Mangoes & Papayas

Leaning Right

2009-08-05T04:58:00.000-07:00

I always thought I was sensitive enough, more than any average person out there. I actually thought I was too sensitive for my own good. But I just realize it wasn't enough. And it took an injury to give me time to think things over and have a newfound appreciation for the things around me.

I hate being sidelined and I have always been used to always being on the go. If it weren't for this, I would probably not have set aside time to think things through. Although I don't think anyone would wish to be on crutches for two weeks or so, it has been a valuable learning experience so far.

1. I am now really grateful for handicap-friendly things like handle bars, ramps and priority parking spaces. Considering that even going up a flight of stairs tires me out lately, these things have made my life a little less uncomfortable. Add to this the random acts of kindness I get from total strangers (although I still have to work on feeling less guilty when asking for help or being dependent on someone to open the door for me and other stuff like that).

2. Time seems to go by fast when your so slow. I wouldn't call myself mobile right now. i hobble, hop or try to slowly side to the general direction of where I want to go, but it is not a fun trip. In fact, if my butt didn't get so numb sitting in one spot the whole day, I would probably prefer to just not go anywhere. I never thought it would be so taxing just to go to the loo. Don't even ask about how laborious it is to get dressed and vice-versa. My grandma, who is 75 pounds, just had hip surgery and uses a walker, would probably make me eat her dust if we raced each other to the kitchen. Knowing that i won't be able to take off my cast til next next week is already killing me. I can only imagine how it would feel to have to use a machine to get around for the rest of your entire life. I know I'm still lucky. My cousin broke his leg in a really major way a few years back and had to use crutches for about two years. Now I truly, truly feel for what he went through.

3. It's kind of funny how in my grandma's house, it's no big deal to see somebody using crutches. In fact, they've got two sets in the house. Because at some point, somebody in the household has had to use it. At least now I won't feel like the resident idiot who was clumsy enough to sprain themselves. Right now, being around family, for me is the best medicine. Because they are unconditional, genuine and natural. This realization pounds into my head that no matter what happens, you can always count on family. You can't always count on your friends to worry about you, they have their own lives to worry about. Only family will stick around even when you turn into this crabby, boring, useless sack of self-pity.

4. Resting has done me good. But it has also made me aware of who actually cares enough to ask about me. I don't really mind not hearing from those who I am not really in touch with, but for those who knew, and still didn't ask, I am kind of disappointed. Yes I know people are busy, distracted or usually problematic, but to someone who knows now nice a text or a quick call would have been, it meant a world of difference. Because sick/injured/sad people sometimes just need to know they are still being thought of.

I want to become a brand new version of me when I get well enough to walk properly again. I will not take my right leg for granted anymore. I will spend extra time taking care of those who really love me and I won't care anymore if all I can write are about these kind of things.

Crap

2009-08-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

It was really challenging to keep positive today...

It wasn't so much the non-stop rain, but everything else just seems to be going downhill and I don't exactly want to explain why. One of the side effects of the human condition is the inability to control certain emotions. Or the ability to hold it all in and feel so bad afterwards because I can't just let it go like everybody else. Tempting as it sounds, I have yet to actually try leaping before I look because I'm always expecting the worse case scenario to happen.

I guess I don't mind so much anymore. I know well enough when to push it or just leave things be. I know when to stay and fight for something or just move on to a different road. I know well enough not to want things not meant for me. I know I'm not greedy like that.

But sometimes, I wonder. Is it too much to ask just to get a hug?

Meet my friend named Pain

2009-07-31T00:08:00.000-07:00

I’m not letting this stupid sprain get the best of me.

It’s the middle of the Friday work day and by this time I am usually secretly rejoicing in my head that the weekend is finally here. But this week has been different. I am not mobile. And every day feels exactly the same.

My foot has swelled up to what I can only describe to be what is the nearest possible version of an elephant’s foot. Add to that, I feel the onset of a cold coming on and I also suspect I am slowly turning into an emotional train wreck. Maybe everything just seems magnified because I can’t walk a few feet without being reminded again and again of my limitations. Maybe it's because I refuse to wear crutches because I'm scared of looking ever-so-muggable in the dark, or maybe it’s because my term at this job is coming to an end and I haven’t really laid out any concrete plans for the future yet. But maybe it’s just because I’m starting to feel lonely again. Oh no, not again. It's all too familiar now... I’m always surrounded by so many people, yet I know they can’t really see me.

I can’t remember feeling this bad since I was last injured. Maybe because drugs have a way of numbing out the pain. But I’m not doing that again. And I want to remember this feeling every time I step on the field to play. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

Part of me is relieved to have an excuse not to train for a while. I need to find other things to define me. I thought I was already happy where I was. But of course, just when I felt settled in, Life pulls the rug from right under me, yet again. I should know better by now.

Part of me feels like hibernating from the world for a bit. But I think no one is going to miss me anyway. So why bother? I can live just like how I’ve always lived and no one would know the difference. Not one bit. So now, all I have is this sprain as a constant reminder that I am alive and have the ability to feel that utter nagging tug of pain each time I take a step.

After this, when all is well and healed, the sad thing is I will have nothing more substantial to whine about. So what happens next? Guess I still have a few more weeks to find out....

Staying

2009-07-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, this 25 year old girl hung herself with a nylon cord in her room. Single, fairly successful and hopelessly in love, her family discovered her body only after a day and a half when the boyfriend dropped by to visit after not hearing from her after an earlier fight. She was a friend of a friend. But her death resonates through the people she knows. It’s always sad when someone’s story comes to an end. I know a lot of people who walk around with constant thoughts of self-destruction and despair, but most of them usually never get around towards doing anything concrete about it. We wallow, but we don’t obsess about Death. Because ultimately, we want to defy it and really just live. So when we find reasons to feel a little bit better, we choose to stay.

I don’t really want to know anymore about what the lover’s quarrel was all about or whether it could’ve been avoided if people around her had taken more notice (why, do suicidal people walk around with a little black thundercloud above their heads?). There’s really no turning back once death has arrived. And the most we can do is to cope and realize that we don’t ever have to feel like we have to end our stay ever-so-abruptly.

There was also this goalkeeper from the varsity team of this big university who had also taken her life a few years back. The news at that time really surprised me because for one, I was a goalkeeper myself and would have thought that playing for a big-time school was like a dream come true, and secondly, because well, isn’t sports supposed to steer you away from things like depression? Apparently not.

This is my very first blog entry about death and I do hope it’s my last. I haven’t wallowed in my usual choice pits of despair in a while and I think I’m starting to get used to always looking at the bright side of things. Spinning them positively. There will always be a choice on how you choose to view things. I can look at these suicides and confirm what a horrible, cruel world we live in or I can tell myself I will try harder to make the world a better place for my family and friends to live in. Because at the end of it all, you can’t really be truly happy if the people around you are suffering, losing hope or sad.

I always get a little bit scared when I have to take a psych evaluation and there’s a box there that you check if you’ve ever contemplated on ending your own life. Of course any idiot who wants to be considered employable knows to never admit any big-ass form of self-doubt like that, but there’s always that part of me that wants to be honest about how I (once) viewed this crazy world. How I used to obsess about wondering if today or tomorrow was going to be my last. It gave me a skewed sense of power to know that I could choose when I could just quit. It was like one big f**k you to those who didn’t care enough to ask why my life just didn’t feel like it was worth continuing. That dark, dark, gloomy place…

But thankfully, the world has been much kinder since then. I’ve started to appreciate the rain as much as the sun and I’m not so bothered by awkward moments anymore. In fact I’ve learned to embrace all of these things as a oddly perfect mix of what life is really all about. I now understand that just like with each new crush can also come a potentially hurtful jerk. That not all the people I meet with choose to stay and be worth keeping anyway. That I will continually make mistakes, forget a lot of things and sometimes write nothing but crap. That my choices will never be perfect (especially in math) and that even in the hardest of days, I endure.

Sometimes barely, but I’m still here.

And then there was you

2009-07-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought life would just keep giving me lemons, I end up one day with an orange in one hand.

I'm not complaining. There are worst things in life. Last week was all about the rain and how I could never get to the office without getting officially drenched. And to save myself the trouble (and expense) of having to buy a new outfit from top to bottom just so I wouldn't look like a refugee, I would always bring extra clothes to work.

I've long given up on the fact that any makeup I put on at home will make it through the roughly hour and quarter hour commute. And since I consider beautification to be a private (and somewhat embarassing) ritual which I rarely even do, I am not inclined to share my technique (or lack thereof) with the other girly-girls in the women's powder room.

My new blue automatic umbrella is my best friend. Without Tilda (yes, she now has a name) I feel less confident, less ready and therefore less powerful. Not that would ever plan to use tilda as a weapon, but just the idea that I can whack some crazy jerk on the street if he ever planned to do something funny gives me strength. But thank god there has been no instances for that (although I suspect it is largely my cluelessness about the real evils in the world that has kept me feeling safe even when I am walking down some dark lonely streets at a weird hour). So there, me and Tilda have become inseparable. She keeps me safe and I, in turn, keep her dry.

Life is a Buffet

2009-06-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

I’m no genius but I think I just might have discovered a way to people figure out.

I’ve realized that the way I approach life is pretty much how I would carry myself when I’m at a buffet. I could be wrong about this, but it kind of feels right.

First off, I just love a good buffet. The variety of choices, the sensory overload and just the thought of all that food gets me excited in ways that most people would find weird. You would think I would indulge and stuff myself silly (I would if I could, actually), but surprisingly, that’s just not the case.

At first I thought it was because I didn’t have a good “battle” plan. I thought maybe I should eat the light stuff first before going for the main dishes (which will backfire if you start with the salads, because all that fiber will make you feel full faster), or maybe that I should try all the desserts first (this tactic won’t make you full, but the sugar crash-and-burn effect later is so not worth it). I keep looking at all these foods and end up stumped because everything becomes overwhelming. I never zero in on anything (except maybe steamed dimsum. You can’t go wrong with dimsum.). But I am excited by all the possibilities.

So what ends up happening? I get a little bit of everything. I try my darnedest to taste test everything unfamiliar. I rationalize that even if I didn’t eat the buffet’s worth in quantity, I did get to taste a week’s menu of this and that. Both my mind and my tummy end up feeling equally full. I got my mental satisfaction, which to me, makes the trip more worth it than anything. It’s a new experience of sorts. To now have the authority to have an opinion on that-which-was-not-tasted-ever-before.

Applied to life, I think I am the same way. I enjoy doing different things, changing it up every so often. But doing and learning are different. I can keep doing things, but not really learn from them (like how to stop mourning over failed friendships that are supposedly not worth it). or I can go through the whole alien process of discovery and add a new talent, skill, knowledge or trivia under my belt. I hate to say it, but it’s always important to learn something new. Even if that something new proves to be worthless info to you.

I used to think I was a creature of habit. That I can wake up, go to work, go home, curl up in my cozy bed with a good read and be thankful for another uneventful day. But I was wrong. It is nice to have someone to reach out to out of the blue to meet up after work. It is fun to get a little bit lost and try a new route going home every once in a while. It is fun to have other options of things to do. Even if you never end up doing them...

If I would be asked if I liked meeting new people, I think I would hesitate before eventually answering yes. Because yes sounds like the right answer. But is it my real answer? I’m not really sure. Because when you meet someone new, that person could be a potential friend or a potential hurt waiting to happen. But I’ve also learned that it always pays to see it through. To not deny cultivating relationships out of fear.

Some people approach a buffet and will make a beeline for their favorite dish and be perfectly happy just eating that. I admire these folks. They know that it doesn’t take much decision-making for them to be happy and they stick to that. They keep their life simple. They won’t feel like they could’ve tried more, eaten more or less than what they had. Simple can be boring, but it can be safe too. And feeling safe is hard to achieve, I think.

Some people will try to eat as much as they can, take in everything, regardless what their tummy says. They are admirable in a sense that they are making the most out of the experience. They are living it up in that short span of time that it takes to enjoy a full meal. But I could never do that. I’d feel like crap afterwards and all it takes is a quick trip back to that memory lane I like to call "Episodes in the Boulevard of Traumatic Overeating"and that’s enough to stop me from making another round. These people, I can imagine, go through life just doing everything and anything, even if it changes them, hardens them or even worse, destroys their inner core. These are those who have definitely been there and done that, But I don’t feel the need to go to that extreme. I will push my limits, but I refuse to stand at its edge.

So there, maybe Life isn't exactly like a buffet. But sometimes it is. You just watch and learn from it (if you can find the time to stop eating).

Three Little Words

2009-06-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I shouldn’t be allowing myself to write anything non-work related today. But I suspect that the reason why I haven’t been able to get any actual work-related writing done is because I needed to get these thoughts out of my head first. So here goes…

First off, sorry but no, this entry isn’t going to be about THAT particularly popular set of three words. And it’s not because I’m in love or not in love. This just isn’t going to be that kind of blog entry (at least not for today).

Everyone knows the power of words. It can either bring your spirits way up or bring you crashing down, depending on three factors: namely, what was said, who was saying it and even how it was delivered. All this happening to you in a span of a few seconds. You find yourself at the mercy of who your talking to. An unwilling recipient sometimes. And there really is no escape.

Do you know what power you yield when you speak to someone? Words can literally feel like it’s cutting you open like a knife, or be light as feather caressing your face. Either way, they affect you afterwards. Sometimes, I admit I just say whatever pops into my head, no prior editing involved. It works for me, this system of no regrets. Because the lessons I’ve learned from it have been important, and most of the time, painful.

So now, I appreciate when people take the time to say something kind and genuine. You don’t want people being kind to you just because they pity you. It doesn’t feel the same. You’d feel better off if they had not said anything at all, if that was the case.

So what three little words am I talking about? It could be about anything and anyone. Some examples come to mind:

“How are you?”
This seems average enough, but it’s not. When people ask you this, if they’re really your friends, they really do expect to really find out what’s up with you. The fact that they even bothered to ask is a nice thing in itself. With millions and millions of people in the planet, why even bother to ask you?

“I miss you”
Self-explanatory, I know. But most of us go around thinking and feeling this exact sentiment, yet never get around to verbalizing it. We just let people be part of our life without getting around to telling them how they can affect us. Either because we’re too shy, too proud, or even because we're sometimes just too busy. But that still doesn’t discount the fact that we still feel it anyway.

“You home safe?”
I guess it translates differently to a person whether this is said through phone or text message. It really does make all the difference that they even bothered to ask. I walk around in a crowd daily and literally feel invisible sometimes. It’s nice to have people around in your lilfe who validate your existence by looking for you (hopefully not because you owe them money or something like that haha).

There, it's out of my head.
Now back to the rat race....

Right on the Money

2009-06-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

My horoscope for the day:

"You're still worried about work -- but you really don't need to be, especially if it's that issue you know you really should have let go of several days (and maybe even weeks) ago. When you're feeling obsessed, however, there's really no talking to you, and no way to distract you. Remember, though, that getting too involved in anything never works out favorably. Go to a movie, call a friend or take up a new hobby. Just keep your mind busy."

When all else fails, thank god for cosmic advice and my Magic 8 Ball....

LBU, I love you

2009-06-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

LBU, I love you

I can hear the wind howling from outside. And though rainy weather normally gets me down, I have surprisingly been either too distracted with work or with friends to really be affected enough by the dreary weather.

Today, in a sea of black umbrellas, I find myself being the only one in white. And no, I didn’t say that for cinematic purposes. I just realized it this morning on my way to the office. Normally, I too would be carrying my beloved automatic LBU, but I left my Little Black Umbrella at work yesterday and had to grab one of the many new ones at home. For some reason, my mom has managed to amass a significant number of umbrellas as corporate giveaways or gifts. But this is not the point.

The point is, noone uses white umbrellas anymore. Why? I personally don’t like it when they get old and rusty. The dirt is too telling. It is hard to maintain. But then again when I look at everybody else’s black umbrella, it makes me think about why they would want something as lovely as an umbrella to be in such a drab color. The weather is gloomy enough. But it seems, as with most Pinoys, the safest choice is always the best way to go.

Because a black umbrella will never ever look too dirty or neglected. It won’t fade or look broken even when it is (unless of course the metallic spider-like thing inside breaks apart). People like that, when things still look normal, even when they’re not. Even when everything is breaking down.

I know I’m starting to veer off in a figurative direction here, but it still holds true. Everyone has their own LBU which keeps them safe (from the elements, muggers and possible staring from other people). My white umbrella keeps me safe too. But it also draws attention. And as much as people like to be safe, they always seem to have this unfailing curiousity for what is different.

Now my theory on that is the same one that I apply when I'm out trying new food for the first time. It doesn’t necessarily have to always be mind-blowingly good for me to try it, it just has to be different from what I’ve tried before. So when I see someone wearing something outrageous, it won’t really register to me as something I should label as fantastic or what-not, it’s just different. Same applies with people. How tragic if everyone was the same. You see, we don’t always have to agree. You are you and I am me. Also, there’s no wrong answer when giving out opinions (unless of course, your just copying from someone else’s).

Uh-oh, I can hear the wind howling again....

Tonight, I finally got to try Nissin Ramen’s new instant noodle flavor, Thai Chicken. Being a fan of Thai food (or more specifically, anything sweet that’s not made of pili nuts or langka haha), I had high expectations. It was just as sour as I expected, but the quality of the noodles were so distractingly "boring" (for lack of a kinder word) that I don’t think I’m eating it ever again. Which makes me crave for SOMS Thai kitchen in Makati again. Ugh. Except for their crappy outdoor plastic stools, I just love eating there.

Next week, I look forward to checking out this place called Heavenly Chocolate (with equally adventurous friends) and I'm morbidly curious about their Penne pasta with bacon and chocolate sauce. Bad timing because of my self-imposed chocolate ban this week. But good timing because it gives me something to look forward to (food is always a welcome motivation.)

Yesterday, a friend talked about being enlightened after finally figuring out that there really was cosmic balance in his life. I wish I could figure out mine. Is it being happy, healthy and in love with love? Is it being employed enough to afford myself the pleasure of getting to eat what I like? Or is it as simple as being positive enough to not wallow in the usually-tempting depths of my self-imposed despair? I choose to be happy lately. Because I can.

Thank God.

So what does a sandwich mean to you?

2009-05-27T04:38:00.001-07:00

Unusual heading, I know. But this question has been floating in my head since this weekend. Since someone offered to make me sandwiches for lunch. Now I know it’s no big deal. But it can be, if I make it out to be. Because in this day and age, everybody’s always so busy. It’s so much easier to just get a value meal at the nearest fast food than to make a sandwich from scratch. But that is just so darn boring, not to mention utterly, unromantic (I think romance can exist in actions, not just between two people!).

If you think about it, much goes into preparing a nice, well thought out sandwich. First, you’d have to head out to a nice supermarket (I love the ones who are open ‘til odd hours because I get a kick out of seeing who likes to shop when they could be out partying or something like that), you should already have a list of things you need to buy (I learned from my last grocery trip that buying sandwich spread instead of getting mayo and a bottle of relish is so-not-a-good-idea. It doesn’t make your spicy tuna sandwich taste the same. Bleecch.), and having to start getting ready earlier than usual to prepare these things in time to wherever your going.

Now, knowing all these, and still offering to make a sandwich? Pretty cool. If that person only knew how grateful I was to receive that particular sandwich, they’d be pretty uncomfortable with all my gushing right now. Because it’s so much more than just a sandwich, it’s an act of true friendship. Which is what everyone needs to feel, every now and then. Even if it’s just in the form of your favorite peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat.

That feeling of Want

2009-05-27T04:19:00.000-07:00

It’s another challenging day. What once were just a series of weeks of writing and non-writing has turned into this big crazy scary yet rewarding new set of responsibilities that has me constantly pushing my comfort zone wider. And has given me a better sense of self-worth. But there have been days, when I still feel like a fluke.

Part of my new job is to conceptualize articles and figure out which photos and text to put in. Today, work involved looking at hundreds of photos of couples for a relationship article. Shots upon shots of couples hugging, smiling and posed in a variety of uncompromising situations (or should I say positions?). I know I should not let it get to me. But it kind of still did. I can only view so much intimacy without wanting some for myself. As much as I consider myself more self-reliant and independent than any average woman out there, I can’t help but give in to loneliness sometimes. Even just for a moment or two. And then it sinks in. That dreaded feeling of Want.

Now the only thing worse than wanting something is wanting something that money can’t buy. Now money definitely can’t buy genuine intimacy. See it’s not just about being close to somebody, but being close to somebody whom you can feel also wants to be close to YOU. I can’t even remember the last time I got to hold someone’s fine warm hands (I have a thing for hands, you know). I know many instances where I feel like wanting to hold someone’s hand, but can’t. I can’t bring myself to bridge that gap and just grab what I want. I would never ask for it either (not just because I’m chicken sh*t, but also because I’m not sure it’s wise to step into that place full of landmines of uncertainty), whatever that means.

To be totally honest, inspite of the added stress, I am quite happy with my life right now. I love The Present. But it would definitely be an added bonus to have someone to share this happiness with too.

Never

2009-02-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

I’m never letting you know….

