for the proverbial ball and chain and yet, still enjoys every glorious perk of irresponsibility and immaturity.

Hiccups and other Oddities

Eureka!
I have finally discovered how to upload photos in my blog! (yes, laugh all you want, but it is really a major milestone in my little sluggish technophobic life)

It's almost 3am and i am still in the office. I wanted to talk about movies but I'm too brain-drained to churn out a proper review. Instead, I chose a photo from one of my favorite movies (i love subtitled films!) Amelie. I loved Amelie Poulain! I love how she also likes to tap and break into newly-made creme brulee with a spoon! She is everything I would expect from a perky slightly weird Parisienne. I love movies that keep you guessing how it'll turn out in the end. I also loved A Very Long Engagement.

Earlier this evening i developed a bad case of hiccups. My editor kept urging me to drink water because i sounded like a sick puppy walking around the office with my high-pitched hiccups. I, on the other hand, found it amusing. Not everyday do I emit sounds like that. But the problem was, it just wouldnt go away. i mustve drunk a 3 liters of water before I could talk straight again (which secretly bummed me out though)

anyway, i still gotta go to the printer after this. It's still so dark outside. But I don't mind. I like seeing the different.

Getting Fruity

Finally, my head is clearing up.
I finally got to catch up with my friends (where else but through their blogs of course)
Check out what interesting stuff has been swimming in my best friend's head if ya got time:
http://toneconscious.blogspot.com/2005/05/random-thoughts-throughout-day.html

my knee is still not in tiptop shape.
I used it sparingly throughout the week (except during two of my favorite dance classes). I wish I could just wake up and discover that the all too familiarly nagging ache has totally disappeared. But no dice so far.

I was a (very) happy camper last night.
Remember what i was ranting about in my previous post? well, God made a way to (more than) make up for that.
Somebody walked me home last night!
Not that its such a big thing. Friends walk each other home all the time. It's just that the difference was that this guy's home was all the way in the opposite direction! And i just found that out! He didnt even tell me where he lived. he was so cool.

I'm not talking about being romantic here okay, i just think that these kinds of gestures, so unexpected and so simple to do, are a rarity in a world where guys are often only most chivalrous when there is something in it for them. (tell me im wrong, i dare you)
It just made me so happy that someone would do that for me.
He probably doesnt know it, but he restored my faith.
Thanks Adrian.

Men (o) Pause

I am through with men.
Lousy men to be exact.
Lousy dressers, lousy kissers and lousy men who can't even be expected to think up lame excuses for their foul-ups. The least they can do is not to insult your sense of logic ("I'm sorry I can't go out tonight. I won't be able to make it.") What? Never mind the What, what about the Why?
Logical rule of thumb states that "If you weren't given an excuse, then there probably wasn't one to begin with."
If they cant find a way to cushion the disappointing blow of letting you down, then how else can you expect them to come up with cohesive alibis that won't totally break your heart? At least you can always quit while your ahead.....

I take that back.
Men aren't all lousy. Inconsiderate people are.
As my best friend ever-so-aptly puts it. The stupid gene is found in all sexes.

That is why, when you play, make sure you like fires.

Let Me Blow (Dry) Your Mind

Recently, I've discovered the perfect way of de-stressing myself.
Given the fact that I think I've just majorly injured myself over the weekend (my right knee feels like it's going to break off with every creaking movement), I also have to impose a very strict vow of abstinence from any gym work this week (ha-ha, lets see if i can stick to it by friday).

Given the circumstance, I've accepted that the only compromise I can make to console my body (already experiencing withdrawal symptoms from not seeing the treadmill in 24 hours) is to immerse myself in a long, relaxing steam and sauna ritual (which i think is actually helping me gain mobility in my knee!) I bought some girly-girly stuff last weekend (a direct copycat of my friend Mitch's must have list) which included peppermint foot scrub, oatmeal body scrub and yoghurt hair treatment wax. All I can say is that after just a week of using these implements, I really have to watch it before I develop some sort of bastardized Oedipal complex (i love smelling my hair every so often!)

But the bestest, bestest part of this beauty routine, the piece de resistance, is the blow-dry. My gym has installed new updated versions of industrial blow dryers with half a dozen confusing settings, one of which i am now very familiar with, the "cold breeze without the saltwater" setting. I love it! My hair's grown pretty long and I was always thinking of cutting it, but now it just looks so pretty hanging (almost) straight below my shoulders. It's also a very relaxing process. Trying to dry it layer by layer, watching my hair being tamed after years of hiding them in a bun (blame it on ballet) or in a severe ponytail(i liked the school marm look too haha).

Tonight, I will try to sneak in and watch a dance class for once. It'll be weird not being upfront with my friends, but I also welcome the change of perspective. But I will also look forward to the welcoming refuge of the women's locker room.