That there are things I thought I’d never ever compromise… just to be with you. Just when people start thinking me too intelligent for things like I this, I go and disappoint them just like that…. for a chance at some time with you. Even though it seems illogical and impossible, I can’t bring myself to say no. Even though every single cell in my body is telling me that this isn’t looking good, I still choose to stay. Why? What for? Even if we play by the rule of probablilities, the chances are moot. Because you are you and I am me, we will never be. Because I’m square like that and you are like a haze. You drift in and out of my life and I still try to catch a hold of you every single time. I feel boxed in by my limitations, but you tried to set me free, or rather, you’d tried and let me feel how it feels to be free. But freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Because you can also mess yourself up too much if you keep doing what you do. And what’s worse then getting royally screwed by someone else is when you’re doing it to yourself. So maybe I’d better leave you alone. Even my horoscopes have been warning me. You are none of my business. And I don’t want to get too dirty. I’m self-destructive enough as it is. And you say you don’t want my help. You have enough angels guarding you. Or maybe it’s just me you don’t want help from. I’m never letting you know… that I liked you enough to stay.

Not yet please....

2009-02-10T03:05:00.000-08:00

And to think I thought 88 was my lucky number.

My grandma turned 88 last December and it just never dawned on me how old she had gotten 'til my aunt pointed out to me that we should take my grandma out more often because the time will come sooner or later when we won't be able to go malling anymore with her. Call me naive, but I thought I'd be taking hmy grandma out on on movie dates forever. Our little dates that have become few and far in between (much to my regret and everbusy schedule).

My aunt had arrived from the states last week of November for a long vacation and she's been focused on making sure my grandma eats more and talks more. My grandma, who loves to go window shopping, gets to go out more frequently now. But last weekend she started feeling ill. Until then, I never noticed how bony and shrunken she had become. My grandma, who takes forever to get ready to go out because she loves to put on makeup and look real pretty and fashionable all the time (She always tells me I dress too conservatively for my age!). The same grandma who outlasts me when it comes to walking around the mall because my feet give up after an hour or two. This is the same grandma who has always beaten me in Scrabble even with her eyes closed.

It all started Sunday when we had my nephew's baptism in the afternoon and so we had to bring her back to my uncle's house. She was so weak that for the first time, I had to carry her from the car to her room. It felt weird considering one of my earliest memories of childhood was when my mom left me with her during the day and I played with our dachsund Dingdong while she did her gardening. Now, I was the one carrying her like she was the child. And she was so scared too. So fragile. I told her to put her arms around my neck, but she refused and was kicking her legs in the air all the way into the house because she thought we were going to drop her. My grandma is half-blind with glaucoma and I can guess just how scary things may look to her when her visibility is bad and she's feeling sick.

But today, I just found out she's been admitted to the ICU with a blood clot in her brain the size of something scary. How scary? That, I am not sure yet. But the doctor says that when it comes to blood clots, even a hairline size one would be cause for worry, what more if it was bigger?

To be honest, I have never ever experienced coming close to losing anyone in my immediate family, so this is all new to me. Hopefully, she will get better in the days to come because I hope for nothing more than that. I am not scared of the inevitable, but it is a sad, sad thing nonetheless. I hope it isn't her time yet. I hate surprises. And Death, though I am not afraid of it, is a foreign concept to me until now.

I think this is also the same reason why I never attend wakes. Not to disrespect the dead, but because I just dont know how I should conduct myself in those places. I'd be feeling as out of place as ever. So I'd rather pray for them from afar.

Disappointed

2009-01-23T03:40:00.000-08:00

Gosh, it sucks to go straight to emo mode.
Especially, when I can't help it. Disappointment seeps in and I can't seem to shake it off.
I've lived with it all my life. But somehow, I just cant seem to get used to that sad sinking feeling of being caught unaware yet again.

That's why I think I'm so overly-OC about things. I like knowing that there won't be any twists at the end. Surprises are excruciating torture for me. If theres a tragic ending to something, I'm better off anticipating it than being blissfully unaware. This has made me into the control freak that I am today. Which is, on one hand, a good trait for a leader, but on the other hand, also makes me out to be one of the biggest cowards out there.

Disappontment comes in many forms. When you don't get what you want and when you get something you don't want. Mine is usually the former, and I think not getting anything is infinitely worse than settling for something else.

I am sad, but not pissed. Why? because if there's anything or anyone to get mad at, it should be me. Because I try so hard to stay away from these kinds of situations, but I still end up in them anyway. Because I hope for a different ending each time. And so far, nothing has changed.

I still end up alone.

Friday Funk

2009-01-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

Someone's been influencing me to start a blog about food, movies or books so I can make money off of it. My friends have had the recent misfortune of having to hear me rant day in and day out about how I am going to be dirt broke this year. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
Literature, film and food are a big part in my life anyway.

This weekend promises to be tiring, which weirdly enough, is just the way I like it. I don't mean tiring as in work-tired, which my eyes twitch and makes me sleepy enough to miss my stop going home (which has happened several times). It's going to be tiring because this weekend is the last training days before the leagues start next week. One sport on Saturday and another one on Sunday. I have no idea what got into me for signing up for a season that's obviously going to be filled with body aches and other mishaps. I keep thinking the idle mind is the Devil's playground. And when I'm feeling idle, all logic seems to get thrown out the window.

At least my muscles aren't aching anymore from last weekend's boot camp. I hate to admit it, but I really am a glutton for punishment. But there's pleasure in that kind of pain. Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with, no matter the number of stitches, bruises and broken bones, they will eventually heal in time (except for the ones which are arthritic and will haunt me until my twilight years, my orthopedic doctor says). Emotional scars are ones I'd like to avoid, if that was all possible. Because I know of some people who never let them heal. They walk around all normal on the outside, but badly battered within. They carry these hurts as lifelong burdens that permanently shape them into damaged individuals. I promised myself I would never succumb to that. No matter how damaged or confused I feel, I always have a choice to be better again. And no matter how awful I feel, there will always be a film, a book, or music out there that has the power to make me feel better. Hence, my uncontrollable urge to keep purchasing these things. Notice I don't mention people in that equation. Because unlike everything else (maybe except pets and plants), people have the power to leave.

Tell me who your friends are

2009-01-13T22:08:00.001-08:00

I don't get excited thinking of you anymore.
Nor do I wonder what it is exactly your doing at this very minute.
It does not concern me if you are asleep, at work, or in bed and in love.
That is not what gives me pleasure right now.

Lately, what I've been doing is reading some really interesting blog entries from my friends and all I can say is that it's been great finding out that all these wonderful, honest, poetic, sometimes psychotic and insanely beautiful thoughts are inside people I actually know.

Its been fun to know what matters to them (at that particular moment) and what gets their goat. Who finds beauty in the ordinary or how much a smile made someone's day. :)
I know I could probably find all that out if I talked to them personally, but I doubt I could ever really dig that deep. I don't think I'd get that far, what with all the clutter in our heads.

I have friends who are easy to figure out. Those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Those who will tell you exactly what they're thinking and feeling and just like me, can't hide their emotions even if they wanted to. These are the "What you see is what you get" type of folks. They can be branded as blunt, in-your-face, and insensitive. But I like these kinds of people. You gotta respect them in a way. You can't fault someone with being too honest. Truth is truth, no matter if it's served cold. It's better than getting a headache deciphering gray areas or unclear signals. That's half-baked, weak and you know it. I think Pinoys prefer to sugarcoat alot. Blame it on our sweet tooth psyche.

I also have ultra-sensitive friends. Now this trait is definitely not limited to any one gender, no matter what my guy friends say. These are the folks whom others carefully tiptoe around because they're afraid they might say or do something that could offend or rub them the wrong way. I too can be sensitive when I let my ghosts get to me. I believe everyone has an emotional trigger and when you unknowingly hit it, no amount of logic on your part can undo the damage. It takes great patience and understanding to be friends with someone like that, but then again, isn't that what friendship is all about anyway? Sometimes overly sensitive people can get grating at times because they can't ever be simple. But everyone has redeeming value, if you took the time to look hard enough. Everyone deals with their own damage in different ways.

"We wear the mask that grins and lies. With torn and bleeding hearts we smile..." -Paul Dunbar

I have friends who like wearing masks. Sometimes they wear them so much I can't see the real them anymore. I can't differentiate the actor from the role. But I can also understand them that way. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's how it's always been for them. But every once in a while, they take it off, and that's the time when we get to really bond. I wish they felt comfortable enough to do that more often though. But I don't know what to do to make things better for them. Sadly, I have no idea. These friends, who seem like the jolliest people on earth when everybody's around, are actually some of the saddest people I know. They hide the darkest truths when they're alone, even from themselves. I guess Life just seems much more bearable that way. It reminds me of my favorite line from a song in Phantom of the Opera, "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Hide your face so the world will never find you..."

I have friends who I would want to get to know more, but they just won't allow it. It's like for them, there are different levels of friendship and you have to be really good like Super Mario or something to be allowed into their head. And I'm not even any sort of gamer to begin with (in fact, I suck. That's why I just stick to playing Tetris and Sudoku) The limitation isn't there because we're not close or not compatible as friends, but because they prefer things to just be that way. Sometimes, I see little glimmers of promise, like an added gesture, an unexpected expression, and they dont know it, but that makes me very happy. Any sign of friendship, in any form, will always be appreciated in my book.

And lastly, I have friends that others would kill for. No, I don't consider them perfect. In fact, they are just as flawed or even more. They can get impatient, moody, unpredictable and stubborn just like me. But unlike others, they know what friendship really entails. It's easy to be friends with people, but it's harder to keep it. Maintaining friendships entail time, effort, and emotion. We nly have 24 hours in a day and that time could very well be spent making money or love or both, but these precious individuals know that money and love isn't everything. These are the folks who won't make you wait a million years before answering your messages (regardless the urgency) and they'll go out of their way for you because they know the role they play in your life. Others take it for granted that they always have family to lean on. They don't understand that for others, friends are the closest thing to a family. These are people you can bet will no doubt still be part of your life years and years from now. Because they want to be. For those who won't stay, the best you can do is be a good friend to them and just share the nice memories while you can. Just because they aren't as good to you doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to them. That's just not the way Friendship works. Same goes for Love.

Hello Narcissus, is that you?

2009-01-01T04:48:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of getting to know myself better (plus the fact that Virgos are known as incorrigible obsessive-compulsive people, hence the manic urge of making lists for everything and anything), I have decided to list down the the top six things I have discovered about myself within the past year. Hopefully, I can look back at this entry a few months from now and say to myself, "Hmmm, Oh now I see..." See what? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is that I'll figure it out by then. So here goes my five things I've learned about me lately...

1. I am not afraid of the dark, which I could also take to mean that I am not the least bit bothered by the possible presence of ghosts and other otherworldly creatures. I think I've always liked solitude, and when you couple it with darkness, it just seems to make everything all the more peaceful. I can understand how others would get scared because darkness can render one helpless, but for me, darkness can also give the freedom to do what you want. So if you look at it at a certain way, darkness can also be a kind of escape.

2. I am deathly afraid of anything sharp, pointed and metallic. Blame it on an earlier incident this year when a insanely sharp kitchen knife did a nosedive on my foot. The crux of that story is not that I left a long blood trail all around the house as I hopped from the point of the incident to my room, but the blatant indifference from the people in the household. As if it was so stupid of me to not expect something as potentially dangerous as a knife could be found near the wash basin's edge. So now, every time I see something like that, I cringe and make sure it is not even remotely near me or precariously positioned as to catapult in my direction. I know I'm not stupid, but apparently, it's not enough anymore that you expect other people you live with to ensure your safety for you. But that's going past the point. Sharp pointed objects coupled with accident-prone 'ole me equals future pain and possible injury. The pain I can take. But an injury will keep me from doing the things I love most.

3. I will try anything once. Whether it risk almost getting my hand blown off by crazy fireworks or getting food poisoning with one of my aunt's crazy concoctions, I will most probably do it if the thought is intriguing enough and not just borne out of boredom or coercion. Although I have yet to jump off a cliff, openly profess some romantic thought to the object of my distraction or run around naked, I look forward to all the things I haven't tried, places I still want to see, food I can't wait to discover (it could be in some cool remote place like a mountain in Timbuktu, but it could also be possibly found in one of the random street stalls along Quiapo. Who cares where the location is! Good food doesn't discriminate where to present itself. But sanitation is a whole different issue..)

4. I've been feeling the urge to start doing some serious writing for myself soon. I've been putting off these broken chapters swimming in my head for a long time now. But I figured, if I can't even bring myself to regularly blog, then what more the chance to sit down and write these stories? It doesn't even matter to me if it'll suck or not, I just know that I NEED to do this. I know I can do it. The question is, when will I?

5. I really enjoy running. I'd run all day long if I had the stamina for it. During games, I want to run without stopping if that was possible. I like knowing what speed feels like. A friend of mine said she got into long-distance running because it helped her get over her heartaches, but I run because it keeps me from standing too still. I don't need to get over anything now. I am okay and I run for the pure enjoyment of it. In fact, I'm looking forward to another tourney season of endless running very, very soon.

6. I've accepted that noone is perfect and more often than not, I get to encounter naturally, mean people, difficult people, judgmental people. In other words, the broken people. Those who had it harder than everyone else, the folks who have experienced more traumatic things than they would care to admit and those who had to went through enough hurt and pain that you probably wouldn't want to wish on anybody, not even your enemies.

The thing is, now I can't help but empathize with them. It took me a real long time to accept. But now, when I see someone that's so easy to dislike and disagreeable, the first thing I wonder about is how I wish s/he wasn't sad enough to act that way. Because I know there's a sadness behind all that. Because I know exactly how it feels. To be so quickly branded as someone whom you're really not. If only they took the time to really get to know you. But it's also a sad fact that people are quick to misunderstand. Thus, the safe haven for headless chickens. If you don't do anything too noticeable or say something too opinionated, then chances are, you are rendered "safe" from social scrutiny.

I know I'll never be perfect. In fact, I choose not to be. Not because I can't, but because I happen to like me and I know that I can still work on the things I need to change. Not to please others, but because that's who I ultimately want to be.

Happy New Me

2008-12-31T20:46:00.000-08:00

This wasn't originally my first imagined entry for 2009.
I already had about three long paragraphs typed up when my cousin's computer decided my writing was lame and closed all its programs without waiting for me to save it first. I guess I must agree. There is something unsatisfying when you don't write. I mean, it's still writing, but it's not the writing I want to do. It's not exactly that creative when your just chronicling what happened during the day.

The day I had been waiting for has finally come. And it came in with a very big bang. Actually, my last few days for 2008 was pretty nice too. Finished enough work on the 30th to keep my time free til the weekend. Then some of my friends all agreed to meet up and catch the last full show later that night followed by a nice midnight snack without alcohol. Didn't even realize how fast time went until I got home. Forgot my house keys (which always happens when I get brain-drained and too excited to go out), which meant I would make one sleepy household member very cranky. I felt guilty about that but it was worth it. Nothing beats getting the chance to spend time with good people. And sadly, that is something I don't get to do very often.

The 31st had me awake before lunch. Even though it was raining a bit, the guys wanted to meet up again early afternoon to practice some throws before getting caught up in the new year's eve preparations. Another unexpected treat was I got to see someone I don't usually see. I don't really know or talk to this person as well as the others but for some reason, things are always a little bit nicer when they're there. I bet some people don't realize how much of a blessing their presence is. How happy they can make others just by being themselves, no other effort involved. I think it's so cool how people have the power to help inspire and uplift another person. They become a blessing of sorts. Well anyway, that person did show up and we did get to chat a bit for a change. Not that anything is different. But it was just nice, doing that under the rain. I know I've always kept a distance from the people I like because it's better that way for me. There's simply something poetic (and safe) about admiring from afar.

Anyway, due to prior plans, I had to leave the group earlier. Me and my cousins had planned to do last-minute fireworks shopping (which is the best kind of shopping when it comes to fireworks as the prices start dropping the later it gets into the night). We went to what was usually a wet market that had been transformed into a fireworks center. Even the neighborhood police were double-parked on the street trying to buy stuff. We had already been set on getting sparklers, roman candles and those cute Pop-pops (little harmless balls of energy that make a popping sound when you throw it on the floor or step on it. A more modernized form of watusi). It was a crazy scene as vendors and buyers were trying to break each other down with the haggling. But as I eventually found out (more on this later), sometimes it's not always for the best to get a good discount on something as volatile as fireworks.

As always, dinner was a simple but cozy affair. Since we we're all still feeling majorly stuffed since Christmas, we usually just cook a big pot of yummy chicken congee to tide us over for the night. For perennially-hungry tummies like mine, there is always a fridge full of holiday leftovers to choose from. This was more than enough to satisfy our midnight and after-midnight snack cravings. The major fireworks action started happening a quarter to midnight so everyone went up to the top floor to welcome 2009. I bet noone in the entire Philippines was planning to sleep any earlier than 1am that night. You simply don't do that. Everyone wants to be awake when the new year comes in. And it's not as if you can sleep any earlier with all the noise around you anyway. December 31st has got to be the longest day ever for everyone because it extends past its 24 hour schedule. It can also be one of the most tiring and exciting days to prepare for too. Then January 1 becomes sort of just half of a day because everyone wakes up around lunch time and is too groggy to to do anything else worth remembering.

The Pop-pops we're a real hit, with even my 88-year-old grandmother having a blast throwing those little things around. My very adventurous aunt even wanted to experiment and see if it would still pop if we throw it at each other (this brilliant idea was immediately nixed when my guy cousin realized the experimentation would all be directed at him.) The sparklers made for nice pictures and provided cool ambiant light for the photos, but they were basically just, uh, sparkly. The roman candles proved to be a revelations as they were anything but what we expected. We bought two bunches of a dozen sticks each. The first few ones had the usual effect of colorful balls of spark flying out of them (thank god, because anything more and the older folks might've had a heart attack ). But I lit one and it exploded. I automatically let go but still felt the impact. I pretended it was nothing (while at the same time secretly checking if all my toes and fingers we're still intact through the smoke) but even my uncle heard it from the second floor and went up to ask if everyone was alright. This was noticeable because noone ever buys things that go *BANG* in that house. I picked up that defective roman candle (which I suspect wasn't defective at all. Maybe the maker decided to add one crazy stick in the bunch to enlighten our supposedly lame celebration. Kind of like when they add a bonus track to your favorite CD. Although in this case, you use it at the risk of one of your little piggies).

Turns out there was more than one surprise in that bunch, which was why nobody except me and my other crazy cousin wanted to start lighting the other bunch. With just the two of us left, we weighed the consequences of whether ending up in the ER (they live a block away from a good hospital anyway :P) as compared to the high potential for crazy but dangerous fun. We ended up deciding that we couldn't let it go to waste (haha, there was no contest from me actually. I just needed a devil's advocate to tell me to keep on lighting away). We vowed to keep happy despite the obvious risks (bad, baaaad, i know). At first, we just lit the sticks we put on the ledge, but it kept moving in crazy directions, so then we decided to plant it in the pots. This was better as some of them still exploded and for this, we decided to hide behind one of the plastic chairs as a precaution (which was still stupid since it could fly right into us anyway). There was this one outstanding piece which literally blew up even all the way into the handle. It makes me shudder thinking what could've happened if someone was actually holding it. No more discounted fireworks for us next year. But I'm adding a Crying Cow (a noisy but harmless treat), more Pop-pops and baby rockets to the list next December though.

So there. Happy new year and goodbye to the same old me.
Things have to change. And things will change anyway, whether I like it or not. But there are also so many good things around me right now that it's hard not to notice how thankful I really should be. And if last night's wake-up call was any indication, the first thing I should be happy about is that I get to keep all my toes and fingers again this year.

Holiday Hodgepodge

2008-12-26T05:17:00.000-08:00

With Buddy Holly blaring in the background, the rhythmic clinking of forks and spoons over a good dinner with the family and my very satisfied tummy sending happy signals to my brain, everything just seems alright in the world.

At this very moment, I do not have a care with whatever's going on outside, as evidenced by:

1. I don't even know where my mobile phone is or feel the overwhelming urge to text anyone back (even the cute ones). This is quite a feat since I consider my phone an added appendage which I can attach and re-attach at will.

2. I can't tell what day it is. Whether it's Thursday or Saturday, doesn't feel important. My mental calendar is all messed up. Except for my weekly deadlines, time is immaterial right now anyway. It doesn't even matter what time it is. I sleep late, wake up late and will probably end up looking more like a zombie after this holiday break is over.

3. The gym seems like a foreign faraway land I plan to visit, but not this year. Anyway, I know I should be resting more so this dangblasted cold and cough will go away but I just cant seem to bring myself to bed at a decent hour. Hence, all the more time for my much-neglected blog.

4. I can't believe I got lured into doing some holiday shopping today. Blame it on the sports hiatus til new year. December in the Philippines is probably the only time when the congestion in the malls is worse than it is in the street traffic. I'm the kind of person who tries to finish my gift list by October at the latest, but somehow today I ended up going to a jampacked mall and surprisingly, I actually got to buy things I've been eyeing while I was too busy buying gifts for other people. What's worse was just when I was about to convince myself that that was the last purchase for the day, I end up seeing one more thing I absolutely have to get, regardless if it had a xmas discount or not! Well there goes the rest of my paycheck....

5. If I were to be asked to leave the house right now, I would not even bother changing my pink flannel pajama bottoms and wife-beater top (but I'd change into new underwear, of course). There isn't even any food stains on it. Not yet, at least. On the same vein, me and my cousins went on a midnight snack run a few days ago and I dared my whacko cousin (bad idea) to go out without changing (in this case, she was currently wearing jeans, a shirt, Hawaiian housedress, a plastic lei and to top it all off, her spanking new blue ukelele that she just recieved for Christmas. The plan was just to go to Starbucks, but after driving around for a while, it finally dawned on us that no coffee shop franchise (sosi or not) was going to remain open for Christmas eve. So after looking at all the closed Starbucks, Coffee Beans, Gloria Jeans, Figaros, and even the usual dependable 24-hour Mickey Dees, we ended up agreeing that the newly-opened David's Tea House near the house was the only viable option for the night (either that, or we make our own snacks at home.). So we got there a little before midnight and since I refused to be seen walking into that place with "Inday," me and my other cousin watched them enter first. But before they could, two young-looking well-dressed guys (who I assume were the owners) stopped them. Me and my other cousin couldn't stop laughing our guts out! We had assumed Inday got stopped because she honestly looked like she just escaped from the looney bin. (I don't think she even bothered combing her hair, mana sa akin haha.)

But as it turns out, we were mistaken. It was almost closing time, so we eventually got to go in on the condition that we were the last order for the day. We even got a 20% discount since it was their first day. Sweet! It felt like a second Noche Buena that day what with all the noodles, congee, dumplings, chicken and that delicious salt & pepper fried tofu (which I will definitely go back for!). Too bad we forgot to bring a camera.

6. I've been catching up on all the kimchi flicks that I seem to get cathartic pleasure from. I got to finish Korea's Le Grand Chef and Taiwan's About Love. I'm currently halfway with another Seoul movie, Crazy Waiting. And just for good measure, I think I'll watch Love Phobia and Fly Me to Polaris one more time too!

Weekend Plans:
I'm still iffy about the 8am calltime to practice throwing discs at the nearby university tomorrow. Unless I sleep within the hour, I doubt I'll feel awake enough to go. I think I need more impetus to show up. Which makes me wonder, would it make any difference if I knew a certain someone was going to be there too?

Sunday is an outreach day. I miss the outreach events my old choir used to organize. Small-scale but just as meaniingful nonetheless. And I wasn't able to participate in one last year, so I gotta do double time this year. We're heading to a center for sexually abused women somewhere in the South. Thank you God for letting me meet new wonderful people that give opportunities to do things like these with.

Christmas stalkings

2008-12-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

"Finally, after all the presents have been opened, the noche buena has been eaten, and the guests have gone...."

Awwwwww fuck it.
Fudge, I was thinking of starting off this entry with an 'ole Father Christmas-like tone, all nostalgic and warm, but I just can't do it right now. I barely got enough sleep (my fault entirely). I've been subsisting on grilled sweet ham sandwiches for over 24 hours (and counting...) and I am now deadset on finishing reading a friend's old blog from end to end. It has entries from over seven years ago which I accidentally discovered online. ("Accidentally" here is a loose term which I choose to mean that I searched and found the link to it deliberately. Call me psycho, I know). No big reason for the research, just plain old curiousity, I guess. That, and the fact that it's really interesting how significant the changes one can undergo give or take a few years. This person's quirks are very interesting. Not out-of-this-world, but enough for me to bother reading about up til the wee hours of Christmas morn.

It's almost year's end and I am so glad to feel that I have not caused hurt, offended or inflicted pain on anybody else other than myself. Even if it happened indirectly, I feel sad for those who choose to think that way instead of assuming the more positive, kinder choice on what to believe.
It feels good to live this way. Living the way you want without really using, abusing or punishing others.

Now achieving Happiness may be a different kind of pursuit altogether, but being at peace with yourself requires almost no effort if you feel no guilt. The world can be pretty tricky, you can offend it just by being who you are and still, it takes that against you. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. It just means that some people aren't born with the understanding of appreciating your individuality. But I will never be a headless chicken. Maybe I could be the purple cow, but never the chicken. WTF?

This year, I tried not to be so disappointed in people. In previous years I would've tried not to get angry when I realized anger is a useless, expensive emotion that drains not just your body but the mind as well. And then when I went a notch down to just being disappointed at people who have done me wrong, I realized that disappointment was a sad thing to feel for people as well. Disappointment has a way of lingering with you even longer than anger ever will. Sometimes I can get pissed at someone and then totally forget about it within the same day. But disappointment hangs in there, reminding me constantly of how I was so badly let down. So now, I say, if I can help it, let's skip the anger and disappointment and just write off things as just that. Here is my personal mission-statement of sorts that I plan to use when it comes to understanding and accepting the reality of less-considerate individuals.

1. People make mistakes, but sometimes they can't help it and they'd probably take it back if they could. (i hope)

2. People say mean things, but not everybody can be an editor and words are a tricky business. That's why good writers are hard to find.

3. People are fickle creatures. They can change their mind in an instant, whether it be about their jobs, sports, friends and even family. Yes, they can even quit their loved ones, if they really wanted to. That's the freedom they have as a living body with an independent brain and a heart. Who knows, maybe in the long run, the decision was for everybody's benefit after all.

4. People don't realize the effect they have on others, based on what they do or DON'T do. Not everyone is a sensitive genuis. and in the same vein, not everything a person says or does or doesn't do have to be necessarily connected to you. For this, you'll just have to write off the rest of the clueless population as a nice, naive bunch of dense logs, haha. If you want something known, then be upfront. Guessing is kid's play.

5. People can be hard to understand. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to be understand. And other times, it's because they get so messed up inside that they don't know what else to do. I know someone who makes it so hard for his friends to be friends with him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends with us, he just can't help but be crazy frustrating most of the time. Normal people just do that when they have their whacked-out or depressed days.

These are just some of the learnings I wanted to jot down while my brain cells still feel like they're in work mode. This post didn't turn out as bitter or jaded as I first thought it would be. I'm going to try and steer away from that tone now as much as possible because there are a million more glorious happy things to write about out there. And I really shouldn't dwell on the familiar anymore. It stinks in the pit of despair. Hella boring too.
Thank God for good friends, family, constant opportunities, and a unwavering, nagging passion to push on with life everyday.

So I guess life can be good, if I wanted it to be.

Merely Christmas

2008-12-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's 3am Christmas day and I'm still up (but not necessarily about).
Funny that I've gotten so lax on blogging even though I've already been working for a website for over a year now. I could say there's just too many things happening, as usual. But then again, isn't there always some one thing or another happening? It's just a cop out.

Truth is, I really wanted this year to be not just good, but great. Any other year I probably would've been content with a not-so-sucky 12 months, but this year, for some reason, it was just crucial for me that it wouldn't be a bomb. Now I just can't wait for it to be over.

Looking back at my last entry six months ago, I know I was able to accomplish most of what was on my mid-year wishlist. I indulged in a new sport and even got to be part of three finals games because of it. I got to travel and go on a nice little adventure on my time and terms. The only thing I still haven't mastered up to now is reigning in my mind on matters of the heart. Harmless crushes aside, I should stop being affected anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I won't say any more on this because it'll only come out like a sad sorry pile of mush. Which is what it is, actually. I need to work on that part. Especially now.

Quite honestly, there's a lot to be happy about from the past few months. I've lost more weight from all the running than I have from sweating it out in the gym. I've learned to eat healthier with a little help from the chirpy persistent nutritionist at my gym. I've met a wonderful new community of athletes and religious individuals who are just so sincere and welcoming that it makes me feel guilty for not being even half as nice as they are. I envy these kinds of people. Those who can be light and carefree company. Because I know I can never be me who will be described like that. But then again, they're lucky to not have to go through things that will change them growing up. Harder, sadder, more painful things. Things that will break you but eventually strengthen you. I can't complain. I did get smarter after all. I think.

Now christmas this year at the family house was subdued, as always. They had early dinner because their guests apparently had other parties to go to come dinnertime. I opted to demur from the 5pm calltime as I have always hated having this wonderful traditional meal being moved hella earlier at the dictate of someone else's social schedule. I hate to say it, but I always resented it when even the opening of the presents had to be done right after dinner because everyone had to sleep early because they were going out of town the following day to go to the province. Why did I have to feel cheated out of enjoying my Christmas eve because of somebody else's plans? Christmas isn't merry when it feels pressured to be finished early, no sir deifnitely not.

Anyway, I've finally figured out the one New Year's Resolution I want to keep for next year. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. It's one of those stupid things anybody can start doing at any time of the year, but I just think the start of a year is the best time to feel like a clean slate again. No wonder I can't wait to put 2008 behind me.

Mid-year Resolutions (better late than never....)

2008-07-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

I feel good.

In fact, I haven't written anything for myself for the past two months

not because of lack of anything to say,

but rather because there's just so many things going on
that I'd rather attend to.

Suddenly, picking my thoughts seems too tedious a process

(this, from a girl who is constantly getting accused of "overanalyzing.")

Definitely, I want this year to be a landmark year for me.

I want to do many things and step far, far away from my comfort zone.

I want to embrace feeling awkward and uncomfortable

and see where it takes me.

I want to see what it feels to be someone else for a change.

Even if that someone else turns out to be the real me.
How is this going to happen?

Well, let's see....

1. I'm going to backpack my way through an asian country with

no schedule, no credit card and no companions.

This, I must admit, is an exciting and scary concept at the same time.

Not that I haven't ever done it before.

I've gotten lost many many times, but for some reason, this is really a big deal for me.

Hopefully, it'll be the fastest way to clear my head.

I also want to shake off this funk I've been dealing with

since early this year.

On the lighter side,

being by myself allows me to plot out my trip exactly the way I want it.

Sometimes, there's a certain kind of comfort in knowing

you can't possible disappoint, irritate or blame someone else for your own mistakes.

2. I'm diving into a new sport that I used to really hate.

Truth is, I really dislike running.

I have always hated the treadmill and avoided it with a vengeance

whenever I hit the gym.

I find the repetitive motions boring, monotonous and just oh-so-blah.

But lately, surprisingly, all I want to do is run.

I found a compromise with the treadmill dilemma

by running at alternating speeds from a light jog to a full sprint

(which makes me look like a maniac with crazy bangs in the gym by the way).

Bottom line is, I have never lost weight as fast as this.

So if thats what its going to take, then running it is, for now.

3. I'm not going to be scared of the future anymore.

So what if things turn even more difficult than they already are?

So what if they do?

Things happen no matter what we say or think or feel,

so I might as well face it with enough positivity to get through it.

No way am I going back to being a stick-in-a-mud anymore.

Takes too much effort to be sad anyway.

Hopefully, everything I do now,

as long as its in good taste,

will have positive effects in the future.

4. I'm going to stop looking for Mr. Right

For me, Mr. Right is a myth.

There is no right or wrong person for anybody.

There are only people willing to love

and stay no matter what kind of person you are or turn out to be.

It can go without saying that I also have to be the kind of person

who is loving too.

But it's a tricky subject and there really is no concrete plan to follow.

Sometimes I mistake familiarity with love.

One of the gazillion ways it can be misread.

But either way, I'm just going to be thankful for them

who took some time in their lives to stay and love me,

even it was just for a while.

Pretty emo, I know.

But then again, that's just me.

Goodbye Pink Eye

2008-05-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a weeklong trek all over the northern part of the country. It definitely did me alot of good.

I got to do alot of things for the very first time.

Which is always a good remedy when there are certain things you want to forget.

Within the same hour me and my friends returned to the city, I was back in the office and feeling totally out of it.

As much as I miss the urban jungle, I should've used better judgment and rested it out for the rest of the day.

This stubborness, plus the fact that I stayed up later that night uploading stuff I should've put off at a later time, ended up with me getting a pink eye for the very first time.

It's not so bad. It doesn't hurt or itch or anything else associated with sore eyes. It wasn't even that red. I probably looked like a lush with a horrible hangover to most folks.

The worst part was just feeling conscious knowing that I didn't look alright (which is tough enough considering I havent been feeling all that great lately either).

Anyway, the weeklong experience opened my eyes to unfamiliar sights and challenging activities.
I can't believe Im actually starting to enjoy the outdoors.
Not that I've turned into a mountaineer overnight, but all that spelunking and nature-tripping definitely had its effect on me. No wonder so many people get addicted to it.

I once dated a mountaineer.

I never could understand what he saw in a city rat like me.

Maybe it was because we both loved soccer and literature (not exactly in the same order)

Or maybe because attraction just works that way, I guess.

It was good while it lasted.

Now, he's all settled down and probably conquering new heights in a foreign land.
While I'm over here just starting to see the beauty in even the smallest mole hills.

I find that thought pretty cool.

It's never too late to discover a new happiness.

Blah, blah, blahs....

2008-04-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

This has been a less-than-productive week out of all my unproductive weeks so far this year. Blame it on my ear ache, my heartache or whatever the hell these aches are stemming from. Not that I’m not getting anything done. I am. But it just doesn’t feel like I’m moving towards anything. I need to map out something reachable, something feasible and most importantly, something that won’t disappear on me in a blink of an eye.

I really really hate those kinds of surprises.

What I’d hate more is for my blog to turn out to be some sort of extension of my journal at home (which, in a way, it is) but at the same time, it isn’t. But the fact is, there’s really nothing much I want to write about. I’ve been sick. Started when I had to get up at a godawful hour last Sunday after getting only two hour’s sleep to cover this bike festival in Subic.

That was the day I spent with someone’s ex-boyfriend. Or is it more succinct to say someone else’s soon-to-be boyfriend? You know how you sometimes wonder what your ex is doing and who he is with? Well, I was with this guy (who I admit is quite a catch, although that is another story altogether…) and I kept thinking, I wonder who’s thinking about him right now. Silly, right? But it kinda put things in perspective for me. It’s just nuts to think that the guy I so wanna be with is probably doing crazy things with any girl he’s with that’s not me (Ouch).

So there we were, covering an event. But I guess it’s more fun to think of it as a day trip.
When we got to Subic, it turned out that the first event, which was a cross-country race at El Kabayo Falls, actually entailed going up a hill and into that bloody trail to do interviews and find nice spots. Halfway up the “trek” (I consider it as such since my top was already drenched halfway up), I felt like “Hey, wait a minute. This is anything BUT a bike race coverage!” But what the heck, I needed the distraction anyway. A few Gatorades later and I was happy again.

After that, we checked out the BMX finals (which was delayed by a record four hot-as-hell hours because not enough bikers had signed up) and then watched the Four cross finals mainly because world champ Brian Lopes was there. He wasn’t in a good mood though. Probably the heat was getting to him. I'd really like to think that, because otherwise, I thought he was such an a** to talk to.

Anyway, the drive back to Manila was smooth and traffic-free (I love Sundays!). We got to try out that new highway that leads straight to Clark from SBMA and I felt like I was back in one of those California freeways again. Although it does seem kinda sad that the government had to bulldoze through about a dozen little mountains to make that one straight road, it does make life a little easier for everyone (as long as you don't think about the toll, which we didnt have to worry about since it was free that week).

We saw an Aeta family walking along the highway during sunset and my photographer friend couldn’t resist stopping and taking some shots of them. I, on the other hand, couldn’t resist falling asleep. But I know how it feels to drive alone and tired, so I thought I’d do my best to keep him company by keeping my mouth busy with some chips.

Monday was a holiday, which saved me from having to call in sick anyway and all the other days leading up to this day was just one big blur. I just can’t say why.

The Forever Flush

2008-03-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

A big part of what goes into my writing is hinged upon being able to come up with a good title first. Even if I dont feel like writing, as long as I have a catchy title, then I believe everything else will just fall into place...

Take today for instance. I've been wanting to post something new again but I've just been too stumped on what heading to use. Then I went to the comfort room to take a "tinkle" and then realize that I've been waiting for my bowl to stop flushing for the past three minutes. Thank God it stopped. I don't know about other people but I've always felt that there's something off about leaving your cubicle when the flushing ain't done.Maybe I'm paranoid someone will see my shit (literally haha) even though I didnt do the number two.

I never could understand how some people can just leave a bathroom they've just used looking like a pigsty (my apologies to the swine). Be it in a KFC outlet in Quiapo (which is kinda more understandable since some people who use it aren't even restaurant patrons) or a popular international airport, a high-profile call center, a posh magazine company or a bigshot television network, there will always be at least one or two stalls looking like it was just used by a four-legged thing. Geez, and you call yourself ladies?!?! Apparently, a diploma and/or an American accent can't guarantee a person cleanliness and consideration for others. (By the way, the SF airport wasn't so bad. Same thing goes for the Manila international AND domestic airports)

I know I've entered the ranting zone again, but it is so disappointing. This isn't even a third-world thing because I've seen bathrooms in America and Europe look just as filthy. Me and my officemate even came up with the theory that the people who mess up our office bathrooms are actually disgruntled employees lashing out at management by giving the poor sanitation workers extra work. I know it sounds far out but it's better than thinking that despite living in the city, we haven't evolved much from the old provincial way of digging fresh holes in the ground (or wait, I could be totally wrong with this and have the people using holes in the ground actually be more neater than us.) Hmmmm......

Sun Day

2008-03-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Man, it's hot today.
I wouldn't know exactly how hot, since I haven't been out of the house since Thursday.
I've been holed up, boxed in, and every other figurative phrase short of saying I feel like crawling under a rock right now and staying there (It has to be one of those cool heat-repelling rocks though).
Suffice to say, all is not well right now.
But it will be, soon.

I miss going to that 24 hour shake stand in Bora. I refuse to name it now because my friend had a horrible experience there involving a unhospitable server, a not-so-alive something-something in her order, and a somewhat reluctantly given discount. Given their rep, I expected better treatment from that place. But this picture is not about that ill-fated shake. This is one of my regular P60 melon milk shakes that tides me over until the next meal (Post-lunch, pre-merienda.) Looks ordinary, but tastes oh-so heavenly.

I miss my usual mango papaya shakes. Although now, after discovering the unforgivably high sugar content of mangoes, I have been opting for melon as a better partner to my all-time fave papaya. I miss zoning out at the beach. I miss playing frisbee in the water. I miss what can only be described as my half-assed version of what is barely passable as snorkelling (I just like the floating feeling haha). Only when I'm there do I feel like such a kid again, taking naps in between meals and having three part dinners. No wonder most of my budget goes to trying out the new places and going back to my old haunts...

Summer is definitely here.
I've been scanning the local airline websites for good deals (which is never really a great idea if your feeling bad and just want to get away from it all)
I've been putting off trips to Palawan and Sagada for ages.
There's an open invite to go see another favorite cousin in HK until April, but I doubt I'll be headed there. HongKong just isn't HongKong if you can't afford to shop to your heart's delight. God, as much as I love Greenhills, the fashion at Mongkok gives me a whole other level of happiness....

I'm so missing the beach right now.
I like being there because
it's so far from the city (well, my city at least.)
I like being out of touch with my world.
Gotta see some unfamiliar things and shake off what needs to be let go.
Leave it far, far away
remember it. value it.
but then let it be.

Blame it on the Ballet

2008-03-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

One day I finally woke up with the firm resolve to stop ignoring myself.
Oh me and my inner disputes...
Now I gotta listen to that teeny little voice that has been warning me about the changes ahead...

And how has it come to this?
Has my life really just become a series of endless gym classes, work appointments (not that I'm complaining) and the daily challenge of finding the most creative ways to kill time?
I've discovered there's not that many ways you can bluff your way through Life.

I don't want to have to look back and wish I could have been better, nicer or smarter about things.
I don't want to wish I had been less giving to others and more selfish about my own happiness.
I don't want to think about who I should have loved better and when was the "perfect time" for it to happen.
I don't want to put a rationale on every single heartbeat (But yes, I agree with Tina Turner. Sometimes, love has nothing to do with it).
In other words, what this basically means, is that I have a helluva lot of thinking to do.....

Thank god for dance class.
It has gotten me through sad times and has even saved me from myself.
It has moved me, challenged me and inspired me.
Without it, I would never know my limitations and my potentials.
It has helped me know myself better, positively or otherwise.

Nowadays, I find myself doing all sorts of moves,;
in the gym, at the dance floor, on the field.
It doesn't matter where. It's still gives me that same familiar high.
I always think, "When in doubt, dance."

P.S
This wasn't exactly my perfect choice for my first post for the year.
But I guess some thoughts will still have to remain bottled up inside waiting to be written about.

The Pain of Pursuit

2007-11-29T19:05:00.000-08:00

I just found out I am a masochist.
I've never figured that out 'til a friend pointed out the exact same fact about himself which I could totally relate to. Man, what a revelation.
That we actually enjoy doing the pursuing instead of being the one pursued.
Sad, sad, sad. But I guess that's just the way it is.

Another friend said something cryptic the other day too.
"Maybe the only reason your still together is because your so far apart."
It wasn't really a hypothesis as much as it was an actual statement.
Will my life always be about ironic statements? Will irony always play a big part in my love life?

"He's sweet, but he's an underachiever."
"He's hardworking, but he's always too busy."
"He was nice, but not nice enough to stay."
"He was everything a boyfriend should be, but he didn't love me."
"He's perfect. but he's too far away."
"He's responsible, but he doesn't know what love really means."
"He wants me, but I don't love him."

Great. I am now officially a major whiner, OFF the field as well as on it.

Dammit, I know that there's more to life than just having guy problems.
Heck, the fact that i even HAVE guy problems is a big surprise to me sometimes.
I have it on good authority that these things beat money problems any day (which does not mean I have money. It just means I'd rather not worry about it.)

I could have it much worse, which is to not even have a love life to speak of.
Why else would I continue to blindly pursue these "chances" at a life long love, even if the odds are against me? Because to love is to have a life. To have someone, somewhere, thinking and feeling the exact same way about me. Because even if it may not last, I will still be so grateful it happened. But of course, every single time I keep hoping it'll be outlast everything else.
My happily ever after in the making.....
And because I'm just too busy right now to be bitter or jaded anyway.

A loved life, now THAT is what I have.

Dreary Day, Bright Outlook

2007-11-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

It surprisingly rained alot today.
What started as this annoying trickle after midnight ended up being a full-blown downpour all morning. After a week of hot sun and dry weather (as evidenced by my weird-looking weekend sunburn after staying out in the sun all afternoon and forgetting to take off my shades), I guess everyone was kinda happy to get a chance to take out their windbreakers again.

Today I feel like I've got windburn on my lips too. Tres weird......
Thank God for Carmex. and Ziploc. and that snazzy sandwich maker that I've been planning to get for ages and ages (By ages, I mean I've been wishing for that food "iron" ever since I was a kid and got a taste of my tita's hot cheese melt sandwiches. Kind of like a prehistoric Hot Pocket. I also can't wait to try it on peanut butter and jelly too! Ah, the excitement that comes with promise of yummy inexpensive food.

Speaking of food, I've been drinking lots and lots of coconut juice since I found out that it would do my kidney good. I need to stay away from salty food. So basically, except for the lack of dentures, I have miraculously turned into having the diet of an 80-year-old, minus the arthritis. I have to rein in my pizza and pasta cravings. I guess that's fine. I can live with it as long as my sandwich maker is there to make me a happy camper.

I heard that the average lifespan in Korea is 80 while Japan has an even longer figure. Is it their diet? Their way of life? The weather? Or all of the above? Will a Filipino therefore, be able to live longer if they move to these countries? Now that I realize how much in danger my health may be, I keep thinking about what measures I can take to save it, if not prolong it. I love living, I love feeling what I feel. I welcome pain because it helps me enjoy being okay so much more. I remember the sad times because it makes the happy ones even more significant. It's okay to not always feel okay. I'm glad I know that now.

I got some unexpected but welcome news last night which I think might be the reason why I'm unusually, uncontrollably, decidedly happy (despite the lack of sleep, and usual shirking of responsibilities I've managed to accumulate). The thing I least expected to happen anytime soon might turn out to be the first big thing to occur next year. Thank god. I thought I'd never get this same chance again. I can't wait.

Soulitude

2007-11-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

I think I'm watching a movie by myself today.

Not that I planned to.
My favorite movie date bailed on me unexpectedly because of a family matter.
No worries, I just plan to enjoy the weekend (Weekends for me, in case you were wondering, start at the precise moment I step out of the office lobby every friday.)
I LOVE fridays.

Plus, with the disappointing results of my recent medical exam, i think I deserve a little treat.
I don't really want to talk about it. It just means added expenses, medication and a re-test by next week. Turns out I'm not exactly the healthy individual I aspire to be.
Not to sound like the total drama queen, but I never have been totally without affliction.

Yesterday was the day everyone at work gets their anti-flu shots for the year.
I, of course, have never really felt the least bit squeamish about needles. After being opened up, scraped into and stitched up so many times in the past, one tiny little prick seems like a breeze. I was waiting in line with the rest of the headless chickens in the office when the nurse announced that anybody with any sort of allergy cannot have shots. "It might even kill you," she stresses. Geez, no wonder I keep getting the flu. I don't recall getting a flu shot in my entire life EVER (okay, maybe at infancy i did. But considering that right now I have the memory span of a hamster, how much worse it must have been when I couldn't even talk yet.)
So, there goes a bummed, dejected me, not being able to take advantage of one of the few and far between freebies work has to offer and feeling like a sad sorry little turd for having so many allergies (my allergen list is crazy. How I lasted this long on earth is a wonder.)

Anyway, back to my evening plans. I cannot stress enough how much I love the movies. It took me awhile to appreciate watching with a crowd (especially a noisy, uncultured one often found in local densely-populated malls), but after seeing those dingy, old neighborhood theaters in the States (except for AMC, I love them.), I have a newfound appreciation for our nice movie megaplexes. The ticket price is a bit high over here for the average Pinoy, but it's discriminating enough that you don't have to worry about sitting beside some perv. But geez, it makes you wonder about things when the price of a movie ticket is considered half a day's work for a minimum wage worker....

Right now, I don't even care what's showing (although The Golden Compass looks very promising. Too bad it comes out in December pa), I just love the whole experience. Watching a movie is a big production for me. The choice of snacks can even be just as crucial as deciding what to watch. Minsan, pag bitin yung nabili mo or too much naman, it affects everything. Well at least thats the case when it comes to me. My motto when it comes to watching movies is "Minsan ka nalang din manuod, itodo mo na." After all, Isn't it the reason we work ourselves to the bone each day, if not to enable us to do what we love doing?

I don't mind being alone. In fact, I'm used to it. Which kinda scares me a little.
One shouldn't feel so comfortable like this.
It keeps people away.
Although solitude should be welcomed every so often, it is something that can or should be shared too. Thats why I'm so loving my pilates and flow yoga class right now.
It's the only way I can get my mind to rest.

Here's to a happy weekend.

Things I'm not supposed to do (abroad)

2007-11-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

(Foreword: this post is actually a really old one from months ago while i was still abroad. I'm lifting it off my friendster blog so that I can start putting my entries in just one site. That, and I'm also too lazy right now to write any new ones.)

Okay here's the deal.

I'm abroad so everything's supposed to be different.

The food, the scenery, the culture and the people.

I decided I want to take it all in.

Fill up my senses with information and just take it all home.

I want to go to every museum, landmark, event and heck even supermarkets and just feast my eyes on the new, the weird and the mundane.

I want to remember everything.

But aside from that resolution, I never thought I'd be learning more about myself in the process.

Here are the list of things I've done (whether voluntary or not) that are so undoubtedly Filipino:

1. Lily's peanut butter

I have always favored this brand over the imported stuff. My cousins say it takes more like sugar than peanut. I say US brands like Skippy and Goober taste more like peanut than sugar. So what? I grew up with this stuff. I happen to like it whether its on bread, pita, crackers, bananas or just by eating a big dollop off a spoon. I guess it's useless to argue the point. It may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but thats just my third world (un)common sensibility kicking in. It's cheap (well, maybe not over here. It costs almost $3 a bottle. An almost 200% profit for asian stores). So far, I've bought at least 3 or 4 bottles during my stay here. Crazy huh? Just like getting a little piece of home.

2. Karaoke

This is definitely a staple in any Filipino party here in the states. It goes with the "smile-though-your-heart-is-aching" mentality we Pinoys have. People may complain about loneliness, money troubles and stress over here, but once someone starts belting out a tune, everyone becomes happy again. Even some Filipino restaurants have it. We frequently visit this one place in San Jose which is open til 2am everyday because of their videoke hours. They also offer discounts on the food if you sing (I have no idea if this also applies to off-key singing as that goes against the whole theory that singing will make people want to stay)

3. Filipino restos

I've always wondered why with the proliferation of Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese and Korean restos, there is a glaring disparity in the number of Pinoy places to eat. Somebody pointed out to me that Pinoys scrimp on the serving size. Another person told me that they overprice things. So I checked out Goldilocks, Barrio Fiesta, Gerry's Grill and a bunch of other home cooking restos. (Jollibee doesn't count. It's the same menu, but you have to order rice as a side dish).

Goldilocks

Goldilocks is the only place I've eaten at over here that actually counts the number of meat and actually lessens the serving in front of you. No wonder only Pinoys eat there. But it's always packed though.

Barrio Fiesta

Barrio Fiesta's interiors look the same as their local counterpart, only stuffier. The waiters have been there for ages and ages already and the staff is very attentive. Definitely first-world customer service. Their $4.50 halo-halo was okay, but the leche flan (which is like the piece de resistance of any halo-halo in my opinion was exceptionally disappointing). It tasted worse than ready-to-make flan you buy at the supermarket.

Gerry's Grill (Union city)

It was a pleasant surprise to know that one of my favorite sisig places had opened near my cousin's house. But I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up too high. They had obviously adjusted their cooking to suit foreigner's tastes already. The chicharon bulaklak was almost all meat (which is actually a good thing). Everything else was fine. They were kinda pricey though. Must be because of the cool interiors. Unlike other Pinoy restos, Gerry's definitely put a premium on good ambiance.

Chowking and Red Ribbon

I havent actually gone there yet, although I've passed by these places so many times. They close early so I can never grab a bite to eat there after my games. Looks promising though, my cousin says the dimsum is good.

Atbp.

I don't know why so many Filipino places here look like your average carinderia or canteen in Manila. Whether the price of upkeep is too high or they simply don't bother with appearances, it just doesn't cut it as compared to other asian places (but in fairness, the toilets are always clean and tidy unlike better looking Chinese restos. ugh). I find it funny that the older pa-sosyal people who lived in Manila before go to these places alot. Pero when they go back to the Philippines, hindi mo sila mapapapasok sa ganung lugar. Oh the hyprocrisy nga naman. When they're in Manila, they wanna look rich because they're "stateside," but when they come back here, they're as bakya as you can get.

3. Halo-halo

It's summertime so Pinoys just love to go out and cool off. My lola loves it when we take her out for this treat if a dozen or so delights (hehe pahiram ng tagline Icebergs...). The price of halo-halo here averages from $3.50 to $4.50. Wala pang tax yan ha. I would rather order sago & gulaman, but I cannot part with my $3.75 for something I know probably cost them less than a quarter to make. The problem is with getting halo-halo at Pinoy eateries is that your never quite sure what your getting. Minsan masarap, minsan hindi. The worst problem would be if they ran out of your favorite ingredient (it doesnt matter if its a major or minor flavor, one place even had the gall to charge us full price even though they ran out of leche flan AND ube!). And when I went to complain... "Ay, pasensya na po, madami kasing nag-order nyan kahapon eh. Kaya naubusan na kami." Geez. As if stating these facts automatically absolves him of substandard food quality AND not being forthright to the customer. This is why I love American customer service standards. I actually abhor that saying "Kung maikli ang kumot, matutong bumaluktot."

4. Malling

I'm staying at a place near the Great Mall (which I think really isn't so great and worthy of it's name. Come to think of it, they should've named MOA the Great Mall of Asia. Now thats a "great" mall if your talking of sheer size alone. Nevermind the store arrangements...). I haven't really done alot of malling since most malls here are just one or two storeys high. Parang ali mall lang. But I've visited most of the major malls in the area. There's Valley Fair and Santana Row which is our equivalent of Rockwell or Greenbelt. Then there's Sunridge and Eastridge (I cant tell them apart) which would remind me of Galleria or ATC except that I find them inferior in aesthetics. Hay... miss ko na talaga ang Gateway.

5. Movies

I thought my movie watching addiction would subside over here (given the $9-10 price range) but I guess that was not meant to be. Thank you God for $6 matinee shows and double features. Thank you $2-5 DVD sales at Hollywood and Blockbuster video. Thank you Netflix for getting me through my housesitting weekends! I can't remember everything I've watched but Disturbia, Spiderman 3, A Mighty Heart, Transformers, and Sicko top the bunch.

Whose line is it anyway?

2007-10-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

I felt like that day went on forever.

Last week, I had to go to all these government offices to get different documents.
And boy oh boy, was I in for one heck of an afternoon.
There were lines that felt like they would never ever end.
From the line to get the application/renewal forms, the line for payments, down to line where all you have to do is wait for your request to be released. Each line was like one constant challenge after another.
Lines that zigged and zagged and looped and looked impossibly, seriously crazy.
I don't understand why people's heads don't just explode from the lack of order.
No wonder Filipinos are considered tolerant people.

In the city hall, all documents have to paid for at the cashier's office at the second floor. From the twenty thousand peso transactions to the twenty peso fees, you all end up falling into one line that apparently can stretch unto infinity (i kid you not. I can go on and on about this and still be dumbfounded at how long these lines can get).

Anyway, it's a good lesson in practicing (or in my case, learning) the virtue of patience. Except for the fact that I can totally feel the guy behind me almost rubbing up against me (not because he wants to, but because another dude is rubbing up against him!), which is supposed to nudge me a few centimeters forward. Not a pretty site I tell you. And when we finally get into the area inside the cashier's office, (the line starts to snake around just when you go up the stairs and reaches all through the hall) the "snake" breaks off into four or five mini "snakes' (depending on which cashier unceremoniously decides to take a break). But this fact won't really be evident when you reach the door, God only knows how people figure it out. So on one end, you got this loooong line and then you got these small lines ahead which people don't really notice til they've gotten tired of watching other people pass them by.

But just to give you an idea of Philippine politics at its simplest, this police guy comes in and starts talking to this clerk on break. The clerk is counting a thick wad of cash and obviously balancing his books. But the police dude kept badgering him about his fees. Of course everyone is honed in on what is transpiring and I could totally see a big mad rush of people miraculously appearing behind the police guy once the clerk decides to do business. But as if that weren't bad enough, the cashier announces (like he's probably done it a million times before) that he's not really opening his lane, he just needs to help out Mr. Stereotypically-corrupt-and-lazy-police Guy because he has more important things to do than fall in line unlike you mere mortal citizens.

It's bad enough that they can't protect us from criminals, harass us in traffic and instill seeping fear whenever they approach us anywhere, but to get ahead like that so blatantly, with such audacity, is one of the major reasons which makes me want to live the rest of my life elsewhere.
I mean, I used to be a pretty crazy driver, which is probably why I get the creeps whenever I see a traffic cop near my ride. But the cops abroad just didn't have that same "I-might-plant-something-on-you" vibe as the ones we have over here.

Wait conscious

2007-10-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

I am now officially 20 pounds overweight.
After my first ever appointment with a nutritionist, I have now confirmed what I have already known since I decided to start my undying tempestuous love affair with dark chocolate. ("I know it's wrong, but who am I to resist?")
But it ain't so bad, I honestly thought I needed to lose more than double that.
Stupid, distorted me.

Anyway, the nutrition lady said I had 3-5 months to attain this goal.
I thought my agonizing toothache from weeks ago would've helped slim me down by now.
Even the ache from the unexpected tooth impaction is still making its presence known until now.
But all those yummy coffee jelly concoctions have been proving me otherwise.
Darn you, you jelly-like, lovely sugary, wiggly-jiggly, cheap and affordable little things.

I am pretty dead set on attaining this goal.
Bar birthdays, christmas & new year parties and the occasional trip to my favorite new japanese green tea cafe (I love you Kozui!), I will be lean again.
I guess it is kinda neat not to be able to afford everything after all.
No wonder there aren't too many overweight poets in the world.

I read in a popular magazine that guys find women who aren't self-conscious more attractive than those who are.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh, but how you carry that weight around that attracts guys.
Really?
So I wonder where sporty girls come in on that equation.
Sports give you self-confidence. But does it give you too much that guys (especially the local kind) find it too intimidating for their taste?
Honestly, I just can't win.

But except for being irritated at my extra flab, I am pretty happy with the way I look.
I love my body because it hasn't failed me (yet).
I'm just hoping this crick in my knee miraculously goes away (yeah right).
But all in all, i'm alright.
I am so glad I can say that.
Goodbye fat, just you wait.

All is well

2007-10-21T01:56:00.001-07:00

I'm back.
After reading a couple of my old posts, It kinda got me missing the whole blogging business.
I never thought I would enjoy it in the first place, but here I am now satisfying an unexpected need. (which is especially good after wracking my brain trying to finish two long articles on a lazy sunday when I'm supposed to be out on the field training with my team)

I've been freelancing ever since I got back. Kinda cool. Been up to my neck with stuff to do, pictorials and events to attend, articles to write and people to meet. It's so easy to kill time when all you want to do is get the year over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Of course, it goes without saying I'm broke too. One can't live on babysitting and housesitting alone for the past six months, dollar earnings or not.
But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world.

You name it, I've written it by now. Ever since I got back I've accepted all sorts of stuff from different publications. Mommy mags, sports mags, celebrity gossip mags and even toyed with the idea of getting into corporate stuff. I use up my money for transpo, internet cafe expenses and of course in order to continue my preference for anything-but-fast-food grub. I feel like upchucking at the thought of eating another microwaveable meal or Hot Pockets this year. It was fun for a week or two, but that stuff is just dpwnright nasty if you had to eat it everyday. If that's one reason why I'm glad to be back, it would be because of that. Here in the Philippines, you don't need to resort to super-mega-over processed food just to get by. I have recently discovered a friendly neighborhood resto masquerading as a carinderia and so far, with their P40 kare-kare and P35 beef steak, I am one happy camper.

I've also recently had to bid a sad adieu to one of my lesser beloved molars, but thats a whole other (whiny) story altogether.

soccer scenes

2007-08-04T12:20:00.001-07:00

Fire Boars

2007-02-16T01:54:00.000-08:00

This is my first entry for the year.
No much to write. yet.

I could always talk about how I quit work, got sick, got well, and then got sick again.
Yeah, that would make for a great Valentine's story.
I know, I know, new year... but it's still the same old me.

Not In The Mood

2006-09-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not really feeling up to writing anything today, particularly for this week.
Especially this week.
But since I haven't exactly been dutiful in updating my blog, I figured I might as well "unload" today...

I am on a self-imposed diet starting this week.
It's called the "someone-stole-all-my-money-last-weekend-and-I-have-to-scrimp-for-a-few-weeks" diet. Ever heard of it?
Only side effects are the occasional feeling of being stunned/shocked/paralyzed with disbelief at the thought that you had been deprived of what you own.
I know I'm hyping it up again (sympathetic friends have told me to let this issue go as I should be thankful that worse things didn't happen), but the feeling just plain sucks.
Here I am trying my darnedest to be thrifty (that's short for "something short of being a scrooge"), buying nice things only if they're at least 40-70% off, foregoing going out to shave off added expenses ("Let's skip the bar scene and just kill time at the gym and dance til-we-drop for free!"), and deprive myself of some supposedly minute details, ("Oh I guess I don't really need that new gym bag, the seams on my old one can hang in there for a few more months, little holes adding up and all.")

What kills me is that if I had known I'd be ripped off like this, I shouldn't have tortured myself waiting for those killer New Balance trainers to go on sale, while at the same time being stressed all the while that maybe by the time that they DO go on sale, my size would've already have been sold at regular price! (I should explain: I rarely splurge on anything, and when I do, it's always gonna be on a pricey pair of cross-trainers, my brand of choice for the past few years having been New Balance, or as a snazzy-but-not-as-comfortable runner-up, Nike. But rarely, and I mean RARELY do I find a pair that really "speaks" to me. And when I do, this is usually a pair I know I'll end up thinking about alot, so I might as well get it regardless of the tag price. But of course, there has to be some sort of discount or else I'll just wait it out like the rest of the hoi polloi.

Anyway, I've never really had anything stolen from me (except maybe an almost empty wallet with my pager clipped to it back in college). I've lost tons of stuff. Stuff I probably don't even know I've lost til maybe years later and it just pops into my head. But it's negligible. I buy cheap stuff all the time. Which makes it less heartbreaking when it's gone. But if it's lost jewelry or money, well that's tough luck. But I guess the bigger issue for me (which kinda betrays how naively I view the world) is that It still escapes me how these things can happen and keep on happening. I can't put into words my exact sentiments about this, but the feeling of helplessness is there. I feel bad that I can't do anything to change the situation, except maybe my attitude to it. It will not make me jaded. It should make me more careful.

I'm Happy, you think?

2006-08-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

Aren't consistent people wonderful?
The good are always on or near the good path while the bad stay on theirs.
There isn't much figuring out to be done.
No wishywashyness going on. No shocking news. Life is steady.
I'm too old for surprises.

I think consistency is a sign of a strong character.
It takes guts to be true to who you are, to adhere to what you believe in, and to never waiver in opinion, despite the odds.
I'm not assuming you are consistently good. In fact, you may as well be consistently bad, and I'd probably still respect you anyway. I prefer to see the true colors rather than the fabricated pretty ones.

Dark Chocolate

2006-08-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

There's alot I have to be thankful for today.
But not all exactly in a perfect way.

Sometimes gratitude comes in the form of long-lost friends who call up out-of-the-blue just to check in on you. I guess true friends are like that. They stick with you even if you think your the most horribly unagreeable person in the whole wide world already. Or maybe, they've ESP-ed their way into your brain to weed out any a**holes you might be associating with instead of them. My friend Joey is like this. God knows why she still keeps me. I am about as useful to her as a mud-ugly, deflated football(and she doesn't even play either). We had our days/months/years even, where we lost touch, but she just manages to reconnect and it's like we never missed a days worth of gossip in each others lives. Thanks for coming back jo.

Sometimes closure can come in the form of news. Good or bad, news is news. I had been wanting to hear news about someone whom I hoped to god did not die a horrible death or get all his fingers, lips, and ears cut off (which was supposed to logically explain why he has not replied to any form of communication). A friend even suggested I pray for news, which I did. Not exactly the type to engage in fervent dialogue with God everyday, I prayed. Not for what I wanted, but for him to get what he wanted. And I guess he did. Thankfully, he did not get any of his appendages cut off, nor is he living on the streets. He is, as I can assume, happy and well. And better off without me.

Sometimes regret can come in the form of two things: action or inaction. You either regret not doing something, or you regret something you did which you wish you had not done in the first place. I usually pride myself in saying I have no regrets. Ha. Who am I kidding? Apparently, almost all my regrets were regrets of action taken. Too much action, apparently, is enough to kill any kind of relationship. Maybe things will be better if I just took the backseat view from now on....

Sometimes happiness comes in the form of cheap thrills like spending the day exactly the way you want it. Last Wednesday felt like my birthday. It was great. I guess spending time with family can do that to you. I finally convinced the fam to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am and hie off to a water spa for an early morning dip. swear to god I love those hot, hot, hot herbal pools. But what i love most is dunking myself in the ice-cold whirlpool afterwards (I swear to god, it would freeze my balls off, if I had any. I kid you not!). Then we had breakfast, followed by coffee and cappuccino cheesecake afterwards. Then it was off to work. My perfect day.

Sometimes love for work can come in the most mundane of circumstances. It's great when you chance upon people purchasing your magazine. But it's a a million times greater when you see them walk out of the store and hurriedly open the mag just to see whats inside already. This lady I shared the elevator with couldn't even wait til she got to her car to check out what's in our latest issue. Now if that isn't the biggest compliment, I don't know what is....

Idiot-syncrasies

2006-08-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

The rains finally stopped today.
Time to bring out the leggings and ballet flats again.
I've been hiding under layers and layers of sloppy clothing the past few days (great excuse to wear two jackets at the same time.)
So easy to slide into that routine of looking androgynous and apathetic.
The thing with clothing, even when you try not to look like you pieced together an outift, whether you just opted for grunge or sporty or goth, truth is you still cared enough to choose what to wear to pull off that exact un-put-together look.
An ex of mine once commented "You dress like you just put on whatever you got from your closet without looking, at least that's what you want people to think."
Much to my dismay, he's right. I have to agree.
I won't wear just anything.
A girl has got to have some standards, at least in that department.

Love Life

2006-07-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

Clarification: the title of this entry was meant to be a statement rather than any romantic happening

Finally, i'm getting the chance to write stuff I actually love.
Not to say that I hate talking about celebrities, because even I gotta admit, there are worse things to do in the world (like being the guy who rides cramped jeepneys just to squish in between female passengers and hopefully cop a feel).
I've been wanting to get involved for the longest time in something I can be passionate about (men not necessarily included) and I think I've found it in this org I joined. Won't write about it speciifically for now. I feel like it's too early and I'm too much of a newbie to even think I can speak about them. All I know for now is, all this time, it's just been so stupid of me to realize that I've been uninvolved but aware about them all these years.

Of course I wasn't too confident about my writing skills back then. Not to say it's any good now (my friendster profile still stands: a wannabe writer during weekdays and wannabe athlete turned gym rat on weekends). it's just that I haven't been having much self-doubt lately. And boy oh boy, I could definitely run for Queen of Self-Doubt in those days.

So now here I am gloating on my blog about things I haven't written yet. (thats what blogs are for right? Gloating to humans kinda has risk for backlash in ways I don't even wanna ponder right now)
I just pitched some half-baked stories that have been swimming in my head all these years (including that idea for a book that I wanna do if I had the street cred to write an actual book) and I figured, heck, if I pitch 10 stories then there's gotta be some chance of at least one of them getting a go-ahead. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll like two.
Well I just got feedback, and not only am I gonna write one story soon, apparently I'll be writing about all of my pitches in succession! Coolness. Rad. Cowabunga (all my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles expressions seem to spurt out when I feel like gloating.

So there, I admit. I'm pretty happy today.
Even the rain looks lovely outside.

I Don't Get You

2006-07-21T02:49:00.000-07:00

You my friend, are an enigma.
I've known you for so long and still you won't let me understand.
You wrack my brain and you've tread on my heart
And still i keep on caring....

Caring for what you may ask?
For our friendship, for your future, for everything we've ever shared.
(Or maybe it was all in my head)
What was in your head all these years?
I still don't know.

And you say you're the one who needs rescuing......

Dazed

2006-07-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept in over 30 hours.
By choice, not because of some nagging depressive state of mind that usually keeps me awake because of thoughts i like to wallow in.

I'm not usually as adventurous as people think I am. I like routine. I like looking forward to starting the same consistent cycle in a brand new spanking day.
Which is why I don't really do well with impromptu invitations.
My first impulse is always to decline.
Call me anti-social, but maybe I've gotten used to small groups.
But anyway, some old old ghosts from the past insisted that we meet up, and even as I continually discourage them from wasting any more time and text money on me, they still decided to show up in front of my house anyway.
At 2 in the morning.

So off we went, not having anywhere in particular we were supposed to go to. Ended up driving around alot and even discovered some literal dead ends along the way (blame it on our tipsy driver who started drinking early in the evening. Apparently, they all just felt like going out. Getting out is more like it. Out of life, out of their loves, out of everything that restrains us from being who we truly want to be. How liberating, if only for just a few quick hours.

We ended up at someone's house. Drinking and talking. As usual, I had about one fourth of what everybody else had drunk, but ended up being the reddest come going home time. And speaking of going home time, I got back to my house at 11am. Helluva time to get back to sleep. So I didn't.

Sleep will come to me. But it's gotta catch me first. Haha. I'm still dazed

Amiss

2006-07-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

If there were three questions you wish you could ask someone now, whom you won't have the chance to ask ever again, what would it be? Here's mine.

1. Regrets aside, why'd you do it?
2. At what point did you realize that this could be a turning point in your life?
3. What has changed you the most?

Flipflapping

2006-07-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely no idea what the word "flipflapping" means.
And since it probably doesn't mean anything conclusive, I'm taking it to mean whatever I want to write in this particular entry.

It's a hot day outside. It definitely feels like summer (even though summer was officially over a month and a week ago). I am wearing my fuschia slippers and spanking new orange beach bag to work. it certainly feels like i'm headed to the beach. I wish. It becomes summer everytime i go outdoors on weekends. After dragging myself out of bed to catch a morning gym class, i go home by lunch to make in time to meet up with fellow-minded friends and it becomes summer all over again. Come to think of it, I didn't really get to enjoy summer this year. No sleepovers at weird girls houses, no drinking games, and no funny Korean men trying to hook up in Bora.

I have an article due today and I had my tummy all up in knots worrying if I'll finish it the way I like it. Of course I can get it done, but the point will always be, how satisfied will I be with what I write? So to battle that, I like doing things totally unrelated to my work just to take the edge off and blogging is one of them. Sometimes trying to take your mind off the things that you can't help worry about is EXACTLY what you need to get it done.

Not a Movie Review

2006-06-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

You know whats better than watching Superman Returns?
Watching Superman Returns in 3D.

I just caught the 9am screening of the film at the IMAX theater at the SM Mall of Asia. One of the editors gave out much-coveted passes the night before and me and my work buddies were giddy with excitement at the thought of watching it on opening day.

Now I've never been a big fan of 3D and the godawful-looking glasses you have to wear to experience it.
But this was definitely something else.
Superman Returns is jaw-droppingly beautiful, especially when your watching it in the biggest movie screen in the country (supposed to be equivalent to the height of an eight-storey building). During the 3D scenes, everying not only leaps out at you, its LARGER THAN LIFE. Our gay friend was literally hugging mid-air everytime Superman was soaring "towards us."

Even though i had already read alot of reviews prior to watching the flick, I still felt it was great entertainment. Clocking in at over two hours and a half, the movie leaves you hankering for more even though you don't leave the theater unsatisfied. It is a long and wonderful journey that intersperses the classic Reeves' superman and Routh's infusion into the character. I think this is a good way to inculcate the generation of today with a classic comic book character. I also like the implied parallelism with Jesus Christ in some of the scenes and the tri-personlaity of Kal-el, Clark Kent and Superman.

Can't wait for the next installment.

Definitely Not My Day

2006-06-21T04:07:00.000-07:00

It started out innocently enough, a totally innocuous day.
Or so i thought.

Woke up happy the sun was out (I always prefer the sun to the rain. Maybe because its my kind of soccer-playing weather, but then again nothing beats the fun of playing soccer while your muddy wet and sliding everywhere. Ah, those were the good ole days in Sunken Garden...)

I'd like to consider myself a happy commuter. I don't mind all the harried transferring from jeepney-train or bus-tricycle that my route to the office entails daily. My only gripe right now is that by the time I get to the office, I am all sweated out, not to mention zapped of any energy I should have spent working. PLUS, I perspire to the point that I wish I could just have brought extra clothes. I remember this anti-perspirant commercial that promises to solve all those wet spots. Now I wish they could find a product that could prevent my chest from sweating so much. I hate those damn wet lines!

Well, I usually don't mind, but today was different. I had a presscon to attend in another city for lunch and I was bothered by not feeling so fresh. Not to mention that halfway through my commute, I discovered my water bottle had leaked through my bag and stupid me didnt even notice til my entire right leg was soaked through. I looked like I peed myself! (Technically speaking, the water pattern isn't consistent with a girl having peed herself. It should have wet through the middle and gone outwards on both sides. The wet spot on my jeans would have been perfect for male incontinence episode because it was only wet towards one side. This is my "watched-too-many-episodes-of-CSI Vegas and NY speaking by the way")

So suffice to say, by the time I got to work, I was pretty bothered by how I looked. But still, me and an office buddy attended the event. This again entailed commuting and walking through 3 inter-connected malls (which is fun but the whole walking-through-hot-cold-hot-cold wasn't really good for me). And I was right, halfway through the crowded presscon, I started nosebleeding. Not the trickle down slowly type mind you. It came down in one long gush and I'd like to thank the kikay gods for making me remember to bring extra tissue in my bag for horrid situations like this. Now since the room was packed I couldnt really go out so I tried holding my nose and making the blood clot, but after many excruciating moments of looking like a crazy dork in front of Jericho Rosales (who's endorsing a new line of jeans for Denim Lab), I decided to sneak off to the nearest ladies room.

When we got back to the office I had another nosebleed. Makes me wonder what the heck's wrong with me. Is it one of those weird maladies that Dr. Gregory House loves solving? Will alien antibodies start eating and melting my vital organs til it starts looking like baked lasagna in there? Have I been watching too many episodes of House M.D? Anyway, thank God another pal brought me ice and i used my gym towel to bring my body temp to a cooler temp (I generally have a hotter temp than anybody else I know. Not very good when you live in a tropical country)

So now, here I am finishing off a small cup of spicy seafood instant noodles. Lotsa MSG I know. But I'm holding off til everybody leaves. It's really nice in the office when everyone's gone and the AC hasn't been turned off yet. Very peaceful. Maybe my day doesn't have to end with a rotten egg.

Food-tripping (June edition)

2006-06-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of stuff I've never tried before and my (more than) two cents' worth on it.

1. Pringles Guacamole-flavored potato chips
I definitely like this flavor more than any wasabi-flavored chips I've tried. it's tangy , but not enough to turn off those who don't like food that has a bit of a bite. The green tinge on the chips is kinda off-putting (like its moldy or something), but if you can get over that, it's actually pretty good. Best eaten in a dark, dark theater.

2. Pringles Cheezy Quesidillas flavored potato chips
I think it's really great that Pringles keep comin out with new "exciting" flavore (just like Cheetos, except they didn't come out with a new flavor, but a new texture instead. I am saving up to splurge on one big bag of Cheetos cheese Puffs as I write this). This is just a variation of their regular cheese version, but at least it's different.

3.Speedo Sports Water in starfruit flavor
Whenever my godmother in Cali asks me what I want, I always tell her to get me sports-related stuff. Most of the other things I know is available locally, so why make her spend for it right? So I got all sorts of bandages, joint supports, heat pads and sports drinks. Last last year, the newest thing I received was powdered gatorade and this year Speedo water tops the list. I like their thick blue bottles. It's pretty sturdy and re-usable (I just read in a medical magazine why you shouldn't re-use clear plastic mineral water bottles. Apparently, they have toxic stuff inside that could contaminate whatever you refill)

4. Akay-Akay
I'm not a big fan of native rice cakes, but I believe in trying everything at least once (except those recipes that involve okra and bitter gourd), and we went to this deli called Mommy's. Akay-Akay is a form of cassava cake that has red beans in it (which is one of my favorite ingredients. I love mongo bread, hopia and buchi balls!)

5. Green grass rice cakes
Me and a friend were in a hurry to buy takeout from a nearby foodcourt in order to make it to a 7pm showing of The Da Vinci Code (we weren't gonna catch the last full show lest we end up going home in the wee hours of the morn). So what happened was a frenzied scoping out of all the food stalls and haphazardly ordering anything we thought we be remotely un-messy enough to eat inside the cinema. As an afterthought, my friend decided to order this brownish-green rice cake we saw on our way out and had it microwaved for takeout. It was yummy! It had gooey coconut strips inside and wasn't too dry in texture.

6. Pancake Sandwiches
Our main course for that night, we bought at NY Diner (a place originally i just know for its gigantic french fries slices with your choice of a dozen or so dips). We had always wondered about their expanded new menu and although it was a bit pricy (a little over $2 for waffles and pancake sandwiches). So we ordered a ham & egg pancake sandwich for her and a bacon & egg pancake sandwich for me. It is exactly what it is called,a pancake sandwich, just with a side order of fries. I loved it! You pour maple syrup on everything and just slice your way to carbo heaven. Yummy!

Musings

2006-06-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

"How about let's not do this ever again in this lifetime okay?
Okay."

This was the conclusion I came to, the endpoint of a running conversation I kept having in my head every few years. The untimely (When does it ever really become "timely" anyway?) death of a relationship. The sad sorry time when you pick up the dregs of your former self and hope to God you haven't lost all the pieces yet. Analytical mind? Check. Ability to emphathize? Check. Self deprecating wit? Check. Ability to love again? Check (Thank God). Self-confidence??? Oh shit. I knew I left it somewhere.

Sometimes you reassess the things you do and wonder why you are cursed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Not that choosing to be in love falls directly under that ill-fated category, but choosing to complicate your life with a love too difficult to maintain can quite easily be viewed as illogical to some people (my alter ego included).

Being a woman (ahem), I really don't think a guy should hold a girl up to the last thing she manages to spout off the last time they fought. Stuff said in the most heated (or emotional) of times are never trustworthy. It's not like going to an ukay-ukay and making a decision then and there because you know you'll never find another piece like it in the planet. You don't have the luxury of time to compare it with another store because by the time you come back, it may be gone forever. No, I'd rather compare it to shopping for a mass-produced commodity found in department store chains. You find something you like, but you hold back because you try to find something better. Same with words, you say what you think (even if it's the stupidest lamest things to say) because you felt like it, but in actuality, when you finally get to rehash what had transpired, more than likely you wish you'd brought a mental copy editor to straighten you up. So you may think you were right in saying what you did right then, but for sure you'll find better ways of having said it once you've reviewed what happened.

That didn't make sense. oh well
That's what blogs are for. paper moons and candy clouds...

Endpoint: I've probably said alot of things I am not proud of. One time a budding relationship abruptly ended because of one stupid phrase he would never forgive me for. But I've learned from it. And I'm more deliberate now. (not exactly always in a good way though).

Many Vested Plots

2006-05-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder just how funny things tend to fall into place.

Just like in the movies, I absolutely love it when I have no idea how the ending will turn out (and kudos to Mr. M. Night Shymalan who hasn't disappointed me yet). I'm one of those doofuses who turn off their brains when they go inside the theater and just wanna revel in all the eye candy. (which is why it pisses me off when people get too critical, but thats a whole other story...)

I know that just like in sports, there are winners, losers, and those in between in Life. Those stuck in thegray area are those who didn't really lose much, but felt like they didn't win anything either. So for me, it's all relative. You can be either a winner or loser in your head. It all depends on what you hold dear to your heart and what you consider to be expendable. With sports, it's too clear-cut, there are statistics, there are tallies. People watch, they don't even have to decide if you suck or not, because you can do that for them. There will be days when you are the pigeon and days when you are the statue. You can't please everybody. But you also know that you don't really have to please everybody. This is not a beauty pageant. You are not competing for something that is as abstract and subjective as hell. Thank God skill, hard work and determination still count for something. Otherwise my team wouldn't have won the superbowl. But we did. And therefore, we got declared winners. Simple? Yes. Very.

In Love, when you meet someone, hit it off, and then get into a relationship, can you be considered a winner? When you break up, is it considered your loss or his? When is there really a clear cut gain or loss when it comes to relationships? (at risk of sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe, I really havent figured this one out). For me, a gain is more of when I meet somebody, end up caring for him, going ga-ga over him, frustrated over him and living la vida loca with him in mind. It's all a wonderful crazy blur. I gain without ever expecting him to give the exact same thing in return. Because to have the chance to do that, experience that, make that part of your history, is a great opportunity in itself. Mushy, i know. But when I'm old and gray, I'll look back at all these supposedly imperfect times and think about all the horrible judgements I made, stupid stuff that I unbelieveably did, things that would make my parents shackle me int he basement for good if they found out, and it was those kinds of things that will make me happy in my twilight years. (Actually, I'm kinda happy about it now).

In the long run, my losses have turned out to be gains. Because I never mince with words, I have never felt like I have shortchanged someone of my emotions. Because my ego will never be an issue when it comes to relationships, I do not feel bad about past fights. Because I will do my damndest to keep a relationship afloat and exhaust all means to the point of looking like a fool, I have no regrets. Just memories of the hard, challenging process we like to call Love.

Unbelievable

2006-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

I think there's something sad about not being afraid of hospitals anymore.
It's sick to find comfort in surroundings like that.
The general assumption is that you only go to hospitals when there's something wrong with you or you don't want something wrong to happen to you.
But to continually induce situations that amp up the risk factor of you ending up in the emergency room is undeniably stupid (no matter how much fun you had in the process).

I've been to quite a number of hospitals in this lifetime, not all of these visits caused by sports.
Hospitals have this damp alcoholic smell. The lighting is off. The fellow patients are either pained, resisting pain or in a state of shock, same goes for their sympathetic but fatigued companions.
The hospital staff look either affected, disaffected or somewhat tired. Occasionally there will be a cute doctor or intern, but that still does not remove the fact that you are in an enclosed area where there is alot of pain going on.
And pain, is an idea I've become all too familiar with especially in the past few months.

In all honesty, it was fun being wheelchaired around for a change. because sometimes I get too tired to pretend I'm still strong. In a hospital, people genuinely want to help you out, not just for show. And I know i can be weak.
Sometimes, i can't tell if i'm in real honest-to-goodness pain or if I'm just acting up. But I guess dripping blood is a good indication. other than that, i can't tell either way. Sad, I told you.
I've also gotten used to being stared at alot when i'm there. Stares that either say "Well what happened to her?" or "Playing contact sports is just a stupid thing for a girl to do." I'm used to different doctors chatting me up to assess my sitaution and then tell me about their old playing days and how they miss being on the field. I am used to all their morbid attention by now.

The Cause:
We played our semis game last saturday despite the typhoon (and better judgement). My eye ended up connecting with someone's elbow (i think it was more of the other way around) and my shoulder popped. so despite wanting to finish the game (playing 2 hours actual game and two hours overtime, but still ending in a draw), i was scooted off to the nearby cardinal santos hospital for x-ray and examination.
So there I was, with lots of caked mud on my wet clothes and cleats, sitting in the x-ray room by myself wondering how the hell do i get myself into these kinds of situations?

Because it all boils down to me. I knew I was asking for it. and i'm still in denial about that.

D-Days

2006-05-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dreary, Dark, and decidedly damp.
That's how last night ended and today got started.
The dayi thought wouldn't come til end May got a little too excited and decided to (literally) rain on what's left of summer.

I wasn't able to pursue the set plan yesterday (which is why I'm leaving the previous post unfinished). But maybe it'll pull through this Sunday when crabby people aren't so crabby and everybody gets a decent night's rest.

yesterday, I was able to pass by my old ballet school. Actually, it's the same school, but different location. They've upgraded to a more elite mall, but my teacher still looks the same. I was transfixed to the point that the some of the students were probably wondering what the hell this scruffy looking girl was doing, staring at them while en pointe. I can't stay I miss my toe shoes days. There was always some sort of unspoken competition between you and your batchmates, especially if someone gets promoted to toe shoes earler. I remember everyone eagerly anticipating that day after class when our teacher would call you over and tell you that you can now go out and buy your first pair of toe shoes.

Anyway, enough about ballet.
I was all over the city yesterday running various errands and thinking to myself that it must eb so hard to maintain your dignity while being impoverished here int he Philippines. Case in point:

1. The jeepneys, considered the main form of transportation, which theoretically exist for public CONVENIENCE, are anything but convenient. First off, the barkers practically harangue you into choosing their jeep, then the drivers order you into squishing yourself into a seat that is more of a seating space ideal for an 8 year-old child.
2. Now with the rains, its become a sort of micro hell whenever you commute because the jeeps all have these plastic covers that keep all the rain out and keep all the passengers body heat in! So imagine walking around half-wet, getting into a dank jeep, perspiring from your own body heat, your seatmates body heat and the heat of the engine!
3....

Don't be so blase

2006-05-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Our hell week's almost done. Hurray! Hurray!
Which means I get a day off to go food-tripping with a balikbayan aunt/godmother in Quiapo, Manila tomorrow (which will prove to be mighty interesting as I have not been back there this year). It's relief for me because she's been getting antsy about not going around and I've been feeling guilty that in between work and the gym, I hardly have time for other important affairs including her (which kinda gives you an idea of how my sad sorry life goes). Anyway, here's whats on the happy-happy-but-not-joy-joy-cuz-of-the-heat agenda:

1. Take the LRT train to Recto from Gateway in Cubao. (a short 15 minute train ride which only gets slightly more interesting when your unwilling body gets mashed up against more lumpy alien bodies during rush hour.)
2. Walk the murky walkway from Isetann to the Quiapo church (while at the same time trying to look unaffected by the smoldering heat, godawful pollution and skeazy (but appraising) glances from the locals. I guess if you look just as tough and angry as the rest of them, they'll leave you alone. Otherwise, watch your back). The hodgepodge of wares being sold everywhere in Quiapo is an experience in itself and I can't wait to show her the studded carabao rings and other interesting paraphernalia we'll encounter along the way.
3. A compulsory visit to the Quiapo church (which I've passed by countless of times, but have have only gone in only once.) Surprisingly, it's not as scary as the movies portray it to be (swarming with pickpockets and other shady characters)
4. A short walk around Plaza Miranda (once bombed, never the same since)
5. Going down the underpass to get to the other side. Now the underpass is another point area. There's like a mini-mall with food stalls, shops and even a travel agency. How people can work and stay all day underneath one of the busiest, most probably also the dirtiest road in the city is beyond me. Or maybe they're just too busy to care. Just make sure we don't accidentally step on one of the numerous sleeping bodies we encounter on the stairs.
6. Welcome to the Black Market! If the Quiapo Church can be considered the Heart of Quiapo, then the black market (as me and my friends like to call it) refer to this as the Underbelly of Quiapo, full of chinese and muslim merchants

to be continued...

Sweet sweet potatoes

2006-05-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

I seem to keep forgetting to blog this year...
Not that i don't want to, that i can't. I just feel like there's nothing much to write about. I mean, who wants to hear me rave about rediscovering my love for kamote (a.k.a sweet potatoes) fries and oatmeal?
Everyday, about 3 blocks from my office, is a fried banana and kamote stand. They open at 11am and close as late at 8pm (who eats fries at that late hour, i wouldn't know). It's basically a struggle to decide not to buy any as midday snacks for the day. I love how the red sugar sticks to the thin slices. How hot it is and how warm it feels in my belly. I've become semi-familiar with the guy who cooks it and so, he's always trying to give me extra. Even giving me a a plate of peanuts while waiting for my order to be done (3-5pm is their crazy hour because messenger boys from all over arrive with dozens of orders. I prefer buying it myself. More walking mileage).

Not that I usually chat up people. I mean, I think of myself as pretty shy, I don't even stare at anybody when I'm out and that usually results into me bumping into people i don't know and not even recognizing them til they shake

The only other time this has happened was when my mom had to attend a summer banking program at harvard in massachusetts and dragged me along since it was summer. We stayed at this bed-and-breakfast in Boston and while she was out the entire day, i was left to wander around college town where I loved hanging out at the underground punk stores and vintage shops. Right beside this big branch of Au Bon Pain was this unobtrusive Middle Eastern deli. And although I'd gotten used to choosing my usual choice of either ham and cheese croissant or BLT, I decided to give it a try one day. The food wasn't bad. I'm not a big fan of meditteranean, but It was good. And getting to chat with somebody was a nice change too. I couldn't remember how I started chatting with them, but these two guys, the owners and brothers, who weren't so old but too old for me at that time (i think i just started college), were just really friendly and i told them about me being on vacation (which in hindsight was probably not a very smart thing to do considering I didn't know anybody else int he city and vice-versa). Anyway, I remembered they'd be really nice, giving extra soup or extra pita bread or cookies, especially the ones that came out imperfect. i didn't mind. free food tastes better anyway. And I actually thought that younger guy was pretty cute. Too bad I couldn't have stayed longer. And it sucks I haven't been back there in over a decade. Who knows what couldve happened. :)

More ramblings...

2006-04-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

Saturday night and I'm at the office.
Woke up too early, trying to be dragged out of bed by an overzealous aunt.
I think she's gonna get over her jetlag faster than letting the fact sink that I am never going to be a morning person. ever.

Spent the afternoon watching pigkin balls fly overhead. (actually no, there were more flying dust and bodies than actual balls. The games today weren't so great). felt like I was reffing junior league flag instead of the last elimination game before the playoffs.

I was waiting for a cute outdoor magazine photographer to cover the game for a sports mag I'm freelancing at. He was very late. But eventually, he did get the shots he needed. Ended up having take a few shots of my team practicing too. (we were practicing "crazy" routes for next week's all-star weekend). Crazy routes are bound to be fun. it involves putting one finger on the ground and twirling yourself 10 times before running, then doing an egg roll after 5 yards and then a cartwheel after another 10 yards. I can't wait! Although I kinda fell down already after 5 twirls, I ddin't even get to run. It was hilarious. But the zinger is, you don't exactly win for being the fastest, Apparently, the crazy team reps decided it was gonna be judged based on creativity, fluidity of movement (whatever the heck that means) and speed.

Our next game is the semis. Against a very tough team. Skill-wise, I'm happy where my team is at. But personally, I feel that if we really want to be assured of a win, we need to be ready. And being ready involves practice. to just practice, but a good set of preparations (mental and physical). I anticipate alot of brand new bumps and bruises to crop up after this game. I hope noone gets seriouslu hurt though, especially me!

Geez, I seem to be droning on and on about football today. probably because it's the only thing i feel in control of right now. I got to check out my stats earlier and I'm pretty happy with how I've been doing (read: I do not suck yet. I can be an old fogey next season). But if your gonna ask me about how work and everyhting else in life is doing, i probably will give you a couple of inaudible mumbles that amounts to basically nothing.

Work is fine. But for the first time, I've had a naked-in-a-public-area dream. And apparently, that symbolizes stress or anxiousness about something. I feel like i should resign already though. Got far-off places to go to, things to do and time to spend (finally!). We'll see... I really want to see this to "fruition" (borrowing a big word from a big friend)

I love summer

2006-04-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

The Venti Life

2006-04-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish everything could just be solved by a quick trip to starbucks.
Of course, I still swear that their Tazo iced tea effectively shakes off whatever hangover I feel coming on after a long night of party-hearty-ing. But nowadays, even a nice free cup of coffee jelly frappuccino won't do the trick.
I am still at loose ends.

it's summer and hot as hell right now. Barring whatever threat of La Nina thats supposedly coming, the weather absolutely sucks. (Unless you live in Boracay, in which case that would be absolute heaven). The closest to the sun and fun I've had in ages are our weekly football games. I still havent decided what I am liking more right now, being inside the field and getting too hurt for my own good, or watching from the sidelines with a cool glass of iced tea. (no contest here, not when I think I might've torn my rotator muscle [again])

I am trying my darnedest not to go buy an orange popsicle right now. Everyone in the office always comes back from lunch with a waffle cone or iced treat. But I need to cut back. What the hell am I going to the gym for if I eat my way back to the weight I hate? Double negative. You hate yourself for succumbing to those killer gym fees which they hike up too often, then you put on weight that guarantees you no liberation from the bondage of organized fitness. Stupid cycle indeed.

Back to the venti, there's a starbucks in my office lobby and I can still count on one hand the number of times that place has ever robbed me blind (just once, when i was having my fortune read cuz we couldnt find a suitable area for a reading, and all other times were for business meetings). Truth is, despite the abominable pricing, they have pretty yummy stuff. Their strawberries & cream frappe tastes like the authentic strawberry milkshakes I've had in the states, their coffee jelly is the good chewy kind (not the wimpy variety that jollibee has) and their guava juice is really good (especially when your running late and need a quick pick-me-upper).

A friend from the States says that their local starbucks is interested in carrying the lengua de gato (a light crumbly cookie that loosely translates into "fingers of milk")that his friend's sister makes. I told him thats pretty interesting, considering that lengua de gato is kinda commonplace over here. I remember forever buying small packs of it during recess in grade school. I think i'm just afraid I'll get hooked on it like Holy Kettle Corn and then they'll jack up the price which'll leave me going for broke again. But I guess if starbucks can get away with selling $1.25 ham & cheese croissants while Dunkin Donuts sells their superior version for only 80 cents, then anything is possible (except the chance that my salary will go up this year).

I'm not griping, I'm just bummed I'm not yuppie scum enough to afford starbucks everyday (I'd rather save up for a trip to you-know-where). There's this story about the mayonnaise jar, the golf balls, pebbles, sand and coffee grains. The story is too long to tell, but the end point was, (and I truly believe it) that no matter how busy your are, there will always be some space left in your life to grab a few cups of coffee with a good friend. And for that, I thank starbucks (and all the other under-the-radar cafes I've enjoyed kiling time in) but not for the caffeine and the calories though.

I wanna be MK

2006-03-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

I am not 150 pounds.
I am not going to believe that stupid vintage-looking scale in the middle of my gym (embarassingly located right smack where everyone can see the godawful reality of how indoor fitness is NOT working for you)

But then again, there was my pre, post and in-between holiday bingeing (the whole "Oh, one more slice of moist chocolatey caramel-filled devil's cake won't make a difference")
Ha! yeah right it did.
Then there was my all-time rationalizing ("Oh geez, it's not as if I won't be able to work this out this week. I've been working my off at the office all week! i'm allowed to pig out on weekends!")

Actually, I'm pretty happy with my body. Hell, even my closest friends are fine with the way I look. Except maybe for my thunder (soccer) thighs (an unavoidable event, unless I wanted to suck at the sport), I think i pretty far from what you would call overweight.

I still have a pretty good sense of balance, thanks to ballet (my yoga instructor always says balance is power, so the more balance you have, the more power you have over/in your body). If my knees were made of steel, I'd still be inclined to dive, do laterals and make quick cuts all over the place. I've built up my resistance to a point where i don't have to huff and grunt like an ogre everytime i climb up a long flight of stairs (woo-hoo!). I like doing sprints. I like varying speeds. I have finally found some sense of joy in running (although, compared to other stuff, it's still pretty boring to me). But on the days when I can't work out, I just run.

Another peculiar habit I've picked up recently is reading online tabloid news. But it's been having an adverse effect on me though. The celebs these rags have supposedly been picking on are some of the celebs I end up glorifying in my head. Take for instance MK, I admit, she could pass for a bag lady. But I love how she can wear mismatched layered clothes, big buddha bead necklaces and flat thong sandals all day (sans the cigarette and tall cuppa Starbucks though). I am even compelled to buy a leather aquamarine (I'm just totally lovestruck with this color!) bag, not Balenciaga of course. But I feel that it would just go with any outfit (bag lady look or not). Haha, life's little inanities can bring such little surges of joy to me right now.

Its not that I want to be MK, I just want to be fit (take note: i didn't say thin) enough to be able to walk around with clothes that are draped, not hugging me.

Making up your Mind Meld

2006-02-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

I figured nows as good a time as any to start writing again.
Although I've been feeling under the weather lately, maybe my brain cells can still come up with discernible output.

It's so easy to get sucked into the heavy routine of work-eat-sleep everyday, that everything else just seems like added riffraff, extra burdens if you must, even things you usually enjoyed before.

I've been finding solace in mango melon smoothies (it's not prime papaya season), hoping that these overpriced cups of mishmashed fruit, ice and curdled milk can bring me some semblance of happiness.

It's harder to think of nicer things to write about when you feel like crap. it's like the chill inside me has frozen any ability to gush about my usual happy processes. Like how I like freezing moments (inside my head) of happy people around me, making them into vignettes of goodness in my head and how I like looking at holding hands, laughing kids and people just basically having fun.

It's hard to write about the nice and not-so-nice stuff I've recently watched when I've been feeling too dizzy to even take in my usual habit of one hour kimchi soap opera episodes.

I wanted to write an example on how big a deal Friendster has become, even if it's also a brilliant and successful networking program. How coming up with an apt profile to encapsulate your very existence can also become the root of unwanted information about you.

I want to say how much i've missed writing like this even when I know I do not really miss it. But then again, I don't think i would like to have the time to miss anything, because it might hurt. And God knows I've already been down that path and it just plain sucks egg.

Unwritten

2006-01-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

I really like this song by Natasha Bedingfield.
I first heard it when my cousin sang it during our karaoke night and ironically, i think I prefer her version over the original (must be blood loyalty).

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."

And since this is the first week of the year, I felt it quite apt to inculde it in this entry.
I'm also trying to finish up the rest of my resolutions......

(warning: girly-girl issues ahead)
1. Stop wearing those ill-fitted (but comfy) satin bras and start investing on some raunchier push-up ones (haha). Seriously, except for my sports bras (which i prefer to wear anyway), i find that my ordinary ones fit bad. Probably because i hate wearing underwired and i'd do away with bras altogether (blame it on the influence of my aunt in the states whose probably enjoying herself in some hippie farm in Alabama right now) if it weren't for the fact that i'd be so bothered with all that "jiggling."

2. Burn my old, abused corduroy pants and invest in some new ones. I'd like to think that my corduroys are like having pet dogs, they can get thinner as they get older, but still be the same lovable creatures that they were when you first bought them. But there comes a time when the holes are getting too big and your ass is spilling out (and unless your some cute,hot unaware guy like Maximo actor Ping Medina, then I don't think you can get away with that kind of shit) and since corduroy isn't the most expensive fabric in the world, then I figure getting new ones are okay. (But on second thought, i'm still keeping my ratty ones)

3.Over the holidays, I've noticed my family has decided to ditch the old traditional Filipino party format (ya know, the typical noodle ("for long life"), meat dishes and rice cakes fare) and opted for a more "continental" (read:hoity-toity) approach. So basically, we had alot of wine and cheese parties. Which kinda freaked out my "hefty" cousins who are so used to rice meals. I guess it's a good change. But I don't think it'll help us lose weight if we get more than double servings because the portions are cut so small (mushroom horderves are yum!). So my resolution on this is to not get trapped into eating my usual default no-brainer fare. Maybe I could get used to fastfood veggie meat at Bodhi instead of KFC..........

4. Read more, rant less. Not that I have time to blog as much as before anyway, but I've noticed the piles of unread books in my room piling up and I haven't really been trying to catch up with that (Blame it on The Far Side books I got for Christmas, which left my classic reads totally forsaken). But I promise, starting this month, i will read, read and read!

5. Don't really mind the Joneses. Although society has already declared (who the f**k comprises of society anyway?!?) what it deems acceptable and atrocious, I see no reason why I should choose not to ascribe to that particular book of rules. We may coincidentally have similar beliefs (like not walking around in the city with just your underwear, worn inside out or picking your nose with your feet), but that doesn't mean I agree with other things. I think too many rules make life hard for people. To the point that they are a burden already. Rules should be pliant like the bamboo (Which applies to Pinoys, according to a cool filipino writer).

6. Lessen my dependency on "sugar highs." If quick fixes like this were as easily applied to sex, well........ haha, i'll just leave it at that.

New Year's heave

2005-12-31T00:20:00.000-08:00

I think I know exactly what dimsum feels like now.
After spending a quarter of an hour in my gym's steam room, I kinda get the feeling that this is how my favorite shrimp dumplings feel like right before being served.

I just had to squeeze in that last minute workout before 2005 officially ends and I've decided that I'll have to level up my life somehow in so many ways.

I've never actually had serious resolutions before, but when I guess now is the best time to come up with them so here goes....

1. I 'fess up. I am a hopeless chocoholic. I dont think I can totally curb my appetite for chocolates, but I can at least inhibit myself (and save more money) by not buying them. So from now on I will forbid myself to shell out any cash for it no matter how big the craving. I will only live off freeloading these treats from good friends (haha, not really good news for my friends.)

2. (Potable) Water is now my best friend. I was baptised in it (i think), I bathe in it (when I can haha) and my kidney craves for it (it hates bleeding, thats why). So from now on, (except for those stupid sugary drinks that comes free with value meals) I will try to only drink water for refreshment. Soya and cow's milk are a whole different issue altogether. Oh and the doctor says I need to up my intake to 20 glasses a day to be safe (sorry kidney...)

3. I want to be a better listener this year. More than a talker, I think I can learn alot by not being so in-your-face all the time and just be more laidback about things. Taking the cue from my new favorite movie character Aslan, I'd rather rule the world with wisdom not power.

These past few months, I've tried to not be as reactive and I am starting to believe that it is the more intelligent thing to do. I am psyched about the coming year as it gives me the opportunity to do things better too. Everyone deserves a fresh start!

more resolutions to come...

Travelling with Time

2005-12-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas has past and now everybody is getting ready for 2006.
I am psyched, but at the same time, I am also feeling a little bit sad.

2005 turned out to be much better than I ever expected and even though i wasn't really expecting that much (I actually thought it would be very uneventfully safe year). I met and discovered a couple of nice folks, some i had known even before, but never really got around to really getting close to. I also have come to terms with my incessant (yet prevalent) need to not not be alone.

I've settled in a job which i've discovered can be just as great or just as menial as I make it out to be. I like what I get paid to do and I think it is an amazing thing that i havent been found out to be the writing hack that i really am. (lucky bastard).

And since there's so much to be thankful for in 2005, i've decided to come up with resolutions for 2006. Although they're all swimming like soggy alphabet noodles in my head right now(my mind is like a small bowl of hot and creamy mushroom soup). I am plotting forward. because at least in theory, I am getting somewhere.

The Rush

2005-12-23T03:21:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas eve tomorrow and I am soooo glad I do not have any pressing need to go out anymore. One can literally drown in the swarm of people out and about. One particularly gruelling day was when I spent the afternoon shopping for prizes for the games for two parties. A task I thought would not be daunting until now. try getting swept up literally by a throng of gift-hungry masses looking for the best bargain.

Tonight I am catching KingKong on the big screen with a fellow movie buff. Our last chance to go out before family duties take up all our time next week. A merry Christmas indeed!

This entry isnt going to be finished right now.....

The End is Near...

2005-12-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

For 2005 that is.
Haven't really had the time nor inclination to post anything new.
I guess I can be thankful that there's been much to do and not enough time to do nearly half of everything I want.
But it's been a memorable year for sure. Not great, but memorable nonetheless.
I've had the opportunity to travel to the places I wanna see, with the people I wanna be with and stay for as long as I could afford to allow me the chance to miss my beloved city. I was even lucky enough to go back again and again! All in the same year. Now that, was why this could be considered great.

I've also managed to break my one year curse (which applies to both employment and relationships) because I've decided to stay put in my job and I've actually started liking the thought of growing roots here. Because the people are creative and the environment isn't hostile. I've even gone out with colleagues a couple of times and have started missing them on the weekends when I don't have to work (who would've thought!)

It's almost mid-december and the last opportunity for flag football this year has just passed. It was fun and stressful all at the same time. (Note to self: reffing is a thankless job, so why do it?) Though I had work, I just couldnt bear the thought of missing the games, more because this was the only real opportunity where I get to "hang" with like-minded people (read: sport addicts) and because my life had become a routine blur of work-gym-home with the occasional book store jaunt.

Next year promises me alot of things. I asked the Fates what was in store for me and it looks like I was meant to do some serious travelling (on the road, not in my head). So maybe this really is seriously my last playing year in the exhilirating world of contact sports. But surprisingly, I am not too broken up about that. I have alot of things to smile about right now.

2006 here I come....

Endnote:
October was great. October was my favorite month this year. Which is probably why I don't have a single entry during that entire month.

Attachments

2005-11-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile since I last wrote anything online and I guess I am getting used to the hustle and bustle of real life.

Not that I want to immerse myself in a self-perpetuated cyber reality, but that I have suddenly found myself too busy to do anything else but work, sleep and dream.

But inspite of all this, I find myself still attached to the things I thought I could always let go. Just like that. Things that I thought were insignificant and specifically relevant only to a certain phase in my life, people I thought who were just gonna be there seasonally and values I thought I could move on from.

Things things i find myself going back to again and again. And i do not want to sound like i am trying to be philosophical or anything. I am just discovering how much of a fondness (?) I have with things i didn't think too much of in the first place.

One Helluva Party

2005-09-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

I barely had time to catch my breath this weekend.
Apart from playing in a really muddy game. I had to fight off an impending fever that same day, making me all high strung and crabby for the duration of the game. I wasn’t stressed about the opponents, but rather that I felt my team wasn’t delivering up to par with our usual gameplay. I feel that winning isn’t winning when your just capitalizing on other people’s mistakes.

Anyway, we finally had our fundraising football night that same day at a cozy secluded area in Rockwell. We just couldn’t believe how many people came! They just kept pouring in! We ran out of drinks halfway through the night (and this was when we had already asked for four extra bottles already over and above the supply we brought that night). One ticket equals one shot of Jagermeister (our team sponsor).

Anyway, despite all the comings and goings, I believe the party never really died down til around 5am, when the bar starting closing down. The influx was crazy. I saw reps from almost all the teams show up (men AND women) People just didn’t wanna call it a night. And I’ve never seen so many drunk friends in one place before. Since nobody wanted to go home yet, we then hied off for an all-night buffet breakfast at Eastwood city (can you believe driving all the way there just to eat again?!). I got home just before 7am.

What a night.

Sick

2005-09-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

I hate being sick.
First off, your body stops listening to you and goes off on its own way of coping with its pains.
Chills, muscle pains, fever, dizziness, nosebleeds.... all this crap I've had to deal with since Sunday, when I started feeling woozy.

Now I'm back at work (of my own free will), still dizzy but making myself useful.
At home all I did was watch Harry Potter movies and a Taiwanese series based on Japanese Manga called "Mars."
To put it bluntly, Its about traumatized people and how they deal with their pasts. More than that, its also an addicting love story starring Barbie Hsu and Vic Zhou of Meteor Garden fame. I love it that they switch character profiles in this series. she's now the subservient and quiet doormat Qui Luo, while he plays brash and reckless aspiring Grand prix rider Ah Ling.

Its the middle of the afternoon and i think i am just going to go home.
i'm feeling quite melancholic today.
I hate thinking about my birthday.

Lost

2005-09-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today, this is probably the most apt blog entry title I could ever have chosen. Why?

1. Because it is also the title of one of my favorite tv shows right now
2. Because I tend to feel this way for a few hours everyday when i'm too tired to work or finish my gym class
3. Because I am an idiot who loses or breaks things in the most unforgivably stupid ways possible.

The other day, I was thinking how its been quite a long time since I had a good cry (which begs the question, can crying generally be viewed as good thing? Don’t you just cry when your in despair most of the time?) I realized I’ve never really had a big enough reason to cry, nor have I been affected enough (I think) to succumb to such an act. But then again, I can be resilient in all the wrong places. Which follows that I can cry for all the wrong reasons.

Like today, I lost something I’ve had for the past couple of years (which miraculously, has never been broken or conked out on me, unlike most of my stuff). It was a birthday gift I specifically asked for back in college. A trusty black automatic umbrella. My lifesaver.

In my rush to get to work, I took a cab and put my drenched umbrella down, thinking I would have the right number of brain cells left not to leave it. Ha-ha. So when I finally realized this awful fact (after seeing my officemate dry out his umbrella), I wanted to rush to the nearest mall and buy myself a new one, exactly like the one I lost. It was a very unnerving feeling, like someone stole something from me. Only I knew it was my lapse of composure that was to blame.

So I called up my aunt (she’s also one of my closest friends) on the off chance we could go hunting for the same umbrella this same afternoon. Ended up crying on the phone while explaining what happened. I know it sounds silly, but I just don’t know why it’s the inane things that make me cry. Like it’s a catalyst for all the other :heavy stuff” I should be crying about.

Just a Quote

2005-09-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not. --- Robert G. Ingersoll

Who wears the Pants

2005-09-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

You really learn something new everyday.

And sometimes from the unlikeliest of places, mind you.
I got my latest nugget of knowledge from a cab driver today.
We were stuck in traffic (I had to pick up a designer gown we were gonna use for a pictorial and it simply could not be folded or arranged in a manner that would have made it easier or more comfortable for me to carry). And during one godawful long stoplight, the driver turns his head around and asks me what I think about girls wearing jeans. I told him I never really gave a flying fig about it. I always thought it was natural for clothing to evolve into what was more comfortable (as well as cool).

Well anyway, he starts telling me about the time when he remembers that there weren't even any pants available for women (he must've been really old). That it was considered weird for a woman to walk around wearing clothes meant for "just the menfolk." I look out the window and think about it. How things have changed and how things will change even more.

He also mentions how skirts nowadays always seem to get shorter and shorter. There's another interesting nuance he also points out. Apparently, men don't understand why girls in micro-minis keep trying to pull their skirts down when they know its not gonna stretch any further down. Makes their being conscious more conspicuous. Not really cool.

Lucky Bitch

2005-08-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

I've been walking around half-asleep lately.
Don't really know why.
It's not that I almost lost my job last week.
Or that I am losing interest in the only other thing that drives me to wake up everyday.

Last night I lost my phone. And found it again.
Right in the middle of the road.

I had gotten off my usual stop, about a block from my house.
Before going home, I had passed by a late-night supermarket to get fresh fruit and my guilty junk food rations for the week.

Now I have this stupid tendency of texting in the middle of traffic which was why my mobile was not tucked safely in my bag, but just barely peeking out of my jeans pocket. When I got off, with my big backpack (gym staple) and pack of groceries, I didnt bother to double check if I had left anything behind (thats another thing I'm prone to doing nowadays, never looking back)
It was not until I was inside the house that I noticed the absence of a bulge in my right pocket.

Panic, i've learned, is a controllable urge once you've conditioned the mind to accept things you cannot change or contribute to.
So as I decided to search my bags then retrace my steps all the way outside, I was also trying to tell myself that stupid things happen because I let it happen, because thats what happens when you let yourself slide into a lazy state of complacency.

I figured, by this time, somebody wouldve passed by and picked it up already.
But then again, it wouldnt hurt to at least try and look for it.
So as I walked, not trying to look too panicked, nor too dejected. Until I reached the main road. Just as a tricycle zoomed passed the dark orange-lit street, I saw a small black bar lying smack in the middle of the road and i raced to it, knowing full well it could have already been flattened by the rush of vehicles zooming past.
But I was lucky, it was 10pm and traffic was light.

So as I walked up to my poor phone (Its just a baby at barely 2 weeks old), i felt ashamed at being so careless, so scatterbrained, so full of myself. It didnt have a scratch on it at all! (well, except the ones I made when I lug it around).

I figured, only people who have ever truly been in need are the most careful people in the world. Those who do not have any extra to spare, or have cherished what they have to the point of worship. These are those who know and appreciate how lucky they are, to have what they have, to be in the exact situation they have been put in. They know fully well why they do or don't deserve what they have.

I'm not rich. A cellphone is as much a luxury as it is a necessity for me. But maybe, deep inside I know I can live without it. That I dont really need it (well, my boss needs it to contact me, but not the other way around. God knows I'd love not getting last minute text assignments in the middle of the night). I know I should value money more. That it is not just a means to an end, but a means to get me to a specific end.

Love is another commodity in my life I haven't quite taken good care of lately. It seems that I am at a point of losing it and I am not being extra careful again. Not with my actions nor with my words.

I need to keep things closer to my heart I think.

All in a daze work

2005-08-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Everytime I am out walking about, these thoughts pop into my head that I store, things that I would like to do, would like to be, would like to write. And then they end up getting lost somewhere in my mind and I feel stupider than when I didn't think of these things.

There are very few simple things in life that can calm me down, perk me up and get me going again. Here's the top 5

1. Going through a second-hand bookstore and finding nice books to read(its a shame to leave with only one)
2. Walking along a busy street market, taking in all the wonderful eye candy, the colorful wares, the people bartering, the smells, the entire social set-up. It is
like one big lesson in psychology, or art, depending on what you need or want to
know.
3. Visiting vintage shops with no particular mission in mind and you end up with an
armful of stuff you suddenly decided you cannot live without.
4. Walking around the neighborhood mall (it doesnt really matter what the backdrop is) with my best friend for hours, lugging our heavy backpacks (he's also chronic overpacker like me) and talking and overtalking out every silly and sorry little thing we've not been disclosing to each other since we last met.
5. Spending a day by myself, acting on whim and not really knowing where i'll end up.

Manila's Really Trippy

2005-08-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

Funny things always seem to happen to me.
Not that it’s really funny from my perspective, more of embarrassing actually.
Like take for instance, last night, an old friend of mine treated me out and we had a nice relaxing foot massage together. I would’ve fallen asleep except that my friend wanted to hear the buzz about anything and everything in showbiz.

Going home, we decided to take the Metro Rail Transit (MRT) since we figured it was past rush hour and it was faster than the start-stop-hobble movement of the buses in the highway. But boy were we so wrong. There were still so many train commuters at that hour. The MRT line 3 (the one I take to and from the office) has around 12 or so stations going north to south continuously. Now the train doors are located on both sides of the train. This is because every 4th or so stop has a shared platform. Now I am not the type to push and shove just to get into that blasted train, but my friend was confident that we’d fit. So I figured I’d step in last and if there’s no space left then I could just take one step back and take the next ride.

So me and Tess were chatting and catching up on months worth of stories we haven’t shared with each other and all that when the train doors started to close, with one of my bag handles still outside. Funny right? We laughed it off and I figured oh well, I’ll get back full possession of my bag (that’s what I get for bringing a dainty shoulder bag instead of my usual backpack) in the next station. No worries. Until the couple who were (squashed up) behind me pointed out that I’d have to take a round trip (which meant around 8 more stops) to get my bag back since we wouldn’t be passing into anymore shared platforms! Of course, everyone was staring at my reaction, which can only be described as a mixture of amusement, humor, horror and panic.

I was already mentally preparing myself to wait it out, weathering all the looks I was getting from people and accepting the fact that they were all secretly feeling lucky that they would never have to get into unbelievable follies like that girl who was stuck to the train door because she wasn’t sharp enough to pull her bag in. My friend looked at me sympathetically (what else could she do right?). and I was already psyching myself up as to what a great experience it was to be able to have an MRT train all to myself (even though I still couldn’t sit down and leave my bag hanging in mid-air. Only 3 stations more to go and everyone was gonna get out and leave me inside til the train turns around and go south. But a sympathetic dude (who I just know is a God-send!) offered to help pull it out, since the door edges were all rubber. And pull we did, ever so gently, and successfully. Relieved is too minor a term to describe what I felt.

Now, I think I can say it was quite funny.

Seafood Soap (soup)

2005-08-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am writing this while juggling work and lunch (im such a bad bad employee...)
Anyway, i just have to write that I had taken a liking to this instant seafood noodle soup, wherein you just pour in the hot water and Viola, ita a mini-meal!
I like using chopsticks, for the heck of it (plus, it slows my digestion process, i got so attuned to having 15-minute meals in high school that i end up eating so fast and so plenty!)

well, it just dawned on me that my favored soup at the moment smells and possibly also tastes like soap! Yum. yum. yum. I really must need to get out more. (Fyi, my cousin likes tasting baby powder, so there.)

Its back to the rat race......

All Jazzed Up

2005-08-06T02:19:00.000-07:00

Its past 2am, i am at the office listening to my Jazz in the City cd.
I'm contemplating sleeping in the lobby sofa (wouldnt be the first time though) just so i wouldnt have to go home and come back by lunch time (there goes my weekend...)

I don't really mind, we're working on a really good feature article right now and I know it'll be worth the sweat. Plus, i probably get a few days off next week. So now, my head is feeling kinda light, I wish I'd remembered to buy bread from the bakery before going home, and my brain is saturated in all sorts of Jazz.

Tomorrow is the start of the all-womens tourney (which i so obviously wont be able to participate in), i'm not that bummed, my knee hates me right now for not being responsible enough to bring it for an MRI. My other knee is starting to act up but lets not go there...

I am hoping to find the time to watch the new Willy Wonka movie (good luck with that) and hopefully buy a new phone. i'm not the picky type but my trusty old unit is about to give up on me any minute now (dontcha just know it, right gerard?)

anyway, im just on a blogging break, back to work.......

Finger food

2005-08-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

For me, finger food can be classified into two categories, food which is eaten using your fingers (or toes, if you like) or food which actually resemble fingers (like those mighty thin fish sticks i had for lunch at the cafeteria, which, on the menu read "Special of the Day: Fish Fingers with Crispy Kangkong and garlic mayo dressing". What I didn't expect was that they would actually have the audacity to serve me one lousy piece of that leafy veggie! Oh my god, do they actually think I'd have fulfilled my RDA with that one leaf?! Anyway, this is why you should never trust breaded food. The breading (more truthfully known as "extenders" give the appearance of a fat juicy slab hiding under a textured layer of crispyness, its more like a thick slab of crispyness with a thin layer of something that allows our taste buds to recognize that its meat.)

What food can we eat with out fingers? Ive discovered that it can be practically everything except coffee jelly, spaghetti and baked macaroni. One of the hardest things I've tried to eat with my fingers was a very very sharply-boned piece of skinny fried fish. It was quite the challenge. and it didnt even tide me over.

The photo above, I am proud to say, was taken during a very rainy night while I was having the meal-before-the-actual-dinner with some of my teammates. This for me is one of the best meals of the week, right after a punishing round of training, we hie off to the nearest fast food joint and order whatever. I dont really end up remembering what I ate, its just an excuse to hang out and talk more before parting ways to another long week at work. What we did that night was order fries and just created one big pile in the middle of the table. We ran out of ketchup though (i dont think anyone noticed). Others ordered more than that, shared more than that. But noone was keeping tabs anyway.

I love nights like these. Sometimes its not just that the main event that matters, but the run down of everything after.

Sunny Sway

2005-08-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

I know it sounds immature to say responsibility is a drag
So I wont.

I guess the weather is getting to me.
It should.

I know this won't last forever.
It can.

I know it sounds cliche to say Love conquers all.
My love will.

Out of Sorts

2005-07-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

My fridge whacked me on the head today.
Or rather, it helped me whack myself on the forehead. Hard.
So today I’ve got this red mark that looks like an unfinished triangle on the upper side of my left forehead.

Now I’ve always reminded myself to stay away from sharp pointed metal objects (that in the past have led to accept words like “general anaesthesia” and “sutures”) but apparently, now I have to be wary of blunt inanimate things as well. My lackadaisical way of doing things sometimes gets the best of me and I know I should put more finesse in my actions. So mental note to thyself: Thou shall tone down a notch or two in the forcefulness department. This is actually a very good reminder because last Friday I almost chopped off the upper half of my right index finger while cutting thin carrot slices (which I last attempted doing many eons ago). You know that point where you feel your finger getting sliced and still you cut down all the way through? Ha, my brain doesn’t distinguish abrupt reactions, so I simply just “had” to chop all the way down. All the way down into my skin. This is so consistent with my personality, no mediocrity, no halfway options. I’m sometimes too severe for my own good.

Standing still

2005-07-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am feeling like a sad sorry pile of crap right now.
I long for sleep, but am still at work. I almost dozed off on the train getting here, but my selfserving brain decided that its gonna be far more tiring to hop off a farther station than it is to keep yourself conscious for a few more minutes.(been there, done that, dont want to get off weird alien stations ever again)

Tonight, I dont feel like working out or doing anything that involves rigorous knee joint movement. Which unfortunately also involves brisk walking, which i love to do. Which also probably explains my newfound penchant for hailing down grandpa-looking cabbies. Commuting by taxi has never been that appealing to me til now. But still, I am heading to the gym after writing this entry.

I want to eat but I'm not really hungry. Its just my way of getting this sick feeling out of my mind's focus even for just a few peaceful minutes. Its like you feel like you are gonna throw up but never get around to doing it. Im a freak, i know.

I went to a media event today and they seated me right in front of our company's CEO, a fluke because i had arrived late and that was the only available seat! Of course I thought It was just another run-of-the-mill press conference that my editor didnt want to be bothered with, so I just showed up the way I usually do, in jeans, acceptable top (read:not the usual t-shirt) sans makeup. Apparently, It was a quick wake-up call. Yes, people will still respect you for your talent even if you look like garbage, but then it also helps that you can look the part that is assigned to you. Be it for representation purposes or for your own sense of self-confidence. It has finally sunk in that if I am assuming responsibility for the beauty and fashion pages in our mag, I should at least try to look the part lest someone think I do not fit the part.Shucks, and to think I was smug enough to think that I could get by with the same old me.

Dazed but not Confused

2005-07-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

Finally, i am getting some things done in my life. Some things valuable, some vital, some trivial, some downright off-the-wall crazy. But the important thing is, things are happening, things are moving, and I am not in a rut.

Weekend was a blur. 2 hours funny sleep. Funny because I do not even recall dozing off and that was probably because I went to bed when the sun was already up and out.

It was perfect because I got to be with friends I wanted to be with, got to do things I wanted to do (like cook a nice sit down dinner with new friends, who are all still living and breathing by the way) and I also got to talk to others who I don't always have the chance to communicate with (read: not in the country)

In the past, I have already been accused as bitchy, moody, unforgiving and callous. I admit, I can be deliberately all that, but I dont choose to be. I would never choose to be. Someone just told me (you know who you are :) that I have a tendency to write viciously. A pretty strong word, considering I can't even bring myself to say anything cruel but honest about specific men I've met. And these are in cases when it was truly called for. If I may rant and rave, then it is a general feeling, a fleeting feeling if you must insist.

I dont even know why I am explaining this in my blog. I'd rather talk about this with you. Me vicious? Ha, you just wait.

If Only

2005-07-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

I had wanted to do this list yesterday but my brain was in a hundred different places (just like my messy messy mental notes). There are a million things i want to do with my life and with a couple of thousand thoughts running through my head, I try to pluck out a few ideas every now and then (good and bad) that'll make the brain cells I burned while thinking worth the expense.

If Only.....

1. I could run down an upward bound escalator I'd feel so much more agile than today.
2. I could have the luxury of stopping and smelling the roses every once in a while
3. Men weren't so mean when they let you down.
4. I could turn pesco-vegetarian just like that.
5. Getting married was actually as nice as single people imagine it to be.
6. I could have one more day, just one more day with someone I'll never see again.
7. I could worry more about money than about life, then I'd be so much more richer
8. My cat wasn't as promiscuous as my mom says, then we'd still have her in the house.
9. Living by yourself wasn't so comfortable to make you think you could do it forever.
10. teeth were invincible, then I wouldnt have to buy can openers and knives anymore.
11. there more hours in the night to do all the things that I want.
12. people I like weren't too young or too old for me to consider.
13. I could have just one more playing year without fear of major injury or relapse.
14. Rain could make me just a little bit sad again (better than being indifferent)
15. Life could take me by surprise again.

wrongly titled

2005-07-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-from Fire and Ice by Robert Frost

Windy times

2005-07-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

My weekend was a blur. Finally moved into my own place albeit only temporarily. It's been great so far, quiet and empowering at the same time buying your own groceries and wondering if you still got enough money to get you through the next few days. Got a great view though. I love watching cars zoom through the highway at the oddest hours.

Only downside is that i can't bring my cat Mao to live there. I'm afraid she'll jump off the building like that unhappy has-been actress who did it on the very same rooftop a few years back. Being alone makes you think crazy things sometimes.

Anyway, its not like I've much time to actually settle in. Except for fixing my things, I havent exactly cozied up to the place. Was out all weekend with new friends, doing crazy things again. Which is all good with me, considering I sleep like a log after being deprived of rest 3 days in a row.

The past 2 days have been very windy, really cool weather, very little rain and just a little bit of sunshine here and there. I had lunch at my grandma's house today. Left office in the middle of the day. Now I think I'll be doing that daily. My grandma has been sounding more and more sad everyday, i can hear it through the phone and it tugs at my heart not to do anything about that. She's past 85 (as usual, I cannot remember anybody's exact age) and supposedly, she's as strong as a horse, even stronger than my mom and me especially when it comes to marathon malling (her favorite exercise), but now she's been feeling down, telling me how all the people she knows have already gone to a higher plane.

I know all my grandma wants is some time spent with her,talking with her, connecting, just being there to hear her out. Isn't that ultimately what we all want deep down inside?

To be reached out to.

Waiting...

2005-07-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

All throughout my short unrelished life, for as far back as I can remember, all I've found myself is to be in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to go home, waiting to leave, waiting for meals, waiting for someone to come back, waiting for something to happen and waiting for things to change.

I know life is supposed to be a series of deliberate and unfolding events (not always unfortunate), but there are things that we just can't help but wait for. Just like the time my pet rabbit Jive (named after this Doo Wop band I really liked called Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers) broke his leg inside his cage (don't ask me how it happened, it got stuck in one of this playthings and i found him thrashing wildly til he disjointed himself. Trust me, it was not a pretty sight. And I'm not even going to start with the weird sounds I heard coming from that cage. Consider yourself lucky you will never have to hear a rabbit cry out in pain.

Anyway, so I brought him to the vet and he had his leg put in a cast. It kinda looked like a white plaster of paris fried chicken leg, and it was heavy for him to hobble around in, but it did help him heal faster.

So we did 8 months or so of waiting and waiting for that cast to come off, he was pretty depressed by then. But Jive eventually became okay and grew to the size of one fat lazy dachsund. He couldnt even hop like a proper bunny anymore! You know how a metal spring moves when stretched? That's kinda how he looked when he moved around the house. I think our dog even thought Jive was a dog too, cuz they got along fine (And I've got photos to prove it!)

So anyway, this entry wasn't even supposed to be about anything remotely profound, just an anecdote I remembered about one of my favorite pets growing up.

Wistful Thinking

2005-07-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

I came across this island poem by Dennis Arthur Dames, a poet from the Bahamas while I was trying to suppress my urge to book a flight to go back to my favorite beach....

Tainted Thoughts

Tainted minds
Going strong
All the time

Nothing's right
All is wrong
Tainted thoughts still go strong

Tainted thoughts take a break...
Fresh visions of faith

A new day we do make
Tainted thoughts
The past ate

Fruitful thoughts are now new
Tainted thoughts, not renewed

Soft and Tasty

2005-07-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

Starting tonight, I am officially on a soft diet.

Not by choice mind you, but because two of my uncooperative molars have decided to go on strike and refuse to allow me to chew on anything harder to masticate than tuna and gelatin. I tried to cheat by eating a heated-up beef jerky and those stupid chewers promptly put me in my place by shooting unmentionable amounts of recurring pain all throughout the day, thereby rendering me haplessly hungry and disgruntled.

Not that its totally a bad thing, this had preempted my long-term diet plan (yeah right). I think I can subsist on soup, Jell-O and ice cream (oh no!) for next month or so (my dentist is vacationing somewhere in Greece right now i think). Its not so bad. This'll give me instant punishment for eating (except for the ice cream part)

Something short of having someone chew on my food first (like a toothless grandma would have done), here is a list of stuff I managed to eat safely (but still cautiously) today:

1. Mooshey Wooshey Lasagna (late dinner)- i bought it at the convenience store at my
office lobby. It didnt look as radioactive after i nuked it several times. At least i could still distinguish the cheese from the pasta.

2. Coffee Jelly and Almond Jelly (not eaten together) - I had this for late lunch. Yummy stuff, but kinda made me feel like I was tricking my body into eating hardened liquid.

3. Overcooked Oatmeal (late breakfast) - I love oats. It is filling, affordable and I eat it at all times in the day (even as a midnight snack!). But making it (even the easy to cook variety) has sealed my fate as an eternally terrible cook. I can't afford to watch the pot before I burn it! I heard Quaker Oats has launched chocolate flavored oatmeal already. Will definitely check it out once I finish my sack of oats at home.

It is almost 11pm. I am still at work. I am not halfway done here yet. I had to turn down a night out with good music. I missed gym (and my favorite back-to-back classes). I am bummed, but there are other things that offset that fact. I like being missed :)

Damned and Delirous

2005-07-12T01:38:00.000-07:00

I've done alot of stupid things in my time, but dont recall ever really regretting any of it.

The photo above is from one of my top 3 movies of all time "Before Sunset."
I love how the two people never really got together but never really stopped liking each other. I liked they can meet again, just pick up where they left off (gradually of course) and still be as eloquent as hell without having to jump in the sack the first chance they get. If I got that exact same chance, I would go for it, despite the years of uncertainty and self-doubt. I would choose that over stupid mind games with available men with questionable IQs and kissing abilities (ha! such a cheap shot)

Sex is never the answer to anything real anymore. Love isnt always a question either.

anyway, ive been offcially awake for 36 hours now. So I take partial responsibility for all the dumb (but immensely) fun things i've done over the weekend with. Funny how proximity and openness to share brings out the best (not always worst) in people.

I am delirious because I finally got to get an idea of how it would feel to get close to an ex-crush! Of course I was still curious about alot of things about him (Talent is a very strong aphrodisiac and he sure has alot of it!). There's nothing like being so close to intimate that piques the interest and staves off sleepiness.

I wil be damned because I admit, i have done alot of stir-crazy things with this lifetime. I can be offensive, impulsive and irresponsible on occasion (quite a rarity now. the stick up my ass is too far wedged in to be taken out now)

I am having fun now wth my life, nothing is really a big bother. I can do what I want, be who I want to be and afford myself the experiences I choose to go into. In other words, I am still free to be as whacked out as I want to be. God Bless the undiscovered single girl who prays for the proverbial ball and chain and yet, still enjoys every glorious perk of irresponsibility and immaturity.

Hiccups and other Oddities

2005-07-10T02:40:00.000-07:00

Eureka!
I have finally discovered how to upload photos in my blog! (yes, laugh all you want, but it is really a major milestone in my little sluggish technophobic life)

It's almost 3am and i am still in the office. I wanted to talk about movies but I'm too brain-drained to churn out a proper review. Instead, I chose a photo from one of my favorite movies (i love subtitled films!) Amelie. I loved Amelie Poulain! I love how she also likes to tap and break into newly-made creme brulee with a spoon! She is everything I would expect from a perky slightly weird Parisienne. I love movies that keep you guessing how it'll turn out in the end. I also loved A Very Long Engagement.

Earlier this evening i developed a bad case of hiccups. My editor kept urging me to drink water because i sounded like a sick puppy walking around the office with my high-pitched hiccups. I, on the other hand, found it amusing. Not everyday do I emit sounds like that. But the problem was, it just wouldnt go away. i mustve drunk a 3 liters of water before I could talk straight again (which secretly bummed me out though)

anyway, i still gotta go to the printer after this. It's still so dark outside. But I don't mind. I like seeing the different.

Getting Fruity

2005-07-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

Finally, my head is clearing up.
I finally got to catch up with my friends (where else but through their blogs of course)
Check out what interesting stuff has been swimming in my best friend's head if ya got time:
http://toneconscious.blogspot.com/2005/05/random-thoughts-throughout-day.html

my knee is still not in tiptop shape.
I used it sparingly throughout the week (except during two of my favorite dance classes). I wish I could just wake up and discover that the all too familiarly nagging ache has totally disappeared. But no dice so far.

I was a (very) happy camper last night.
Remember what i was ranting about in my previous post? well, God made a way to (more than) make up for that.
Somebody walked me home last night!
Not that its such a big thing. Friends walk each other home all the time. It's just that the difference was that this guy's home was all the way in the opposite direction! And i just found that out! He didnt even tell me where he lived. he was so cool.

I'm not talking about being romantic here okay, i just think that these kinds of gestures, so unexpected and so simple to do, are a rarity in a world where guys are often only most chivalrous when there is something in it for them. (tell me im wrong, i dare you)
It just made me so happy that someone would do that for me.
He probably doesnt know it, but he restored my faith.
Thanks Adrian.

Men (o) Pause

2005-07-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am through with men.
Lousy men to be exact.
Lousy dressers, lousy kissers and lousy men who can't even be expected to think up lame excuses for their foul-ups. The least they can do is not to insult your sense of logic ("I'm sorry I can't go out tonight. I won't be able to make it.") What? Never mind the What, what about the Why?
Logical rule of thumb states that "If you weren't given an excuse, then there probably wasn't one to begin with."
If they cant find a way to cushion the disappointing blow of letting you down, then how else can you expect them to come up with cohesive alibis that won't totally break your heart? At least you can always quit while your ahead.....

I take that back.
Men aren't all lousy. Inconsiderate people are.
As my best friend ever-so-aptly puts it. The stupid gene is found in all sexes.

That is why, when you play, make sure you like fires.

Let Me Blow (Dry) Your Mind

2005-07-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've discovered the perfect way of de-stressing myself.
Given the fact that I think I've just majorly injured myself over the weekend (my right knee feels like it's going to break off with every creaking movement), I also have to impose a very strict vow of abstinence from any gym work this week (ha-ha, lets see if i can stick to it by friday).

Given the circumstance, I've accepted that the only compromise I can make to console my body (already experiencing withdrawal symptoms from not seeing the treadmill in 24 hours) is to immerse myself in a long, relaxing steam and sauna ritual (which i think is actually helping me gain mobility in my knee!) I bought some girly-girly stuff last weekend (a direct copycat of my friend Mitch's must have list) which included peppermint foot scrub, oatmeal body scrub and yoghurt hair treatment wax. All I can say is that after just a week of using these implements, I really have to watch it before I develop some sort of bastardized Oedipal complex (i love smelling my hair every so often!)

But the bestest, bestest part of this beauty routine, the piece de resistance, is the blow-dry. My gym has installed new updated versions of industrial blow dryers with half a dozen confusing settings, one of which i am now very familiar with, the "cold breeze without the saltwater" setting. I love it! My hair's grown pretty long and I was always thinking of cutting it, but now it just looks so pretty hanging (almost) straight below my shoulders. It's also a very relaxing process. Trying to dry it layer by layer, watching my hair being tamed after years of hiding them in a bun (blame it on ballet) or in a severe ponytail(i liked the school marm look too haha).

Tonight, I will try to sneak in and watch a dance class for once. It'll be weird not being upfront with my friends, but I also welcome the change of perspective. But I will also look forward to the welcoming refuge of the women's locker room.

Roller Coasting

2005-06-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night I went on one helluva ride.
I hitched a ride home with a friend and as we turned to get on the busiest, major highway in the country
her car battery went dead.

The road was an incline so we just kept on moving (or rolling was more like it). What upped the scare factor was that she was driving an automatic and so we couldnt turn on the headlights or even just the emergency lights. Big buses were rushing right past us on both sides while we were just praying we'd roll right into the nearby gast station in the highway.

When we finally made it (although we were technically parked on the highway), thats when we discovered that they had no mechanic on duty on Sundays. Great.

The succeeding gory details aren't as interesting as those initial facts so i'll just leave it as that. thank God we decided to stop for donuts and juice (even though we hadn't had dinner yet) because at least that takes the crabbiness out of the waiting game we did while waiting for her dad to look for a mechanic to revive the car.

Balut and Pizza

2005-06-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

Balut, a popular native delicacy, which is technically a fertilized egg with a partially developed duckling that is eaten by Filipinos all day everyday. It was also used to challenge the lengths to which contestants were willing to win $50,000 on Fear Factor once. (haha, i had a good laugh on that one)

Last night, during our food buying spree for Jordan's birthday thingamajiggy, we found ourselves at the grocery getting avocado ice cream (his favorite) and vanilla (our vote). Andre, my buffest (is that a word?) friend ever, suddenly had a craving for balut, which was also sold in the fruit stand (go figure). By then, we had already gotten 2 large pizzas from Yellow Cab (that makes it 3 weekends in a row that ive found myself getting supposed 'sustenance' from their vegetable toppings.)

Anyway, we ate while watching a Jamiroquai concert on dvd. And I couldnt help but admire how Dre manage to scarf down those slices of pizza in between helpings of eggs (he bought 3). Yowsah, i gotta hand it to the dude, he took it all in stride. Good thing the room was dark or I wouldve winced at seeing the egg (im such a squeamish girlygirl.ha!)

anyway, weekends turning out great. Finally caught "Mr & Mrs Smith" Loved their hand-and-knuckle fight scene. Women Power dude!!!! Angelina Jolie rocks. Brad was just kinda cute. I love girl power movies (who wouldnt right?)

Hunger happy

2005-06-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

The paint on my bedroom door is peeling.
The fruit yoghurt I was saving for a rainy day which i finally opened last night had turned tangy, much to my hungry dismay.
I had finally lost my mouthguard (which keeps my teeth from grinding all day) in the crazy confines of my room (i swear, there are doors that open to different dimensions in all that mess)

All I've had to eat today is a cup of semi-burnt oatmeal (my favorite choice for breakfast) and a half green half yellow banana (courtesy of my gym, which I sneak off to during lunchbreak on fridays)

But I am not hungry yet.

It's also Jordan's birthday today. Not everyone knows because no matter how innocent he may look int hat Where's Waldo cap of his, Jordan can also be one wicked sinister dude. He lied on his Friendster account so people wouldnt know when to greet him.
What he doesnt know is that we have a small celebration planned tonight. Baked goodies, pizza and ice cream. A nice way to cap off a good friend's natal day. Plus his pick of the weirdest movies available (Personally, i am hoping he will pick this far out Jap film called Pistol Opera. Dang, if that film appeals to him then I will kneel down and pray to the new God of the Slanted Mind. That movie weirded me out so much I stopped watching after just 3 and a half minutes!) Can you comprehend a scene wherein the no.3 ranked girl assassin (who wants to be no.1) is being chased with a gun by this handicapped dude in a wheelchair (who is also presumably an assassin), why for the life of me, he would even think he had a chance is mind-boggling. add to the fracas a jap schoolgirl with a balloon. Oh boy, its just too odd to describe.

Anyway, im planning to enjoy my weekend with less food and more work ("special" projects for added income have just come my way!)

Peanut Butter Pleasures

2005-06-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

Nope, there’s no sexual innuendo of any kind in this entry.

Nowadays, I find myself craving peanut butter more than chocolate.
Peanut butter donuts, sandwiches, peanut butter on crackers, Reese’s pieces or even a lip-smacking glob of gooey, sickeningly sweet peanut butter on a spoon (gotta cut down on the bread)!
I’ve heard about this new so-called Peanut butter diet in the States, but my cravings have nothing to do with that (besides, the diet only talks about the unsweetened, organic variety while I prefer the more sinfully artifical local version)

My taste buds must’ve gotten tired of chocolate. Or maybe I just automatically hate the popular choice.
Just like I dont like having the same template as some of the people I know! Even our publication uses the same template (check it out www.starstudio.blogspot.com, its pretty cool if your the starstruck kind!)

Last night, i finally got ot catch the sequel to that old Ethan Hawke-Julie Delpy movie "Before Sunrise"
I have not seen a movie that sucked me into the dialogue so much as this one. "Before Sunset" should only be watched under the context that you enjoyed the first movie. Otherwise, it might look a bit dry in the entertainment department.
I'm not saying you will like it as much as I did. We all come from different points of reference so what gets my goat might actually amuse the hell out of you or something like that.

Basically, this movie was one long conversation over a span of 2 (maybe shorter) hours. the characters wear only one outfit all throughout and the settings are different places in Paris.
The two main characters (environmentalist Celine and writer Jesse) meet again after 9 years, having spent just one night together walking around in Vienna. It is a chance encounter and alot of outwardly things have changed 9but apparently, the feelings have not) They talk about books, life, fate, magic and of course, Love.

I love how the movie develops, how you find out certain things as their conversation deepens.
watching this was like reading a good book (or having a really good book being read to you out loud)
It talks about how Love and reality are contradictory (The premise is that when you love someone, you get romantic, but romanticism can't really totally co-exist with reality unless your an idealist loon). endpoint is disappointment and total dependence.

I don't wanna talk about all the good parts. But I will say that this was an open-ended movie and how you decide the ending is probably a good indication of what kind of person you are (if you think they eventually broke up then you are a realist, if you think they got together eventually then you are romantic, if you are being hopeful for them then i dont know what exactly you are but you should be more decisive in your thoughts)

Rain reigns

2005-06-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

It suddenly rained real hard tonight.
So hard that there was a short-lived power failure in the neighborhood. (Thank God for dependable generators in major tv networks, wherein my office so cozily resides)

I hardly left my computer today. Had a lot of research to do. Food today, to me, was just regarded as mere sustenance to get me going. It was nothing more than fancy fuel for my tummy. An inconsequential necessity, but not a craving, not today.

I knew this would happen. So I stocked up on snacks, knowing full well that bringing that much food to work would either brand me as a glutton or as a junk food hoarder disguised as a gym rat. But like i said, today was different. I had absolutely no plans of working out (well, all i brought was an extra shirt okay.Which is gonna seem stupid considering I wore girly shoes today)

So in my bag I had everything I could possibly need today: an extra shirt ("just in case" i drop by the gym. NOT!!!), my trusty, snazzy (read:pricey) automatic folding-and-unfolding umbrella which i got as a gift 3 christmases ago (okay okay, well it wasnt exactly a gift. i asked someone to give it to me!), and my bag full of tasty snacks (tip:when your dealing with finicky,picky,weird or anal persons like me, there should always be options for snacking, salty and sweet! because you never know what mood will strike next! (i seesaw between a hankering for peanut butter and then bbq all day)

I want to watch Batman Begins because everyone has had good things to say about it. Not that I trust these people (there have been supposed "terrible" movies that i ended up enjoying. so now i take everything with a grain of salt). I caught Monster-in-law the other night and I only have 3 things to say about it:
1. Jane Fonda is soooo funny
2. I'd kill to have all of J.Lo's outfits (and body) in that movie!!! its so my style!
3. I'd sleep with Michael Vartan in a nanosecond! I loved him in Never Been Kissed too! (I dont watch Alias by the way)

Funny how the rain doesnt affect me anymore. I must be going crazy. I used to love the sun, now I dont. i used to hate the rain, now I dont. I am enjoying the seasons just like i am enjoying my work right now. Come to think of it, I might actually turn out to be a well-adjusted individual if I think about it! (haha, not really)

Weird and Whacked out

2005-06-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

I had the oddest of lunches yesterday.
Tuna hotdogs and cream cheese sandwiches.
Actually, it wasn’t exactly lunch, more of “whatevers-left-in-the-fridge” kind of meal that me and my cousin Athena scrounged up for before settling down and watching our much revered and coveted copy of “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.” Thank god for ketchup.

For good measure, I also brought two large bags of Holy Kettle corn (a movie staple!)
It was a nice lazy Sunday afternoon. Perfect in my book: a good movie. Good (?) food shared with family. It rained later in the day (which is also why I am thankful I decided to forego football for once) But even if my knee was acting up again I couldn’t resist dropping by the gym for a new class (thanks for the incessant prodding Mitch).

My body feels beat up (there’s gonna be no running this week for sure) but for some reason I couldn’t wait to get a head start on work today. Must be something wrong with my brain….. mmmm….. this should be straightened out mid-week when I start getting anxiety attacks from the fear of what I could be fearing next.

I woke up early (not extra early, because its either I am up early or late only) today and fixed myself a bowl of oatmeal. I like oatmeal because it fills up my tummy and it supposedly cleans out the bad toxins from the body (not that I have any, I don’t drink, smoke or eat nasty stuff like roaches or crickets) But I definitely have got too much chocolate in my system. Damn you Cadbury, Hersheys and Sees Candies!!!

I am writing more and more mediocre entries lately.
I cant seem to get my head in shape for a cohesive, coherent composition.
I cant explain this but I know what its about.
Maybe I should just stick to writing about food and delete all the other crappy stuff I go on and on about. This is horrible. I am becoming the wannabe writer that I dreaded turning into.

Pipe Dreams and Pita Bread

2005-06-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Its been pretty crazy at the office all week.
Wasnt able to concentrate on my food cravings much (which is perhaps one of the only good things aside from the self-induced stress that made me more efficient)

Aside from the hankering for peanut butter, I find myself in constant want for pizza and pita bread! Right now I cant decide whether I prefer tuna or chicken filling. I had a Garden Fresh pizza (its not as healthy as it sounds) last night. I couldnt care less whether the bread was wheat or whole wheat. I love tomato sauce! Maybe I should try living in Italy where there are regions so simple that they top there spaghettis and pizzas with plain ole tomato sauce. Yum!

I am also a little bit scatterbrained right now, cant really decide how or where to pursue my dreams (really, i didnt even know i had any?!) People Ive just met know more about my real dreams that the people whove been around me my entire life. there is a certain comfort in confiding in (almost) strangers who cannot possible judge nor change their opinion of you because what you reveal in just a few moments after meeting them. Not that I am in the habit of doing that. I just feel that most people who think they know me already have this preconceived idea of what my "real deal" is. Oh well, thats their opinion.

I am happy right now. In between chasing my pipe dreams and giving in to my sinful cravings, I am surprisingly in better shape than I was probably a year ago.

The Queen of Pentacles

2005-06-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

I had my first tarot reading a few days ago.
Crazy, unnerving and right-on-the-money are some of the words I might use to describe the whole experience.

Cleared up my head (and heart) on some things, other answers opened up other questions.
Who’d have thought past lives were so significant to the present?
Karmic residue, cosmic patterns and unexplained attractions all connect somehow.

Our session wasn’t much about fortune-telling as it was about divination. Merely a guide, not the standard for the things yet to come, if I will it to come.

Having your cards read might also mean opening up a whole can of worms you might not be ready to share, but it will come out anyway whether you want it to or not (hard to edit the subconscious energy)

There are also such things as cards that will constantly come up and define you. Character cards. All this has drummed up my interest again in the tarot and the supernatural. Spooky but enlightening definitely.

A cake called Dementia

2005-05-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

I love sweets. Fruity ones, chocolatey ones, even sugar-based ones which will eventually lead to be the death of me.
Living in a third world economy, I have been naively happy with the affordable variety you buy (in bulk even, because its so cheap!) at the neighborhood store or street vendor. I never really strived for anything more than that. Unfortunately, Fate tempts you to open your mind, heart (and palate) to a vaster plane of existence which you never thought existed.

It all started when a Belgian friend of mine visited the country a few years back. We had met on an foreign exchange program in Europe in 1998. My family had given her more than ample accommodations and she had brought us gifts of goodwill and chocolates. Apparently, her family owned their own bakery and in Belgium, that meant you made and sold your own brand of chocolate. It was a whole new experience altogether to taste pure, authentic Belgian chocolates. There were different kinds, but the dark ones were the best. I asked if we could order from them and she could just have it shipped, but she shook her head and said they’d melt even before they’d get to Asia.

Then last year, a cousin of mine arrived from the US. She had been raving about this brand of French truffles she’d discovered and said she’s be bringing home a couple of boxes when she arrived. Turns out the truffles were a bunch of round hardened dark chocolates which will literally melt in your hand even before they reach your mouth. They are so rich that just one piece can satisfy your taste buds for the night (or not). I’m pretty sure the equivalent of one piece is the same as drinking a mug of pure cocoa. It was like Sin itself. Purely packed and pricey.

Since then, I haven’t been bowled over by any other sweets. I don’t really mind (its helpful for my diet), but last week after a tiring out-of-town photo shoot, our photographer suggested we try out this place he had discovered called Kooky Licious (in Greenhills). It was owned by a food editor of one of our magazines. So we tried out the pasta, sandwiches and pate. But the piece de resistance he says, was the chocolate cake called Dementia.

He didn’t know exactly what it was made of, But let me assure you, it is like eating a mix of chocolate mousse, dark chocolate, Toblerone, ice cream and other indescribable yummy stuff. If you have tried eating all these things at the same time then you probably get an iota of idea of what I am talking about. Of course, nothing in this level comes cheap, but it is worth it. It will literally drive you crazy (Chocolate lovers beware, all other cakes may have a tendency to pale in comparison after this experience)